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Post by merrygoround on Jan 31, 2018 23:44:41 GMT -5
Something I'm desperately trying to get my head around lately. As some of you know, I'm divorced post SM. My financial back story was that I was so broken down without any fight left in me, I signed everything over to him (so as not to cause more upheaval for adult children still in education and living in the family home) and agreed to wait for a small settlement (who knows how long it will take) when one day his late mother's house gets sold. I left the country and returned to my parents in the UK, penniless (not even a couple euros to buy a bottle of water on the plane) but with a job lined up.
What I can't get is this : yes, my parents gave me a roof over my head and supported me through every day and listened as I cried and tried to make sense of him. They got angry, couldn't believe how he has treated me. Brought up many scenarios where they were unhappy with his behaviour. They have openly criticised him to my post SM partner, detailing why.
Yet....they sent him money for Christmas. My mum's reason? "If we were there, we would have bought him a gift". Hang on a second....he basically has an IOU to me payable on the 12th of never. I came out with nothing but a suitcase. You've listened and agreed and supported and criticised and got angry over his treatment of me....yet you send HIM money?! Yet when I became upset about this, they got defensive and angry with me!
The next issue is this : they are planning on going over there soon for a visit. Now, when I went over I stayed in a hotel in the city so I could meet my kids after class every day. Suggested they do that, but no. Daughter wants them to stay in the house like always (ok I'm not comfortable with that but can deal) and their plan at the time was to go during the school holidays as, in their words, "we dont want to be in his company during the day without the kids there". Next thing I know, they're not doing that at all....the kids will still be in class.
Apparently I don't have a right to be angry because "you have a new man in your life but he is still our son-in-law and he's a friend and we want to see the extended family (his) as they have been part of our lives for over 20 years and we would see them maybe once a year. You need to stop this and move on. We were very hurt too."
It's now causing a gulf between us. I just don't know how to deal with this as it feels like a betrayal and believe me, I'm sick of tears.
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2018 0:51:44 GMT -5
Do you think that it is possible for you to control how other people choose to conduct themselves ? If it were possible, do you think it would be fair and equitable for you to control how other people choose to conduct themselves ? Further, if it were possible for people to control how other people choose to conduct themselves, would you be ok with such people making your choices for you ? There is a fairly recently published book by a bloke called Mark Manson. It is titled "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck". The basic thrust of it is that we all have a finite number of fucks to give in our lives, and not to waste them on things that you can't do anything about. It would translate here as your parents plan to give your ex husband money and visit him and the kids is not something to waste a good fuck on. But the money your ex husband owes you certainly IS something to give a HUGE fuck about and a matter worth vigorously pursuing. All this is probably not going to reduce the very real sting you are currently feeling Sister merrygoround . I don't think your parents thought this through terribly well, but I truly think that there was no malicious intent in their actions. Parents can be fuckwits at times. I am a parent too and I know this to be true !! |
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Post by merrygoround on Feb 1, 2018 0:57:01 GMT -5
Absolutely spot on as always, baza! I can't, neither do I wish, to control others. I can only control my reactions to the situation. It's just certainly very difficult to hear them criticize him to the rafters, complain about having to pay him to stay there (he expects a contribution to the household expenses for extra guests -something I was always against). But yes, their decision. I need that book! |
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2018 1:12:06 GMT -5
Absolutely spot on as always, baza ! I can't, neither do I wish, to control others. I can only control my reactions to the situation. It's just certainly very difficult to hear them criticize him to the rafters, complain about having to pay him to stay there (he expects a contribution to the household expenses for extra guests -something I was always against). But yes, their decision. I need that book! Sorry Sister merrygoround but this is a side bar I am indulging in. This bit - "he expects a contribution to the household expenses for extra guests" Farkinell !!! I thought I was a pretty bad cheapskate. Compared to your ex I am an effing philanthropist !! |
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Post by merrygoround on Feb 1, 2018 1:43:43 GMT -5
Absolutely spot on as always, baza ! I can't, neither do I wish, to control others. I can only control my reactions to the situation. It's just certainly very difficult to hear them criticize him to the rafters, complain about having to pay him to stay there (he expects a contribution to the household expenses for extra guests -something I was always against). But yes, their decision. I need that book! Sorry Sister merrygoround but this is a side bar I am indulging in. This bit - "he expects a contribution to the household expenses for extra guests" Farkinell !!! I thought I was a pretty bad cheapskate. Compared to your ex I am an effing philanthropist !! That's the thing...they've been complaining that it turns out to be a very expensive "holiday" for them to my new partner - I refused to take the money off them. I just told them to give it to him in the past. My dad complained too that it was cold in the house (he didn't like to spend on heating) and had to wear a jumper in bed. Dad felt uncomfortable asking to take a bath (instead of a shower) as he would feel bad about expense of the water heating. Ex lives mortgage free with a pretty decent income from a pension and will be receiving another one on top in a few years. He gets substantial discounts because of the three children (3 or more there entitles you to this). Yet is happy to take a "contribution" from my parents who aren't wealthy by any stretch and are pensioners in their 70s. They will spend money on them all when they go out, probably take them to lunch and no doubt either give the children some money or treat them in some way too. I guess I am concerned also that I will be a topic of conversation at some point as they will be spending substantial time in his company, although I have begged them not to talk about me. But again, as you've said - out of my control. Mindfuckery! |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 1, 2018 3:55:41 GMT -5
I'm thinking they've got to be nice to him because their grandkids live with him. They'll pay ANY amount to see them. If your kids live with you, your parents wouldn't have to be generous to your ex. I think my parents would do the same thing as yours. They'll view our kids like their own children (but I'm just guessing since I don't have experience being a grandparent yet).
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 1, 2018 6:42:08 GMT -5
I, too am wondering whether they are so nice to your ex because they want to keep ties with their grandkids. He may have threatened to keep or turn the grandkids against them. There may be things your parents haven’t shared with you because they know you already have a lot of worries. That’s the only reason I can think of their maintaining ties with s man they clearly don’t think well of. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2018 6:55:23 GMT -5
It sounds like your parents are "holding their nose and voting".Like those times when you really don't care for either candidate, but have to choose the lesser of two evils.
Come to think of it, you had to do the same thing. Choose the lesser of two life styles.
Grandparents!! You are dealing with a whole different set of problems now. I've had my FIL living with us for 11 yrs. so I can relate.
It's like that saying, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". They most likely have their own values and principles that date way back about "family first, children first", no matter what the cost or sacrifice. So they are going to get taken advantage off , railroaded, and then come back complaining about it!
Meanwhile they did their duty to see the grand-kids. Try not to take the 10% bad personally and remind yourself of the 90% good of the way your parents support you.
You can be 100% right and they won't change. They will come back and complain, you get to say " I told you so" they ignore it, and go on with their lives. Kind of like living with a refuser, just not as bad.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 1, 2018 8:22:20 GMT -5
I, too am wondering whether they are so nice to your ex because they want to keep ties with their grandkids. He may have threatened to keep or turn the grandkids against them. There may be things your parents haven’t shared with you because they know you already have a lot of worries. That’s the only reason I can think of their maintaining ties with s man they clearly don’t think well of. Give them the benefit of the doubt. I agree 100%! This is about the children. They do not care about him at all but they have to jump through his hoops to get access to the kids. How old are your children? |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 1, 2018 10:14:25 GMT -5
It's all part of the scene and it takes some getting used to. It's painful, but time makes it all easier, promise!!! When kids keep bonds together, they will forever and always be "in your family." My ex and I didn't have kids, thus -- all ties severed. My new husband had kids with his ex, thus, she is always, always, always there. Forever and ever AMEN.  It's YOUR ex - and I understand the feeling of betrayal that YOUR family is still nice to him, etc. My husband felt the same at first, too. But, eventually they fade into "distant relative" role and you don't even mind if they are there. Well, I still get pangs of hurt when MY In-laws hang out at HER table... but I digress... It's all part of the scene. |
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Post by merrygoround on Feb 1, 2018 10:53:39 GMT -5
I, too am wondering whether they are so nice to your ex because they want to keep ties with their grandkids. He may have threatened to keep or turn the grandkids against them. There may be things your parents haven’t shared with you because they know you already have a lot of worries. That’s the only reason I can think of their maintaining ties with s man they clearly don’t think well of. Give them the benefit of the doubt. I agree 100%! This is about the children. They do not care about him at all but they have to jump through his hoops to get access to the kids. How old are your children? Twins will be 21 later this year and youngest almost 19. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 1, 2018 11:13:13 GMT -5
I agree 100%! This is about the children. They do not care about him at all but they have to jump through his hoops to get access to the kids. How old are your children? Twins will be 21 later this year and youngest almost 19. Ok so entering adulthood which let's face it 18 and 21 are not what they used to be when we were growing up. Children are not as independent as we were when we were 18. However the day will come when they will launch from your ex's household and you and your parents will have a relationship with them without his involvement. Time has a way of making things better. The key is you are out of that toxic relationship. |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 1, 2018 15:40:31 GMT -5
While the kids are adults or almost adults they still are living with your ex who could choose to do a variety of things to either keep your parents from seeing them or he could poison your kids view of your parents. I doubt your parents are being nice to your ex because they think he’s a fine fellow. I continue to suspect your ex has done or threatened to do some things to hurt your parents’ relationship with your kids. Your parents haven’t shared that info with you because you have enough stress.
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Post by elkclan2 on Feb 2, 2018 4:33:58 GMT -5
Is it causing you any direct problems? If not, then you do indeed need to get over it. As sucky as it is.
My parents are very nice to my ex. While part of me would like them not to, it's sooooo much better than the hostility that my MIL showed me at a public event. It was so bad, that I told my ex that he had to keep her away from me or there would be legal consequences. He apologised for her behaviour and has complied. My dad went out with him one day and bought lunch, etc. He did it to spend time with my son while I was at work. My mom chit-chats with him. This is all fine and dandy. And it sets a good example for my son.
However, my mother continued to engage with my ex on facebook. He has political views that I find incredibly distasteful, hateful, dangerous and anti-democratic. My mother liked to wind him up on these things. I asked her to stop, but she continued. I said, look, he has a hair trigger and dangerous views, when you bait him on FB on political matters it makes me nervous and afraid. If you can't respect my boundaries, please respect my safety and my nerves.
Perhaps you can say to them that you're unwilling to listen to their complaints about his behaviour that they choose to expose themselves to. That's fair enough.
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Post by merrygoround on Feb 5, 2018 2:18:04 GMT -5
I want to thank you all for your kind responses. You're right - I have to choose to deal with my emotions in a healthier way. I am hoping that the emotions will fade over time - as WindSister has said. I can't change what they do or say - neither do I wish to. It's really up to them. I guess we shall see how it all plays out for them when they go out there soon. baza regarding your comment on what he owes me - I've never received any update on where he is with this. I know it was all in some legal red tape and would take quite some time, possibly even years. I will have to find the courage at some point to tackle this issue. I don't know why I am so weak about doing this. |
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