Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 19:47:15 GMT -5
I’m with DryCreek, I’d be upfront. As an aside, once I get the courage to divorce, I don’t actually plan on “dating.” My plan is to tell interested (and interesting) gentlemen that we can be friends. Should that turn into anything (at a much later date) the foundation will be there. I say, no harm done. Have fun! You might be surprised. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 30, 2018 20:21:22 GMT -5
Considering that on another post, I was complaining about how I’m tired of time-wasters and things that don’t work out....I’m just thinking: is it ethical for me to waste somebody’s time? There seems to be an undercurrent here of you, Sister @smartkat , taking on *his* thinking for him. Might be best to leave him make his own choices. He chose to ask you out. You choose whether to accept or not. If you end up going out with him, you and/or he will choose if a 2nd outing takes place or not. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 20:44:00 GMT -5
baza may be right - I could be overthinking this.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Jan 31, 2018 8:36:56 GMT -5
Do you like him as a friend? If yes, go. Split the bill. Don’t look for more than that. Spending time with friends is not time wasted.
If, while you’re out, you do experience stirrings that you could be interested in something more with him, then great. If not, you’ve built onto a friendship. Friends are good whether we are dating them or not.
Yes, SK, I do believe you may be overthinking things. (I do it a LOT, so I empathize.)
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 31, 2018 9:37:36 GMT -5
I'll be a little blunt about this for you.
You don't desire him (you don't think he's hot)
He desires you (he thinks your hot)
Don't mislead him, why bother?
Going out with him is not necessarily misleading someone or using someone. You can give him a boost by practicing being your true self . Heck, it may come a lot more natural. There is a lot of receiving that happens when you finally get to be your own true confident self!
And isn't that life? We are always learning, aren't we? You will learn from it, a lot more than sitting at home, alone, again!
Think about this: You are going to fail. Mistakes are going to make you or mane you. Some people can do such great things but are defined by one failure. let us not grow weary while doing good. Run like you are going to win the prize. Run in such a way that you may obtain it!
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 31, 2018 10:15:21 GMT -5
If she doesn’t know him well but is just going on his appearance, she may think he’s hot if she goes out with him and gets to know him.
Years before going out with Post sm guy, I wondered what his then girlfriend saw in him because she so obviously adored him. She’d follow him around with an enraptured expression. I saw nothingvhoy sboutvhim.
When he asked me out, I still was not wowed by his looks. I also thought his jokes were lame. I accepted the date thinking at best, we might be friends, but not particularly close ones.
Over dinner, I learned much about him that caused me to think of him as potentially a very good friend. I admired his intelligence, had similar interests, values and close friends.We had a few more casual dates and then out first kiss which literally knocked my socks off and caused instant lust. When we had sex, he was my best partner ever.
Almost 5 years later, we’re still together in a relationship that is sexual, sensual, romantic and friendly and sexy lookin. I also enjoy his spontaneous humor which is wickedly funny not like the canned jokes he tells when he doesn’t know people well.
So, unless SK knows him well enough to definitely know he’s not a potential partner, she should go out with him, learn more about him and see if there is chemistry. There may be more to him than she realizes. But if after a date or two, she doesn’t view him as a potential lover, she should move on and not try to force it like she did with the guy about a year ago.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 11:20:36 GMT -5
Well, the time he suggested turned out to conflict with something else I planned to do. So, I kicked the can down the road; I said I couldn’t do it because of prior plans, but I didn’t shut the door on the whole idea.
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Feb 6, 2018 20:34:19 GMT -5
Considering that on another post, I was complaining about how I’m tired of time-wasters and things that don’t work out....I’m just thinking: is it ethical for me to waste somebody’s time? No ethical dilemma as far as I can see. He asked you out, the burden to not waste time is upon him. Now if in some alternate universe an evil SmartKat was to accept an invitation to a concert... I don't know about the rest of you gentlemen ( jim44444, DryCreek, baza, obobfla, greatcoastal, wewbwb), but I for one would LOVE to invite Evil @smartkat out on a date! |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Feb 6, 2018 23:23:58 GMT -5
Hmmmm, Evil @smartkat . ...
Yummy .
What was the question ?
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Feb 6, 2018 23:36:11 GMT -5
Considering that on another post, I was complaining about how I’m tired of time-wasters and things that don’t work out....I’m just thinking: is it ethical for me to waste somebody’s time? OK, now that I made my pithy remark above, and proffered an extended a rant on the subject in an entirely separate thread, I think I've finally cleared my head enough to give @smartkat my actual advice: You're not being unethical to accept the invitation to go out. You are not wasting the man's time, especially if he initiated the request. If you want to send a signal that "this may not head in a romantic direction", I suggest any/all of these: - Mention that you prefer to go dutch on the expense for the evening. Or at least that you prefer to take on SOME of the evening's costs: if he picks up dinner, you state you'd like to pay for the movie. Even if it is not exactly 50/50, it sends a signal.
- Suggest/insist that your first "date" (or whatever you want to call it) is a group activity, say at a Meetup event. Go bowling with a group, or attend a food festival with others, or both bring your ukuleles to the County-wide Uke-a-thon. And -- by the way -- if you can't find a Meetup activity that you would both enjoy, why would EITHER of you be interested in going out with the other? That is a filter right there.
- To be REALLY clear, just inform him "I'll meet you there", and drive yourself.
I think these are all both more subtle and some how more fair to the guy asking you out. Some how expressly announcing a priori "don't expect this to go anywhere" just seems like a bit of an unsubtle slap. I mean, consider: what if you at some point think "hey... he's kinda cute"; you've just dug yourself a hole. Or: what if he's not interested in you sexually anyways? Then you just made a bit of an ass of yourself.
If he agrees to these, he is almost certainly taking the hint that he shouldn't be expecting nookie just for springing for the spring rolls.
If he is so aloof that he can't read these signals, then you are absolved from the worry that you are "wasting his time". Not sure why I feel that way, but it really is his problem at that point.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Feb 7, 2018 10:45:54 GMT -5
I think these are all both more subtle and some how more fair to the guy asking you out. Some how expressly announcing a priori "don't expect this to go anywhere" just seems like a bit of an unsubtle slap. I mean, consider: what if you at some point think "hey... he's kinda cute"; you've just dug yourself a hole. Or: what if he's not interested in you sexually anyways? Then you just made a bit of an ass of yourself.
Yes, I agree with that and Dan's suggestions were spot on. How else can one get to know someone if they don't spend time together? Did I fall "instantly in love" with my now husband? NOPE!!! I didn't even think he was all that "hot" at first either, but now the man melts me all the time with his warm hands, twinkly eyes and kisses. I am genuinely attracted to him - just looking at his picture on my desk, I feel warmth, love and attraction. I didn't have that the VERY FIRST TIME I met him or saw his picture. I get why people are guarded, but I have to say, being overly guarded makes dating harder, I think. Not saying it's right or wrong - and everyone's paths are different, so I shouldn't even say this out loud, I suppose. It's just an observation and something I have heard from men out in the dating world. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 15:49:24 GMT -5
Well, as it happens, I met this man in a Meetup group. It’s a writers’ group that meets weekly, and I’ve known him about six months. He’s smart and comes up with clever story ideas....but I’m just not feeling any chemistry.
Unlike the guy I met in a separate writing workshop around the beginning of December. I *did* feel chemistry with him. Too bad he and I fizzled out. (It’s not the end of the world - if he was going to flake out on me, better to do it early.)
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Feb 7, 2018 16:33:37 GMT -5
Well, as it happens, I met this man in a Meetup group. It’s a writers’ group that meets weekly, and I’ve known him about six months. He’s smart and comes up with clever story ideas....but I’m just not feeling any chemistry. Unlike the guy I met in a separate writing workshop around the beginning of December. I *did* feel chemistry with him. Too bad he and I fizzled out. (It’s not the end of the world - if he was going to flake out on me, better to do it early.) If you are looking for more chemistry, sounds like you should stop going to writers Meetups and start going to chemistry Meetups...  |
|
|
|
Post by flyingsolo on Feb 7, 2018 18:55:20 GMT -5
I think you should go. Very often attraction changes as we get to know someone better. That's a two way street bballgirl. Sometimes it goes the wrong way and you don't want anything to do with the person that you originally liked. |
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 10, 2018 6:32:40 GMT -5
Chiming in here FWIW.
I think going out is fine especially since there is a common interest. But I also think the right "signaling" is also adviseable right off the bat and could set the the right tone. I for certain would welcome that.
Also put me in the camp that would favor a date with @smartkat. Just to see if she is as much kat as she is smart or is that the other way around. Hmmmmm
And lastly, the thing about chemistry is that if its there, the physics and biology are not too far behind. ;-)
|
|
