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Post by shamwow on Jan 16, 2018 7:58:10 GMT -5
My ex and I had nothing in common except the kids, our address, and our families. So, no. No fun with the ex. On the other hand ballofconfusion were at the Smithsonian national gallery of art two days ago. We wandered through hand in hand commenting together on what we saw. We sat on a couch for a while talking about two pieces in particular. One was of Saint Sebastian and his particar story of martyrdom. This led to another discussion of why people would martyr themselves in general. We also sat in front of a painting containing a female nude. I observed that the artist wasn't very good IMHO because the lady had some belly curves, but really well defined arms. I also noted that the tits weren't sagging like they should due to gravity. We both laughed about that. Stuff like that might not be fun for everyone, but both of us truly had a great time.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 16, 2018 8:00:19 GMT -5
I cannot remember the last time we had fun together. We do not share any hobbies or interests other than the kids. Last year her doctor told her she needed to make some changes, and she went out and got a gym family membership, but I am the only one that uses it. Now that she knows I am outsourcing, she is pretty bitter. I cannot tell her "Good morning" without her bristling. She avoids me, and I avoid her. I see this wrapping up as soon as the kids are out. And at that point the kids will have experienced the full measure of a dysfunctional marriage, increasing the likelihood of having one themselves. Just sayin'
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 16, 2018 8:07:36 GMT -5
ironhamster, I grew up in a house like yours. It was a horror. I couldn’t wait to leave home. You are not doing favors to your kids by raising them amid such contempt and hostility.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2018 9:12:35 GMT -5
ironhamster, I grew up in a house like yours. It was a horror. I couldn’t wait to leave home. You are not doing favors to your kids by raising them amid such contempt and hostility. Indeed, shit has gone down hill. My four year plan is now nine months. My eldest is interested in becoming guardian for my youngest, which is a blessing. Given my exotic and demanding work schedule, I cannot look after her like I should, and, now that this can of worms is open I am hearing why my youngest does not want to stay with her mother. Incidentally, my eldest was anxious to move out, long before the shit show started.
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Post by Dan on Jan 16, 2018 9:46:30 GMT -5
Considering that I had the day off work and didn’t tell my roomie that the office was closed today should speak volumes. Wow. That does.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 16, 2018 11:47:51 GMT -5
Considering that I had the day off work and didn’t tell my roomie that the office was closed today should speak volumes. I heard many a similar story in my divorce recovery classes. People (like myself) who pull in the driveway and dread going into the house and having to put on the fake mask. How many times they have sat in the car for an extra hour or two just to avoid the rejection and toxic environment inside.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 16, 2018 13:49:43 GMT -5
ironhamster, I grew up in a house like yours. It was a horror. I couldn’t wait to leave home. You are not doing favors to your kids by raising them amid such contempt and hostility. Indeed, shit has gone down hill. My four year plan is now nine months. My eldest is interested in becoming guardian for my youngest, which is a blessing. Given my exotic and demanding work schedule, I cannot look after her like I should, and, now that this can of worms is open I am hearing why my youngest does not want to stay with her mother. Incidentally, my eldest was anxious to move out, long before the shit show started. I'm sorry about that man. When the wheels fall off, though, they tend to fall off quick.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 16, 2018 15:27:16 GMT -5
It's all ok, shamwow. Seeing how this can end quickly and with less overall pain is less of a curse than my original plan, and there may be a previously unexpected blessing in there, too.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 16, 2018 22:56:12 GMT -5
But I'm so over "date night". There are so many things I have wanted to do together like cook together, listen to podcasts together, play music together, maybe go volunteer for Habitat for Humanity together, go out dancing or take a class... but they just haven't transpired, even with years of gentle cajoling, and the occasional outright begging. So the closeness it could have brought, likewise, didn't materialize. To me, "date night" is so contrived for married people. One of the main reasons I got married was to avoid dating! LOL. I mean, seriously, I get the concept of date night, but it just seems weird when you've been married for 20 years or so to call it that. Acts of service and words of affirmation? Sounds like something she should have done yesterday to celebrate MLK's Birthday!
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Post by saarinista on Jan 16, 2018 23:02:53 GMT -5
Considering that I had the day off work and didn’t tell my roomie that the office was closed today should speak volumes. I went to breakfast by myself, caught a mantinee, did a little work in the office, and am now sitting at the bar downstairs from work. I can’t even watch a sporting event with her as she criticizes way too much for my tastes. Just enjoy the game. Watch the “chess match” between players. Between coaches. No need to second guess or criticize the decisions. They are the decisions they made. I love comedy. I enjoy heckling and being heckled by the comedian. My roomie HATES the attention. It wasn’t always like this. I have a very logical mind. I weighed the pros and cons of marrying this woman for months before asking. My mind didn’t see the cracks, just the shiny smoothe parts. Damn 20-something brain! Man, that reeks, brian. Maybe you should have weighed the pros and cons for years, not months. Then again, I did that, and I'm not getting any either. D'oh!
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Jan 16, 2018 23:06:36 GMT -5
I can have fun with my spouse but there isn't anything we do that's just us. The biggest thing we enjoy is board games but there often seems to be too much tension to play most. We don't have healthy competition, it's adversarial. But in a passive aggressive way lol. So we play games where we have to cooperate.
This past weekend I forced myself to let my guard down and we had more fun than usual. I complemented him frequently (no reciprocation of course) and that made most the weekend smooth. We went to the park with our daughter and niece and did a nature walk. It was super fun until we got back in the car and he complained about how long it took. He was grumpy the whole ride back.
We recently went on vacation to Washington for a week to visit family. 14 hour drive each way and we had zero conversation the entire time. Crazy.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 16, 2018 23:09:55 GMT -5
ironhamster, I grew up in a house like yours. It was a horror. I couldn’t wait to leave home. You are not doing favors to your kids by raising them amid such contempt and hostility. I grew up around constantly fighting parents and I couldn't wait to leave home either. Also did not enjoy going back to visit so much as an adult. My view is if people can't make a marriage work, they should consider getting divorced and seeking their bliss elsewhere. Every situation is different, but what's the point of being miserable together?
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Post by Dan on Jan 17, 2018 1:36:06 GMT -5
To me, "date night" is so contrived for married people. One of the main reasons I got married was to avoid dating! LOL. I mean, seriously, I get the concept of date night, but it just seems weird when you've been married for 20 years or so to call it that. FWIW: I think "date night" is not for married people... it is for married people with kids. "Get out of the house, spend some time with each other; talking about the kids and household to-do lists is strictly off limits." Those were pretty much the exact instructions of our marital therapist.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 5:19:46 GMT -5
We recently went on vacation to Washington for a week to visit family. 14 hour drive each way and we had zero conversation the entire time. Crazy. Oh, that sounds familiar. It's improved a little recently. Probably since I gave up on ever having sex again with her, and I'm concentrating on making things more pleasant in other areas. Some of her issues with me are legitimate so I want to improve myself in those ways, and she does notice the effort even if she thinks it is woefully inadequate.
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Post by baza on Jan 17, 2018 5:30:06 GMT -5
Interesting that Brother @shynjdude .
If one has some "issues" or other (and who doesn't !) it is not a bad idea to try and address them.
Although it is highly unlikely to do much to benefit your ILIASM deal, it may do a huge amount of good for a future relationship.
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