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Post by WindSister on Dec 26, 2017 13:50:34 GMT -5
I was reading up on some of the literature geared towards adult children of alcoholics and wow, explains a lot!!
My eagerness to please.
My extreme discomfort with aggressive/mean people but yet my own tendency to go that way if I am not fully awake/careful.
My extreme disliking of criticism.
My need to keep the peace, make things happy for everyone.
I am not blaming my parents, (mom in particular), it's just enlightening.
This Christmas was a little messy. We were planning on spending it with my mom and her boyfriend who live 4.5 hours away. We got there at noon on Saturday and had a good, fun day, so I am thankful for that. Sunday morning I got a call from an employee, calling in sick... tried a million things, couldn't get a shift covered so we had to pack up and drive home so I could work a direct care shift on Christmas Eve (4pm Christmas Eve to 8 am Christmas morning). Mom took it tough, tears in eyes, etc... I just knew I had to do this and bucked up, found peace with the situation, kept joy/peace/love in my heart. I made the best of the Holiday, made the home fun for my one client who had to stay home because she didn't have family taking her home. In the end, for that reason, I am glad I was the one working and not staff because they tend to not care as much as I do (not playing a martyr, it's truth).
The whole time, in the back of my mind, though, I am worried about mom because I know her. Unmet expectations = depression = drinking. OR is it "unmet expectations = drinking = depression??) Either way, depression/alcohol, not a good mix.
I sent a few "I love yous" just to let her know I was thinking about her. Nothing was sent back in return from her until last night (Christmas day).
She texted me a quick, "Thanks for the gift, I am going to bed!" at 6 pm. She opened her gifts just prior to sending the text from us and with/from her boyfriend. I could just "sense" an issue... but I replied, "You are welcome! It's only 6, but I wish you sweet dreams!" 20 minutes later she replied, "Depressed!!!!! Bed is best!!!!. Never gotten what I wanted for Christmas and guess I am running out time!!!!!! It's okay.... "
I just replied with, "Sorry for the disappointment. Try to rest. I love you."
Then three hours later she texted, "I will share later.. Strange Day!!!!!" along with a picture of a diamond bracelet on her wrist.
The exclamation points mean she was drinking. It's her "drunk text style" - I know it well.
My brother avoids answering her when he sees exclamation points. I don't converse with her too much, I just send the "I love you" because I don't want regret if something were to happen.
Suicide runs in our family - her father, her uncle and a cousin. I feel like I am the one who broke free because I really have learned a better way to exist in life. I know peace. I know joy. She doesn't, and it's damn hard to watch, but again, I can't fix her.
I wanted to say, "Sorry you had to spend Christmas with your son, grandsons and boyfriend in your warm, toasty, nice house. Sorry you are 72. Sorry you got a beautiful diamond bracelet for a gift. Sorry if my present of a gift card to a store you like and the vase/flower arrangement wasn't good enough." I didn't - she wouldn't have gotten the sarcasm and I don't want to make her feel bad.
But she pisses me off.
That's why I am typing here. Just to get it out. Maybe this isn't the place but, it'll do for today.
Mom and her expectations causing profound suffering in her life -- all her life.
What exactly does a daughter say to such a text? "I am running out of time..." How can you help someone who doesn't want to help herself? She doesn't want to go to "old lady" events so she is bored a lot (I get those texts, too, "I am so bored!!), she has no friends because frankly she is turning bitter and mean and no one likes her. She holds on to grudges. She judges people IMMENSELY with such evil criticalness. She suddenly doesn't like football because there are black players (what the hell, that is not the mom I knew and dad was never like that). She loves Trump. God, need I go on.......
THEN, as her daughter I just sit here witnessing her life and unhappiness and beg my heart to never end up like her...........
And yet, I love her and want the best for her. It's all so hard to watch.
Since dad died 11 years ago, she's changed -- this "dark side" of her has come fully out. I think dad kept her pleasant. He did say once, though, "I feel sorry for the son of a bitch who has to put up with you when I am gone." He was joking (I can still hear his robust, hearty laugh), but was he? Really?? I saw traces of this woman, but now... wow..... It's getting harder and harder.
Anyway... just venting.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 26, 2017 14:04:57 GMT -5
I recall one Christmas eve, I was 13 -- Mom got drunk, Dad was tired, so he went to bed, but she got him up and they fought. She was complaining there was no money. I poured all the booze down the toilet and put notes in each one how much each one was. Then I walked 3 miles to a friend's house. Funny....... we never ever spoke of that night in our house. Ever. Makes me wonder why I have memory issues?? Ah, childhood fun. How did we never speak of that night? Anyway... I am still the one who says I had a great child hood, and I did.... but.... yes, there were moments.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 26, 2017 14:29:08 GMT -5
I have empathy over what it’s like to have a mom for whom nothing you do for her is enough.... Letting of misplaced guilt over that is hard.
Are you going to be able to take the time to go to an Al Anon it ACA meeting during the holidays? They can be particularly helpful during times like this.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 26, 2017 14:49:12 GMT -5
I have empathy over what it’s like to have a mom for whom nothing you do for her is enough.... Letting of misplaced guilt over that is hard. Are you going to be able to take the time to go to an Al Anon it ACA meeting during the holidays? They can be particularly helpful during times like this. I have never done meetings, I don't even fully "label" myself as anything. I just recently accidentally stumbled upon some literature recently. I drink, too. Some Friday nights we tend to have a few whiskeys. But, it's fun. We drink a bit, talk, listen to music and have that extra-uninhibited sex that a good buzz brings. The next day we feel fine, not hung over, it's not bottles we drink, just a few glasses. Maybe once or twice a year it's "too much," but rarely (and even then, we had FUN, it doesn't lead to fights or any kind of weirdness). I don't want to give it up completely. I don't use it to cover my feelings, I can't drink when I am alone - I tried it once when I was just divorced, it didn't work, I just fell asleep and never did it again. I get happy and horny when I drink and then fall asleep. Mom gets dark, sad. That's when she calls -- texting is bad but actually accidentally picking up the phone when she's drunk and having to voice talk? The worse. DARK stuff comes out of her. But, to answer your question no -- I don't do the meetings. I go to the woods. It works for me.  |
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Post by WindSister on Dec 26, 2017 14:51:13 GMT -5
I have to add this, though -- when she is sober, she's pleasant. But as she ages, even her sober self is different. She really is turning bitter..... it makes me sad.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 26, 2017 14:58:28 GMT -5
I will admit that's the most I ever talked about it. Feels weird.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 26, 2017 21:14:27 GMT -5
Ok, I worked through the 24 Question Assessment to determine if I am an ACoA. Once upon a time, I would've answered YES to most of them. I suppose I had some deep reason to protect this false image of a perfect childhood, but in recent years that image has been shattering. I think because I have little tolerance for facades now. I only answer yes to a few questions now, thanks to mindfulness and meditation and my quest to live authentically, but that tells me I still have healing work to do. I could slip into toxic behavior again, too, if I didn't stay mindful. Recently I gave myself permission to go on solo hikes again. This is something I did a lot post divorce and it was something I really enjoyed, plus found healing strength in. When I met my husband, I was so thrilled he enjoyed the outdoors as well, so we did it together all the time. While I immensely enjoy treks with him, I also need my solo jaunts, too. Happiliy, he supports this, and, actually, by me doing this, it has sparked something between us akin to our first year together. I can't lose who I was becoming as a woman to marriage. He fell in love with that woman. Anyway, I'm just in a reflective mood and thankful for the platform to share. More than anything, I just don't want to end up like mom. It's a genuine fear I have. I love her and it hurts like hell to say that and I immediately want to bring up all her good points (real and imagined), but I will leave it at that. Thanks. Sorry for all the posts. Here is a picture of my winter Soltice hike. I love the quiet one can find in the snowy woods. It's healing.  |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 26, 2017 23:08:17 GMT -5
What a lovely picture. Reminds me of Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening.
“Ok, I worked through the 24 Question Assessment to determine if I am an ACoA. “
? Being ACOA doesn’t mean one displays sick, bad or crazy behavior. It just means one’s life was affected by a parent’s alcohol use. One can be emotionally and mentally healthy but still have had negative experiences due to a parent’s drinking.
“Thanks. Sorry for all the posts.”
No reason to apologize. This is a good place to vent.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 27, 2017 0:07:46 GMT -5
I will admit that's the most I ever talked about it. Feels weird. I have no answers but I certainly can relate, in my own way. Hopefully sharing is good. My mother did not get to meet her last two grandchildren, she passed away. But I remember my programming as a child. Respect your mother. This easily lead to dismissing your thoughts and emotions, especially when moms bi-polar came out in my teen years. However it sure doesn't mean they went away, it's more about how I handle the memories, and how I handle similar situations today. I find this applicable as I am going through my divorce. So many "little" things that I was "programmed" to accept, that are now annoying. I now wonder how I will do when it's time to accept all the little things with someone new? Or will I get to a point where living mostly alone means not having to put up with such things, and no one else has to put up with any of my annoying behaviors? Like so many things It comes down to boundaries, receiving the respect that is owed to you by standing up for yourself. Getting others to treat you the way , you treat them ,and the way you deserve to be treated. I know, I know, much easier said than done! Think of it as a "restoration process". |
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Post by WindSister on Dec 27, 2017 6:58:41 GMT -5
What a lovely picture. Reminds me of Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening. “Ok, I worked through the 24 Question Assessment to determine if I am an ACoA. “ ? Being ACOA doesn’t mean one displays sick, bad or crazy behavior. It just means one’s life was affected by a parent’s alcohol use. One can be emotionally and mentally healthy but still have had negative experiences due to a parent’s drinking. “Thanks. Sorry for all the posts.” No reason to apologize. This is a good place to vent. Thanks, yes it is a good place to get things out. I've tried therapy but I write more fluently than I talk, so talk therapy is useless for me. Writing and the woods have always been my therapy. And, thanks for reminder on the fact it just means I was affected by her addiction/Issues. Like I said, it is a real damn fear of mine that I'll end up like her and I don't want that. She has goodness, too. I just wish she'd let those parts of her shine instead of slipping into the dark. But it's her life. |
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Post by M2G on Dec 27, 2017 9:46:21 GMT -5
Growing up in a home with a variety of alcoholics is not a strange thing for me:
Stepfather: Alcoholic narcissist with a violent streak, nobody was safe
Mother: Not a drinker but a manipulating controller / codependent / semi-sadist
Grandfather: WWII vet, quiet drinker, mellow as a fresh spring day - great guy who stayed out of the way
Grandmother: Always drinking, but a loving happy drunk, never a bad word except to Stepfather & when they got going look the fuck out.
I'd say you are correct: Whether you belong in ACoA or not, or turn out like your mother, is fully under your own control once you've owned your problems as your own, not blaming those that caused them - which you seem to have done quite well.
If the fear of ending up like that is what drives you, then embrace it. I feel the same a lot of days - though I'm using other methods (mindfulness and audio books chiefly because thinking about the past holds too many triggers). Whatever works for you to keep you "on point" seems to be working very well for you.
Really glad you posted all this stuff - I got quite a bit out of it.
Thanks for sharing!
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Post by WindSister on Dec 27, 2017 10:05:18 GMT -5
If the fear of ending up like that is what drives you, then embrace it. I feel the same a lot of days - though I'm using other methods (mindfulness and audio books chiefly because thinking about the past holds too many triggers). Whatever works for you to keep you "on point" seems to be working very well for you. This is the most I have really allowed myself to dive into the past otherwise, yes, working through my own anxieties/depression (whatever the cause of it, I knew I was suffering from those) I also used mindfulness, meditation - and nature and writing. John Kabat Zinn and Parker J. Palmer were authors/mentors that really spoke to me. I agree with you about triggers from the past and that is why I tend to shy away from groups, unless they were very now-thinking (forward thinking). Thanks for your comment and I wish you the best on your journey. I want to add that I know mom suffers from her own past and the issues there, I mean her father hung himself and she was the one who found him - a four year old is not going to grow up thinking the world is a safe, wonderful place after that. That's where my compassion comes into play for her - I do hurt for her hurts. But, yes, we have to, at some point, take personal responsibility for our own lives, behavior. She can flip so drastically from one extreme to another. When she hits that low, wow.... it's hard to witness. So, yes, using that as my own motivation to stay mindful about my own feelings/emotions/responses to life. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 27, 2017 10:16:55 GMT -5
I love Parker Palmer and John Kabat zin. Have you discovered yet Sharon Salzberg’s books on lovingkindness meditation? Pema Chodron has good reads, too, that bring wisdom and self compassion.
While my mom wasn’t an alcoholic, she had intimacy problems dating to childhood including her finding her father unconscious after he tried to commit suicide due to losing lots of money because of his gambling addiction.
Another book you may find helpful is Guide to Recovery by Gravitz and Bowen. It’s a gentle, supportive, uplifting book that changed my life.
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Post by WindSister on Dec 27, 2017 10:58:01 GMT -5
I will admit that's the most I ever talked about it. Feels weird. I have no answers but I certainly can relate, in my own way. Hopefully sharing is good. My mother did not get to meet her last two grandchildren, she passed away. But I remember my programming as a child. Respect your mother. This easily lead to dismissing your thoughts and emotions, especially when moms bi-polar came out in my teen years. However it sure doesn't mean they went away, it's more about how I handle the memories, and how I handle similar situations today. I find this applicable as I am going through my divorce. So many "little" things that I was "programmed" to accept, that are now annoying. I now wonder how I will do when it's time to accept all the little things with someone new? Or will I get to a point where living mostly alone means not having to put up with such things, and no one else has to put up with any of my annoying behaviors? Like so many things It comes down to boundaries, receiving the respect that is owed to you by standing up for yourself. Getting others to treat you the way , you treat them ,and the way you deserve to be treated. I know, I know, much easier said than done! Think of it as a "restoration process". The restoration process is hard, rewarding work for those of us who choose to embark it! It allows us to finally break free from the past hurts of previous generations, too. Very good stuff. I keep wanting to respond to your post but keep going off on a tangent about relationships. I will just say -- you will figure it out if you want to figure it out. With the right person, it will be something you learn together. In a healthy relationship there is no "button pushing" just to get a reaction, there is no score-keeping, or silent treatments and there is definitely no using sex as a reward or punishment (although there may be reward and punishment in sex... sorry, should delete, Dirty Santa left a lasting impression). There is a lot of vulnerability, I think, in a truly healthy/thriving relationship. Transparency. For me, anyway. Being vulnerable was really really hard for me to do because I have always held on to this internal belief I had to be perfect to be loved. So, to let my husband in and see all of me, was hard, but rewarding. He did the same. We still love each other. We embrace those annoying behaviors and love each other anyway. It's really powerful. We both take personal responsibility for our feelings/emotions/behaviors, though (and happiness). Yes, that leads to creating boundaries for yourself. These are ever-changing, and I think that's important to remember. Like my need to go on solo hikes once in awhile. I thought I would be happy to never go on solo hike again once I met him, but turns out, I kinda need that. I am creating that space for myself and he supports me. If he didn't support me, we would have a challenge to work though. I am glad he supports me. But we are dynamic beings, ever changing - in "coupling" I think sometimes roles become more important than each "Being" and that's when things can start to slip or get messy. It takes a certain amount of freedom/togetherness to make it all work and we all know it's tough dance to learn! Still learning. Yup. Tangent again. lol Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the matter. Appreciated as always. |
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Post by WindSister on Dec 27, 2017 11:02:59 GMT -5
I love Parker Palmer and John Kabat zin. Have you discovered yet Sharon Salzberg’s books on lovingkindness meditation? Pema Chodron has good reads, too, that bring wisdom and self compassion. While my mom wasn’t an alcoholic, she had intimacy problems dating to childhood including her finding her father unconscious after he tried to commit suicide due to losing lots of money because of his gambling addiction. Another book you may find helpful is Guide to Recovery by Gravitz and Bowen. It’s a gentle, supportive, uplifting book that changed my life. Ah yes, Pema -- LOVE HER. I will look into the others. Thanks. |
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