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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 28, 2017 16:46:04 GMT -5
I had to reach a point to leave, to run the other way. Only it doesn't happen in a day. Especially with kids involved.
I am also learning about standing up for myself in a respectful manner. Another major step will be enforcing boundaries without fear or guilt. Hard to do when you have been programmed to think "be a giver and you will receive greater return". Not always the case, is it?
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Post by baza on Dec 31, 2017 1:00:09 GMT -5
"If" you were to finally leave this bloke, you might do a whole lot better at being his carer - even his primary carer - were you to do so at distance. You would - under this model - have periods of respite from the toxic environment during which you could re-charge your batteries, and really "be there" for the bloke because you *want to be* rather than *have to be*. And quite likely, you would do a way better job in the support role this way rather than doing the job in an obligated and trapped and resentful manner.
Thing is, you - as much as anyone else - are quite entitled to follow your own life aspirations, and you can do that whilst being mindful of responsibilities to other people, and usually the competing forces can both be accomodated.
*Supporting* someone does NOT mean subjugating your own life to them. It means supporting - not having someone else's needs always taking precedence over your needs.
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Post by M2G on Dec 31, 2017 7:25:09 GMT -5
Elle, I agree with every single word. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. My therapist says the same. A big turning point recently has been a shift in me from resentment blame and guilt and depression towards myself for being in this entanglement to just taking a leap of faith in my mind that I do have choices and that I can extricate from it in a steady thoughtful way. I’m with you too. Hugs back to you and be gentle towards yourself. My therapist said “We can have compassion and love for someone without taking in all their pain and problems. Those are their problems and no one else’s. We have our own. That helped me and maybe others who tend to get overly empathetic or at least take on another’s pain/ not keepin* good boundaries: (me)! Its been said that there is a major difference between empathy and sympathy. When you empathize, you offer care, comfort and solutions for a person's problem as best as you can without making it your own. When you sympathize, you become enmeshed in the persons problems and make them your own - resulting in two people with no real solution that works for both. The semantics of the words aside, I would advise empathizing. You offer help and solutions, but don't take everything on by yourself, and you don't become a hollow shell by feeding all of your energy to someone else. As baza and others mentioned - you can care for your H and at the same time look after your own needs as well as taking ownership of your own life. Offer compassion - just take care that you don't get wiped out by it emotionally. Does that make sense? I wish you all the best in 2018.
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Post by Dan on Jan 9, 2018 16:55:09 GMT -5
Please, please, please consider individual talk therapy.
Do any of these things that you would like: - continue to post here - talk with trusted IRL friends - write in a private journal - consider how to start doing things that don't involve your husband (social time without him)
But you really MUST: - find a professional talk therapist to start working through ALL of the emotions in your post.
What is therapy for? It is exactly for dealing with the conflicting emotions that you wrote about in your OP. It is dealing with a qualified professional who will guide you, and help you figure out how you FEEL, and then help you figure out what you WANT, and then help you figure out what are the right NEXT STEPS for you.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 10, 2018 18:48:04 GMT -5
warmways , it's an oversimplification, but you don't have to be married to be supportive. As Baza points out, all marriages end, whether though death or divorce. If you keeled over tomorrow, he'd find a way to cope because he'd have to. The biggest obstacle is probably dealing with your own guilt over the decision - that's one to work through with your therapist Thank you, Dry Creek. This* speaks to me. Yes. It boils down to some guilt. I hadn’t even fully realized that that is the biggest part of it until I read this. 🙏 We build up so uh fear and guilt over the years that they almost become comfortable to us. Even needed. It's like the character Brooks in the movie Shawshank Redemption. After so long in prison he was institutionalized to it. In the end he couldn't cope with life on the "outside". I was institutionalized as all hell. In the end I was able to let go of that fear and forgive myself for the things I felt guilty for (I'd give myself 25 percent of the blame in the failure of my marriage). Get yo where you can let go of fear and guilt before you do anything drastic. Oh yeah... Usual advice of lawyer up too.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 10, 2018 18:49:29 GMT -5
I had to reach a point to leave, to run the other way. Only it doesn't happen in a day. Especially with kids involved. I am also learning about standing up for myself in a respectful manner. Another major step will be enforcing boundaries without fear or guilt. Hard to do when you have been programmed to think "be a giver and you will receive greater return". Not always the case, is it? That, sir, is because you re-learned how to respect yourself. The boundaries thing takes time, but it DOES come.
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Post by warmways on Jan 11, 2018 0:11:23 GMT -5
It’s coming— the boundaries and the real knowing (not just skirting around the idea) that I’m done so done and have to break out of my comfortable hell/can’t continue on this path.
Dan — I have an individual therapist. I see her every two weeks and saw her today. She’s trying her best to get me moving. I’ll get there. All this took a long time for me and I’m dealing with guilt now that it took me so long but my therapist said it doesn’t matter. It takes everyone different lengths as long as I live in the truth and that I have to feel my feelis and no one died from their emotions.
Shamwow, what you said really hits home. I’ve often felt like I was in a comfortable prison that I’d gotten used to.
I appreciate all you’re thoughtful responses so much. Thanks! (hugs)
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Post by shamwow on Jan 11, 2018 6:01:23 GMT -5
It’s coming— the boundaries and the real knowing (not just skirting around the idea) that I’m done so done and have to break out of my comfortable hell/can’t continue on this path. Dan — I have an individual therapist. I see her every two weeks and saw her today. She’s trying her best to get me moving. I’ll get there. All this took a long time for me and I’m dealing with guilt now that it took me so long but my therapist said it doesn’t matter. It takes everyone different lengths as long as I live in the truth and that I have to feel my feelis and no one died from their emotions. Shamwow, what you said really hits home. I’ve often felt like I was in a comfortable prison that I’d gotten used to. I appreciate all you’re thoughtful responses so much. Thanks! (hugs) Just be sure that you have your safety net up and ready before you jump out that window. The pavement below can be pretty hard if you're not prepared.
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Post by warmways on Jan 11, 2018 12:36:26 GMT -5
Thanks
Place to live check New phone and email check Lawyer check Have funds for lawyer check Therapist check Full time job check Confidence regaining check!
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In too deep
Jan 11, 2018 14:58:04 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by rejected101 on Jan 11, 2018 14:58:04 GMT -5
Not to take away from the initial content of this post but....
In too deep....
The chance would be a fine thing.
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Post by warmways on Jan 11, 2018 21:24:57 GMT -5
Did you mean to say the change would be a fine thing?
Thanks..
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Post by james on Jan 12, 2018 3:23:06 GMT -5
HI warmways I think that once you have made the decision to disentangle yourself, it doesn't really matter how long you have been entangled for. If the motivation to disentangle is there, then you will find a way to achieve it. 7 months, 7 years, 17 years- what does it matter? As long as you have realistic hope for the future, then why not? Obviously if you were 87 years old and had been together for 65 years, then it would seem a little pointless, but that isn't the case, is it? Good luck to you and keep us updated.
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Post by warmways on Jan 13, 2018 0:50:58 GMT -5
Hi james Yes! This is the way I’m looking at it. I know what I want and need to do but in order for my exit to be lasting I have to take the steps that work for me. The last time I wasn’t ready emotionally, wasn’t strong enough to carry through my intention of leaving when I gave him the div papers. Thanks for your words...I wish you good luck as well.
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