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Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 24, 2017 2:03:00 GMT -5
I sat in my car at work for over half an hour yesterday and sobbed my eyes out. Then walked around the building for another 15.
I’m not sure if that constitutes a mental breakdown, but I was extremely tired afterward. I’ve been stressed out for a while. I guess it was bound to happen sometime.
I went back to my desk. No one had noticed I was gone. Today, I mentioned to my H and my mom what had happened. Neither seemed to think it was a big deal. Perhaps it’s not?
What set me off? Seeing lots of happy couples in the employee cafeteria, and knowing I’d never be one of them (my H showed interest in doing lunch on Tuesday and decided he was too broke). Also, yesterday morning, we fought about me going to Hawaii, and seeing friends last night (the first elicited an “I won’t allow it”, followed later by “I guess I can’t stop you” and “We need to talk”; the second caused an eye roll and him leaving the room).
Anyway, I wanted to share. I’m plannng to call two people about my trip tomorrow. So that’s something.
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Post by baza on Nov 24, 2017 3:50:11 GMT -5
Dysfunctional marriage does your head in, gets you thinking weird shit, gets you making uninformed choices that feed back into the loop.
Your symptoms would be all too familiar to many many many members here.
It comes with the territory.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 24, 2017 9:07:11 GMT -5
When I was in my sm I could not look at happy couples irl or on the screen. They were just reminders of what I longed for and didn’t have. I felt that way for 30 years while I stayed married.
I now know that when I felt that way a brief year into my marriage, I should have known to get out.
Realize that you probably will not have the kind of love you want in your marriage but if you let go of it, you will make room for the love you want. Took me more than 30 years. Now I’m part of a happy couple. Don’t wait and wait like I did.
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Post by M2G on Nov 24, 2017 10:56:44 GMT -5
mypaintbrushes you're not alone here, in that. Yesterday I was was watching Netflix to get away from it all, and what do I see but a guy pushing his beautiful wife away from him. ..Wept like a baby then went into the shower and did it some more. This is our normal.?
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 25, 2017 16:46:10 GMT -5
I think it is normal to either get lost in the fantasy of what you want or stabbed by the reality of what you have. Congrats on moving forward with your solo vacation plans, mypaintbrushes. I think it will be good to get away, visit your friends, and clear your mind a bit. You've had quite a year, and I hope the R&R is refreshing. |
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Post by Caris on Nov 25, 2017 19:39:53 GMT -5
I don’t think you had a breakdown, but if this continues, it could result in one, and it’s terrifying, and can take years to recover fully.
Mine started with sever depression and prolonged stress...this was year 19 of a SM, and several other major stresses occurring simultaneously. I was also existing on 3-4 hours sleep most nights, and not being superwoman, I suffered a breakdown.
There were signs that I was breaking, so watch out for them. The main thing is memory loss and confusion. Driving in familiar places, I wouldn’t know where I was, and didn’t know how to get to my destination. I knew that I knew the way, but memory of it would dissapear. Couldn’t remember the car I drove, or even my name for a few seconds. These would be fleeting, at first, but as I continued to push myself to go on, it got worse, until I had to write a note leaving myself instructions on how to dress and undress myself. Ultimately, as stress went on, my mind cracked, and I slept for a week. Then weeks of relearning how to get from bedroom to kitchen etc. That was 7-years ago, and my cognitive function is still not back to what it was pre-breakdown, but I’ve improved a lot, and hopefully will recover even more as I heal.
Don’t get yourself to this point. Losing your ability to think, plan, and remember known things is terrifying. You don’t know if your mind will come back. I had no help, so had to use my own techniques to slowly recover, and although I seem completely normal to anyone now, my mind works at a much slower pace than before, and I can become overwhelmed very fast, so it’s been a long and scary road back. This is why I won’t tolerate abuse (or perceived abuse or threat) of any kind. Won’t suffer fools gladly, or anyone or anything that exhausts my mind. My peace of mind is my top priority, so I protect it fiercely.
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So...
Nov 25, 2017 20:49:13 GMT -5
via mobile
Caris likes this
Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 25, 2017 20:49:13 GMT -5
I don’t think you had a breakdown, but if this continues, it could result in one, and it’s terrifying, and can take years to recover fully. Mine started with sever depression and prolonged stress...this was year 19 of a SM, and several other major stresses occurring simultaneously. I was also existing on 3-4 hours sleep most nights, and not being superwoman, I suffered a breakdown. There were signs that I was breaking, so watch out for them. The main thing is memory loss and confusion. Driving in familiar places, I wouldn’t know where I was, and didn’t know how to get to my destination. I knew that I knew the way, but memory of it would dissapear. Couldn’t remember the car I drove, or even my name for a few seconds. These would be fleeting, at first, but as I continued to push myself to go on, it got worse, until I had to write a note leaving myself instructions on how to dress and undress myself. Ultimately, as stress went on, my mind cracked, and I slept for a week. Then weeks of relearning how to get from bedroom to kitchen etc. That was 7-years ago, and my cognitive function is still not back to what it was pre-breakdown, but I’ve improved a lot, and hopefully will recover even more as I heal. Don’t get yourself to this point. Losing your ability to think, plan, and remember known things is terrifying. You don’t know if your mind will come back. I had no help, so had to use my own techniques to slowly recover, and although I seem completely normal to anyone now, my mind works at a much slower pace than before, and I can become overwhelmed very fast, so it’s been a long and scary road back. This is why I won’t tolerate abuse (or perceived abuse or threat) of any kind. Won’t suffer fools gladly, or anyone or anything that exhausts my mind. My peace of mind is my top priority, so I protect it fiercely. My God, Caris, that sounds terrifying! I had a mild concussion 2 years ago and just that amount of forgetfulness was extremely frustrating. |
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So...
Nov 25, 2017 21:34:25 GMT -5
Post by baza on Nov 25, 2017 21:34:25 GMT -5
Back on 09 August, you listed a number of contentious issues in your deal, particularly his hopeless financial mis-management.
Is there any progress on those other matters, or are they going similar to the sexual component of the deal ?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Nov 25, 2017 22:45:25 GMT -5
I don’t think you had a breakdown, but if this continues, it could result in one, and it’s terrifying, and can take years to recover fully. Mine started with sever depression and prolonged stress...this was year 19 of a SM, and several other major stresses occurring simultaneously. I was also existing on 3-4 hours sleep most nights, and not being superwoman, I suffered a breakdown. There were signs that I was breaking, so watch out for them. The main thing is memory loss and confusion. Driving in familiar places, I wouldn’t know where I was, and didn’t know how to get to my destination. I knew that I knew the way, but memory of it would dissapear. Couldn’t remember the car I drove, or even my name for a few seconds. These would be fleeting, at first, but as I continued to push myself to go on, it got worse, until I had to write a note leaving myself instructions on how to dress and undress myself. Ultimately, as stress went on, my mind cracked, and I slept for a week. Then weeks of relearning how to get from bedroom to kitchen etc. That was 7-years ago, and my cognitive function is still not back to what it was pre-breakdown, but I’ve improved a lot, and hopefully will recover even more as I heal. Don’t get yourself to this point. Losing your ability to think, plan, and remember known things is terrifying. You don’t know if your mind will come back. I had no help, so had to use my own techniques to slowly recover, and although I seem completely normal to anyone now, my mind works at a much slower pace than before, and I can become overwhelmed very fast, so it’s been a long and scary road back. This is why I won’t tolerate abuse (or perceived abuse or threat) of any kind. Won’t suffer fools gladly, or anyone or anything that exhausts my mind. My peace of mind is my top priority, so I protect it fiercely. I have not been prone to crying most of my adult life. But about 4 years into the starfish tank, the stress of it all began to get to me. For instance, one time I pulled up to a stop sign and started sobbing because the name of the street reminded me of my childhood. Over the span of a couple weeks this happened several times. I’m not talking about a bit of crying: this was INTENSE wailing. The W walked in on me doing this once and started freaking out. I didn’t have memory loss but pretty soon I absolutely did start having very delusional thoughts. And before you know it I was locked up for a week in the nut bin. They gave me antidepressants and sent me home. Within a couple weeks I was locked up in another nut bin for another week. This time I came out with a bipolar diagnosis and a script for lithium, which I have now been taking for 6 years. I agree with Caris - it is very important you keep a close eye on this and take special care of yourself during this time. Hopefully it’s just a good cry. Nothing wrong with that. I’m so incredibly sorry!! |
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Post by Caris on Nov 26, 2017 12:48:18 GMT -5
I don’t think you had a breakdown, but if this continues, it could result in one, and it’s terrifying, and can take years to recover fully. Mine started with sever depression and prolonged stress...this was year 19 of a SM, and several other major stresses occurring simultaneously. I was also existing on 3-4 hours sleep most nights, and not being superwoman, I suffered a breakdown. There were signs that I was breaking, so watch out for them. The main thing is memory loss and confusion. Driving in familiar places, I wouldn’t know where I was, and didn’t know how to get to my destination. I knew that I knew the way, but memory of it would dissapear. Couldn’t remember the car I drove, or even my name for a few seconds. These would be fleeting, at first, but as I continued to push myself to go on, it got worse, until I had to write a note leaving myself instructions on how to dress and undress myself. Ultimately, as stress went on, my mind cracked, and I slept for a week. Then weeks of relearning how to get from bedroom to kitchen etc. That was 7-years ago, and my cognitive function is still not back to what it was pre-breakdown, but I’ve improved a lot, and hopefully will recover even more as I heal. Don’t get yourself to this point. Losing your ability to think, plan, and remember known things is terrifying. You don’t know if your mind will come back. I had no help, so had to use my own techniques to slowly recover, and although I seem completely normal to anyone now, my mind works at a much slower pace than before, and I can become overwhelmed very fast, so it’s been a long and scary road back. This is why I won’t tolerate abuse (or perceived abuse or threat) of any kind. Won’t suffer fools gladly, or anyone or anything that exhausts my mind. My peace of mind is my top priority, so I protect it fiercely. I have not been prone to crying most of my adult life. But about 4 years into the starfish tank, the stress of it all began to get to me. For instance, one time I pulled up to a stop sign and started sobbing because the name of the street reminded me of my childhood. Over the span of a couple weeks this happened several times. I’m not talking about a bit of crying: this was INTENSE wailing. The W walked in on me doing this once and started freaking out. I didn’t have memory loss but pretty soon I absolutely did start having very delusional thoughts. And before you know it I was locked up for a week in the nut bin. They gave me antidepressants and sent me home. Within a couple weeks I was locked up in another nut bin for another week. This time I came out with a bipolar diagnosis and a script for lithium, which I have now been taking for 6 years. I agree with Caris - it is very important you keep a close eye on this and take special care of yourself during this time. Hopefully it’s just a good cry. Nothing wrong with that. Crying and sobbing are signs of depression, and I did both for decades, until I lost the ability to cry for a few years. I think that you being diagnosed with bi-polar makes it even worse for you. You suffer bouts of depression (and elation) without the trauma of a SM, and unkind spouse, to add to your burden. I’m sorry. This makes it even more critical that you care for your mental wellbeing as much as you can. Neurons will “die” when under prolonged stress and depression, and I do believe I’ve lost some neuronal function because of this. I don’t know your background, but this environment of the SM is not conducive to your mental health. You need to make yourself a priority. |
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Post by warmways on Nov 26, 2017 23:29:35 GMT -5
I also have had a few emotional breakdowns during my marriage with the latest in June if 2015 because I stopped sleeping and then became delusional and didn’t want to do anything. It took exactly a year for me to recover very slowly. I had another in 2013 where I also was wailing and sobbing. My husband felt scared and acted kind of awkward and helpless and drove me to the hospital. Those were dark days. I’m now fending off the sadness and confusion by throwing anything at myself that will make me feel better and practicing self care and tomorrow go visit my mom. We always have fun together.
Just like caris says. Make yourself a priority.
I hope you take really good care of yourself.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 27, 2017 7:21:54 GMT -5
Mypaintbrushes, listen to what your body is telling you. Clinging to your marriage is breaking your heart. Change what you control: your way of living. Your marriage is killing you. You can choose to move on.
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