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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2017 11:54:39 GMT -5
Wow my score is higher than I expected - 12 to 13. I believe that´s the reason I´m still married. Isn´t easy to put and end to something you believed would be forever and we have a lot in commom... Sadly the love and passion are gone from my part. As northstarmom has already told me, now I need to decide if I leave or stay to coparenting. I would be lying if I say I´m not having some dark days thinking about that decision and I start to feel like I will never be completely happy, no matter which is my choice...
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 20, 2017 23:43:50 GMT -5
Trust is the big one for me. How can you trust a spouse that wont sleep with you.
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Post by Dan on Nov 21, 2017 10:18:13 GMT -5
Love. Trust. Fun. Empathy. Shared values. Security. Respect. Partnership. Understanding. Passion. Commitment. Inspiring. Mutual admiration. Mutual growth. Mutual attraction. Wanting to make the other happy. Compatible mindset. Sexual compatibility. A good list, but there are are two things not directly stated, that I would add: Common interests (intellectually, socially, spiritually). Interest in doing things together (activities in those common interests).
I feel that the vast majority of "things we have done together" over our thirty years is me agreeing to join in in stuff she likes/does. I see so many things I'm interested in now that she is actively dismissive of. And as time goes on, she seems to be getting more introverted/less interested in activities of any kind. Is she tired? Depressed? Just getting more boring? Our main shared pastime is watching a handful of TV shows that we both like. I have wanted our marriage to be so much more than that. I'm tired of wanting. It is just another "incompatibility" I now see since I've finally admitted "we're not sexually compatible, either". (The hope that someday she WOULD be more sexual kept me in denial of how mismatched we were in many departments.)
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 10:44:52 GMT -5
Since I'm feeling like the poster child for having an incompatible spouse...
My therapist has been suggesting that I find activities that my wife and I can do together. 90% of the things I want to do I know she wouldn't want to do before asking, and 90% of the things I think she might be interested in she rejects.
It is frustrating to spend hours finding fun things in NYC where there is tons of stuff to do only to be told, no, no, not this week, close but no.
I'm still trying.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 21, 2017 10:45:15 GMT -5
“ I feel that the vast majority of "things we have done together" over our thirty years is me agreeing to join in in stuff she likes/does. I see so many things I'm interested in now that she is actively dismissive of.” Important to realize that having and pursuing separate interests can add excitement to both of your lives , more than if you do everything together. When your lives completely overlap, you can run out of things to say. When each ventures into some activities on their own it can be exciting to discover new things about yourself and your partner.
It also can be exciting to do something together that’s completely new for both of you.
In relationships I’m which sex isn’t unrevivably dead, doing such things can rekindle the spark. In relationships with good sex, doing those things can lead to great sex (speaking from recent experience with Post sm partner.)
Vegging our nightly in front of the tv is a libido drainer.
One doesn’t need one’s partner’s permission to take a class, join a team, volunteer, etc.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 21, 2017 10:46:35 GMT -5
“ it is frustrating to spend hours finding fun things in NYC where there is tons of stuff to do only to be told, no, no, not this week, close but no.
I'm still trying.”
Why? Seems like you have lots of evidence that the 2 of you are not compatible in many ways.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 11:41:39 GMT -5
Because despite this depressing thread I still want to know I've given it my best shot. I still want to find a slender thread that could be the beginning of a turnaround, that could build something together. And I'd rather do things with someone than alone.
She isn't a bad person. But she sure is different.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 23, 2017 7:40:09 GMT -5
My therapist asked me to come up with a list of things I would look for in a relationship. So far I have (in no particular order): Love.
Trust.
Fun.
Empathy.
Shared values.
Security.
Respect.
Partnership.
Understanding.
Passion.
Commitment.
Inspiring (to make the other into a better person.)
Mutual admiration.
Mutual growth.
Mutual attraction
Wanting to make the other happy
Compatible mindset
Sexual compatibilityI imagine that this is pretty much what most people want. I shared an early version of this list with another person in an SM, and she said that her marriage had about half of these features. My score was maybe 1, maybe partially another 2, which is quite sobering - and scary. So, for those in SMs, what is your marriage score out of these 18? And what would you add? Mine would have been a 2 also. But I'm not there anymore. My new relationship? A perfect 18. No shitting on that.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 23, 2017 7:46:31 GMT -5
Funnily enough, my deal (which turned in to an ILIASM situation) would have ticked all the boxes at one point. I am unsure as to the order the boxes started getting "unticked". But what I DO know is that when the "trust" box got "unticked"' the rest of the boxes got "unticked" at pretty stunning speed. The "trust" box was what everything else hung off I think. When that fell away, the rest couldn't stand up by themselves. Once the trust went, the rest of it collapsed. I would say the same, but would put mutual loss of respect ahead of trust as a first cause of the un checking of boxes. The moment I became a sitcom husband in her eyes (and I think this actually happened before we tied the knot) my respect for her also tanked. No respect? No trust. No trust? The sand castle collapses under its own weight.
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Post by shamwow on Nov 23, 2017 7:50:41 GMT -5
Because despite this depressing thread I still want to know I've given it my best shot. I still want to find a slender thread that could be the beginning of a turnaround, that could build something together. And I'd rather do things with someone than alone. She isn't a bad person. But she sure is different. I can respect that. I would also put an internal time limit for how long you will attempt to keep doing the same things over and over getting the same result. Doing such things in perpetuity is the very definition of insanity.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 23, 2017 9:11:45 GMT -5
@shynjdude - can you ask her to come up with one thing for the 2 of you also? It’s valiant effort on your part, but being shot down so consistently would wear on me. Still try to find one thing yourself too - but I would ask her to also find one. Two heads are better than one type of approach. If you can’t even agree on an activity out (in NYC!) then it seems there’s not that much hope for agreeing on an “activity in” either.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2017 9:17:57 GMT -5
GeekGoddess She will never spend the time to do the research - that's always been my job. So I can't quite ask her to do that. She would happily go to Broadway shows, but the timing doesn't usually work out. I'm just keeping my eyes open more for things that would work for both of us. I have managed to find stuff in the past that we both liked. But it has not been easy.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 23, 2017 9:21:18 GMT -5
Ok on researching details but could she just name some “kinds” of things? Omg - you’re like trying to solve a riddle in absence of clues, from the sounds of it. Good luck with this quest. It would very much frustrate me to keep trying & being shot down. But maybe that’s why I’m divorced. Good luck, man.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2017 9:35:13 GMT -5
GeekGoddess Occasionally she has told me she wants to do something, and I've done it. A couple of years ago she wanted to see the Rockettes, which I had zero desire to see, but we went. (It was terrible LOL)
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 23, 2017 10:41:29 GMT -5
Because despite this depressing thread I still want to know I've given it my best shot. I still want to find a slender thread that could be the beginning of a turnaround, that could build something together. And I'd rather do things with someone than alone. She isn't a bad person. But she sure is different. I went through this with counselling. It was terrible and at the same time it confirmed things. It lead us to a (re-set) weekend full of hateful manipulative controlling words and actions. The final tipping point! Personally, not having sex but once a year for ten years was my my way of giving my W a get out of jail free card! More specifically- anything that i suggested was wrong in one way or another. Want to prove this for yourself? Think of something you did in the past that she suggested, made happen, started herself, or made all the plans for. Only you take control of it. What do you think is going to happen? Will that prove to you that the whole idea of the event is something she has done with you (or others) before, but when she is not in control it's not acceptable? "I'd rather do things with someone than alone". I get that, boy do I get that. Are you seeking approval, confirmation, acceptance, joy from giving to someone else and above all to feel desired? That's natural, that's why you're married! Are you going to be rejected again? (you already answered yes to that) This is when the turning points begin. You start to realize " I'd rather live in an empty house than with an empty spouse" A time of self restoration! Condemnation = the language of the past. Restoration = the language of the future! She isn't a bad person. See if this is helpful and applies to your situation (read it again a season from now) www.facebook.com/Shrink4Men/photos/a.182161483981.152087.138379663981/10156021029518982/?type=3&theater
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