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Post by M2G on Nov 11, 2017 10:59:04 GMT -5
Those are great strategies to focus on yourself and find some sort of contentment and happiness for your life. TY bballgirl - good advice. Been trying to find some time to digitize all my songs still on tape - she tells me it's a waste of my time. My artwork too - one night she got drunk and pulled down about 20 pieces, wadded them up and I found them in the morning. These were in a part of our house that she never went to. I asked her why and she just said "OMG the poor baby." Thanks for the trigger. WTF am I doing here?
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 11, 2017 11:07:22 GMT -5
“Well, the missing ring was either missed or ignored. Got the goodnight kiss though - would have had to turn away and that action would mirror what my NPD stepfather used to do when he wanted to shame someone - so I wasn't going there. Bypassed the "I love you" stuff though.” What are you trying to accomplish? If you are hoping the missing ring would wake your wife up to your marital problems that’s unlikely to work. From what you have posted she has disengaged from you. She reacts to you as if she doesn’t care about you. I suspect she’s either getting her ducks in a row to divorce or she is staying married because while she doesn’t love you, she loves marriage’s benefits. She might not care if you turned away when she kissed you. Might be a relief to her and provide a way for her to stop a ritual she regards as a charade. When I started turning my head when my refuser gave me the usual good bye kiss in the morning, he kissed me on the cheek. For years. It was a totally meaningless gesture that he stopped only after we agreed to divorce. Just to echo this. After the "wake up call", my W continued with her meaningless morning goodbye peck. I turned my head and got one on the cheek. That happened twice. Both times in front of the children. The whole ritual ended after that. It wasn't much longer when i realized her "good morning and goodnight talk was more of her ways of controlling things. I ended that "meaningless fake, ritual" as well. My ring was off for a long time before ever mentioned. One of the kids mentioned it. She has yet to ever say anything about it. That's expected from someone who has detached themselves for years. These rituals being eliminated make a strong statement of "it's over, you are no longer needed or welcome, put on your big girl panties and fend for yourself. Your manipulation is loosing it's stronghold more and more". Just be prepared for backlash. New and stronger manipulative control tactics. My W is all about the money, her FIL who lives with us, and the teens.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 11, 2017 11:08:37 GMT -5
“Been trying to find some time to digitize all my songs still on tape - she tells me it's a waste of my time. My artwork too - one night she got drunk and pulled down about 20 pieces, wadded them up and I found them in the morning. These were in a part of our house that she never went to. I asked her why and she just said "”
What beside cruelty and abuse do you get out of sharing your life with such a person? Do you have any supportive friends in real life or is she the main person who is close to you?
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 11, 2017 11:14:51 GMT -5
. I asked her why and she just said "OMG the poor baby." Thanks for the trigger. WTF am I doing here? Another DARVO. Deny and Avoid that she did anything wrong, by Reversing the whole situation making you the Offender and her the Victim of your childish antics. " How dare you be even the slightest upset that she violated your boundaries!!" Controllers hate taking responsibilities for their wrongs. They are never wrong. Get away and find someone else.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 11, 2017 11:31:20 GMT -5
My artwork too - one night she got drunk and pulled down about 20 pieces, wadded them up and I found them in the morning. These were in a part of our house that she never went to. Dude, some outside perspective here... she is being nasty and hurtful and spiteful. This is shit you don't do even in the heat of a fight. Leave.
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Post by M2G on Nov 11, 2017 11:46:21 GMT -5
“Been trying to find some time to digitize all my songs still on tape - she tells me it's a waste of my time. My artwork too - one night she got drunk and pulled down about 20 pieces, wadded them up and I found them in the morning. These were in a part of our house that she never went to. I asked her why and she just said "” What beside cruelty and abuse do you get out of sharing your life with such a person? Do you have any supportive friends in real life or is she the main person who is close to you? I honestly don't know anymore. We dusted off all of our friends & family years ago, on both sides. Closest people I can call friends are co-workers, and the good people on this forum. Changed my avatar again - no more sad guy; new one I call Aten, ancient Egyptian god of the angry sun. Until you guys sounded off on this, I though I was just being over sensitive. ..a million times thank you all.
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Post by bballgirl on Nov 11, 2017 12:04:56 GMT -5
Those are great strategies to focus on yourself and find some sort of contentment and happiness for your life. TY bballgirl - good advice. Been trying to find some time to digitize all my songs still on tape - she tells me it's a waste of my time. My artwork too - one night she got drunk and pulled down about 20 pieces, wadded them up and I found them in the morning. These were in a part of our house that she never went to. I asked her why and she just said "OMG the poor baby." Thanks for the trigger. WTF am I doing here? She sounds like a monster. If you can get a key and lock so she can not access things that you care about then I would, or rent a storage space. At the end of my divorce I used my work space at my job to keep things that I didn't want to lose. Again, your strategies are all good to work towards focusing on yourself and detaching from her.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 11, 2017 12:36:21 GMT -5
TY bballgirl - good advice. Been trying to find some time to digitize all my songs still on tape - she tells me it's a waste of my time. My artwork too - one night she got drunk and pulled down about 20 pieces, wadded them up and I found them in the morning. These were in a part of our house that she never went to. I asked her why and she just said "OMG the poor baby." Thanks for the trigger. WTF am I doing here? She sounds like a monster. If you can get a key and lock so she can not access things that you care about then I would, or rent a storage space. At the end of my divorce I used my work space at my job to keep things that I didn't want to lose. Again, your strategies are all good to work towards focusing on yourself and detaching from her. Very much a monster. Security cameras might be a good idea. I doubt it would resonate well for her with the judge to see her wantonly destroying your work.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 11, 2017 13:12:19 GMT -5
“We dusted off all of our friends & family years ago, on both sides. Closest people I can call friends are co-workers, and the good people on this forum.”
Meet ups are a great way to make friends. I’ve gone to many and have always been welcomed. After all, people go to them because they want new friends.
Find or create some that interest you. Do not tell your wife or ask her permission. Everything you have posted about her indicates she’d say or do something to discourage you or run off new friends.
You are a grown man. You do not need her permission or help to do things on your own. Take charge of your own life and happiness.
My building my own friendships was part of the foundation that led to my being able to divorce my refuser. My friends’ kindness to and appreciation of me let me realize I would be happier single than remaining alone in my marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 11, 2017 13:14:02 GMT -5
Mmm..as a fellow artist this might apply or may not.
my W tried to make my artwork highly valuable and my skills as a painter highly valuable as well, when it came to the divorce. reality is that marketing art work costs money. The saying "starving artist" has a lot of truth to it. Yes , some of my paintings have won top state awards, but that doesn't mean the other hundred will sell for thousands. The reality is the cost of the used material= their value. Like buying used canvases frames, and mats at a thrift store.
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Post by Caris on Nov 11, 2017 13:26:05 GMT -5
Good for you. These are good boundaries to keep, but don’t be surprised if the relationship gets worse. Once I put boundaries in place, after 20-years, he became insensed that I wouldn’t hold his hand anymore, or sleep in the same room. I stopped sending anniversary cards (he continued) because I was tired of the pretense. It seems it’s okay for them to refuse our needs and desires for years/decades, but if we refuse them, then that’s not acceptable, and it all goes downhill very fast.
What’s surprising is how fair we want to be with them, caring about their post divorce situation, like a credit score, yet they are more than unfair to us for years, they are downright cruel, and here we go, still thinking of their wellbeing.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 11, 2017 13:28:52 GMT -5
TY bballgirl - good advice. Been trying to find some time to digitize all my songs still on tape - she tells me it's a waste of my time. My artwork too - one night she got drunk and pulled down about 20 pieces, wadded them up and I found them in the morning. These were in a part of our house that she never went to. I asked her why and she just said "OMG the poor baby." Thanks for the trigger. WTF am I doing here? She sounds like a monster. If you can get a key and lock so she can not access things that you care about then I would, or rent a storage space. At the end of my divorce I used my work space at my job to keep things that I didn't want to lose. Again, your strategies are all good to work towards focusing on yourself and detaching from her. Not sure what really happens when things-photos,art, clothing,furniture,money, etc..- starts to disappear when you are under court orders-once the divorce begins- just sayin'.... Another reason to document things. It's a hassle, but it is temporary.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 11, 2017 13:35:37 GMT -5
caris said, “What’s surprising is how fair we want to be with them, caring about their post divorce situation, like a credit score, yet they are more than unfair to us for years, they are downright cruel, and here we go, still ...”
Very true! I was worried about my husband’s post divorce welfare even though when I initiated divorce proceedings, I learned my refuser was supporting a toddler in a Manila that he thought he’d fathered (something I knew was impossible and dna testing proved I was right).
My friends and therapists helped me stop focusing on taking care of his needs. Instead, with their help, I started looking out for my welfare. Consequently, the divorce settlement was fair for both of us, not just him.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 11, 2017 14:57:33 GMT -5
Not sure what really happens when things-photos,art, clothing,furniture,money, etc..- starts to disappear when you are under court orders-once the divorce begins- just sayin'.... Another reason to document things. It's a hassle, but it is temporary. "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." M2G, cameras would be interesting, but better to secure anything you value out of her reach - computers and cellphones being great examples. She absolutely sounds like the type of person that would be vindictive, and it's far better to not give her the opportunity. There was a case on EP where the wife stole the husband's laptop, on the premise of looking for evidence of him cheating. Technically it was an asset of their jointly-owned business, so not theft, but it severely crippled his ability to earn income.
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Post by tirefire on Nov 11, 2017 18:05:09 GMT -5
northstarmom "I suspect she’s either getting her ducks in a row to divorce or she is staying married because while she doesn’t love you, she loves marriage’s benefits." I read this as "getting her dicks in a row". It was more humourous that way.
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