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Post by ironhamster on Nov 9, 2017 8:23:31 GMT -5
“The younger generation is getting worse. The alpha male is an endangered species.” Alpha man? A man who is never vulnerable, has to be in charge all of the time, brags that his dick is biggest? I’ll pass. LOL. I think the real alpha males are confident enough that they don't feel the need to compensate for anything. There is a big difference between confidence and cockiness, but I don't see much of either in the young men I see. I liked Robert Heinlein's view of men. "A man should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, pilot a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 9, 2017 9:27:27 GMT -5
Hahahahahaha!! Oh...you were serious? No. No sex. He did hold my hand tonight. Big move. Ha! Actually I was! I was cutting to the point I guess I can totally understand why you're not on board then. If you're anything like me, friend - and I suspect you might be - that trope is tiring. Don't be nice - act like you want me. I appreciate nice, I am not turned on by nice. Romantic men (to me) are full of shit. I prefer a man to be a man. I just want to be a woman that takes care of my man - because he wants it all the time. I have had tons of ideas on what I thought this would be like as opposed to what I got. One vivid idea I envisioned in particular - being on my period, looking at myself in the mirror while rinsing my mouth out with mouthwash after giving future husband a blow job. I would spit and smile at myself in the mirror. I sincerely thought that was an obvious duty if I didn't feel like it because I was crampy - I always figured I would take care of my man. I remember being as young as 22 and kind of day-dreaming that this is what married life might be like. It was a happy thought. Fucking Wasted. I think I speak for a lot of the men here that want it all the time, just be prepared that if you don't fully empty "them", that while your looking down in the sink that I will sneak a dark colored towel back to the bedroom or will toss you in the shower.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 9, 2017 9:29:15 GMT -5
Yes, JMX I feel similarly. Where are the men not intimidated by strong, sexual women?! (Although I do think there are a bunch in this board actually!) ✋ here! Just so I get a little heads up, are we talking whips and rope or a healthy appetite?
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 9, 2017 9:47:08 GMT -5
“Romantic men (to me) are full of shit. I” ?? What’s your idea of a romantic man? I’m with a romantic man. My refuser was not a romantic man. My post sm guy tells me he loves me, compliments my body, takes pleasure in touching me. He can quote beautiful literature. He’s sexually assertive while also enjoying my high libido. What’s not to enjoy? Yep. Everyone has a different idea of romance, but the compliments, telling me how happy he is with me... romance. Offering to pick me up from the station when I had a dodgy ankle (he called this 'basic boyfriend', but it was a world away from what I had before), shining the light from his phone onto dark steps I had to navigate, telling he'll support me in dealing with my ex - all romantic. Even the way he interacts with my son and doesn't try to take over my parenting, but steps in when I need help. And sexually assertive, too. I'm not a hallmark card kinda girl, I don't like splashy cash stuff, I like a frugal man, but all the little things he does for me and the love he shows me - all romance. Romance is about kindling and re-kindling love, blowing on the sparks, keeping the fire alive. It can be a lot of different things, but I love my romantic boyfriend.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 9:56:38 GMT -5
My personal experience was that when I became comfortable with being a woman with a strong libido who deserved to have sex, then I attracted a man who appreciated those qualities. But to become that confident in myself, I had to let go of my refuser husband who didn’t value the qualities (which included qualities in addition to my libido) that most make me me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 9, 2017 10:04:42 GMT -5
“The younger generation is getting worse. The alpha male is an endangered species.” Alpha man? A man who is never vulnerable, has to be in charge all of the time, brags that his dick is biggest? I’ll pass. LOL. I think the real alpha males are confident enough that they don't feel the need to compensate for anything. There is a big difference between confidence and cockiness, but I don't see much of either in the young men I see. I liked Robert Heinlein's view of men. "A man should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, pilot a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." Just don't hold a dead fish!
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 10:17:01 GMT -5
Lol about not holding a dead fish. You know my type well. I’d also pass on the hog butcher.
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Post by M2G on Nov 9, 2017 16:25:19 GMT -5
Hmmm - A-L-P-H-A-M-A-L-E - that's a funny way to spell asshole?
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Post by Caris on Nov 9, 2017 19:35:33 GMT -5
northstarmom said: “. If you can go for 3 years without touching it, that pet just doesn't mean that much to you.“ This really hits Home hard. I can’t imagine having a pet, and not touching it for 3-years. How cruel is that, and yet, we go years and even decades without being touched. Imagine having a dog who lives for 20-years, and It’s never touched or petted. No affection or play. My God, it’s life would be utter misery. It would be yearning for touch and affection, just like we do, and yet, we go that long. Ugh! No, after some time, we turn ourselves off. Our spouse becomes more brother or sister-like, so it’s reasonable, and no surprise that you feel this way, @ jenm. He’s past his sell by date in your affections, but more than that, he’s being insincere in my book, and I think you know this, and that’s why you are not “all in.” He’s not all-in. He’s just pretending, and there is still no sex. He’s playing you.
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Post by JMX on Nov 9, 2017 20:14:31 GMT -5
“Romantic men (to me) are full of shit. I” ?? What’s your idea of a romantic man? I’m with a romantic man. My refuser was not a romantic man. My post sm guy tells me he loves me, compliments my body, takes pleasure in touching me. He can quote beautiful literature. He’s sexually assertive while also enjoying my high libido. What’s not to enjoy? Hmm... maybe like Janet Jackson said? You sent me some roses But roses do die You gave me some candy It melted - nice try Granted, she was talking about preferring diamonds (and I don't really like those) but I don't like the pomp and circumstance of some of the less-creative things. Your man sounds lovely!
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 9, 2017 20:39:09 GMT -5
JMX, I'm with you in that I'm not into getting a lot of material things. Those don't mean love to me. Passionate love making, sincere compliments, his eyes lighting up when he sees me, holding hands and kissing while in a romantic place, those are what I enjoy. I hope you make the space for those in your life. They are what you deserve.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 9, 2017 21:09:54 GMT -5
It is quite common for you to feel the way you do Jenm. The many years of neglect bestowed upon you from your refuser has probably turned you off him for good. His apparant turnaround is probably for selfish reasons. You have indicated that you are thinking about Divorce. This would blow up his cosy little world as he knows it where he has a wife, a cook, maid, house, social status, and all the other little comforts marriage provides him with.
I'm guessing at some point maybe not now you will likely choose to end your marriage to him, but at a time of your choosing.
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Post by tirefire on Nov 9, 2017 21:22:09 GMT -5
I'm in this exact place right now. Trying to grapple with my lack of desire for wife while feeling a strong desire for sex, romance, etc. Makes me feel like shit, regardless.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 10, 2017 1:02:56 GMT -5
I'm in this exact place right now. Trying to grapple with my lack of desire for wife while feeling a strong desire for sex, romance, etc. Makes me feel like shit, regardless. This seems to be a normal response, to stop wanting our refusing partner. Our refusers seem to think they can play the same game forever and never let us win. Eventually, even subconsciously, we figure that out, and when we do the game is not worth playing, so we quit, also. That does not mean we do not want to play at all. We might just take our game elsewhere.
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Post by james on Nov 10, 2017 3:52:41 GMT -5
Dear jenm, I feel your pain. But this post says it all, it really does:
Hahahahahaha!!
Oh...you were serious?
No. No sex.
He did hold my hand tonight. Big move.
There is a lot of bitterness in this reponse. Way more than a bit of hand-holding etc is capable of overcoming.
Anyway the thing that you want in no way appears to form a part of his new approach. So why should you be pleased?
Honestly, what on earth are you beating yourself up about?
Hugs, James
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