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Post by shamwow on Dec 14, 2017 21:10:43 GMT -5
It´s been a while since I posted this thread, but I just need to share what is happening now... My therapist said that I should go to couple therapy with H. Not to work on our relashionship, but to help me to make him see what this SM is doing to me... I think I have told him everything that is bothering me, but I don´t think he realized how bad it is. So I decided to have an appointment with the couple therapist alone cause I had lots of things about the marriage that I wanted to discuss in particular before I could take him with me. But then she started to explain how she use to work with the couples, giving them some "homework" to do, including dates together without the children around... and I freaked out. I told her that that wouldn´t happen, that I don´t feel like having some inimacy with him now but she smiled and said I should do it... Now besides depressed I´m confused. Is this how couple therapy works?? To force you to do something you don´t want to? If I can ask, what is your goal in couples counseling. Especially since it's not to work on the relationship and he isn't there.
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Post by Caris on Dec 15, 2017 2:44:14 GMT -5
I’m asking the same question as shamwow, what is the goal of couple’s therapy? If it’s to make your husband understand how much his rejection has hurt you, then what’s the upshot of achieving this, if it can be achieved? Will his understanding make him want to have sex with you? You’ve already said, you no longer want sex with him, so in the end what is the point of couple’s therapy?
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Post by Dan on Dec 15, 2017 9:16:43 GMT -5
It´s been a while since I posted this thread, but I just need to share what is happening now... My therapist said that I should go to couple therapy with H. Not to work on our relashionship, but to help me to make him see what this SM is doing to me... I think I have told him everything that is bothering me, but I don´t think he realized how bad it is. ... Now besides depressed I´m confused. Is this how couple therapy works?? To force you to do something you don´t want to? I am just reading this thread (including the OP) for the first time... my advice was going to be: a) Get in to individual therapy ASAP, and work, work, work on your feelings. Figure out what you want. What you are mad about. What you can let go... and what you can't. b) Consider couples therapy. Maybe not to "fix"... but to "explain". Start from there. So glad to see you took my advice even before I gave it! The quick answer to your specific question is "no, this is not how couples therapy works"... meaning "while it is one way, this is not the ONLY way to do couples therapy." In my view, from what you are saying, the "intimate homework and vigorous date night" approach is premature. There is nothing wrong with those steps.... IF it is time for them; IF it will likely lead to more closeness. The problem is NOT with the steps. IMO, the problem is with the therapist who is assigning/suggesting/prescribing them when it is premature; it tells me she is not listening to you. Sounds like she is assuming "oh, they're in couples therapy... that means they want to work on fixing things. I've got one trick in my bag; let's try that without any critical analysis." Truth is: I don't think you are there. I think she needs to spend more time listening, and WAIT for the right time. Sounds to me like she needs to build up some cred with you before you are willing to try the medicine she is suggesting, because at this time it sounds to you like a) the medicine will taste awful, and b) it is unlikely to work. I think it is OK for you to push back: "I'm not ready to try that." Or: "I'm not willing to try that until I've had more time to discuss -- with my H and with the therapist alone -- where I think we are, how I think we got here, and how much it has hurt and continues to hurt me." If this is NOT heard/understood by the therapist, time to look for someone who will.
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Post by baza on Dec 15, 2017 18:55:35 GMT -5
For couples/joint therapy to have any impact whatsoever, it requires two highly motivated and well prepared individuals to attend, bringing with them a strong work ethic and an open mind.
In other words, you (and he) have to get your own individual shit sorted out so you are bringing two functional people to the table.
One (1) is not enough. If you can only muster up one (1) fully committed person (presumably you) for proposed couple/joint therapy, then save your money and don't bother. Spend it on individual therapy.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 11:55:33 GMT -5
Thank you DryCreek . I was getting really terrified about that "homework" thinking it could be some kind of pattern for couples terapy...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 12:13:40 GMT -5
shamwow Caris My therapist said it would be a good step for me (for us) the couples therapy by making him notice the problems in our marriage. He believes my H needs a intermediator since he don´t seems to really understand them when the words come from me... and maybe help to lead us to divorce. I decided to have the first appointment alone only to know how the therapist works (I´m glad I did it), and to tell her some things in advance that I couldn´t say in his face, like my suspicion that he might be gay. I know some will say that isn´t important, but it is to me since I know a gay couple whose one of them were married with children and a happy normal life till he find his true love. He then abandoned his family to be with his new boyfriend. I know, it´s drama, but sooner I know about it, sooner I can work on my happiness, as him too. I don´t think he is really happy living this fake wedding.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 12:20:13 GMT -5
It´s been a while since I posted this thread, but I just need to share what is happening now... My therapist said that I should go to couple therapy with H. Not to work on our relashionship, but to help me to make him see what this SM is doing to me... I think I have told him everything that is bothering me, but I don´t think he realized how bad it is. ... Now besides depressed I´m confused. Is this how couple therapy works?? To force you to do something you don´t want to? I am just reading this thread (including the OP) for the first time... my advice was going to be: a) Get in to individual therapy ASAP, and work, work, work on your feelings. Figure out what you want. What you are mad about. What you can let go... and what you can't. b) Consider couples therapy. Maybe not to "fix"... but to "explain". Start from there. So glad to see you took my advice even before I gave it! The quick answer to your specific question is "no, this is not how couples therapy works"... meaning "while it is one way, this is not the ONLY way to do couples therapy." In my view, from what you are saying, the "intimate homework and vigorous date night" approach is premature. There is nothing wrong with those steps.... IF it is time for them; IF it will likely lead to more closeness. The problem is NOT with the steps. IMO, the problem is with the therapist who is assigning/suggesting/prescribing them when it is premature; it tells me she is not listening to you. Sounds like she is assuming "oh, they're in couples therapy... that means they want to work on fixing things. I've got one trick in my bag; let's try that without any critical analysis." Truth is: I don't think you are there. I think she needs to spend more time listening, and WAIT for the right time. Sounds to me like she needs to build up some cred with you before you are willing to try the medicine she is suggesting, because at this time it sounds to you like a) the medicine will taste awful, and b) it is unlikely to work. I think it is OK for you to push back: "I'm not ready to try that." Or: "I'm not willing to try that until I've had more time to discuss -- with my H and with the therapist alone -- where I think we are, how I think we got here, and how much it has hurt and continues to hurt me." If this is NOT heard/understood by the therapist, time to look for someone who will. Thank you Dan !!! I´m glad you understand the couples therapy not only to fix, but to explain... this is the kind of therapy I´m looking for now as a couple and I think it is important to me to look for someone who will know how to lead that talk without fixing attempts. Maybe we can work that in the future, but not now. I´m hurt, depressed, and became a counter refuser... and if the therapist can´t see all those things even when I tell her, I need to look for someone else.
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Post by Caris on Dec 19, 2017 14:35:37 GMT -5
shamwow Caris My therapist said it would be a good step for me (for us) the couples therapy by making him notice the problems in our marriage. He believes my H needs a intermediator since he don´t seems to really understand them when the words come from me... and maybe help to lead us to divorce. I decided to have the first appointment alone only to know how the therapist works (I´m glad I did it), and to tell her some things in advance that I couldn´t say in his face, like my suspicion that he might be gay. I know some will say that isn´t important, but it is to me since I know a gay couple whose one of them were married with children and a happy normal life till he find his true love. He then abandoned his family to be with his new boyfriend. I know, it´s drama, but sooner I know about it, sooner I can work on my happiness, as him too. I don´t think he is really happy living this fake wedding. It’s very important, if you are a straight woman and thought you were marrying a straight man who turned out to be gay. Why would anyone think that’s not important? I imagine it’s devastating if it turns out to be true. It means you are betrayed in more ways than one. It’s NOT drama, and I don’t know who is putting these ideas into your head. Your life, your happiness, your marriage is very important to your health and mental wellbeing. Searching for facts and truth, so that you can make an informed decision is Not drama, its being wise. I get the sense that you are not confident in your own values and beliefs, and perhaps therapy can help you get a sense of your authentic self. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but it’s the impression I’m getting from your deference to the views of others.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2017 15:13:41 GMT -5
“I know some will say that isn´t important, but it is to me since I”
I can’t imagine any normal sane person thinking that it shouldn’t matter if a normal hetero unknowingly married a gay person. I know 2 people who did that. Both divorced after finally learning their husbands were gay. That would be a normal response.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2017 9:13:13 GMT -5
shamwow Caris My therapist said it would be a good step for me (for us) the couples therapy by making him notice the problems in our marriage. He believes my H needs a intermediator since he don´t seems to really understand them when the words come from me... and maybe help to lead us to divorce. I decided to have the first appointment alone only to know how the therapist works (I´m glad I did it), and to tell her some things in advance that I couldn´t say in his face, like my suspicion that he might be gay. I know some will say that isn´t important, but it is to me since I know a gay couple whose one of them were married with children and a happy normal life till he find his true love. He then abandoned his family to be with his new boyfriend. I know, it´s drama, but sooner I know about it, sooner I can work on my happiness, as him too. I don´t think he is really happy living this fake wedding. It’s very important, if you are a straight woman and thought you were marrying a straight man who turned out to be gay. Why would anyone think that’s not important? I imagine it’s devastating if it turns out to be true. It means you are betrayed in more ways than one. It’s NOT drama, and I don’t know who is putting these ideas into your head. Your life, your happiness, your marriage is very important to your health and mental wellbeing. Searching for facts and truth, so that you can make an informed decision is Not drama, its being wise. I get the sense that you are not confident in your own values and beliefs, and perhaps therapy can help you get a sense of your authentic self. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but it’s the impression I’m getting from your deference to the views of others. You are right CarisI have been questioning a lot of things I have done in my life and I feel I’m losing my confidence based on things I judge I could have done different. I know it is a waste of time cause no one can change the past, but it definitely makes me less confident to make new choices to my future. I will work on it with my therapist. Thank you
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Post by brian on Dec 22, 2017 6:39:01 GMT -5
It’s very important, if you are a straight woman and thought you were marrying a straight man who turned out to be gay. Why would anyone think that’s not important? I imagine it’s devastating if it turns out to be true. It means you are betrayed in more ways than one. It’s NOT drama, and I don’t know who is putting these ideas into your head. Your life, your happiness, your marriage is very important to your health and mental wellbeing. Searching for facts and truth, so that you can make an informed decision is Not drama, its being wise. I get the sense that you are not confident in your own values and beliefs, and perhaps therapy can help you get a sense of your authentic self. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but it’s the impression I’m getting from your deference to the views of others. You are right Caris I have been questioning a lot of things I have done in my life and I feel I’m losing my confidence based on things I judge I could have done different. I know it is a waste of time cause no one can change the past, but it definitely makes me less confident to make new choices to my future. I will work on it with my therapist. Thank you Don't lose your confidence, but thinking about your past choices is healthy and normal. We have to reflect on our choices, right and wrong, in order to learn. Just don't dwell on it and don't beat yourself up about it... just use it to learn and get better. That's all any of us can do.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 22, 2017 12:21:40 GMT -5
My h and I have been having date nights. Every Sunday for the last few months. Really these are therapy wothout the therapist as he has refused therapy. Last night was incredibly intense. Both of us crying, getting to some core issues. We hugged at the end. First hug in over a year. Then we got home and he wanted to sleep in my bed which he has not slept in for over a year. Not for sex- just to sleep. I said no. I feel like a refuser but I am just not taking crumbs of intimacy. The instinct to counter refuse after so much rejection is tricky as hell! It's not "counter-refusal". It's just that you are averse to intimacy with your spouse for reasons. Same as your spouse. I would offer that in therapy, you can get to all those "core issues" and become less painful to each other, maybe even grow to respect and understand each other again, or for the first time. But that STILL doesn't mean that desire for the other spouse will enter your relationship.
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