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Post by brian on Nov 3, 2017 14:33:59 GMT -5
In my case, by me no longer requesting sex, my wife has become closer. When I would ask and she would say no, we were on edge. Now that I am in sexless marriage acceptance mode, we kiss, snuggle and are close. I love that. The marriage overall has improved a lot. I have changed my expectations and since sex is no longer expected she feels she can allow herself to get close. If my libido crashed, I'd call it a perfect marriage. But, with my libido high, its tough. But, I'd rather have zero sex and be "close" than sex 4 to 6 times a year and be distant. I can survive without sex, I have to have some level of intimacy. This is the part that baffles me about outsourcing. Everyone wins! You get closeness, she gets a relaxed, low pressure marriage. Other than the possessiveness angle, which one could argue that no one can own another, i fail to see anything to have an issue about. ^^^^^^This took me many years to come to grips with intellectually
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peiguy
Junior Member
Posts: 26
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by peiguy on Nov 3, 2017 14:39:27 GMT -5
And that is where some kind of open marriage or monogamish arrangement might work. A spouse with zero libido agrees that the other spouse may outsource, with specific rules. Outsourcing by agreement.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2017 17:09:21 GMT -5
peiguy, my experience parallels yours... life is very pleasant between us when there is no sex (and I hide my frustration). But it only lasts until sex re-enters the picture. She does it out of obligation; I can't counter-refuse. But she clearly hates doing it and that sucks the joy out of the experience; she feels violated / objectified / whatever; and I get pissed all over again at the dysfunction. It's a crappy cycle. I refuse to turn it off. She refuses to turn it on. She can't admit there's an issue. I can't admit that it's hopeless. The cycle continues. For me, outsourcing is simply not an option. I don't compartmentalize like that. I want an intimate, emotionally bonding relationship with the woman I'm having sex with. I want lazy weekends in bed, sex on vacation, shared memories, and inside jokes. I want pictures of us happy together. I can't get that part-time.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2017 17:38:04 GMT -5
"Who would want to reduce their sex drive?"
The inevitable consequence of the waiting game is the natural reduction of the libido. Sufficient waiting will eventually yield equally low libidos. I can't wait for that moment of compatibility and fulfillment to strike.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 3, 2017 22:34:41 GMT -5
"Who would want to reduce their sex drive?" The inevitable consequence of the waiting game is the natural reduction of the libido. Sufficient waiting will eventually yield equally low libidos. I can't wait for that moment of compatibility and fulfillment to strike. Your waiting for something that will never happen while you are mentally healthy.
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Post by workingonit on Nov 4, 2017 18:24:36 GMT -5
Ultimately I think reducing my sex drive would only work if I were getting intimacy. If I had the touching, the kissing, the hugging, the eye contact, the intimate looks I could probably go without sex. Like if this were medical that he could not be with me. I would hope even if it were medical he would get creative. Like if I could not have vaginal sex for a medical issue I would hope I would put my mouth and hands to good use. And there is no medical reason for lack of intimacy.
So, no, I would not even reduce my sex drive. I feel like I do everything in my power to keep it alive despite all its neglect.
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Post by M2G on Nov 5, 2017 6:22:22 GMT -5
Ultimately I think reducing my sex drive would only work if I were getting intimacy. If I had the touching, the kissing, the hugging, the eye contact, the intimate looks I could probably go without sex. Like if this were medical that he could not be with me. I would hope even if it were medical he would get creative. Like if I could not have vaginal sex for a medical issue I would hope I would put my mouth and hands to good use. And there is no medical reason for lack of intimacy. So, no, I would not even reduce my sex drive. I feel like I do everything in my power to keep it alive despite all its neglect. Touching - such a small word for such a huge thing. My wife avoids touching me (except to poke me if I fall asleep on the couch) and breaks contact as quickly as possible (thankfully without flinching) if I touch her. I mentioned early in this thread that I wouldn't think of changing anything - but now I wish I could set aside my need for touching.
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