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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 13, 2017 10:25:51 GMT -5
Due to my W. continuing holding ,hiding, hording of finances, I've decided to go for full custody of our remaining 4 out of 6 children (all teenagers). I had initially decided on one week on one week off for our parenting plan. Holidays required communication and agreement, -something that has been non existent for years- I talked to the kids about "just how important is it to you?" they really aren't all that interested in it having to be on that exact day, and being split up and shuffled around.
So , instead I am more interested-and willing- to have the teens with me for two weeks, and one week with their mother. For some reason my attorney seems to have been taught that weeks should be split in half?
Here's my attorney's latest proposal:
Mon. Tues. Wed. Thur. Fri. Sat. Sun.
Week 1. Dad Dad Dad Mom Mom Mom Dad
week 2 . Dad Dad Mom Dad Dad Dad Dad
week 3. Dad Dad Dad Mom Mom Mom Dad
week 4. Dad Dad Mom Dad Dad Dad Dad
Wed with mom would be for dinner. For a few years the family did Wed. night church dinners. Now we go to separate churches, and my W hardly goes with the teens. Only one or two of them go anymore.
School days when the kids would be with me or their mom, are rather easy. They drive or ride the bus. they are gone from 7;00 am till 4;30 pm, then there is homework, sports, and work. Two of them are driving. The third will be driving in 12 more months.
I think about my weekends and having some time to travel (a little) date, and have longer free weekends. my teens do work weekends and like to stay at friends houses.
my question is, do I agree to this or ask to change it, and what would be a fair compromise?
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 13, 2017 14:19:11 GMT -5
That doesn't look too bad to me.
You have the kids the majority of the time which will be nice for them.
The key thing to think about is the shuffling back and forth for the kids, packing back up to go to their mom but the plan looks fine.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 13, 2017 14:24:31 GMT -5
You don't have to split the weeks, I would suggest full weeks, with the change off happening on Fridays.
That way they done have to pack and move between houses as much.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 13, 2017 15:35:12 GMT -5
I'm hoping packing won't be an issue. The kids will have enough of a supply of clothes, and toiletries at each house. School work should be the only thing they need to take back and forth.
For me, (and my teens) it's remembering and planning around such a schedule. Fortunately two of them are driving.
I think it's the never having a full weekend (Fri. evening all day Sat. and Sun.) to myself that bothers me.
I do dream of meeting ,and dating other women and being at their place ,or having them at mine, without teens around, even though they will be busy with work,friends, and activities. I've had 19 yrs of being here for the children. The sound of a weekend to myself to go where I want with whomever I want was sounding pretty good. I'll postpone that for the teens and work around it. I'm just not sure if I need to do that or not?
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 13, 2017 16:04:12 GMT -5
I have also read that two weeks at a time with one of the parents, is too long. Meaning enough time to highly influence the kids. If things where reversed I would be using this as my stand against my STBX having the kids for two weeks at a time ,or longer.
I know there are stories of families being apart for years and coming back together, kids re-uniting with their parents.
But I still desire a free weekend.
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Post by DryCreek on Oct 13, 2017 21:08:41 GMT -5
greatcoastal, maybe I don't know what "full custody" means, but this seems more like a split to me instead of full custody with visitation. Yes, she should probably get them a couple weekends a month, for her benefit and for yours. And all the kids at the same time. One of the benefits of divorce is getting those weekends 100% off for your own downtime, to have some personal life, and to have hopes for resuming a social / romantic life.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 31, 2017 21:09:22 GMT -5
I would think a small amount of change, for one weekend per month at Mom's would give you greater flexibility. You deserve a FULL weekend here and there!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 31, 2017 21:30:59 GMT -5
I would think a small amount of change, for one weekend per month at Mom's would give you greater flexibility. You deserve a FULL weekend here and there! I spoke with my attorney about this. my attorney told me the Sun. with dad would be the exchange night. Around 9:00pm. That didn't sound "too bad". Then I wondered," how early will I have to be at the house and ready?" I asked to have it bumped back a day ,so I could have a full weekend. Thar was accomplished . Now it's the wait and see game until everything is "final". Hmm...then there is the "wait and see" how well my ex complies to court orders. So far she is proving that " laws don't apply to her, things will be done her way". Hopefully the judge sees that and puts an end to it. I am feeling happier about the possibility of more parenting/time with the teens, and them feeling better about more time at what will be "my house". There is a lot riding on the hope of a heavy burden being gone after the divorce, and a time of finding my self and self happiness again. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 1, 2017 7:53:16 GMT -5
Do you both live in the same school zones? Could the kids ride the bus Friday morning to school and Friday afternoon to her's? And then the reverse on Mondays? With one of you driving over to pick up the extra stuff that the kids want for the weekend?
I know of a few parents that did that when I was in highschool, but the busing area for the highschool was 1/3 of the county to there was a large area where you could choose to live.
If you each have a small lockable shed/deck box, then you wouldn't even have to see or interact with each other when picking up the stuff.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 1, 2017 8:47:57 GMT -5
Do you both live in the same school zones? Could the kids ride the bus Friday morning to school and Friday afternoon to her's? And then the reverse on Mondays? With one of you driving over to pick up the extra stuff that the kids want for the weekend? I know of a few parents that did that when I was in highschool, but the busing area for the highschool was 1/3 of the county to there was a large area where you could choose to live. If you each have a small lockable shed/deck box, then you wouldn't even have to see or interact with each other when picking up the stuff. I was going to say, "not to go to deep into it", then I realized "this is my thread....maybe others will-and have- experienced the same things?" So lets go deeper. Just finding out who is going to keep the house, how much money remains for buying another house, who the kids (adult teens) stay with, prices and values of houses in different school zones, free transportation, v's driving them myself, siblings with cars to help with transportation, all that is going to fall into place....eventually. All reasons people stay married. I feel I did a bold thing by going into the unknown and starting over, striving to improve things for everyone. Recently our school zone is becoming a political battle. We live close to 3 different school zones. The H.S. my teens go to is 90% or more full, while the other schools are 70% full. Our school has a much higher rating. How much more difficult does that make it for me/us when it's time to sell and buy a smaller house? One side of town is pointing the finger at the other side of town " saying move them not us". Meanwhile I'm looking to move to one or the other side of town! It's changing my whole plan! I know parents who live outside school districts but drive their kids to school everyday. It sucks, but they make it work. That may end up being my choice to. It will affect a job choice too. Not the end of the world. Concerns, not worries, many times these things have a way of working themselves out. My teens may not get picked up or dropped off by either of us. half of them are driving now. The more time they spend with one parent the less things have to be transported. I do want to strive for having enough of a supply at each house that school work will be the only thing that needs moving. I like the storage shed idea. For us, we live in a gated community with a guard, for now- the house will most likely be sold- a few of the neighbors exchange their kids at the guard house, and don't have to communicate with each other. |
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Post by shamwow on Nov 6, 2017 17:27:07 GMT -5
Everything is a trade off. If you get the kids more you get to have more influence with them. It also means you have less time to rebuild your life. What I'm curious about is your 5th week. I don't see that addressed anywhere. In most arrangements like you have it's something like this (assuming in your case dad with primary custody): M T W T F S S Week 1: D D D M D M M Week 2: D D D M D D D Week 3: D D D M D M M Week 4: D D D M D D D Week 5: D D D M D M M With Thursday where one parent has the children for dinner on Thursday. In my divorce decree, we have this: M T W T F S S Week 1: M M M D D D D Week 2: M M M D M M M Week 3: M M M D D D D Week 4: M M M D M M M Week 5: M M M D D D D In my case, I get the kids 1st 3rd 5th weekends of the month. I get them every Thursday night and on "my" weeks I basically get them from Thursday after school and get them to school Monday morning. In Texas, this is called Expanded Standard Possession. I would have preferred simply alternating weeks, but she said she would go scorched earth on that and I didn't want to drag the kids before a judge to get them to choose. They are old enough to know that's exactly what's happening. Plus the courts are pretty biased towards mom on custody still and the burden of proof would be on me that she was an unfit mother. She is many things but unfit mother isn't one of them. So we have been working under that schedule since July and it works pretty good except when it completely sucks. For example, each of us have had a weekend that wasn't "ours" we needed the kids for (family stuff). Swapping this at times resulted in almost 3 full weeks without seeing the kids. Dude, until you're sitting at home waiting 3 weeks to see your kids, you don't know what you're missing. Your having them every single Sunday kind of confuses me, but perhaps that's where they will sleep for the night? She will have them for that day?. Assuming you are actually on a 1st 3rd 5th schedule, you will also have 4 weeks in 2018 where she will have them 2 weekends in a row. Starting in 2018, we are informally switching our possession to this: M T W T F S S Week 1: M M M D D D D Week 2: M M M D M M M and just alternate weeks. This way if we ever have to swap weeks (which happens), there is no danger of either of us going 3 weeks without the kids. I will technically lose some time, but honestly, for me it is hardly noticeable and it is a good trade off. It also happens to meshes better with ballofconfusion custody schedule. Just be aware whatever financial games she is playing, judges tend to separate the money and custody in their minds. Even a total deadbeat has rights and it is hard to take those away since courts tend to rule in favor of the kids seeing both the parents (although still usually overly skewed towards mom). Just my 2 cents brother. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 6, 2017 19:44:38 GMT -5
As far as the money issues and the custody being separate that may be true. If things are more skewed towards mom, that can be in my favor, since we have reversed rolls for all 19 yrs of our kids upbringing. Another wait and see.
One thing that I believe will make a big, big difference in my case is when my two older boys are questioned on the witness stand, and especially when my three youngest (all teens now) get to speak to the judge privately in the judges chambers. My W's overbearing manipulative controlling tactics flow down in her parenting with the children. They are more and more aware of it, and want less and less to do with it.
All things my attorney-and years of counselling from our child psychologist, who will testify in the divorce- seem very confident that I have much of the advantage. I can only imagine what my kids would want to say about the lack of food in our house -while the W. and her daddy dine on McDonald daily- having to buy their own food, their own insurance, clothes, cleaning up grandpas filth, etc...
Compared to when I was in charge of buying the groceries.. Basically the kids want to be with dad far over being with mom. It is and will be more of my responsibility that I will wear with honor.
I want to avoid co-parenting as much as possible. I want parallel parenting. Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions will not end up as a playing card for my ex to manipulate with. Once things are set, they're set. Life goes on. The goal is "Saying Goodbye to Crazy" as much detachment as possible,and taking away her control over my life.
I remain very concerned about manipulation increasing heavily after the divorce. More reason for me to at least attempt to have the majority of the custody. I believe I will be much more the fair parent, and offer a better example of a giving caring, enjoy life parent.
3 weeks with one parent sound too long. That gives a lot of power towards "time to influence-brain wash- teens and children."
For now my kids don't sound very interested in too much back and forth, they want it over with and they want to know where they will be living, if they get their own rooms, can they have and do sleep overs, will we actually have ice cream at the house ever again, will they have their own phone, can they wear what most all the other kids wear, etc.. we all want some normalcy - if such a thing exists!
The Sunday -I believe- was me getting the kids at 9:00pm Sunday night. Honestly know one knows the future, but for what ever reason that my W. acts less and less involved/detached with the children and more about money, work and her daddy, the more the kids will be " we want to stay with dad" and my ex has a choice.
Either realize trying to screw it to me, by dumping kids on me is not hurting me at all, and is hurting her more. Or, the more she tries to convince the kids " your dad is a angry, stupid person, and her never ending, my way only tactics, and I treat you much the same way" she will only be driving them further from her, and closer to me.
This is a lot of reason that the whole divorce is happening at a good time. there is only a few years left. Half the family will be over 18 yrs. old. The other half will each be turning 18 one year after another.
I feel well equipped for parenting responsibilities due to my years of training. Heck, it seems a whole lot easier than the new responsibility of finding myself and doing what makes me happy. Such a weird struggle but a real one all the same.
Have I considered piracy? Maybe I'd make a good dread pirate Roberts?
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 6, 2017 20:12:39 GMT -5
One last thought, I believe that the same rescuer in me is coming out again, the giver. While the true taker, in my wife is coming out. The manipulative controller "in command ,for me only, all bow to me" self will show itself more and more.
my thoughts of dating, being with a woman, having weekends to "do things" have been so removed from my brain, that I am back to "for the kids" as I work on myself.
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Post by baza on Nov 6, 2017 20:49:07 GMT -5
I reckon your missus will be looking for flexibility in the schedule Brother greatcoastal . For example, if there is something like a graduation (where she can bath in reflected glory) then that will be 'her turn". On the other hand, if the kid has gastro and is projectile vomiting and shitting like a thrashing machine, then that will be "your turn". Kids car blew up ? - "Your turn". Kid is to be recognised in some sphere of excellence ? - "Her turn". Kids team makes a soccer final will herald "her turn". Getting the kid to practice through the mud and slush for the season ? - "your turn". In fact, any scenario where there is some sort of kudos for the kid = "her turn". Where there is some hard grift involved parentally = "your turn". |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 6, 2017 21:02:31 GMT -5
Spot on! For example: I took all the 6 kids to their own individual sports practices every season, then different sports the next season. That's A LOT of practicing!! The W. would show up at a few of the games, but made it to the awards ceremonies! (she would bring Grandpa with her).
Just the kind of things I would want my kids to relay to the judge, as my W. tries to portray me as never working and lazy. (a small piece of the puzzle)
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