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Post by Caris on Oct 11, 2017 19:00:44 GMT -5
I don't care what others think, or the well meant advice, but the fact is, I miss my husband a lot. Okay, ex-husband, but I hate the ex prefix. I hate that he's not here anymore. I hate that he's gone forever, and I'll never see him again, or talk to him again. I don't like it one bit that the loneliness I felt before he died, feels even worse now.
Who is there to discuss the kids with, or anything we lived through? No one. There was only him I could call and say, "hey, (our youngest) is doing better, and got a job." Or, "recall that time when..." or, "do you miss our old house because I do?" It has made the loneliness worse than it was. Added another depth to it.
I feel even more alienated from this life than I did before. I'm not apologizing for not having a wonderful successful post SM story. I know most like to hear of finding happiness and new found love and sex, but some of us don't find it. Some of us don't find "opposite land."
I don't want advice. I just need to vent the sadness I feel.
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I Miss Him
Oct 11, 2017 19:20:01 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by bballgirl on Oct 11, 2017 19:20:01 GMT -5
CarisI'm so sorry for the pain you are going through and I do understand that bond parents share. There is no other person that cares and loves your kids as much. I do think in life we have to remember the good times as well as the bad but cherish whatever time we did have with our loved ones. As well we should look to the positive things that are in our life now and find comfort from that. Hugs
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Post by obobfla on Oct 11, 2017 20:37:12 GMT -5
Caris, your grief is understandable. You spent much of your life with that man. Right now, I am wondering if I will go through what you are experiencing. My wife is not making much progress getting off the ventilation machine. If she doesn’t make much progress soon, she will most likely never get off it. Part of her problem is fluid in her lung cavity that doesn’t allow her lungs to fully expand. The nurses keep draining the fluid, but more comes into the cavity. The other part is her anxiety. She feels she can’t breathe, even though she is getting plenty of oxygen. Along with the drainage, the other part of her cure is physical therapy to work her lungs back into shape. However, her anxiety stops her from doing the work she needs to do. It’s frustrating for her family, the medical staff, and me to get her to do what she needs to do. She is on anti-anxiety medication, but I am asking for a second opinion to try some other drugs or therapies. If she passes, I will feel both sadness and relief. I will miss her, but I will be free of her worrying and dependency. She has become my child who will never grow up. Still, I will always hear her sweet singing voice, just like I hear my son’s precious baby laughter. She and I have a wonderful son, and we share the joy of raising him. If she recovered, I will be happy but stuck with her and her illnesses, both physical and mental. Divorce is an option, but I would have to work out a way to take care of her. My health plan does not cover ex-spouses. But no matter what, she will be around for a while longer. There won’t be that empty space.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2017 22:26:22 GMT -5
Caris, I deeply appreciate hearing ALL perspectives from the other side. It is (or has been) my plan to leave next summer, but I sometimes wonder if that’s the best course for me. Only time will tell.
I’m sorry for your loneliness. I know I often feel lonely in my SM. But I’m also the type who can be lonely in a crowd, so there’s that too.
All I can offer is a virtual hug and a huge thank you for your candor. I’m sure it’s not all roses on the other side because life isn’t all roses.
The notion that comforts me most when I’m struggling is that I believe we are here (in our human incarnation) to be broken. It’s through pain that we learn and grow. I don’t mean to trivialize anyone’s hardships. But this idea of growth is the only way I can make meaning out of life’s challenges at times. And then, learning to use the wound as the gift... How can I help others with what I’ve learned?
And you’re here helping others with your honesty about your struggles. Thank you.
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Post by baza on Oct 11, 2017 23:37:13 GMT -5
I can dig it Sister Caris . I left my missus in late 2009 and after the initial kerfuffle we were on good solid terms. She died unexpectedly in 2015. I still miss her at times and I still love her. Part of my history. Unerasable, and not something I want to erase in any event. Most people know my circumstances now days (I am writing this from a position of being in a great relationship, since early 2010) But I could be writing it from a very different position (unattached) and it would still be true. |
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Post by lwoetin on Oct 12, 2017 1:50:16 GMT -5
It's good to know how others deal with joys and sadness in their lives. We all relate and hopefully learn from one another. I don't understand what opposite land is, I think it's in Orlando.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 12, 2017 10:24:38 GMT -5
If you have an ex -- alive or dead-- that you are able to miss talking with about your mutual kids or memories, you are lucky.
Even during our 36 years of being together, my ex never talked about our mutual memories. When I'd say, "remember when," he'd interrupt and say that talking about the past made him feel bad. He was this way throughout our time together even though most of the time, we got along well. We really did have fun times.
I have at least 10 albums filled with pictures I mainly took showing us and our kids: our travels including a 6 week cross country trip, the kids' recitals, holidays, family reunions. He never looked at them. Yet, he proudly had had some pictures of us in his office. When we divorced, he asked for just one picture of our sons, which I gladly gave him. I would have gladly shared more with him. I even would have made albums of the kids (who were in their 20s when we divorced) so he could take them with him.
After our divorce, my ex moved 6,000 miles away from his adult kids and octogenarian parents including a father with Alzheimer's. When just before our divorce, I asked him if he had concerns that his kids wouldn't be able to afford the money and time to visit, his answer was silence. He had been a dad who coached his kids teams, served with the PTA, took his kids alone on trips to things they mutually enjoyed, published articles about fun times with his kids, and had been fully involved in raising them -- doctor's appointments, diaper changes, everything but breastfeeding. We coparented wonderfully together, supporting and agreeing with each other's decisions.
Now I communicate more about my kids with strangers who don't know them than I do with the man who raised them with me. There's no indication he's angry or deliberately withholding communication. I think I was always the one initiating such communication during our daily lives together.
As a result, the only time I have missed my ex during my 4 years of being divorced was once when I could have used help changing a lightbulb on a high ceiling.
So, if you are able to miss talking memories or kids with your ex, you are very lucky.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 13, 2017 8:37:29 GMT -5
Caris - I can't visualize how much pain is caused by his death. It's like being a widow but then you were shut out of the family as well, so there is a lot to grieve - and not getting to attend the funeral surely makes it harder. Gone without goodbyes is always harder (I think). Even a brief tryst with an old friend - he visited once and we had an amazing night together - well, he passed unexpectedly. His wife (it was SM, he knew that when he married her) his wife had to post on his Facebook page because the guy was so popular....but if she hadn't done that, I really wouldn't have known at all. And even that BRIEF of a rekindled flame - it caused a hole in my heart, a type of tear in the fabric of reality for me. I simply can't picture what it feels like but know that I'm with you in spiritual empathy. We don't all reach opposite land, it's true. I'm still with you, trudging a path towards (hopefully) but uncertain that I'll make it. I'm sorry to hear it hurts so deeply. I hope that venting helped and that you know I have unconditionally loving acceptance of you - even though we have never met, you help me so much. I am grateful for you, even in your pain and especially in your sharing of it.
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Post by Caris on Oct 13, 2017 10:25:15 GMT -5
Caris - I can't visualize how much pain is caused by his death. It's like being a widow but then you were shut out of the family as well, so there is a lot to grieve - and not getting to attend the funeral surely makes it harder. Gone without goodbyes is always harder (I think). Even a brief tryst with an old friend - he visited once and we had an amazing night together - well, he passed unexpectedly. His wife (it was SM, he knew that when he married her) his wife had to post on his Facebook page because the guy was so popular....but if she hadn't done that, I really wouldn't have known at all. And even that BRIEF of a rekindled flame - it caused a hole in my heart, a type of tear in the fabric of reality for me. I simply can't picture what it feels like but know that I'm with you in spiritual empathy. We don't all reach opposite land, it's true. I'm still with you, trudging a path towards (hopefully) but uncertain that I'll make it. I'm sorry to hear it hurts so deeply. I hope that venting helped and that you know I have unconditionally loving acceptance of you - even though we have never met, you help me so much. I am grateful for you, even in your pain and especially in your sharing of it. Grant, what a beautiful and kind response. Thank you. Your understanding and empathy helps me more than you know. Namaste 🙏 |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 15:19:26 GMT -5
Caris, I think I get it. Mr. Kat and I had so much that was good, for years before it started going south. I still miss what we had. I still feel terrible when I think I might not ever have that again. Long, deep relationships don’t go away easily.
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