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Post by james on Oct 12, 2017 7:12:00 GMT -5
Csl Your post and your blog post struck a chord with me. I’ve been thinking for a while that I will leave my wife when my youngest (now 11) reaches 18. But a big part of me thinks it’s just not fair to spring that on her without clear prior warning. My worry has always been that if I tell her now that I am thinking of leaving later she’ll just say “well, ok, you can leave now” which I absolutely do not want to do. Actually, something happened recently which made me think it might work. We bad a long chat one evening at the end of which we agreed that we would separate then and there. This was about three months ago. The next morning she gave me a hug and said that divorce was a big step, we should patch up our differences. We went on hols and made love about four times- it was ok, not great but ok. I felt happy. Just a few days after returning, she started refusing me again and that’s been it for about 6 weeks. Now I can say I know exactly what reset sex is! So, I don’t think she would evict me if I gave her a calendar date 6 1/2 years from now. I completely agree that this seems like the best and fairest way to go about it- and hey! it might bring change. We have a bit more counselling to do and I remain open to the possibility that she might change. But I am having thoughts about setting myself a date to talk to her about a date... Phoenix well done to you for taking action and for starting this thread. It is inspiring to read and to participate in. Hugs
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 12, 2017 10:30:30 GMT -5
My uncle and aunt were apparently friends, but were unhappily married. They made a pact to divorce after their youngest graduated from high school. What they ended up doing then was amicably separating because neither wanted to marry again, and remaining married gave them an excuse to not get tied down again.
Until my aunt died in her late 80s, they've remained good friends leading separate lives but being there for each other during hospitalizations and similar events including some family events.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Oct 12, 2017 19:17:09 GMT -5
Well done on taking the first steps. You will know soon enough if his promised changes are going to be long term. I hope he doesn't fall into the trap of appeasing you for 3-4 weeks cause he had the shi..t scared out of him then let things decline from there.
Personally judging by your picture you seem like a very attractive lady. I cannot see why any red blooded man would not want to sleep with you. That said who knows the way a Refusers mind works.
I hope it all works out for you. That said as others have stated before prepare your exit plan just in case you need to deliver on your ultimatium.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 14, 2017 20:22:42 GMT -5
My uncle and aunt were apparently friends, but were unhappily married. They made a pact to divorce after their youngest graduated from high school. What they ended up doing then was amicably separating because neither wanted to marry again, and remaining married gave them an excuse to not get tied down again. Until my aunt died in her late 80s, they've remained good friends leading separate lives but being there for each other during hospitalizations and similar events including some family events. I actually really like this story. I am struggling with my own time frame. My youngest will graduate HS in 5 years- which is the deadline I told my H. However, I am 43 and 5 years feels like a really long time. As my H and I will always be coparents I would like the opportunity to stay in his life in a positive way. Right now I also feel that there is no way in hell I would ever marry again! I will date, live together, whatever, forever but marriage feels like a trap I will not get stuck in again. Of course, that is me speaking after 17 years of marriage, 8 years SM. Might look different at some point.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 14, 2017 21:33:20 GMT -5
Good for you, it sounds like you got his mind working. My personal opinion is why so little. If I were to put a number on it, it would be closer to 2-3 times a week. Making up for lost time. Time is a precious resource, all the time you wasted on him could've been in a meaningful relationship full of passion and lust.
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Post by h on Oct 14, 2017 22:34:32 GMT -5
My uncle and aunt were apparently friends, but were unhappily married. They made a pact to divorce after their youngest graduated from high school. What they ended up doing then was amicably separating because neither wanted to marry again, and remaining married gave them an excuse to not get tied down again. Until my aunt died in her late 80s, they've remained good friends leading separate lives but being there for each other during hospitalizations and similar events including some family events. I actually really like this story. I am struggling with my own time frame. My youngest will graduate HS in 5 years- which is the deadline I told my H. However, I am 43 and 5 years feels like a really long time. As my H and I will always be coparents I would like the opportunity to stay in his life in a positive way. Right now I also feel that there is no way in hell I would ever marry again! I will date, live together, whatever, forever but marriage feels like a trap I will not get stuck in again. Of course, that is me speaking after 17 years of marriage, 8 years SM. Might look different at some point. I'm with you on that! If I get out, I'll never marry again. Why risk going through all this again. If I end up free, I'll never let go of that freedom again. If I feel like cutting my losses then I just walk away without any legal mess.
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Post by JMX on Oct 14, 2017 22:54:19 GMT -5
Wow. Good for you for voicing it. A word of caution - specifically mentioned by baza but let me elaborate. I had my exit plan in place. I was three appointments deep with my third lawyer. He started... "changing". Let me tell you, "changing" in duress is not really change. I cannot remember your timeline exactly, so let me tell you mine: Married almost 15 years. Together for 17. Basically, sexless for 12. About 8 years - once a month (when I begged) and about once a quarter after that - when I cried. We had some stints last year where we were at 2-3 times per week when his "life" was on the line. That stint lasted maybe a month. He turned on me on a dime. One day he was in love with me (even after the baby was about 2) and the next day, he was not. He emotionally abuses me this way and I KNOW it. It started with a micro-aggression on my part that sent him into a freaking tailspin. I now know, despite anything I do, he is not capable of being a partner that I need. And, even though I was wrong - it is not my fault. Most other people would have understood it was not meant how it was taken and moved on. But he's not mentally healthy. He doesn't understand and has never been modeled a healthy relationship in his entire life. Not one. It is not my fault. It was life. Honestly, he will never see it either because he is proud of himself for not being physically or verbally abusive. Like his stepfather. So, I can continue being abrasive and hold divorce over his head - he does not want it. In my most serious times, I might even get a reluctant couple of fucks for a couple of weeks. They are empty, meaningless and pitiful fucks. The truth is - and if you have ever had the pleasure of reading beachguy on this subject, you will realize - a man's desire does not come back. I've never seen it here. I sure haven't seen it in my home either. I think this is what separates some of the men here with the women. The bait-and-switched men, will probably never change their wives. The ones that had it? - they have more potential than any woman here has to change their husbands/relationships. I predict your reset will feel wonderful for a bit, leave you feeling empty and the loop will continue. I hope you follow through - you are so young! April 2018! Good luck and God, SPEED!
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 15, 2017 6:29:52 GMT -5
Wow. Good for you for voicing it. A word of caution - specifically mentioned by baza but let me elaborate. I had my exit plan in place. I was three appointments deep with my third lawyer. He started... "changing". Let me tell you, "changing" in duress is not really change. I cannot remember your timeline exactly, so let me tell you mine: Married almost 15 years. Together for 17. Basically, sexless for 12. About 8 years - once a month (when I begged) and about once a quarter after that - when I cried. We had some stints last year where we were at 2-3 times per week when his "life" was on the line. That stint lasted maybe a month. He turned on me on a dime. One day he was in love with me (even after the baby was about 2) and the next day, he was not. He emotionally abuses me this way and I KNOW it. It started with a micro-aggression on my part that sent him into a freaking tailspin. I now know, despite anything I do, he is not capable of being a partner that I need. And, even though I was wrong - it is not my fault. Most other people would have understood it was not meant how it was taken and moved on. But he's not mentally healthy. He doesn't understand and has never been modeled a healthy relationship in his entire life. Not one. It is not my fault. It was life. Honestly, he will never see it either because he is proud of himself for not being physically or verbally abusive. Like his stepfather. So, I can continue being abrasive and hold divorce over his head - he does not want it. In my most serious times, I might even get a reluctant couple of fucks for a couple of weeks. They are empty, meaningless and pitiful fucks. The truth is - and if you have ever had the pleasure of reading beachguy on this subject, you will realize - a man's desire does not come back. I've never seen it here. I sure haven't seen it in my home either. I think this is what separates some of the men here with the women. The bait-and-switched men, will probably never change their wives. The ones that had it? - they have more potential than any woman here has to change their husbands/relationships. I predict your reset will feel wonderful for a bit, leave you feeling empty and the loop will continue. I hope you follow through - you are so young! April 2018! Good luck and God, SPEED! It sounds like you and @mrslowmaintance cold have a nice venting in A hole husbands.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 15, 2017 6:30:30 GMT -5
Good for you, it sounds like you got his mind working. My personal opinion is why so little. If I were to put a number on it, it would be closer to 2-3 times a week. Making up for lost time. Time is a precious resource, all the time you wasted on him could've been in a meaningful relationship full of passion and lust. 2-3 times a wish of not making up for lost time.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 15, 2017 9:51:41 GMT -5
Good for you, it sounds like you got his mind working. My personal opinion is why so little. If I were to put a number on it, it would be closer to 2-3 times a week. Making up for lost time. Time is a precious resource, all the time you wasted on him could've been in a meaningful relationship full of passion and lust. 2-3 times a wish of not making up for lost time. It is for her, from what I read it's only been a few years, for me twice a day, every day would be making up for lost time, 3-4 times a is what I'd call a normal relationships sex life maybe 2-3 spotted with some mutual oral and heavy petting. Not that unreasonable.
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Post by baza on Apr 6, 2018 21:00:21 GMT -5
Hello pheonix25 . Your deadline is up this month - April 2018. Just curious as to how it all went.
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Post by james on Apr 9, 2018 0:32:47 GMT -5
pheonix25 Yes, so am I😊 Please let us have an update. It’s helpful to know how things work out for people who have told their stories here. I will be reporting back again soon.
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