sarah
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by sarah on Oct 10, 2017 16:13:42 GMT -5
I have been married to my husband for 15 years. It is mostly a happy marriage. As I have reached my forties, my sex drive has rocketed. In some sort of cruel twist of fate, my husbands sex drive appears to be zero. It has been dwindling for years. Requests for sex would be met with falling asleep, agreeing and then falling asleep, calling me a silly teenager, rolling his eyes at me. Still I was stupid and kept asking him for sex. Often it wasn't great but it felt better than nothing. Even that dwindled away. It got to the point where I told him I wanted to look for other men. He said he would make an effort. Tiny bit of effort and then back to nothing again. Even went on holiday for two weeks to a beautiful hot country, guess what? No sex. He won't even share a bed with me. Hasn't throughout our whole marriage.
I started chatting online to other men. Met a young man. We didn't have penetrative sex but kissed and did other things. I thought it would help. It felt wonderful to be desired but this was a mistake as now I just realised what I have been missing. I also can't handle sex without feelings. I have just made my situation worse.
I have been looking thoroughly miserable lately and he actually noticed, I told him it was the lack of sex. He offered sex, and I told him no. I don't know whether I just wanted to punish him for rejecting and ignoring my desires for years. He has just pretended nothing has happened and it is back to sexless marriage again.
Finding it difficult to carry on, not in a financial position to leave and also have a young child.
I dont even bother touching myself anymore, thinking I should just accept this is my life now. Keep telling myself sex is for other people, not for me. If I keep wanting it, it will just destroy me. But this is making me die inside as well.
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Post by h on Oct 10, 2017 17:04:45 GMT -5
sarahThere's nothing wrong with you. Your husband is breaking the marriage vows he made to you. Forcing you to live with a sexless marriage is no different than if he were cheating on you with someone else. Either way, he is cheating you out of what he promised you. If you think that the relationship is savable, you should demand that he go to a doctor and get a full physical. Often, a drop in sex drive is a warning sign of other health issues. After that, I would try marriage counseling. If you think the marriage is too far gone, you can explore other options. What those options are can vary depending how far you are willing to go.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2017 17:07:08 GMT -5
HI Sarah!
Welcome and I am sorry that you are here. It is a position I would wish on no one. I have been in the same boat myself. Keep posting and reading and you may find some insight.
You may find a way to talk to your H and resolve the situation with him. Or you may find a way to live with the situation as it is. Or you may find that you do have the option to leave if you want.
But whatever you choose, you will find nothing but acceptance here.
BTW, how old is your child?
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Post by baza on Oct 10, 2017 17:27:45 GMT -5
It doesn't read like a "mostly happy marriage" at all. You seem quite miserable. Anyway, welcome to the zoo Sister sarah . I would suggest extensive reading in here for you. You might like to look up Sister merrygoround and read her run of stories from go to whoa. bballgirl would be another. nyartgal another. And for an alternate view Sister darktippedrose. In these examples you will see how these members have coped with their situations. One thing you can be assured of ... that there are no easy answers to be had. You are going to be in a world of hurt no matter what you choose to do. Given that fact, an underlying principle you might keep in mind is to take a longer term view of your situation. What would be in your longer term best interests ? To stay in this relationship ? To vacate this relationship ? Either choice involves pain. Ongoing indefinitely if you stay. Additional short term pain if you leave, but a world of potential at the other end. Hopefully this group can be of assistance as you wrestle with these challenging choices you have ahead of you.
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Post by darktippedrose on Oct 10, 2017 17:38:50 GMT -5
Hugs sweetie. I know its tough. Its brutal.
I'd like to think there's hope, if not now, at least in the future. I don't think that this is how life should be forever. I think this is just the way our spouses are.
We can change ourselves, not our spouses.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 10, 2017 18:34:34 GMT -5
Welcome Sarah. So sorry you are here but you are in good company with people that understand. It's not easy but focus on yourself and figure out what you want for yourself. I was in a SM for 23 years the last two I became a counter refuser. I'm divorced now and I'm happy that I'm no longer married. Divorce was definitely the right choice for me. Take your time and figure things out for yourself at your own pace. Hugs.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 10, 2017 19:54:50 GMT -5
Welcome! I am brand new here also. I have been reading around and the stories seem to really help. I find in my own quiet suffering the voice that tells me "this is fine" is quite loud. Here is a passionate place where that other side gets voiced- the side that says THIS IS NOT OK! Thanks for sharing.
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Post by h on Oct 10, 2017 21:27:32 GMT -5
... It is mostly a happy marriage. ... ...Finding it difficult to carry on... ... If I keep wanting it, it will just destroy me. But this is making me die inside as well. Welcome sarah We all can empathize with you (your story sounds a lot like mine and so does your thought process) I want to be a devil's advocate and challenge you to try and reconcile the statements above. btw, I tried to squash/smother/bury/eradicate/destroy my sexuality. For years. I wasn't able. As did I. I tried herbal supplements and even intentionally sabotaging my health. Nothing worked.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 10, 2017 21:39:20 GMT -5
I found that trying to deny my own nature was akin to spiritual suicide. I had to leave the marriage to save myself. I hope you’ll find some measure of comfort from finding our community. It’s amazing what clarity can come from reading the stories here. Good luck navigating your path - I’m glad you found us!
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Post by dinnaken on Oct 11, 2017 1:14:10 GMT -5
Hello sarah I'm sorry that you find yourself here; your story will be familiar to many, myself included. It might seem like it but you're not trapped, you're not doomed to always live like this. It may take time but you can develop options and make room to manoeuvre in. I would say that whatever you choose to do it will take time, effort and pain - don't dodge them. I was in a sexless marriage for 27 years and even though I am now single and happy, you don't get the years back All the best
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Post by tamara68 on Oct 11, 2017 1:21:46 GMT -5
Hi Sarah, Welcome here! I understand what you say about trying to accept that this is your life and sex is not in it. It is what I have tried too. But it isn't going to work. It is not possible to deny who you are without destroying yourself. You need to investigate all options. Most likely your thoughts about your situation are keeping you there more than the factual situation. In hindsight I know I have stayed too long. If I would have found a way out while my daughter was still young, it would have been better for all of us. Time is not your friend.
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Post by nolongerlonely on Oct 11, 2017 2:17:22 GMT -5
Hello sarah and welcome. you are not abnormal you are being completely natural I have been in your place since about 1995 I just wish this online resource this forum I mean existed back then. I too shut feelings desires out - doesn't work does it? And I too strayed meaninglessly and felt awful afterwards. So please attempt vigorously to fix your partner via counselling or whatever is available to you and do it now not in a year or ten years from now and read real life experiences and feelings on here to reassure yourself
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Post by rejected101 on Oct 11, 2017 2:53:41 GMT -5
I have been married to my husband for 15 years. It is mostly a happy marriage. As I have reached my forties, my sex drive has rocketed. In some sort of cruel twist of fate, my husbands sex drive appears to be zero. It has been dwindling for years. Requests for sex would be met with falling asleep, agreeing and then falling asleep, calling me a silly teenager, rolling his eyes at me. Still I was stupid and kept asking him for sex. Often it wasn't great but it felt better than nothing. Even that dwindled away. It got to the point where I told him I wanted to look for other men. He said he would make an effort. Tiny bit of effort and then back to nothing again. Even went on holiday for two weeks to a beautiful hot country, guess what? No sex. He won't even share a bed with me. Hasn't throughout our whole marriage. I started chatting online to other men. Met a young man. We didn't have penetrative sex but kissed and did other things. I thought it would help. It felt wonderful to be desired but this was a mistake as now I just realised what I have been missing. I also can't handle sex without feelings. I have just made my situation worse. I have been looking thoroughly miserable lately and he actually noticed, I told him it was the lack of sex. He offered sex, and I told him no. I don't know whether I just wanted to punish him for rejecting and ignoring my desires for years. He has just pretended nothing has happened and it is back to sexless marriage again. Finding it difficult to carry on, not in a financial position to leave and also have a young child. I dont even bother touching myself anymore, thinking I should just accept this is my life now. Keep telling myself sex is for other people, not for me. If I keep wanting it, it will just destroy me. But this is making me die inside as well. 2 questions that you may or may not know the answer to. 1) How frequently does he masturbate? 2) Does he watch porn?
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Post by snowman12345 on Oct 11, 2017 5:50:42 GMT -5
No one is ever in a financial position to leave - yet somehow, when the time comes, they make it through. If you want sex with emotional ties you will need to either get your husband to change permanently, have an affair, or leave. Which one is more likely to happen? You've asked hubby to change before - what's the track record there? It has been said on this forum many times - the only person you can change is yourself. When you finally make your decision, the one thing you will ask yourself is "why did I waste so much time?". Good luck to you. I hope you find peace.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 11, 2017 6:07:16 GMT -5
"So please attempt vigorously to fix your partner via counselling or whatever is available to you and do it now not in a year or ten years from now...."
No one can fix another person. It's hard enough to fix or change oneself. Her partner probably wishes he could fix her so she no longer wants a sex life!
They are simply not sexually compatible. The sooner she realizes that and takes whatever steps under her control to respond to that unchangeable truth, the sooner she will stop being miserable. She can choose to stay and give up sex forever. She can choose to stay and cheat. She can choose to leave. Doing nothing is choosing to stay.
Individual counseling or other means of self reflection and change are ways that she can take responsibility for her own happiness.
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