|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 4, 2017 20:18:04 GMT -5
Mathdoll, You have nothing to apologize for. Some of us have empathy because we know what it's like to be in such a dark place. I remember making a suicide attempt via pill overdose due to losing a job. Like you, I was afraid of being homeless. I remember thinking of slamming my car into bridge abutments. I remember when one time I almost hit a car when I, death on my mind, suddenly swerved into its path.
I have been in such dark places, and I also have come out of the other side, and when I have, I have been able to see that things were not as bad as I thought, that there were ways out that didn't involve killing myself.
I care about you as do others here. Please talk to your therapist or doctor and get the help you need. You are worth it.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 20:35:44 GMT -5
Thank you so much northstar.
I really don't deserve any support because I haven't been around the board for so long. Haven't supported others either.
I was reading another thread and was going to post about my ex's behaviour there but I think its probably better here.
(Hey darktippedrose) my ex told me frequently that I had memory problems and that I was obviously not as bright as I was when younger (I am highly qualified and had done well in lots of areas until recently). He attributed my apparent slowness to ill health, the prescribed drugs that I take and the long term effects of abuse from my family. I attribute it to exhaustion and ongoing emotional abuse. He never let me finish a sentence, interrupted frequently, changed subjects mid discussion and often told me to my face that he wasn't listening. It was so embarassing because he would do all of those things in front of other people and topped it off with finger wagging and grabbing my hands and squeezing them. Twice he put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking. I was mortified. I put all of those things down to his Aspergers - but it is still abusive. Oh God, the more I write this stuff down the more clear it is that he is an abuser.
In a weird way he has set me free because part of the reason I stayed was financial dependence and fear of homelessness. How horrible is that? Maybe I am no better than he is.
|
|
|
Post by tirefire on Oct 4, 2017 20:56:33 GMT -5
Thank you so much northstar. I really don't deserve any support because I haven't been around the board for so long. Haven't supported others either. I was reading another thread and was going to post about my ex's behaviour there but I think its probably better here. (Hey darktippedrose) my ex told me frequently that I had memory problems and that I was obviously not as bright as I was when younger (I am highly qualified and had done well in lots of areas until recently). He attributed my apparent slowness to ill health, the prescribed drugs that I take and the long term effects of abuse from my family. I attribute it to exhaustion and ongoing emotional abuse. He never let me finish a sentence, interrupted frequently, changed subjects mid discussion and often told me to my face that he wasn't listening. It was so embarassing because he would do all of those things in front of other people and topped it off with finger wagging and grabbing my hands and squeezing them. Twice he put his hand over my mouth to stop me talking. I was mortified. I put all of those things down to his Aspergers - but it is still abusive. Oh God, the more I write this stuff down the more clear it is that he is an abuser. In a weird way he has set me free because part of the reason I stayed was financial dependence and fear of homelessness. How horrible is that? Maybe I am no better than he is. Holy crap, that guy is an abusive asshole. I feel for you with the interrupting. I can't usually finish a sentence when it is something important, I get interrupted. It is very frustrating, isn't it. You are much better than he is.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 4, 2017 21:17:03 GMT -5
Sister mathdoll , this all reads like you are working your arse off to recover your emotional equilibrium and mental health. And the undertone of your writings shows you as being a pretty smart and resourceful chick - most assuredly capable of finding your feet and having a great future. But it also reads like this bloke has a vested interest in you NOT finding your feet hence his strategy to keep you beaten down and subservient. He's like a pair of concrete boots. A major impediment to your way forward. You aren't likely to offload him "today" but I am betting that when you do, you are going to fly like a bird.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 4, 2017 21:17:53 GMT -5
"I really don't deserve any support because I haven't been around the board for so long. Haven't supported others either."
Yes, you do deserve support -- because you are hurting. There is no rule here that one has to be a member for a while before others give a damn about you. Of course you haven't supported others. You are overwhelmed with the many challenges in your life. You aren't able to support yourself now, so of course you can not do much -- if anything-- for others.
Please, please call your therapist or doctor or a hotline and get the help you need and deserve. You are not able to think through things clearly right now -- because you're depressed and very stressed, NOT because you are stupid. I've been in that kind of horrible place. I was so depressed and stressed that I couldn't even figure out what clothes to wear. I could barely get out of bed. In fact, for weeks, when I got out of bed, I stepped over a dead roach because I was too tired and depressed to pick it up. My now ex never noticed.
Please reach out to a professional or a hotline or others who are in a position to offer you the in person help you need.
And, yes, your ex was an abusive asshole. Aspergers doesn't excuse his being abusive. I have friends with Aspergers who are extremely nice and kind, just somewhat socially awkward. Aspergers doesn't make people assholes.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 4, 2017 23:06:14 GMT -5
I really need to hear what you are saying.
I keep swinging between feeling that I will be OK and then outright despair and fear of what's ahead.
This will be my fifth house move in four years.
I have already requested the details of several possible rentals - tiny studio flats, but at least they are furnished and affordable.
I've also looked at some employment agencies.
I still can't believe that I let him treat me like that for almost four years. I actually left once for several months and then moved back. How stupid can I be?
The sex got worse and worse, presumably as he got more confident that I was hooked. I didn't know we were having starfish sex until I read another thread - and that was it exactly! Me working harder and harder everytime.
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Oct 4, 2017 23:45:54 GMT -5
Oh mathdoll - I am distressed reading this. You are so much more than what you think you deserve. Your son, but more importantly, the contributions you bring to this world - no matter how small. Everyone would miss you / you little ripple, you! Please listen to northstarmom and reach out for help!!!! None of your past matters, lovie! Only what you do now. Help yourself. Trivial bit, I remember staring at coffee grounds on the floor, they had just missed the trash can. Just missed. I thought - who fucking cares? No one else cared - for days. It sat there, never picked up. I finally picked them up day 3. I get wanting to kill yourself. But - it was an acknowledgment of my state. It would not get done unless I did it. But! I needed help. I got it. I so appreciate my individual therapist. She has told me things I needed to hear. Please get one!!
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 5, 2017 6:52:19 GMT -5
"I still can't believe that I let him treat me like that for almost four years. I actually left once for several months and then moved back. How stupid can I be."
You aren't stupid. Your actions are typical of women who have been abused. It typically takes several bouts of leaving then returning for abused women to permanently leave. You also due to your childhood don't know yet what normal is. Your ex also is working hard to keep you under his thumb, depressed and without confidence.
If there is a women's shelter or agency in your area that has support groups or a support line, you may find that very helpful. Due to the various traumas you've experienced, your actions, depression and reactions make sense. You can learn healthier and more beneficial to you ways of living. Being here is a step. Seeking more professional help would be another.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 5, 2017 11:07:13 GMT -5
I am going to look for some local support, but because he never hit me I don't know whether I can. I can't stop crying and haven't slept at all. I have locked myself in the bedroom and have stayed in bed but he is out anyway. I don't know if I'll ever get out again. I cancelled an appointment I had this afternoon because I couldn't face it. This morning he started behaving as if nothing was wrong but I didn't look at him and made the briefest reply when he spoke.
Its just so repetitive and I cry everytime I look at my cat because I can't take her with me into a rental.
I just want it all to end.
Sorry.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 5, 2017 12:07:32 GMT -5
Please call your doctor, therapist, a hotline or a women's shelter/center and get the help you urgently need. You are seriously depressed and considering suicide. You do NOT need to have been hit to qualify for services for abused women. Some say that verbal and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because verbal and emotional abuse doesn't leave physical scars so it's hard for the victims to realize how much they have been hurt. "Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following descriptions of abuse, reach out now. There is help available. No one should live in fear of the person they love.... When people think of domestic abuse, they often focus on domestic violence. But domestic abuse occurs whenever one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic violence and abuse do not discriminate. Abuse happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe. Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, you can get the help you need. Signs that you're in an abusive relationship There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation. To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship. Are you in an abusive relationship? Your inner thoughts and feelings Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless? Your partner's belittling behavior Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for their own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person? Got to the link to learn more: www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Oct 5, 2017 12:18:43 GMT -5
More info from the same site: "The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence—leaving you feeling that there’s no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of emotional abuse are very real, though, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse
Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:
Rigidly controlling your finances Withholding money or credit cards Making you account for every penny you spend Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter) Restricting you to an allowance Preventing you from working or choosing your own career Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly) Stealing from you or taking your money Abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:
Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time
Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love. Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone. Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls)."
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Oct 6, 2017 0:16:44 GMT -5
I really don't deserve any support because I haven't been around the board for so long. Haven't supported others either. Yeah... that's not how it works around here. We all landed here because we needed help and support. Getting your own support comes first. Being a 'giver' is a popular trait here, and often what got us into this predicament. Take the opportunity and be a 'taker' for a while. If you want to pay it forward later, that's awesome too, but not where your head needs to be right now.
|
|
|
Post by h on Oct 6, 2017 4:52:25 GMT -5
I really don't deserve any support because I haven't been around the board for so long. Haven't supported others either. Yeah... that's not how it works around here. We all landed here because we needed help and support. Getting your own support comes first. Being a 'giver' is a popular trait here, and often what got us into this predicament. Take the opportunity and be a 'taker' for a while. If you want to pay it forward later, that's awesome too, but not where your head needs to be right now. Agreed! That's how I started here. Take the help for now and pay it forward later. I like how you put it.
|
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
|
Post by mathdoll on Oct 6, 2017 5:38:49 GMT -5
I am so ashamed that I got involved with and stayed with another abusive man.
He was using sex as a hook. When I moved back in it became 'starfish' sex with me basically servicing him. I justified it in my mind because he has major depressive disorder and Asperger's. Very quickly even that stopped. I tried to be pro-active - God, you all know the routine. I tried to discuss it, I told him how I was feeling, I made suggestions. You all know the responses. Nothing. A shrug of the shoulders.
This is going to sound even more ridiculous. The guy tells me he is a world class mathematician. This was true twenty years ago. I have seen the proof. He tells me he is the best mathematician in his department (a global top ten ranked maths department in one of the best universities in the world.) But he has not published anything for over 10 years. He is still a basic grade lecturer after twenty years. He is on a performance improvement plan. He tells me this is because he is so brilliant he won't play the game and his colleagues are all idiots publishing rubbish.
Why is this relevant? Because I was not just blown away by good sex at the beginning, but I got this ridiculous, self serving, stupid idea that he really is a genius and so is allowed to be eccentric. That's right. Instead of seeing the guy as he actually is - an abusive asshole, I saw a difficult genius. I thought that I was playing the role of 'handmaid' to his genius. I was actually playing victim to his narcissistic fantasies.
What a f***ing stupid, crazy person I am. I just want to scrub the whole thing out of my memory and my life.
Oh good. It looks like I have hit the angry stage. Its an improvement on despair.
If anyone has made it this far without clicking off in disgust and disbelief thank you for reading.
|
|
|
Post by tirefire on Oct 6, 2017 6:07:40 GMT -5
"What a f***ing stupid, crazy person I am." You made a mistake. Get in line behind everyone else on the board. Every other human, in fact. Keep your chin up. You sound like a good catch for someone. Just not this bozo.
|
|