Dealing With Men is Resurfacing Pain of SM
Aug 16, 2017 17:43:30 GMT -5
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JMX, GeekGoddess, and 2 more like this
Post by Caris on Aug 16, 2017 17:43:30 GMT -5
I can't deal with men. I just can't. I don't know what to do with them. It's like dealing with alien creatures, and when I'm interacting with them, all kinds of gunk, dragons, pain, rise to the surface. Sure, I can hold a conversation with just about anyone, and I can even come across as bright, bubbly, and interesting, but that part of me feels alien as well. Later, I think, "who the hell was that?"
I'd made the decision to just meet a man, get it over and done with, but the problem is...I keep seeing myself through my husband's eyes. I hear his voice without hearing it, if you know what I mean. He despised me. He must have to have treated me the way he did.
There was one time (a few years before the divorce), he was going away for a week. I was in a severe depression at the time, with suicidal thoughts, and he knew about it. Anyway he left, and the thermostat that controlled my room was in the master bedroom (his room). The first thing I saw as I walked through the door was a shotgun, lying on a box, right in front of the thermostat. In 25-years of marriage, I'd never seen one of his guns left lying around. In fact, even though I knew he had them, and had a permit, I just didn't see them. He kept them out of sight and unloaded. Immediately, I just knew why that gun was there, and without picking it up, I knew it was loaded. In 25-years, there had never be an unloaded gun left around, let alone a loaded one. He hated me. He wanted me dead. I called him and said you left a shotgun in the bedroom, by the door, he said he knew. I said, "it's loaded, isn't it?" He said, "yes." So I said he wanted me to kill myself, and he laughed and said I was being ridiculous, but he never had an answer for why he left a loaded shotgun out, but I knew why.
I can't even explain how that affected me, but it was bad. To know he was hoping I'd hurt myself. No wonder I have issues of trust, and withdrew from life for so long, but that's not the only reason. I had other things besides the marriage I was dealing with.
I feel lost when it comes to men. That pain from those years comes up, and I want to cry and be held, but I can't allow it. I think I hate myself. I'm pretty sure of it. My mother was a very cruel person and beat the sh*t out of me (physically and emotionally) for no reason. As an adult I was left traumatized from all that abuse, but I still trusted people, and never became vindictive, or wanted payback. I think between her and him, I've somehow taken over the mantle of "punisher." I don't like people to suffer, so this pent up energy has to go somewhere, so it goes to me, I think.
I must be the most mature, level headed, self aware, and screwed up person I've ever come across. I think it's going to take more years than I've got left, to sort out this mess.
If you've read this far, thanks. I may delete this, but at last it's all coming out. Well, not all, but some. It's a relief in some ways to get it off my chest.
I'd made the decision to just meet a man, get it over and done with, but the problem is...I keep seeing myself through my husband's eyes. I hear his voice without hearing it, if you know what I mean. He despised me. He must have to have treated me the way he did.
There was one time (a few years before the divorce), he was going away for a week. I was in a severe depression at the time, with suicidal thoughts, and he knew about it. Anyway he left, and the thermostat that controlled my room was in the master bedroom (his room). The first thing I saw as I walked through the door was a shotgun, lying on a box, right in front of the thermostat. In 25-years of marriage, I'd never seen one of his guns left lying around. In fact, even though I knew he had them, and had a permit, I just didn't see them. He kept them out of sight and unloaded. Immediately, I just knew why that gun was there, and without picking it up, I knew it was loaded. In 25-years, there had never be an unloaded gun left around, let alone a loaded one. He hated me. He wanted me dead. I called him and said you left a shotgun in the bedroom, by the door, he said he knew. I said, "it's loaded, isn't it?" He said, "yes." So I said he wanted me to kill myself, and he laughed and said I was being ridiculous, but he never had an answer for why he left a loaded shotgun out, but I knew why.
I can't even explain how that affected me, but it was bad. To know he was hoping I'd hurt myself. No wonder I have issues of trust, and withdrew from life for so long, but that's not the only reason. I had other things besides the marriage I was dealing with.
I feel lost when it comes to men. That pain from those years comes up, and I want to cry and be held, but I can't allow it. I think I hate myself. I'm pretty sure of it. My mother was a very cruel person and beat the sh*t out of me (physically and emotionally) for no reason. As an adult I was left traumatized from all that abuse, but I still trusted people, and never became vindictive, or wanted payback. I think between her and him, I've somehow taken over the mantle of "punisher." I don't like people to suffer, so this pent up energy has to go somewhere, so it goes to me, I think.
I must be the most mature, level headed, self aware, and screwed up person I've ever come across. I think it's going to take more years than I've got left, to sort out this mess.
If you've read this far, thanks. I may delete this, but at last it's all coming out. Well, not all, but some. It's a relief in some ways to get it off my chest.