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Post by Caris on Aug 13, 2017 13:09:27 GMT -5
This applies to the still married and the post married. Stop accepting the crumbs of affection, sex, interest in you that your "master" throws your way now and again, just to keep you hanging on to hope. That's one thing I've learned...that I was hanging on like a puppy dog waiting for the "crumbs" of attention. Oh, those tiny morsels tasted so good when they were thrown my way, but it was a very long time between receiving scraps.
In my dating life (still haven't gone on a date yet after 2-years), I remember this. I won't accept scraps anymore. I have low market sexual value now I'm older, but that doesn't mean I have to accept scraps. If a man is not willing to make some effort to "get me" (okay, I realize I have to give more allowances than I did when I had high market value), then he's not worth my time and attention. I'm done with being a puppy dog, and you should be done with it too.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2017 13:34:18 GMT -5
Caris,
It's great that you no longer will settle for crumbs of affection. Yes, it is better to be alone than to be beaten down verbally and sexually rejected.
Please do not cling to the heartbreakingly cruel words your refuser ex said when he claimed that your being "old" and "ugly" was his reason for not having sex with you. He was probably deliberately trying to hurt you so you'd no longer try to make love to him. The real probably may have been that his dick didn't work any more -- for anyone. Your "market value" may be less when it comes to shallow, cruel men like your ex was, but that's to the better because such a man never was worthy of you. The only "allowance" you may need to make would be to be open to suitors reasaonably close to your age group, not much younger men. But, much younger men probably would be immature by your standards, so not a good fit anyway.
Wishing you the best as you welcome life and its possibilities on your own terms.
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 13, 2017 13:37:40 GMT -5
No more crumbs.
But you reminded me of this book on Amazon's.
How to Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days or Less Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers
ISBN-13: 978-1563056260, ISBN-10: 1563056267
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Post by Caris on Aug 13, 2017 14:18:58 GMT -5
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Post by Caris on Aug 13, 2017 14:25:14 GMT -5
jim44444, Thanks, I'll check it out. I've had two men today, who messaged me, and I could tell they were using me to vent about their bad experiences on the site. I suppose saying that I'm compassionate on my profile makes some think I'm an "agony aunt" they can turn to to vent. I'm not there for men who have no interest in me to spout off about other women. I wish them well, and say goodbye.
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Post by Caris on Aug 13, 2017 14:40:27 GMT -5
jim44444, that looks like a fun book. I've read similar, but not using the š¶ analogy. It should give me a laugh. It's a pity it's not on Kindle. I still don't have a man to practice on. In fact, I'm probably like this already. I take a while to answer messages, not because I'm playing hard to get, but because I really don't care. I've been alone too long, so I know I can survive without affection, love, sex, and attention...it may suck at times...but I can do it, which has made me even more selective about who gets my time and attention.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 13, 2017 14:49:50 GMT -5
jim44444 , Thanks, I'll check it out. I've had two men today, who messaged me, and I could tell they were using me to vent about their bad experiences on the site. I suppose saying that I'm compassionate on my profile makes some think I'm an "agony aunt" they can turn to to vent. I'm not there for men who have no interest in me to spout off about other women. I wish them well, and say goodbye. Ohoo.... I'll confess. I'm guilty of needing an "agony aunt" (never heard that before  ) Yet at the same time I know I really don't want that to happen. It's a stage, and a necessary one. I'm working on it. Sometimes it's only for a few minutes, sometimes longer. I find myself saying, " Man... I look forward to the day when I won't be having to talk about this ( SM, divorce, manipulative controller) so much, and I can be a fun person to be with again". Then I try to be a fun person. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 13, 2017 16:14:28 GMT -5
jim44444 , Thanks, I'll check it out. I've had two men today, who messaged me, and I could tell they were using me to vent about their bad experiences on the site. I suppose saying that I'm compassionate on my profile makes some think I'm an "agony aunt" they can turn to to vent. I'm not there for men who have no interest in me to spout off about other women. I wish them well, and say goodbye. Ohoo.... I'll confess. I'm guilty of needing an "agony aunt" (never heard that beforeĀ ) Yet at the same time I know I really don't want that to happen. It's a stage, and a necessary one. I'm working on it. Sometimes it's only for a few minutes, sometimes longer. I find myself saying, " Man... I look forward to the day when I won't be having to talk about this ( SM, divorce, manipulative controller) Ā so much, and I can be a fun person to be with again". Then I try to be a fun person. We all need to vent, especially in our situations, but that's what this site is for. I have no problem with anyone needing to do this, but not on a dating site. I may give my time and attention to someone here, or on SW, who needs a compassionate ear, but my purpose for being on a dating site is different. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 13, 2017 21:30:48 GMT -5
Ohoo.... I'll confess. I'm guilty of needing an "agony aunt" (never heard that before ) Yet at the same time I know I really don't want that to happen. It's a stage, and a necessary one. I'm working on it. Sometimes it's only for a few minutes, sometimes longer. I find myself saying, " Man... I look forward to the day when I won't be having to talk about this ( SM, divorce, manipulative controller) so much, and I can be a fun person to be with again". Then I try to be a fun person. We all need to vent, especially in our situations, but that's what this site is for. I have no problem with anyone needing to do this, but not on a dating site. I may give my time and attention to someone here, or on SW, who needs a compassionate ear, but my purpose for being on a dating site is different. I ask this with all sincerity, since I have zero experience at dating sites, or dating. What's going to make a dating site different? Just a few guesses.... Your looking for confidence. Your looking for someone who's way past that. You would find that a big turn off? Or you wouldn't mind mind some venting after you get to know the person on a date? It just sounds confusing. Not meant to be offensive in any way. One of those mind reading expectation things? Help me understand. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2017 23:21:26 GMT -5
Caris, you're a very high value target. I hate to hear you talk like this. You're fit as a fiddle. Sharp as a whip. You're kind. You're deep. You're interesting. The fact that you're way smarter than 97.6% of the men you're likely to encounter is your problem. It puts you in a special, albeit very frustrating, market segment. I know women like you. A few. Very few. But that's what makes you so neat. Your capacity for joy is also greater. Please follow your advice and wait for the right guy. He'll be great when you find him.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 14, 2017 11:29:50 GMT -5
Amen, Caris - no more crumbs! That should be the motto of all Post-SM'ers.
You got this.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 14, 2017 11:34:13 GMT -5
We all need to vent, especially in our situations, but that's what this site is for. I have no problem with anyone needing to do this, but not on a dating site. I may give my time and attention to someone here, or on SW, who needs a compassionate ear, but my purpose for being on a dating site is different. I ask this with all sincerity, since I have zero experience at dating sites, or dating. What's going to make a dating site different? Just a few guesses.... Your looking for confidence. Your looking for someone who's way past that. You would find that a big turn off? Or you wouldn't mind mind some venting after you get to know the person on a date? It just sounds confusing. Not meant to be offensive in any way. One of those mind reading expectation things? Help me understand. I am not Caris, but can I jump in the conversation?  #1. Just be yourself. You are where you are in the process, just be you. Some people will get and understand you, others will not. Let the ones who don't get you go. With that said .... I went on a date once where the man was talking about his ex THE ENTIRE TIME. (no exaggeration) It was a major turn off. Obviously, it was fresh, obviously, he loved her, obviously he was hurting. We had coffee, he talked and vented, we hugged and went our separate ways. I hold no hard feelings for him, that's where he was in the process. I chose not to engage with a secondd date when he asked, I just said, "I don't feel a connection here" and wished him luck. Don't worry about impressing. Just be you. It all works out in the end. |
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Post by Caris on Aug 14, 2017 12:52:04 GMT -5
We all need to vent, especially in our situations, but that's what this site is for. I have no problem with anyone needing to do this, but not on a dating site. I may give my time and attention to someone here, or on SW, who needs a compassionate ear, but my purpose for being on a dating site is different. I ask this with all sincerity, since I have zero experience at dating sites, or dating. What's going to make a dating site different? Just a few guesses.... Your looking for confidence. Your looking for someone who's way past that. You would find that a big turn off? Or you wouldn't mind mind some venting after you get to know the person on a date? It just sounds confusing. Not meant to be offensive in any way. One of those mind reading expectation things? Help me understand. What I meant is this forum is specifically a support group, so one expects people to vent and/or share their experiences. Sometimes one gets support, and another time, one gives support because we have a sexless marriage in common. A dating site is not a support group. My expectations are different for a dating site than a support group. I expect a man to contact me because he is attracted to ME in some way, and wants to know me better because he liked my profile. I don't expect men to come to me for the sole reason to vent about their past dates that went sour, and have no interest in me other than use me as a sounding board. That's wasting my time. Both sites have a primary purpose, and they are different. I hope that's clarified your understanding, GC. If not, let me know. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 14, 2017 13:06:03 GMT -5
If a person vented on any of the first couple of dates, i wouldn't go out with them again. Those first dates are get to know each other opportunities to put one's best foot forward. A person who used that opportunity for a vent fest would seem too unhappy or to have too much baggage for me to spend time with.
I'd assume I was seeing him at his best, and his best was being a constant complainer.
If one needs to vent, talk to a counselor or good friend or vent here, not to someone you are wooing.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 15, 2017 10:52:46 GMT -5
If a person vented on any of the first couple of dates, i wouldn't go out with them again. Those first dates are get to know each other opportunities to put one's best foot forward. A person who used that opportunity for a vent fest would seem too unhappy or to have too much baggage for me to spend time with. I'd assume I was seeing him at his best, and his best was being a constant complainer. If one needs to vent, talk to a counselor or good friend or vent here, not to someone you are wooing. Okay....then help me with this. Right now, for me, the flames of divorce are very high. I have HOPE for the time when there's just some smoldering embers. I will consider those embers as baggage that will always be there. That brings to mind several examples. There's the two people who are still in the flames of divorce (or a few days out of one) but get much comfort mentally, physically by sharing all their problems with each other. They find someone who really gets it, and it becomes an even time of giving and receiving. Venting happens 100% along with times of happiness and healing. A moment to forget the past and present. A hope for the future. Then theirs the person who has been divorced for a year or so. They hardly talk about it, feel that it needs to remain hidden. They find themselves wearing a false mask, because no one is going to want to go on a date with them if they show even the least bit of honest self doubt. What do you think is going to happen to that person? Do you think hiding behind all that false hood of self confidence is going to work out for very long? It sounds to me like they are heading down another path of self destruction. I see a person venting on me as an opportunity. That person is putting trust in me and is offering trust back by being vulnerable. compared to the person who will never admit that their was ever anything wrong. There is a great reluctance in our society to reach out, to touch others, to show affection, probably for a variety of reasons, such as fear of rejection, worry about invading anothers personal space. and an over emphasis on sex. Many people are not aware of the difference between affectionate touching and sexual touching, so they avoid touching and hugging all together. Other societies never had or have overcome this hang up and are more comfortable with affectionate touch. A warm and meaningful hug from a friend reinforces far more than spoken words can. A hug helps heal emotional wounds and can help improve self concept rapidly. It frees us, warms us inside, heightens are feelings of self worth, "I'm worthwhile enough to be hugged!" may be one of the nicest messages we can hear. Some people just need to be told, " it's okay, you can do that again, you won't be rejected". If you can overcome any fear you have of touching and even asking for a hug when you need one, you will make a big step toward improving your regard for yourself - and will enjoy the process as well. Some of the most significant growth people can experience after divorce is accomplished while communicating with close friends. Ask for and give honest feedback about each other.Say things that you never said to anyone before. Call it as you see it. Such a dialogue provides a mirror for you to see yourself as others see you. As is said on here many times, "be your true self, warts and all. If that person doesn't like you, then that's their problem." See so this also makes me highly skeptical when or if I meet Mr. or Ms. Highly confident, always has their act together, who will never admit that they could possibly have a flaw or any kind of past problems. |
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) Yet at the same time I know I really don't want that to happen. It's a stage, and a necessary one. I'm working on it.
