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Post by obobfla on Jul 15, 2017 9:59:28 GMT -5
I am an avid reader of Slate's Dear Prudence advice column. Thought one letter and response was appropriate here:
Dear Prudence,
My husband refuses all forms of intimacy, including touching and kissing. He rolls his eyes when I ask for a hug. He makes fun of me for wanting to be touched. When we sleep he puts a wall of pillows between us. This is not new, but his disgust for touching me is more intense than it was. He is a hard drinker, and I believe that has a lot to do with it. He wields our lack of intimacy as a weapon, and when I try to talk about it, he becomes angry and starts arguments about other subjects. I do not want to fight anymore, so I’ve stopped trying to talk about it. I am lonely and feel like I am married but forced into a prison. I am a young woman, and this lack of intimacy is tearing me apart. I know he is not having an affair. I know that if I had an affair and he found out it would crush him, and so would a divorce. What am I supposed to do? I did not get married to become a nun. Please help.
–No Touching
Leave him. Let him be crushed. He is crushing you every minute of the day. A man who mocks and belittles his partner for asking for a hug is a man who deserves to be very much alone for the rest of his life. I don’t know what his problem with intimacy is, but it’s not worth sticking around to try to find out. Run.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 15, 2017 10:09:20 GMT -5
Yikes. No beating around the bush there.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 12:24:31 GMT -5
A hundred people here could have written that story. And the answer is the only correct answer possible.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 12:26:31 GMT -5
There are people that have no business being In a relationship. Yet it's so hard for their partners to get that. At least many partners.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 15, 2017 13:11:59 GMT -5
A hundred people here could have written that story. And the answer is the only correct answer possible. So then do you think assigning any merit to the other two options available to those of us in an SM (stay and deal with it; stay and outsource) are lip service only? |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 15, 2017 13:23:44 GMT -5
A hundred people here could have written that story. And the answer is the only correct answer possible. So then do you think assigning any merit to the other two options available to those of us in an SM (stay and deal with it; stay and outsource) are lip service only? I think they are stages a lot of us try to work on... but truly, they cannot result in long term happiness and fulfilling satisfaction...can they? |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 13:24:37 GMT -5
A hundred people here could have written that story. And the answer is the only correct answer possible. So then do you think assigning any merit to the other two options available to those of us in an SM (stay and deal with it; stay and outsource) are lip service only? It is the only answer that solves the problem. Grit your teeth and bear it is not a good solution. It is a form of masochism. Outsourcing is not a lifelong solution. You have hundreds of people here. No one here has found outsourcing to be a permanent solution. At best a temporary bandaid. To ease the pain while the inevitable divorce is executed. You are in your 30s. You can expect another 40 years with your partner. Can you envision another 40 years of celibacy? Can you imagine running a series of secret affairs for the next 40 years? The mistake I made, and I think most make is not fully comprehending the implications, over the long haul, of not leaving. Staying or outsourcing are valid choices but I don't believe they are likely to be solutions for the long haul. Just my opinion. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 15, 2017 13:31:34 GMT -5
So then do you think assigning any merit to the other two options available to those of us in an SM (stay and deal with it; stay and outsource) are lip service only? It is the only answer that solves the problem. Grit your teeth and bear it is not a good solution. It is a form of masochism. Outsourcing is not a lifelong solution. You have hundreds of people here. No one here has found outsourcing to be a permanent solution. At best a temporary bandaid. To ease the pain while the inevitable divorce is executed. You are in your 30s. You can expect another 40 years with your partner. Can you envision another 40 years of celibacy? Can you imagine running a series of secret affairs for the next 40 years? The mistake I made, and I think most make is not fully comprehending the implications, over the long haul, of not leaving. Staying or outsourcing are valid choices but I don't believe they are likely to be solutions for the long haul. Just my opinion. This is helpful, thanks beachguy . It would also be helpful to hear from you and others the true "implications, over the long haul, of not leaving". And to answer your question: No, I cannot envision another 40 yrs of celibacy nor can I imagine secret affairs for the next 40 yrs. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 13:33:41 GMT -5
So then do you think assigning any merit to the other two options available to those of us in an SM (stay and deal with it; stay and outsource) are lip service only? I think they are stages a lot of us try to work on... but truly, they cannot result in long term happiness and fulfilling satisfaction...can they? Well put, EO. I admire your brevity. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 13:36:24 GMT -5
It is the only answer that solves the problem. Grit your teeth and bear it is not a good solution. It is a form of masochism. Outsourcing is not a lifelong solution. You have hundreds of people here. No one here has found outsourcing to be a permanent solution. At best a temporary bandaid. To ease the pain while the inevitable divorce is executed. You are in your 30s. You can expect another 40 years with your partner. Can you envision another 40 years of celibacy? Can you imagine running a series of secret affairs for the next 40 years? The mistake I made, and I think most make is not fully comprehending the implications, over the long haul, of not leaving. Staying or outsourcing are valid choices but I don't believe they are likely to be solutions for the long haul. Just my opinion. This is helpful, thanks beachguy . It would also be helpful to hear from you and others the true "implications, over the long haul, of not leaving". And to answer your question: No, I cannot envision another 40 yrs of celibacy nor can I imagine secret affairs for the next 40 yrs. It is a nightmare difficult to articulate. But just consider how many here have discussed their serious thoughts of suicide (including me). That should say it all. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 15, 2017 13:37:29 GMT -5
It's the suppression of your "self" choosinghappy. The relentless build up day after day of feelings of worthlessness, of not being desired. Not being wanted. Not being enough. It chips away at your soul. How can you be content in life being denied such a simple yet powerful need by the one who is supposed to support your happiness? It's the one aspect of modern relationships that is supposed to be sacred between you and your life partner. Without that bond? Good Housemates is the best you can hope for. We are all worth far more than that. X |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2017 13:44:18 GMT -5
This is helpful, thanks beachguy . It would also be helpful to hear from you and others the true "implications, over the long haul, of not leaving". This ^^^ would make a good thread by itself. Instantly numerous things popped into my mind after 25 yrs of marriage. 1) The long term affects on the children. There are articles of the damage done to kids long into their college years and beyond. 2) The damage that was done to us by our parents who raised us in a SM. 3) The finances. What it does to your financial abilities, and state of employment by giving in to a taker, a controller. 4) the thought of starting over in your 50's, when your last experience of dating goes back to when you where 21 yrs old. 5) Moving away far from family and being more and more isolated by a controller. All in the name of " Not leaving the marriage". 6) The medications I no longer needed before marriage. 25 yrs later the amount has doubled, compared to what I took before not needing it at all. I could go on and on...... That's just the tip of the iceberg. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 15, 2017 13:46:32 GMT -5
Thank you EO. That is perfect. That will be helpful for me to read again and again. beachguy - very hard to "like" that last comment :-( Thank you for sharing. |
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 14:09:04 GMT -5
Assuming you made a decision today and stuck with it for the next 30-40 years....
Of the 3, divorce is the only decision you would likely not regret.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2017 14:15:12 GMT -5
Another thought... In the final analysis what keeps people in SM Hell for so long is that it's tough to get past the idea that "it's just sex". If we really valued sex as much as we talk about, this forum would be virtually empty.
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