Post by JMX on May 7, 2016 22:39:28 GMT -5
I am posting this here because I am (mostly) done. I am still "in" it and he is resisting but it is toast. We are living under the same roof for financial reasons which are starting to get better and I am seeing a bright spot and maybe the white light to my exit - a la Poltergeist, but still.
I believe in individualism. I do. I am my own person. But I break from it on the issue of marriage. We are supposed to be "one".
"One" implies that in tandem, you work together for the greater good. Maybe that is your family, maybe that is your community. The two of you "pool" your resources, you fill in the gaps.
I do not have this. I have yours and mine. I actually have disproportionately mine and the rest is his.
I realized last week - I got married. I joined with another to be "one". I thought I was marrying a life-time lover. I thought I was marrying a life-time partner.
Over the course of the last 11 years of our marriage, he took "lover" out of it by reducing my half's existence to begging for crumbs. I am bitter about this.
Over the last 11 years, he has taken away partnership from me. I realized last week - he removed a dead mouse from my garage (I am terrified of rodents) and he washed the dog 4 weeks after I asked. I did everything else. The kids, the never-ending taxi service, the coordinating of what hey have to have done, remembering his family's birthdays, cleaning the house, doing laundry (not his, I rebelled), mowing the lawn. I can pay someone to remove the dead mouse. I can pay someone to wash and groom the dog.
He serves no purpose. He is now not even a fraction of a partner.
Things he "opened" up to me about:
He gets upset when I jank on him about video games and reading books. He thinks books - even fantasy - are good for someone. He thinks that video games are helping him with hand-eye coordination. I didn't realize he was a developmentally delayed child in need of help, but okay.
He said he is actually in control of everything. When he speaks, the kids listen and the dog listens.
He said he is actually absolutely in control of everything.
He said there are things about me, he doesn't want to tell me because it would hurt me and he doesn't want to hurt me.
He said he has talked to people "close to me" and that I do not take responsibility for my own actions. He wouldn't tell me who do I don't get mad at them.
He said we are "NOT getting divorced anymore" when my youngest asked at the dinner table last week. My oldest started crying tears of relief. I corrected him in a "this is going to take some time but everyone will be happy" kind of way.
When discussing things privately, he said when we got through this financial stuff, things would change. I told him that wasn't good enough for me. If he could not work on problems WITH me, and we will have many ahead. then it's not worth it to me. He said I was getting "too deep" and could not continue the conversation.
I find him inherently unintelligent. At least not in an EQ way. He has no well to draw from. Not my problem. I have suffered in this cross for too long.
Please pray I continue on my good work streak at work. I don't care who you pray to - I am not sure myself. Please pray I continue this mindset. Please pray I get out of this hell-hole with my children in tact and happy. Please pray I will be happy one day too. Please pray I can leave gracefully and not mean. Currently, I hate him and I am not a woman that holds my tongue.
I believe in individualism. I do. I am my own person. But I break from it on the issue of marriage. We are supposed to be "one".
"One" implies that in tandem, you work together for the greater good. Maybe that is your family, maybe that is your community. The two of you "pool" your resources, you fill in the gaps.
I do not have this. I have yours and mine. I actually have disproportionately mine and the rest is his.
I realized last week - I got married. I joined with another to be "one". I thought I was marrying a life-time lover. I thought I was marrying a life-time partner.
Over the course of the last 11 years of our marriage, he took "lover" out of it by reducing my half's existence to begging for crumbs. I am bitter about this.
Over the last 11 years, he has taken away partnership from me. I realized last week - he removed a dead mouse from my garage (I am terrified of rodents) and he washed the dog 4 weeks after I asked. I did everything else. The kids, the never-ending taxi service, the coordinating of what hey have to have done, remembering his family's birthdays, cleaning the house, doing laundry (not his, I rebelled), mowing the lawn. I can pay someone to remove the dead mouse. I can pay someone to wash and groom the dog.
He serves no purpose. He is now not even a fraction of a partner.
Things he "opened" up to me about:
He gets upset when I jank on him about video games and reading books. He thinks books - even fantasy - are good for someone. He thinks that video games are helping him with hand-eye coordination. I didn't realize he was a developmentally delayed child in need of help, but okay.
He said he is actually in control of everything. When he speaks, the kids listen and the dog listens.
He said he is actually absolutely in control of everything.
He said there are things about me, he doesn't want to tell me because it would hurt me and he doesn't want to hurt me.
He said he has talked to people "close to me" and that I do not take responsibility for my own actions. He wouldn't tell me who do I don't get mad at them.
He said we are "NOT getting divorced anymore" when my youngest asked at the dinner table last week. My oldest started crying tears of relief. I corrected him in a "this is going to take some time but everyone will be happy" kind of way.
When discussing things privately, he said when we got through this financial stuff, things would change. I told him that wasn't good enough for me. If he could not work on problems WITH me, and we will have many ahead. then it's not worth it to me. He said I was getting "too deep" and could not continue the conversation.
I find him inherently unintelligent. At least not in an EQ way. He has no well to draw from. Not my problem. I have suffered in this cross for too long.
Please pray I continue on my good work streak at work. I don't care who you pray to - I am not sure myself. Please pray I continue this mindset. Please pray I get out of this hell-hole with my children in tact and happy. Please pray I will be happy one day too. Please pray I can leave gracefully and not mean. Currently, I hate him and I am not a woman that holds my tongue.
