Moetse Tau
Junior Member
Posts: 87 
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by Moetse Tau on Jul 11, 2017 7:58:59 GMT -5
I agree with 99% of that. The enforced celibacy with the occasional reset is an excellent tactic from an effectiveness standpoint. If it is executed properly, just enough sex is provided to keep the "fish on the hook" and not exit the pond. The longer the technique is exercised, the tighter the hook is buried (primarily through children and finances). As I said, quite effective. It only becomes a problem when the fish slips the hook and actually breaks free. When that happens, all bets are off and usually results in outsourcing and often in divorce. For those of us who have jumped ponds, it amazes me how long I stayed on that hook, accepting (hell, begging for) crumbs when there is an entire ocean just beyond my pond. I salute you for teaching your refuser an important life lesson: If you don't take care of your spouse, eventually someone else will" Corollary: if you have no plans on taking care of your future spouse, you have no business getting married (and see preceding) Yup. It sucks. Looking back now I can see the chronology. We are neither one exactly each others 'types', although, I am more accepting of a broader range of 'type'. But we had such a connection as people that sex just eventually happened.
At that time, we could do it 3 times a day, and still have it every night. I realize now, that I was always the one initiating, in a way, she just let it happen. She enjoyed it, and wasn't starfish, by any means, but she did not initiate.
When we decided to marry, I think, that's when the refusals started. Just small ones, with rain checks that did happen. Then the rain checks tapered off. Then the sex tapered off, with every manner of excuses. Then it became a taboo subject. Then I was accused of 'that's all you want from me'. Then more excuses. Then more making me feel guilty for wanting it. Then....Then....Then....we all know the drill.
Now 12 years in, and it has been since March 2016. We still have love, and still really enjoy each others company, but, really live as roommates more that a married couple.
Looking back and seeing how it all went down is difficult. Seeing the times where it was almost over, and I could have got out, but didn't take the chance. That's worse. All because of 'hope'. 'Hope' is bullshite.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2017 8:38:00 GMT -5
I salute you for teaching your refuser an important life lesson: If you don't take care of your spouse, eventually someone else will" Corollary: if you have no plans on taking care of your future spouse, you have no business getting married (and see preceding) Yup. It sucks. Looking back now I can see the chronology. We are neither one exactly each others 'types', although, I am more accepting of a broader range of 'type'. But we had such a connection as people that sex just eventually happened.
At that time, we could do it 3 times a day, and still have it every night. I realize now, that I was always the one initiating, in a way, she just let it happen. She enjoyed it, and wasn't starfish, by any means, but she did not initiate.
When we decided to marry, I think, that's when the refusals started. Just small ones, with rain checks that did happen. Then the rain checks tapered off. Then the sex tapered off, with every manner of excuses. Then it became a taboo subject. Then I was accused of 'that's all you want from me'. Then more excuses. Then more making me feel guilty for wanting it. Then....Then....Then....we all know the drill.
Now 12 years in, and it has been since March 2016. We still have love, and still really enjoy each others company, but, really live as roommates more that a married couple.
Looking back and seeing how it all went down is difficult. Seeing the times where it was almost over, and I could have got out, but didn't take the chance. That's worse. All because of 'hope'. 'Hope' is bullshite.
I'm not sure that hope is itself such a big problem. A bigger problem may be treating hope as the only option. I may hope to win a giant lottery. Yet, I keep the day job. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2017 6:30:04 GMT -5
"Seeing the times where it was almost over, and I could have got
out, but didn't take the chance. That's worse.
All because of 'hope'."
You have a golden opportunity to get out now but instead of taking it, you continue to rely on your wife to pull the plug. You have years of evidence about her and sex. Yet you cling to hope that she is going to change. The reset sex will end but you will allow your marriage to continue. Your lack of concern about being caught is evidence that what you want is divorce, one initiated by your wife.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 13, 2017 11:21:35 GMT -5
"Seeing the times where it was almost over, and I could have got out, but didn't take the chance. That's worse. All because of 'hope'." You have a golden opportunity to get out now but instead of taking it, you continue to rely on your wife to pull the plug. You have years of evidence about her and sex. Yet you cling to hope that she is going to change. The reset sex will end but you will allow your marriage to continue. Your lack of concern about being caught is evidence that what you want is divorce, one initiated by your wife. Sounds a bit like "suicide by cop" |
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Jan 13, 2021 7:01:50 GMT -5
These were buried in the comments section some folks may not have the patience to wade through: 1) The author has a follow up:
On the "you only want me for sex" I think that has to do with the sex negative indoctrination many receive in their youth. Many are taught the following sentence:
"Men are only after one thing, and after you 'give it up' they're off to the next one."
The problem is that everyone seems to forget that the first word of that sentence should be "Some"
Sure, there are plenty of guys that do this, but not all. Presumably, if you're in a long term relationship, you wouldn't be 'one of those guys' The issue becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. In a zeal to maintain the mantra "men only want you for sex", the LL may force the issue to "prove" (one way or the other) that her life's teachings are correct. If she has sex and he stays, he's only there for the sex. If she doesn't have sex and he leaves, he was only there for the sex. BUT, if she doesn't have sex and he stays, then he must be one of the few good ones--so better not have sex with him then...
2) A refuser outlook (the commenter may or may not have been one) is offered further down: myexsparamour
Yeah, there's not one single response in this post that would make me desire to have sex with a man I didn't want to have sex with.To which I'd say. Excellent! Then this Talk would have been very informative to the refused. Demolition of hope is dang useful. AND further down, 3) a suggestion for even-handedness: Arcades
"No, but it is a very important part of the relationship and it is very important to me. If it's not important to you, then I'm not important to you."
This attempt at deductive reasoning is way off base when it comes to sexual compatibility. While it may be the case in some limited scenarios, I don't think it's fair to assume that lack of sexual drive is tantamount to lack of care for their partner. If this statement were true, then the LL could flip it around and say that a relationship is about more than sex and if you cared about me as a person, then you would care about more than just sex. That converse is no more true in most situations than the original deduction.
I also think the term rejection gets used a bit too loosely. If you are not hungry, is it apt to say you are rejecting all food? Perhaps, but the term rejection typically implies a much more negative connotation than the concept at play here.
I guess a better way of putting it is that there is no objective standard for how much sex is the correct amount of sex. The two persons have to come together and compromise. So, calling it rejection seems as fallacious as the LL calling the HL "pushy", "obsessed" or something equally negative to describe the heightened desire for more. |
|
