Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2017 1:43:44 GMT -5
Everyone seems to use the word " lonely" everywhere but what do people really mean? Having a job, other family and friends around and if you actually have a life outside your home what do you mean when you say lonely?
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 19, 2017 2:42:18 GMT -5
Harking back to my many years in an ILIASM deal, I found the worst feature of loneliness was feeling it when I shouldn't.
If you have married some chick, had a number of significant life events together, and are lying in bed with them, you shouldn't feel lonely.
Yet, I did.
Separated by half a foot or mebbe a foot of distance, yet might as well have been a continent away.
That just ain't right.
Being right there next to someone with a shared history, someone you could - theoretically - talk to about your fears / aspirations, but who is unavailable.
That ain't right.
It is about as lonely as you can feel I reckon.
Disconnecting and demoralising.
Lonely.
The rest of your life you can fill up with all sorts of shit. Work, hobbies, sport, friends etc etc.
But there is only one person who shares that common lived history with you. And if they elect to check out of the deal, then you find out exactly what lonely means.
It ain't pretty.
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jun 19, 2017 7:25:19 GMT -5
Good question. I haven't been single in about 18 years, but I don't remember often feeling lonely when I was. I suspect I don't feel lonely when I lose connection with a partner so much as when I lose connection with the beating heart of my own life. And that happens mostly when I stop being willing to feel things or to say what I need to say. Usually because I am scared and trying to protect myself or hold onto something. Then I end up in this kind of grey zone where everything feels to be at arms length. That is when I am most vulnerable to loneliness (or apathy or depression).
|
|
|
|
Post by nancyb on Jun 19, 2017 8:01:14 GMT -5
I never felt so alone as I did struggling in my SM. No one but my spouse knew about our difficulties and he wouldn't talk about it. It was terrible. I felt abandoned. I am alone now but not lonely at all.  |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 19, 2017 9:34:13 GMT -5
Lonely was being in the same house, room, at a restaurant with my H but there was a disconnect. There was no communication unless it was what he cared about. At a restaurant he'd be on his phone, I made it a point not to have my phone out. I wasn't alone but I was lonely. Now I'm alone/single but I'm not lonely.
|
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jun 19, 2017 10:32:54 GMT -5
I feel as though I should chime in here, being "lonelywifey" and all :-)
As I was signing up for the site and asked to come up with a username, the word "lonely" was the first word that popped into my mind. And the previous posters hit the nail on the head with their examples.
Lonely to me means feeling alone within my marriage. Having no emotional connection with the person to whom I've pledged my life. Feeling like my wants and desires (intimacy and sex) are unimportant to the person who is the most important in my life as he is unwilling to share in them or help fulfill them. Feeling like a shell of myself rather than my full self within this marriage because H seems to no longer like the person I am.
I am lonely because I am rejected by the person whose opinion matters most. (Although, disclaimer: I do realize *I* am the person whose opinion matters most but I'm sure you know what I mean.)
I have lots of friends, family, hobbies, interests, my child... I am not lonely in my external life, I am emotionally alone and lonely in my most important relationship. And that is a big distinction between being a lonely person in general. There were many times during my 20s when I was dating off and on but not in a relationship. I don't ever remember feeling a loneliness like this until I got married. What a harsh realization.
|
|
|
|
Post by lifeinwoodinville on Jun 20, 2017 0:10:39 GMT -5
I feel as though I should chime in here, being "lonelywifey" and all :-) As I was signing up for the site and asked to come up with a username, the word "lonely" was the first word that popped into my mind. And the previous posters hit the nail on the head with their examples. Lonely to me means feeling alone within my marriage. Having no emotional connection with the person to whom I've pledged my life. Feeling like my wants and desires (intimacy and sex) are unimportant to the person who is the most important in my life as he is unwilling to share in them or help fulfill them. Feeling like a shell of myself rather than my full self within this marriage because H seems to no longer like the person I am. I am lonely because I am rejected by the person whose opinion matters most. (Although, disclaimer: I do realize *I* am the person whose opinion matters most but I'm sure you know what I mean.) I have lots of friends, family, hobbies, interests, my child... I am not lonely in my external life, I am emotionally alone and lonely in my most important relationship. And that is a big distinction between being a lonely person in general. There were many times during my 20s when I was dating off and on but not in a relationship. I don't ever remember feeling a loneliness like this until I got married. What a harsh realization. I honestly don't think I could word it any better then this. |
|
|
|
Post by seabr33z3 on Jun 20, 2017 5:12:33 GMT -5
I don't feel lonely in my life in general. I am happy with what I have accomplished and surround myself with people I love and do the things I want to do.
All of that above paragraph is focused around I/ME. Where I DO feel lonely is when I look at other couples.
I can be happy and alone, then see a couple laughing together, holding hands, looking at each other with genuine interest in each other and doing all the things that my perceived vision of what coupledom( I think I made that word up) should mean.
That's when I feel like the loneliest person in the world. Married with no relationship.
|
|
|
|
Post by tiffanyc on Jun 20, 2017 18:50:21 GMT -5
I think choosinghappy said it perfectly. Being one half a team, yet not feeling that way and being brushed off as unimportant. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Jun 20, 2017 19:04:58 GMT -5
 True story. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jun 22, 2017 14:11:08 GMT -5
Harking back to my many years in an ILIASM deal, I found the worst feature of loneliness was feeling it when I shouldn't. If you have married some chick, had a number of significant life events together, and are lying in bed with them, you shouldn't feel lonely. Yet, I did. Separated by half a foot or mebbe a foot of distance, yet might as well have been a continent away. That just ain't right. Being right there next to someone with a shared history, someone you could - theoretically - talk to about your fears / aspirations, but who is unavailable. That ain't right. It is about as lonely as you can feel I reckon. Disconnecting and demoralising. Lonely. The rest of your life you can fill up with all sorts of shit. Work, hobbies, sport, friends etc etc. But there is only one person who shares that common lived history with you. And if they elect to check out of the deal, then you find out exactly what lonely means. It ain't pretty. For me, it was strange when I moved out of the bedroom and onto an air mattress in my study. I may have been physically less comfortable, but I was markedly less lonely - even though I was now literally alone. Just like you, there is something terribly lonely about lying in bed next to someone who SHOULD be making you feel anything BUT lonely but, instead makes you feel small, insignificant, and alone. And yes...it ain't pretty. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2017 15:09:47 GMT -5
For me I enjoy being by myself. The loneliest times in my life are when I around people you know couldn't careless if you were their or not.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 22, 2017 15:20:21 GMT -5
For me I enjoy being by myself. The loneliest times in my life are when I around people you know couldn't careless if you were their or not. Sadly, there is to much truth in your statement! I remember not long ago, my W's "efforts" to spend time with me. Sitting in the bed room together in separate recliners, with either a book or an ipad in her hand. Along with kids coming into the room to watch what she was doing on her ipad, or to watch our tv. Anytime I brought up a conversation, the response would be,"ugh-hugh". Then right back to her book. The times I mentioned how she never spoke to me, never offered to do anything, ignored my words, she would say, "I'm right here for you, I'm available, I put my book down when you speak to me". Quite the manipulator, wouldn't you say? |
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 23, 2017 17:02:44 GMT -5
Lonely for me is that yearning for connection with someone that is supposed to love me.
I don't mind being alone. Seeking the company of others is easy. I send a text to start a conversation with my best guy friend or I go to the gym to be around other people. Alone isn't necessarily lonely.
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on Jun 23, 2017 22:28:19 GMT -5
For me I enjoy being by myself. The loneliest times in my life are when I around people you know couldn't careless if you were their or not. I agree! Here's a distinction: I like being alone. For example, last week I went to the Farmer's Market all by myself. I loved every moment. I talked to people when I wanted to, but mostly went about my business in quiet. That's far different than being lonely in a marriage where the partner refuses to heed one's calls for help. It's sort of like they don't really care about you. |
|
