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Post by tamara68 on Jun 16, 2017 16:36:08 GMT -5
Since my stbx and my daughter have moved back to the Netherlands, I have been very busy the past few weeks. I have cleared all the rubbish from the empty family home and have cleaned everything. It was a mess. This week I did the (hopefully) final touches.
My lawyer had made a deal with the landlady which is a little better than I feared. Now the last check of the house needs to be done. I expect they will do their best to find damages and therefore won't be willing to return the deposit. We'll see. I foresee problems with getting a signature from my stbx to release the deposit (or what is left of it) too. But at least finishing the rent is accomplished and that was the biggest concern. I think the left over of my money will probably just be enough to pay my lawyer so that is good news too. I have been very worried about the money for the past few months but it looks like it is going to be not as bad as I feared and not as good as I hoped. That is probably a good result.
I have tried contacting my daughter without any luck. No responses to messages and a card. I will keep sending messages regularly, hopefully she will at least understand that I have not forgotten about her. I have had contact with youth care and a few others how might be able to help improve the situation. One thing of concern is her education. I foresee problems with finding a new school for her, knowing her dad's attitude towards every authority and everyone with other opinions than his. Therefore I have contacted the municipal education officer, who checks to see to it that all children are registered at a school and who can help with registration if necessary. I have asked stbx about registration at a school and send him necessary information but got no response at all. He is a jerk (as everyone knows). I have contacted everyone I could think off and now for a while all I can do is wait.
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Post by baza on Jun 16, 2017 17:45:27 GMT -5
Occurs to me Sister tamara68 , that to get away from the dickhead, you had to do all the heavy lifting and had no help or support from anyone. And despite this, you did a great job. When your daughter figures out what a dickhead this bloke is, and wants to escape his poisonous influence, she is going to have an ally on the outside. An experienced ally. An ally who loves her. Something you never had. The "waiting" until she catches a clue seems unavoidable. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 16, 2017 20:31:17 GMT -5
tamara68, if I may suggest... don't structure the deal to take the deposit back and then have to deal with your STBX over getting it released (which he surely won't do just to spite you). Instead, have the deposit applied to outstanding rents and just pay the balance due. No asshole involved.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 16, 2017 20:54:11 GMT -5
Hopefully, the Dutch child welfare authorities are diligent about seeing possible child abuse. I have a feeling your daughter is a ticking time bomb.
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 17, 2017 9:59:47 GMT -5
tamara68 , if I may suggest... don't structure the deal to take the deposit back and then have to deal with your STBX over getting it released (which he surely won't do just to spite you). Instead, have the deposit applied to outstanding rents and just pay the balance due. No asshole involved. I could do that but I don't have a lot of reserves so I might need it. I guess stbx might sign if he would get a part of it. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 17, 2017 10:03:26 GMT -5
Hopefully, the Dutch child welfare authorities are diligent about seeing possible child abuse. I have a feeling your daughter is a ticking time bomb. They will see that I am sure, but I have no idea what they might do. With absolute certainty they will get no cooperation at all from stbx. He will simply not open the door. He will bore them and frustrate them with long letters about how they violate his human rights. They are more used to dumb retarded parents, their standard approach doesn't work with him. But I suppose they will contact me sooner or later, haven't heard from them so far. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 17, 2017 11:52:10 GMT -5
I could do that but I don't have a lot of reserves so I might need it. I guess stbx might sign if he would get a part of it. I assume this is an area where things work differently here. Security deposit in the US is usually less than a month's rent, so if cashing the refund check would be difficult because of H (because it would presumably be written to both of you) then it'd be easier to have the landlord just apply it to the balance you owe her and reduce your out-of-pocket cost. It seems crazy to pay your H's past-due rent and then split the security deposit refund with him. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 17, 2017 12:11:01 GMT -5
I could do that but I don't have a lot of reserves so I might need it. I guess stbx might sign if he would get a part of it. I assume this is an area where things work differently here. Security deposit in the US is usually less than a month's rent, so if cashing the refund check would be difficult because of H (because it would presumably be written to both of you) then it'd be easier to have the landlord just apply it to the balance you owe her and reduce your out-of-pocket cost. It seems crazy to pay your H's past-due rent and then split the security deposit refund with him. It works indeed diferently here. The deposit is 2 months rent and it is on a seperate bank account. It can only be released if both stbx, myself and the landlady sign for it. I expect they will charge something for damage so I won't get all the deposit back. I don't know how that is going to work out. It is crazy to pay something to stbx, but it could be worth it to get things settled. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 17, 2017 12:16:07 GMT -5
tamara68, that is indeed different. Here you usually pay the landlord in advance for the first and last month's rent, plus a security deposit when you sign the lease. They completely control the money. I can see in your setup why STBX has to get involved in the transaction. Rats.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 17, 2017 16:04:35 GMT -5
Ugh tamara68. It's just never ending for you. Fuck. When I invent my time machine you get first go. I'll let you fuck him for the conception of your daughter, then you get to leave before he even knows you are pregnant:) I'm Sorry he's such an ass. Xxx |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 17, 2017 16:16:12 GMT -5
I don't really have anything "positive " to say. Except that you are not alone. I have been reading about the high coast of getting rid of crazy. Yes even loosing the children, and hoping they will come around some day. Is it possible that your daughter is going to be much like her dad?
GAWD, I HOPE NOT !! This makes me remember my oldest natural born son. my therapist told me months ago, " You are better off not to deal with him right now. Your wife created the monster, let her deal with it, the best thing you can do for him right now is save yourself".
That is so, so, free-kin' hard for a co-dependent, giver like myself. But it's going to happen.
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 17, 2017 16:24:54 GMT -5
Ugh tamara68 . It's just never ending for you. Fuck. When I invent my time machine you get first go. I'll let you fuck him for the conception of your daughter, then you get to leave before he even knows you are pregnant:) I'm Sorry he's such an ass. Xxx Thanks eternaloptimism  How far are you with that time machine?? lol I am sorry too he is what he is. I should have left him long ago |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 17, 2017 16:29:39 GMT -5
I don't really have anything "positive " to say. Except that you are not alone. I have been reading about the high coast of getting rid of crazy. Yes even loosing the children, and hoping they will come around some day. Is it possible that your daughter is going to be much like her dad? GAWD, I HOPE NOT !! This makes me remember my oldest natural born son. my therapist told me months ago, " You are better off not to deal with him right now. Your wife created the monster, let her deal with it, the best thing you can do for him right now is save yourself". That is so, so, free-kin' hard for a co-dependent, giver like myself. But it's going to happen. My daughter is not much like her dad thankfully. But she is affected by him for a great deal. She is shy and so much used to him dictating everything that she has become very passive. I am sorry about your son. That sounds very harsh what your therapist said. I know what you mean how difficult it is for a co-dependent. I have been told the same about saving myself. I constantly hope that it is right to do so. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 17, 2017 16:43:08 GMT -5
I don't really have anything "positive " to say. Except that you are not alone. I have been reading about the high coast of getting rid of crazy. Yes even loosing the children, and hoping they will come around some day. Is it possible that your daughter is going to be much like her dad? GAWD, I HOPE NOT !! This makes me remember my oldest natural born son. my therapist told me months ago, " You are better off not to deal with him right now. Your wife created the monster, let her deal with it, the best thing you can do for him right now is save yourself". That is so, so, free-kin' hard for a co-dependent, giver like myself. But it's going to happen. My daughter is not much like her dad thankfully. But she is affected by him for a great deal. She is shy and so much used to him dictating everything that she has become very passive. I am sorry about your son. That sounds very harsh what your therapist said. I know what you mean how difficult it is for a co-dependent. I have been told the same about saving myself. I constantly hope that it is right to do so. Thank you. Without going into to much detail, my therapist/physcologist knows an awful lot about our son, and all the times my wife has decided to let him get away with his laziness. I was told by my wife that "I was to angry, that I let things bother me, my ways where wrong, let him fail, he needs to fail. Then would come the 180, "you let him get away with too much, you don't enforce things,etc..." My wife in her own blunders laid out a free ride to lazy failure for him. So now I have to set boundaries telling him, " things are not going to be the same at my house". He will take the easier path and stay with his mom. Maybe into his thirties? Who knows. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 17, 2017 17:00:18 GMT -5
greatcoastal, if he tries out being with his mom for a while, he might not like that so much after some time. His mother won't find it easy having to do everything herself. Maybe he needs to discover that first to value you more later.
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How far are you with that time machine?? lol