|
|
Post by dreamer29 on Jun 7, 2017 23:43:18 GMT -5
I made my first post the other day, and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my situation. I truly appreciate all the replies and the sense of community here. I've been reading through old posts, people's stories and thoughts to help me get insight.
I bounce back and forth between two very different thought processes about being in this SM. (And sex isn't our only issue. I have a lot of resentment about the way he used to treat me. He has apologized for the past and has made a lot of changes.)
Thought A: I married him. I'm all he has, as he alienates most of his family and has no real friends. I vowed for better/worse sickness/health. Maybe the lack of sex is bc of his weight and I should encourage him and help him to get healthy. I should reassure him more to help with his insecurity. I should wait and see what happens bc I made a commitment. I feel sorry for him. He is the only father my 5 year old knows. He is set to adopt him this summer. I can try to change my attitude to a more positive one and maybe that will help. He provides a home for us. He is trying to communicate more, but I've been disinterested. Maybe I'm just as much to blame.
Thought B: I'm young, I made a mistake in marrying him, I wasn't paying enough attention to the red flags. I wasn't thinking clearly. I want to move on and be free to be the woman I have the potential to be. I don't feel like myself around him and I don't feel free to be 100% myself without criticism, or resentment because he is SO insecure with himself. He dulls my shine bc he is afraid he will lose me to someone else. I need out. My son will be fine (I hope), he is resilient. My H isn't setting a very good example anyway with his poor health habits. If he really loved me and cared about me, he would at least try to change his habits. He's a grown man, I shouldn't have to ask! If sex was a priority for him, or he cared about my feelings on the issue, he would work on it. If he's depressed he needs to do something to help himself. I'm not responsible for that.
I'm going to see a counselor. I'm thinking about an exit plan, just in case, and I'm going to work on my finances and credit so I'm in a good place as far as that goes. But I just can't escape the late night contradictory thoughts. Anyone else go through this?
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 7, 2017 23:57:15 GMT -5
Really Sister dreamer29 , there is NO contradiction in your thoughts. Both view "A" and view "B" have the same rationale behind them, namely YOU trying to figure out which option is in YOUR longer term best interests. And that, is a healthy approach to the dilemma. All I would suggest is that you make whichever call you feel is going to be life enhancing for you in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years. NOT on a basis of short term convenience. And to be aware that your choice IS going to cause you pain, short term, no matter what, |
|
|
|
Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jun 8, 2017 0:06:09 GMT -5
You say you have a lot of built up resentment and that he is afraid he will lose you.
Do you shave the energy to fix your resentment and work through your own feelings towards him? Do you want to put in the work you build him up to a better self? Do you want to take the time to help him be a better person and husband and communicator? If you said no to any of those then I would say you should probably continue with exploring your exit plan.
He needs help, you know that, we all know that. He needs a counselor, he needs a shoulder, an ear and a coach.
If you cannot be that person for him, maybe helping him find a therapist will help get him in the right path when he is on his own. This is not meant as a guilt trip but rather a reality check. It sounds like he has a lot of mental and physical hang ups that, if you are unprepared or willing to help with, with only allow your marriage to further degrade. Although, you should make a decision before the paperwork is done for the adoption.
|
|
|
|
Post by dreamer29 on Jun 8, 2017 0:34:34 GMT -5
Really Sister dreamer29 , there is NO contradiction in your thoughts. Both view "A" and view "B" have the same rationale behind them, namely YOU trying to figure out which option is in YOUR longer term best interests. And that, is a healthy approach to the dilemma. All I would suggest is that you make whichever call you feel is going to be life enhancing for you in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years. NOT on a basis of short term convenience. And to be aware that your choice IS going to cause you pain, short term, no matter what, Thank you for the insight. It's hard not knowing what will come about in those time frames if I go with either option. I fear the unknown. The thought of looking back in 5 years with regret is scary. =\ |
|
|
|
Post by dreamer29 on Jun 8, 2017 0:47:10 GMT -5
You say you have a lot of built up resentment and that he is afraid he will lose you. Do you shave the energy to fix your resentment and work through your own feelings towards him? Do you want to put in the work you build him up to a better self? Do you want to take the time to help him be a better person and husband and communicator? If you said no to any of those then I would say you should probably continue with exploring your exit plan. He needs help, you know that, we all know that. He needs a counselor, he needs a shoulder, an ear and a coach. If you cannot be that person for him, maybe helping him find a therapist will help get him in the right path when he is on his own. This is not meant as a guilt trip but rather a reality check. It sounds like he has a lot of mental and physical hang ups that, if you are unprepared or willing to help with, with only allow your marriage to further degrade. Although, you should make a decision before the paperwork is done for the adoption. I agree with you completely. I think more history is necessary for anyone to understand. A few months into us dating, we were already living together, he began criticizing me. For EVERYTHING. The way I parented my son, the way I cleaned, the meals I made and how he disapproved of having 2 carbs on the plate (even though he loves mcdonalds?), if I would nap he would come home and call me lazy. He dictated our roles, and he refused to help me with any housework bc I was not working (bc I was in full time nursing school). He criticized my friends. And it was an absolute no for me to go out without him although he frequently would go without me. He said, "its different- you're a woman. Guys might hit on you and I don't know you well enough to trust you yet." I would just cry and cry. I can't tell you why I stayed. My confidence was just broken to pieces, I never had anyone treat me like that. I became so depressed and dependent on his positive assurance that I was worthy of his love. It was bad. He slooowwllly got better with traces of those old habits still lingering to this day. But we were comfortable and our lives were intertwined. I started repressing things and focusing on school. Now we are married. I finished school, got a job, and my confidence has been on the rise. People compliment me, I've made new friends, I make a living, I've lost weight. I just feel happy and better about myself and I'm realizing I never deserved any of that treatment and I was an idiot for tolerating it. Now I have more time to reflect back on it all and I'm angry. Yes part of me wants to help him, but part of me thinks it's his own fault for where he's at. He never helped me or was my shoulder to cry on when I begged and begged for him to listen to me. And now my attitude is just unhappy. I feel detached. The more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. So the answer to your questions is I don't know. I don't know how to desire to help him. I want to be that person, but I also don't want to be a doormat or waste my time. It's hard. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 8, 2017 0:48:28 GMT -5
Something to think on.
Given your spouses track record, what do you figure the realistic chances are of you having a great relationship including a robust sex life with him by June2018 ? Or June 2023. Or June 2033 ?
(Be as objective and honest with yourself as far as you can be here)
Would that be in your longer term best interests do you think ?
|
|
|
|
Post by dreamer29 on Jun 8, 2017 1:30:18 GMT -5
I don't see a great chance of that if I'm being honest. Hes already 12 years older than me and we aren't getting any younger. He wants more children, but that would be a horrible idea at this time. I don't see old habits being completely gone, and I'm not feeling optimistic about my own feelings changing. I've tried and tried for so long. My patience has worn out and he senses that. I know it. And NOW he wants to try.
Thanks for responding.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 8, 2017 2:00:45 GMT -5
At the end game of these situations, what your spouse might like is not greatly relevant.
He may well like to have more kids, he may well like all sorts of things.
And, he is quite entitled to pursue these things he might like. On his own.
It does NOT follow that YOU have to be a part of that picture.
That's HIS picture.
YOU have your own picture to paint.
And YOU are quite entitled to pursue those things that are in your painting. On your own.
Your pursuing what YOU want as an individual in no way impinges on his entitlement to pursue what he wants as an individual.
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Jun 8, 2017 3:05:35 GMT -5
I recognize a lot of your story. I felt sorry for my husband too. But that is not a very good reason to stay with him.
Your husband is an adult and responsible for himself. You need to think of yourself. You can't change him, he is the only one who can do that. You also can't be his therapist. And you can't make a marriage on your own.
I suggest you read about codependency en about emotional blackmail (http://iliasm.org/thread/787/emotional-blackmail).
He is an abuser. Maybe you don't feel it yet, but you deserve better.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2017 6:20:34 GMT -5
The wisest thing that you said in your post was that you are going to see a counselor and are thinking about an exit plan. Please do not make any major decisions about your or your child's life until you have thoroughly processed those with a counselor. Get a counselor who is licensed and a psychologist, counselor or social worker because they are likely to treat you in an unbiased way. Make sure that the counselor believes that divorce can be a good option depending on the marriage's problems. Do not use a religious counselor as the one you pick may believe that even if a spouse is an abusive, philandering, financially irresponsible alcoholic, marriage should be til death do you part.
Make it a priority to get a counselor. Sometimes there are waiting lists. In the US, many therapists go on vacation in August. Don't expect to be able to book an appointment immediately. Do not expect to be able to make a thoughtful decision about your marriage and understand yourself only a couple of weeks into therapy. It will take a while for your therapist to hear your story and history.
Meanwhile, do not allow your partner to adopt your child until after you've entered therapy and figured out whether to stay in the marriage. If your spouse adopts your child, you will be tied to that man forever even if you divorce him. If your spouse -- who for apparently good reason has no friends -- is mistreating your child or emotionally or verbally abusing your child if you allow him to adopt your child, you will be forever tying your child to a person who will continue hurting him. You will be telling your child that is the way your child deserves to be treated.
4. Noone -- not even therapists -- can fix someone else. The only person whom your husband can fix is himself. However, to do that, he would have to think something is wrong and he'd need to do the hard work of changing himself and developing a different view of the world. You can choose to work in therapy to address and heal whatever inside you has compelled you to select and stay and to expose your child to an unpleasant man.
Learning about codependency was a great suggestion that someone has already made. There are books on the subject and discussion groups on the Internet that it would be worth your time to explore.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 8, 2017 6:46:40 GMT -5
Don't confuse love with pity. I felt sorry for my Ex too. And he milked that compassion for all it was worth.
I need a partner, a peer, an equal. Not a person I pity or "want to save" - and I can't save him from himself anyway. Only he could & ONLY if he wanted to.
I'm out over a year now. I don't regret the marriage, but I also don't regret leaving it.
Get the counselor. Don't let him adopt, for now. Do the work that you need, to get greater clarity.
You aren't his momma & he ain't your puppy. He needs to act like an adult. All you can do at this point is to sort your own shit, and a counselor should be able to help you do that.
Glad you found the forum & decided to share.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Jun 8, 2017 6:47:01 GMT -5
I am seeing some red flags.
You are unhappy and thinking of an exit plan.
Your H wants to adopt your child and get you pregnant. Both of which will trap your together, making it harder for you to leave.
Suggestion, delay the adoption until you two are better, make sure you are using birth control that you are 100% in charge of all the time. All it takes is a pin hole in each of the condoms in the nightstand and you are pregnant and he gets to have the feeling that you won't leave him.
I have a friend that her mother-in-law put a pin hole in the condoms when she finds out that the W might be leaving her son. So yes, people will do that fucked up shit to control people.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2017 6:59:20 GMT -5
Reiterating what another poster said: Do not get pregnant. Use a method of birth control like an IUD that you completely control. Men like him will rape to impregnate if they think you may be getting ready to leave. This just happened to a friend of mine, who fortunately had an IUD.
Please read everything you can about codependency and about controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive partners. Yes, you have an abusive partner. No, it is not your fault that he treats you badly nor can you change him. What is your fault, however, is choosing to live with and marry such a man and to allow him to parent your son. You chose the hell you're in. You can choose to get out of it, not enmesh yourself further in it.
And get a therapist so you can sort your life out.
It is not your job to force your husband to fix himself. More than likely, he is perfectly fine with himself. Indeed, he probably thinks you (as well as his friends and relatives who no longer see him) are the ones who need fixing.
It's you who -- understandably -- has a problem with his behavior, which is unpleasant and controlling. Yet, you selected such a man to move in with and to marry and now to possibly adopt your son.
It is your job to get insight into yourself and to be a good mom to your son, who is depending on you. It is your job to take the steps under your control (and you have no control over your husband, so trying to change him is a waste of time) to live the life you and your son deserve. Your son doesn't deserve the father you've imposed on him.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2017 7:07:38 GMT -5
Just a small nugget of self esteem for you.
Yes you both took a vow. For better/worse sickness/health.
You both also vowed, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish. For many of us There is no holding, loving cherishing, respecting going on!
Marriage is a pledge that you give yourself in body and spirit to another person. A promise that the only person I will have sex with on the entire planet is you.
Your spouse has broken that, or to be more blunt, He has trashed that, you now have a "get out of jail free card".
My experience has been that the "church" is slowly, under there breath, coming around to realizing this. I see it in the posts and stories on the internet, and even my own experience. My pastor told me,"The church can not approve a divorce it condones it." Then he immediately said,"I was divorced before, I feel for you man, and many others here will back you and understand exactly what you are going through. We have a lot of divorced people here".
|
|
