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Post by Dan on Jun 5, 2017 7:55:20 GMT -5
From the pages of "Things I Have Said To My Wife... But Only In My Head": "As far as I can tell, the sexual relationship part of our marriage is 100%, completely, utterly dead. Furthermore, I do not see anyway it can be revitalized. It is as if there is this [formerly] lovely tree, but a large portion of it has withered and died, plain to see to even the most inexperienced of gardeners.
"This dieback doesn't seem to bother you; you seem to think we are doing fine, despite this loss. You point to the remaining life on the "good" part of the tree. I admit: there is still life there. But I'm telling you: I'm not sure the whole plant is viable in the long term with such a devastation on it."
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Post by WindSister on Jun 5, 2017 9:02:59 GMT -5
Powerful visual.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 5, 2017 9:18:29 GMT -5
She doesn't need to see it for you to take actions under your control to respond to it in a way that makes your life better.
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Post by baza on Jun 6, 2017 0:20:52 GMT -5
I am looking at that photo of the half dead tree.
From this straight ahead viewpoint, I am imagining your missus standing over on the left hand side looking directly at the tree and concluding "it looks fine".
I imagine you over on the right hand side looking directly at the tree and concluding "it looks dead".
You are both as *right* as each other in your conclusions from your different perspectives.
And, you are both entitled to take whatever actions you feel appropriate from your observation points.
In an ILIASM scenario, you are best served to forget any notion of who is *right*or who is *wrong*.
Your missus is entitled to her viewpoint.
You are entitled to yours.
If she is dissatisfied with the situation, she is perfectly entitled to take whatever actions she thinks appropriate, whether you like it or not.
If you are dissatisfied with the situation, you are quite entitled to take whatever actions you deem appropriate, whether she likes it or not.
There does NOT have to be mutual agreement that the tree is in terminal decline.
If one of you thinks that, that's enough.
Rarely, there can be mutual assent that the tree is in terminal decline and chainsawing the thing down can be a mutual task.
But it ain't obligatory.
One dissatisfied spouse is enough.
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Post by Dan on Jun 6, 2017 9:55:34 GMT -5
You are both as *right* as each other in your conclusions from your different perspectives. And, you are both entitled to take whatever actions you feel appropriate from your observation points. ... Rarely, there can be mutual assent that the tree is in terminal decline and chainsawing the thing down can be a mutual task. But it ain't obligatory. One dissatisfied spouse is enough. : thank you. This is exactly the "nugget" I was looking for (but didn't even know it) by posting this little reflection/soliloquy. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 6, 2017 18:38:05 GMT -5
Interesting side note: I just had a very large, old maple tree cut down in my backyard. I loved that tree, it was one of the reasons I bought the house. But, last fall and now this spring it looked much like the picture in your post.
My wife became upset about my decision to cut down the tree. She had literally, only seen one side of the tree. You had to walk around to the back of the tree to see the dead parts - she couldn't be bothered to get off the couch to go outside.
Kind of like our sex life - she makes no effort, yet wants a say. Meanwhile, I'm cutting down trees - what does that say?
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Post by baza on Jun 6, 2017 19:47:52 GMT -5
Brother snowman12345 makes a hugely relevant point. In this scenario, it is as well for you to take a walk around the tree and thus see the tree from various viewpoints in order to get a full perspective. This would be a good idea from the other person as well. Snowman makes the point - that if one (or both) of the people can't be fucked getting off the couch to do an observational lap of the tree - then there cannot be a shared, bi-partisan, agreement concerning what needs to be done about it. One of you has to act unilaterally, most likely the one who has done the realistic assessment of the tree taking in the various viewpoints. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 6, 2017 22:04:13 GMT -5
How interesting! One of my rental houses has a huge Oak tree right on the property line between two houses in the backyard. It's part of the fence. The chain links are attached to it. It's rotting down the middle, it has had a third of it removed in the past. If you look at it on all sides in the early spring it only has half its leaves. Unlike a younger healthier tree on the other side of the yard has all it's leaves already.. Yet middle of summer is here and its filled out. Hurricane season is upon us. The day it falls could cause major damage.
The neighbor is very concerned about it and wants it gone. He got a great price to have it removed. He offered to split the cost.
Now comes my STBX into the factor. This involves money. A tree she's never seen, a neighbor she's never met, a thought that is no concern to her, except the control of the money. Much like our SM. She plucked over 60% of the rental account, and did who knows what with it, when the money could have been spent on removing the tree, which is still standing. Kind of like the denial in the picture.
Not her problem, not her concern, no nurturing or maintenance required, until it all comes crashing down!
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Post by lyn on Jun 6, 2017 22:06:27 GMT -5
From the pages of "Things I Have Said To My Wife... But Only In My Head": "As far as I can tell, the sexual relationship part of our marriage is 100%, completely, utterly dead. Furthermore, I do not see anyway it can be revitalized. It is as if there is this [formerly] lovely tree, but a large portion of it has withered and died, plain to see to even the most inexperienced of gardeners.
"This dieback doesn't seem to bother you; you seem to think we are doing fine, despite this loss. You point to the remaining life on the "good" part of the tree. I admit: there is still life there. But I'm telling you: I'm not sure the whole plant is viable in the long term with such a devastation on it."
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2017 2:43:24 GMT -5
I guess this might be a case of -
See an arborist in your jurisdiction to establish how the tree might be removed, put together an exit strategy lest the tree falls directly on your head, shore up your support network of fellow tree-huggers / ferals, and research everything you can find about assisting your seedlings in their transition to saplings.
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Post by lyn on Jun 7, 2017 3:34:02 GMT -5
This tree is quite emblematic, yes, probably of most of our sm's.
While dissecting my own union over these past few months, one aspect I've come to realize in my own deal is this; my husband wants and has enjoyed a marriage lacking intimacy and sex. I think his ideal life includes someone to hangout with (literally just chill with and shoot the sh*t), watch any type of sporting event, gamble on anything from the Stanley Cup finals to when Trump will be impeached, party at clubs/concerts, and go out to dinner. This seems to be his ideal life.
This is FINE. Perfect in fact, for him.
In the past few months, I've extricated my wants and need from HIS wants and needs (as far as I can tell at least). I've finally been able to separate his actions from my feelings and vice versa.
It's completely his right to live the life he's been enjoying. In no way, shape, or form can I, or should I, try to change what HE wants. I can only focus on what I want. We don't need (or want) the same things.
Who am I to judge or condemn his life choices just because they don't jive with mine?
Yes, wedding vows were pledged, promises were made. People change and things happen. Gotta assemble the pieces and put together the life that is right for me.
Dead branches are the makings of a beautiful bonfire.
Dan, the tree looks fine to your W. That is OK. It's how she sees it, and that is her right. It's also your right to see the tree the way you see it, which is obviously quite different from how she sees it.
Just comes down to acceptance, and, moreover, choice. What do you choose to do? Whatever that choice is, is yours and yours alone.
Only just recently did I come to the realization that what my H chooses to focus on in HIS life really isn't my business or responsibility. I can only focus on my life choices ultimately. Tough to do, but it's the truth.
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2017 3:52:40 GMT -5
Sidebar Sister lyn My antenna are buzzing about this propensity to "gamble on anything from the Stanley Cup finals to when Trump will be impeached," As often as not, that goes with lying and financial irresponsibility. Disclaimer - I am possibly projecting, from my past experiences. |
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Post by lyn on Jun 7, 2017 4:13:24 GMT -5
baza - you are one astute fellow. Lying and financial irresponsibility go hand in hand with a sexless marriage. Mine anyway for sure. Who am I to stand in the way of someone that wants to throw money in the toilet and lie about the color of the sky?
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2017 4:21:40 GMT -5
baza - you are one astute fellow. Lying and financial irresponsibility go hand in hand with a sexless marriage. Mine anyway for sure. Who am I to stand in the way of someone that wants to throw money in the toilet and lie about the color of the sky? Is this going to badly impact on the divisible assets in the event you split Sister lyn ? The gambling used to give me the shits because of every dollar that went down the throat of the slot machines, I was in effect contributing 50 cents of it. I would have prepared to spend my 50 cents on far more worthwhile things (like new pipes for my motorbike or other life necessities !!) |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2017 6:26:48 GMT -5
baza - you are one astute fellow. Lying and financial irresponsibility go hand in hand with a sexless marriage. Mine anyway for sure. Who am I to stand in the way of someone that wants to throw money in the toilet and lie about the color of the sky? Interesting how similar, yet....different our stories are. Lying and financial RESPONSIBILITY go hand in hand with a SM. Mine to. My STBX hides OUR money, invests it, keeps it, moves it, tax write offs, etc... Meanwhile telling me, and the family, "That's to expensive, we can't afford that, that's not in the budget, that's a luxury, that's not important, we don't need that, we can do that later, etc...." Full of lies, manipulation, and double standards. (all in the name of being financially responsible) Who am I to stand in the way of someone who wants to save, save, save, (for herself only) while telling the family," food, transportation, teen activities? That's not my problem." Things will be different at my house. |
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