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Post by Apocrypha on May 25, 2017 10:14:35 GMT -5
When I confronted him months ago, he acted like he wasn't cheating on me anymore. [...] And he masturbates, after giving me all these lectures on masturbation being a sin. [...] he won't stay with her and move in with her because she can't cook. [...] I will continue doing wifely things other than sex, because he hasn't touched me in 4 years, I'll be a good Muslim wife [...] I need them to help me fulfill my responsibilities. What are your responsibilities? I mean, authentically, in the relationship you have. He's cheating on you. You are not in a mutually invested romantic relationship with him. You know that his moving into a home with another woman with whom he does have a mutually invested relationship has been discussed at least once. You know that he views your value in your cooking - which is a skill that you would have whether or not you were a "wife". Are you a wife? Really? Is this a Muslim marriage? Is this the promise you both took? Is it even close? Is it your responsibility to pretend and assist this man, or yourself, in presenting the facade of that marriage to others? It's a total sham. So just what is your responsibility here? You are a parent - you have a responsibility there. You have a responsibility to be a good parent, which includes taking care of your mental health. You have a responsibility to taking care of your physical needs - food, sleep etc and for helping your children to learn to do that for themselves. I'm not sure what presenting the facade of a marriage brings to the table at this point. Materially, I'm not sure how what you have is much different from the relationship of an ex-spouse and co-parent. There are roles and relations that become apparent later on in life. Your sibling has a child and you become an aunt, for example. You discover what that means to you. Likewise, many of us become ex-wives or ex-husbands and discover what that means to us. The truth of your situation seems much closer to that than it is to a marriage. Your post is about unwanted information. I certainly understand the wish for a rewind or erasure - a return to a time in which that thing didn't happen. But it isn't the information that causes the offence - it's the truths packaged in the act. You have come to a truth about your relationship with this man, and your likely trajectory with him. The person driving this bus is not taking it to any place you want to go. It's on you to take the wheel, or to get off the bus and chart your own path. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 25, 2017 12:28:18 GMT -5
Legally, by all means, I am still his wife. His ex-wife has told me he wasn't this bad when he was married to her.
so yeah ......
In our marriage agreement, he agreed to take care of me, look after me, be married, etc.
I pay the bills for my children, not for him. He has money that he hides from me, and debt that he hides from me.
My children are runners. I don't drive. I have my own health problems. We're barely affording low income housing as it is. His drug habits and hotel habits probably are NOT helping.
No, there is no Imam where I live, and in the Muslim community here, I'm actually a minority because of my sect and such. The women here aren't super organised. And a few of them can be more oppressive than the men can.
We aren't very big here in AK.
No, the relationship has dwindled over the years.
And now i'm suspicious everytime he leaves the house. I don't trust him acting nice at all.
So I'm focusing on myself right now. I knew my good memories were false, since he's a sociopath, I really didn't need to know how much. I still have a bit of anxiety from last night but I'm getting over it.
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Post by McRoomMate on May 25, 2017 12:30:51 GMT -5
Have you been to an attorney to see how this plays out? Absolutely - if you WANT a divorce now you got a smoking gun. Get armed with a lawyer - pen is mightier than the sword for sure in this case. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 25, 2017 12:32:37 GMT -5
Legally, by all means, I am still his wife. His ex-wife has told me he wasn't this bad when he was married to her. so yeah ...... In our marriage agreement, he agreed to take care of me, look after me, be married, etc. I pay the bills for my children, not for him. He has money that he hides from me, and debt that he hides from me. My children are runners. I don't drive. I have my own health problems. We're barely affording low income housing as it is. His drug habits and hotel habits probably are NOT helping. No, there is no Imam where I live, and in the Muslim community here, I'm actually a minority because of my sect and such. The women here aren't super organised. And a few of them can be more oppressive than the men can. We aren't very big here in AK. No, the relationship has dwindled over the years. And now i'm suspicious everytime he leaves the house. I don't trust him acting nice at all. So I'm focusing on myself right now. I knew my good memories were false, since he's a sociopath, I really didn't need to know how much. I still have a bit of anxiety from last night but I'm getting over it. His "DRUG HABITS" and "HOTEL HABITS" - Wow. How many bad habits does he have to collect and discover before you take action? Courage and Strength!d |
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Post by shamwow on May 25, 2017 12:40:49 GMT -5
Have you been to an attorney to see how this plays out? Absolutely - if you WANT a divorce now you got a smoking gun. Get armed with a lawyer - pen is mightier than the sword for sure in this case. Actually, depending on the jurisdiction, right now you have a smoking nothing. In most cases from what I understand, if you went through his phone without his permission, that cannot be used as "evidence" but you could actually be guilty of a crime. However, if he is that caviler with his phone, he is undoubtedly sloppy everywhere else. Gathering admissible "evidence" should not present a problem now that you know where to look. But honestly, it likely doesn't matter. You now have confirmation of what you know. He's a royal douchebag. Not exactly a surprise. However, visiting an attorney will let you know the lay of the land. You don't have to DO anything with that knowledge, but you will HAVE it. |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 25, 2017 13:18:02 GMT -5
Absolutely - if you WANT a divorce now you got a smoking gun. Get armed with a lawyer - pen is mightier than the sword for sure in this case. Actually, depending on the jurisdiction, right now you have a smoking nothing. In most cases from what I understand, if you went through his phone without his permission, that cannot be used as "evidence" but you could actually be guilty of a crime. However, if he is that caviler with his phone, he is undoubtedly sloppy everywhere else. Gathering admissible "evidence" should not present a problem now that you know where to look. But honestly, it likely doesn't matter. You now have confirmation of what you know. He's a royal douchebag. Not exactly a surprise. However, visiting an attorney will let you know the lay of the land. You don't have to DO anything with that knowledge, but you will HAVE it. True - it would seem to me the most important thing is proof for one own's knowledge - whether admissable or not is another matter. I remember actually I bugged my own phone to catch my girlfriend cheating on me after she denied, denied, denied. Solid proof whether by hook or crook is good at least for peace of mind - and that counts mucho. |
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Post by Apocrypha on May 25, 2017 14:21:10 GMT -5
Legally, by all means, I am still his wife. His ex-wife has told me he wasn't this bad when he was married to her. so yeah ...... In our marriage agreement, he agreed to take care of me, look after me, be married, etc. I'm "legally" married to my ex-wife because we have not completed our divorce yet. I know of another couple who moved apart to different continents for several years after growing apart and pursuing different career goals. I'm not really asking what your technical or legal responsibility is. I'm directing your attention to your ethical responsibility and the personal way you define your relationship for yourself. You still define him as your husband while living in a scenario that would not seem to be a marriage. You are vague in your description of "be married". What does that mean? Is it assumed to be a monogamous relationship - that is, and exclusive romantic relationship that also has a sexual component? If so, is he "being married" by your mutual understanding of what that term entails? I gather that divorce is possible where you live because he has an ex-wife. How is your present relationship with him different than that of an ex-wife? |
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Post by McRoomMate on May 25, 2017 17:04:53 GMT -5
Legally, by all means, I am still his wife. His ex-wife has told me he wasn't this bad when he was married to her. so yeah ...... In our marriage agreement, he agreed to take care of me, look after me, be married, etc. I'm "legally" married to my ex-wife because we have not completed our divorce yet. I know of another couple who moved apart to different continents for several years after growing apart and pursuing different career goals. I'm not really asking what your technical or legal responsibility is. I'm directing your attention to your ethical responsibility and the personal way you define your relationship for yourself. You still define him as your husband while living in a scenario that would not seem to be a marriage. You are vague in your description of "be married". What does that mean? Is it assumed to be a monogamous relationship - that is, and exclusive romantic relationship that also has a sexual component? If so, is he "being married" by your mutual understanding of what that term entails? I gather that divorce is possible where you live because he has an ex-wife. How is your present relationship with him different than that of an ex-wife? Perhaps no entirely relevant but "Being Married" - I have a friend in his 60s who is legally married but has a girlfriend a much younger lady and has been for over 2 years. "Legally married" can be a very limited strict definition and facts can be something else entirely. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 27, 2017 1:16:57 GMT -5
oh ok. I see what you guys are getting at now.
Well we live under the same room even though we haven't slept next to each other in 3 years. And every time I attempt to get close to him, he brushes me off or distances himself. And now I know why.
No, when we got married, it was with the understanding that he would provide for me. That we would be married. He'd be my protector, my leader, my husband, etc. All those things that come with marriage.
I didn't find out or even suspect that he had such low opinions of women until months and years after I was married. It was arranged and a lot of information about himself, I didn't find out later.
Not like, he doesn't pick up his shoes kind of things. Not little, annoying stupid stuff. But bigger, more relevant stuff.
Plus, he has changed soooo much over the years. So many religious phases. So many different phases of identity issues. And now doing drugs.
yes, I know weed isn't addicting but if He's doing it to the point where he abandones his responsabilities, then yes, I do consider it to be a problem.
Seriously, it's like I married my mom.
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