This is .... interesting. (also the various reactions to your post)
I can do, I do do all of those things. Freely,
all of the time. Why? Because I have left the fear behind, along time
ago.
But, as an existentialist at heart, I am
always alone.
Even balls deep into the love of my life, gazing into her wide open eyes, we both were, at some level,
alone.
While trying to crawl into each other's skin.
That is the true horror of existentialism. The true horror of my mortality. The true horror of how, try as I may,
I will always be separate by that tiny distance.
So, I have to "man up", grin and bear it. I don't care if I'm safe: what do I have to lose? I can only gain, win.
I can love and feel loved, I can experience rapturous joy and happiness (and that is what makes it all worth it)
and when I am not in pain, I do so freely, but, at the core
there is The Abyss.
Nietzsche went mad. Camus killed himself. I've lived with it since I was ~14 years old. I had a satori like experience
of my own (no calendar mark) impending, inevitable death at that age. It scared the shit out of me for decades.
Being an existentialist, I have to make moral judgements all of the time. I don't get a break. I can't take it from a
book. It's like, metaphorically speaking, being on *live* tv all of the time. *Get it right, boy!* But, in a way that some
may find strange, that is also ultimately liberating, and gives me the strength to kick anxiety in the nuts.
The more I am surrounded by people, the more I can feel alone. I simply can't join the flock - put me in a church, put
me into a political rally, put me into a ballroom, and I'll likely be the one edging towards the edge. "let me out of here".
A deep one-on-one is more my thing, or a small group.
Although - I've never tried being buried under a pile of warm, naked bodies. Certainly, full body contact with a warm
naked body does take some of the sting out of it.
