|
|
Post by McRoomMate on May 9, 2017 0:52:07 GMT -5
Here is an Excerpt from the Article / Interviewer with Sociologist Dr. Donnelly: Professor Denise A. Donnelly who is very successfully building a case that a sexless marriage may not only be a deciding factor for divorce, but a state that a marriage has little chance of ever recovering from. "Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations," she says. "I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling." Full article here: www.yourtango.com/200922761/does-marriage-ever-recover-lack-sex |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on May 9, 2017 1:20:35 GMT -5
The NY Times article has more details.
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 9, 2017 2:18:27 GMT -5
Hell yes!
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on May 9, 2017 3:01:21 GMT -5
The NY Times article has more details. Thanks here is the NY Times Interview link. well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage/?_r=0And here is an ENDORSEMENT in the "Comments Section" - Way to go @dan Dan April 28, 2016 · 4:15 pm One resource for those in sexless marriages: “ILIASM Forum”. (Google it). ILIASM stands for “I Live In A Sexless Marriage”. Peer help, peer support; discussion board format. Good-natured supportive folks. Share your struggles, and enjoy the camaraderie. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 9, 2017 3:29:43 GMT -5
The conclusions drawn by "Professor Denise A. Donnelly" would not surprise any long term member of this group.
Story after story after story in here say the same thing.
Just about everyone who joins as a new member hopes that *they* are going to be the 1 in 1,600 that recover.
And 1,599 times, such hopes are dashed.
Far and away the most likely fate of an ILIASM deal, is that it continues on unchanged indefinitely, although there are a few that result in divorce.
|
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on May 9, 2017 7:27:48 GMT -5
pretty much confirms that somewhere near the last 24 years have been a complete waste of time, for me anyway. I've just got to get my action plan together...... whats the swish industry term ? Exit strategy !! Yippee
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on May 9, 2017 8:00:37 GMT -5
The conclusions drawn by "Professor Denise A. Donnelly" would not surprise any long term member of this group. Story after story after story in here say the same thing. Just about everyone who joins as a new member hopes that *they* are going to be the 1 in 1,600 that recover. And 1,599 times, such hopes are dashed. Far and away the most likely fate of an ILIASM deal, is that it continues on unchanged indefinitely, although there are a few that result in divorce. I think that for those who find their way here, that is probably the case. However I think if there were less stigma regarding this and it could be caught earlier more marriages could be saved. Of course for some, especially those like mine in the bait and switch category, earlier would mean before the marriage portion of the relationship started. Although I don't consider my marriage a total waste of time as another poster said. There are two wonderful kids walking this planet because of it. But the relationship itself? Perhaps. |
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on May 9, 2017 8:30:46 GMT -5
I didn't read the article yet, but I agree with the quote you pulled from it, 100%, without a doubt. I think the key is knowing this before one jumps into marriage, but it becomes a hindsight lesson. If I had kids, I'd talk seriously about this. I tried a little bit with my husband's daughters before they got married. Neither of us see much hope for either couple (breaking up multiple times before marrying never leads to long/happy from what we have seen, but what do we know?). We see them making the same damn mistakes we did. Live and learn.
|
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 9, 2017 8:31:33 GMT -5
I agree that for most people here, the chance of turning thier marriage around is almost impossible. Waiting years or even months to try to get thier partner to change has left a lot of baggage between them. Also a lot of the partners don't want to change, which is the kids off death.
I confronted my wife when it was starting to get less then once a month. She says she is willing to change, but time will reveal the real actions and not the words I want to hear.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on May 9, 2017 8:48:49 GMT -5
I left and I'm happier.
I do not have a romantic relationship with anyone but I didn't have that with my ex.
What I do have is a chance to one day have a romantic relationship.
My life is better now because
1) I'm not under the same roof with him. The SM really turned our marriage into a shithole. We did not respect each other and all emotions were so negative.
2) if the opportunity arises (pun intended) for sex then I can enjoy that.
3) shamefully said, but I enjoy the weekends twice a month without my children
There are a lot of other benefits of not being in that dysfunctional house but those 3 are my biggest.
Happiness is within. You can't get it from another person.
|
|
|
|
Post by McRoomMate on May 9, 2017 10:09:57 GMT -5
I left and I'm happier. I do not have a romantic relationship with anyone but I didn't have that with my ex. What I do have is a chance to one day have a romantic relationship. My life is better now because 1) I'm not under the same roof with him. The SM really turned our marriage into a shithole. We did not respect each other and all emotions were so negative. 2) if the opportunity arises (pun intended) for sex then I can enjoy that. 3) shamefully said, but I enjoy the weekends twice a month without my children There are a lot of other benefits of not being in that dysfunctional house but those 3 are my biggest. Happiness is within. You can't get it from another person. Happiness is within. Oh yes, true so true. Not to get religious but the "Kingdom of God is within you" for that matter too. The growth it comes from within. Amen and right on! |
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on May 9, 2017 12:40:35 GMT -5
When it first twigged that I was in a sexless marriage, I thought I was at the beginning of a process and had time and will to course-correct, now that I had identified the problem.
I did not realize that I was at the END of the process.
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on May 9, 2017 15:07:22 GMT -5
I'm leaving and I'm happy at the prospect. With hindsight(cue gales of laughter) my wife was never going to change and neither was I. I like sex; it's important to me.
These marriages can't be mended, can't be fixed. In theory you either put up with shit or get out; in practice, I think most people here are like me and do both - you put up with shit until you can't take any more of your life being wasted and then you get out.
And boy does it feel GOOD (and I'm not completely free yet!).
The benefit of articles like this is that they push this situation further into the mainstream. Although how far the mainstream will allow it, is open to debate as sex is used to sell just about anything and is used to reinforce the pernicious myth that we are all going at it 'hammer and tongs.
Perhaps the subject of another thread
Oooh I think I've just got something off my chest!
|
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 9, 2017 15:32:13 GMT -5
These marriages can't be mended, can't be fixed. In theory you either put up with shit or get out; in practice, I think most people here are like me and do both - you put up with shit until you can't take any more of your life being wasted and then you get out. A million times this. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2017 15:44:29 GMT -5
I like her statement that the more sex a couple has, the more satisfied they are. This correlates with what many other marriage experts have found; that marital satisfaction increases with sexual satisfaction.
|
|
