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Post by sweetplumeria on May 2, 2017 3:00:12 GMT -5
After 22 years I still dont know the right course of action.
My birthday was this last Sunday. My husband found out because my son called home to wish me a happy birthday.
I suppose my feelings of being found out might say it all? After 22years my birthday probably shouldnt be a secret. The problem is my narcissist has made Birthdays and Christmas totally stressful for me. In the past i have been told how hard i am to shop for and how stressed out it makes him.
The problem is its making me really depressed. This year he was nice to me despite my birthday getting in the way of my helping him with meeting a deadline for his stuff.
Idk how i feel about this. I wish i was invisible. I met with my family and posted photos on fb. People think i had a wonderful birthday. Why dissapoint them with the truth....
Anotheryear...
Sorry gang, drinking red wine and brooding tonight.
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 2, 2017 3:24:34 GMT -5
After 22 years I still dont know the right course of action. My birthday was this last Sunday. My husband found out because my son called home to wish me a happy birthday. I suppose my feelings of being found out might say it all? After 22years my birthday probably shouldnt be a secret. The problem is my narcissist has made Birthdays and Christmas totally stressful for me. In the past i have been told how hard i am to shop for and how stressed out it makes him. The problem is its making me really depressed. This year he was nice to me despite my birthday getting in the way of my helping him with meeting a deadline for his stuff. Idk how i feel about this. I wish i was invisible. I met with my family and posted photos on fb. People think i had a wonderful birthday. Why dissapoint them with the truth.... Anotheryear... Sorry gang, drinking red wine and brooding tonight. Been buying my own presents for years. If he remembers I might get a humorous card.. Or not |
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Post by baza on May 2, 2017 3:37:19 GMT -5
Usually, there is quite enough disingenuous behaviour going on in a dysfunctional marriage courtesy of one's avoidant spouse.
You helping spin the illusion that everything is great is probably not really in your own best interests longer term.
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Birthdays
May 2, 2017 4:07:56 GMT -5
via mobile
h likes this
Post by sweetplumeria on May 2, 2017 4:07:56 GMT -5
Usually, there is quite enough disingenuous behaviour going on in a dysfunctional marriage courtesy of one's avoidant spouse. You helping spin the illusion that everything is great is probably not really in your own best interests longer term. In truth Baz, I had to get my mother off my back. She could tell and i just didnt have the heart to say i want to go to bed forever. I didnt want her to know i am facing the reality of my relationship and it makes me depressed. |
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Post by h on May 2, 2017 4:32:09 GMT -5
Usually, there is quite enough disingenuous behaviour going on in a dysfunctional marriage courtesy of one's avoidant spouse. You helping spin the illusion that everything is great is probably not really in your own best interests longer term. In truth Baz, I had to get my mother off my back. She could tell and i just didnt have the heart to say i want to go to bed forever. I didnt want her to know i am facing the reality of my relationship and it makes me depressed. I can relate to that. Family can be amazingly supportive, or not... |
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Post by seabr33z3 on May 2, 2017 8:09:31 GMT -5
In truth Baz, I had to get my mother off my back. She could tell and i just didnt have the heart to say i want to go to bed forever. I didnt want her to know i am facing the reality of my relationship and it makes me depressed. I can relate to that. Family can be amazingly supportive, or not... Family are seeing the screenshots. We are playing out the entire movie. It takes one to be living it out to fully grasp it's effects. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 2, 2017 8:21:28 GMT -5
Question: how does your husband feel about his own birthday? Does he expect anything of you? Is there a mismatch between what he wants and what he is willing to give you when it comes to birthdays?
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 2, 2017 8:21:38 GMT -5
Question: how does your husband feel about his own birthday? Does he expect anything of you? Is there a mismatch between what he wants and what he is willing to give you when it comes to birthdays?
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Post by greatcoastal on May 2, 2017 9:27:55 GMT -5
Birthdays, holidays, anniversarries, etc... It comes down to communication and trust. Rarely is there any of that left in a SM.
With that said....Does this go back to the, "He /she is supposed to know what I want?"
If the SM is there, then the communication of needs has landed on deaf ears. This ties into remembering birthdays, and gifts.
Another nail in the coffin.
You, my friend, can see it as a positive. A wake up call. A tipping point. A chance to go out and do something for yourself with others that respect you for who you are.
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Post by shamwow on May 2, 2017 9:58:34 GMT -5
My wife is very attentive to birthdays, holidays, etc...Her love language is giving / receiving gifts and acts of service, so this comes naturally to her.
Unfortunately, I don't give a flying fuck about either of those. Words of affirmation, and well, fucking while flying (physical touch) are more my lingua franca.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 2, 2017 10:04:20 GMT -5
My wife is very attentive to birthdays, holidays, etc...Her love language is giving / receiving gifts and acts of service, so this comes naturally to her. Unfortunately, I don't give a flying fuck about either of those. Words of affirmation, and well, fucking while flying (physical touch) are more my lingua franca. Apparently she sucks at acts of service......well... Doesn't exactly suck.......humm... You get the idea. |
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Post by h on May 2, 2017 10:11:21 GMT -5
My wife is very attentive to birthdays, holidays, etc...Her love language is giving / receiving gifts and acts of service, so this comes naturally to her. Unfortunately, I don't give a flying fuck about either of those. Words of affirmation, and well, fucking while flying (physical touch) are more my lingua franca. Same boat here, my wife is great about gifts and special occasions. That's her primary love language along with affirmation. Not so much with the acts of service though. Physical touch isn't high on her priority list. |
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Post by novembercomingfire on May 2, 2017 10:19:46 GMT -5
My wife is great about birthdays, as long as the birthdays of which we speak are her own. She wants to make sure that she receives the fair share that she deserves. Birthdays of others (except her cadre of friends that validate her superiority), not of her concern.
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Post by dinnaken on May 2, 2017 13:34:56 GMT -5
Usually, there is quite enough disingenuous behaviour going on in a dysfunctional marriage courtesy of one's avoidant spouse. You helping spin the illusion that everything is great is probably not really in your own best interests longer term. In truth Baz, I had to get my mother off my back. She could tell and i just didnt have the heart to say i want to go to bed forever. I didnt want her to know i am facing the reality of my relationship and it makes me depressed. Sweetplumeria, What you say here strikes a chord with me. It took me a while to work out that my wife's behaviour towards me always chnaged at social events she was positive and smiling. It took me a while to work out that it wasn't because of me but because I was there.She didn't want me she wanted me around in social and family settings. Me the person was irrelevant, me the lifestyle accessory was. I spent years with this reasoning - If I leave my wife will be devastated, my child will be devastated, her parents will be devastated, my parents will be devastated, her family,,, my family etc. and what was my happiness against all that distress? The sum was simple and I should stay Then it finally dawned on me, poor dim soul that I am, that I was being DESTROYED by this. When eventually, I called quits on the marriage and told my mum, she wasn't devastated; she was sad but relieved that I had made a positive choice for my future happiness. Ditto family and friends. This was just my situation; I know nothing of yours, this choice might not be open to you or you may have chosen another path. Whichever, my thoughts are with you |
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Birthdays
May 3, 2017 3:10:21 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by sweetplumeria on May 3, 2017 3:10:21 GMT -5
Question: how does your husband feel about his own birthday? Does he expect anything of you? Is there a mismatch between what he wants and what he is willing to give you when it comes to birthdays? My H usually likes to give something he wants and receive something he wants. He is childlike in that way. I am naturally likely to think of him for a gift and he is naturally likely to think of something he "needs" or has to have. I know I probably need to communicate better. After 22 years of marriage i should just buy my gift myself, wrap it and say this is what you're giving me. He would be fine with it. The problem is I am not. Sad times. |
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