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Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2017 15:02:27 GMT -5
fgb Welcome and I'm sorry you have found yourself here. Some positives that I see in this are you are discovering this problem and you are only 7 years into the marriage, you still love your H, you still want and desire your H. I can tell you that if you already feel anger and resentment now with a 5 year old and a 2 year old then as the kids get older, more independent and need less of your time your anger and resentment will grow. My suggestion is to inform your H that in the marriage you need sex, intimacy, affection, etc a certain number of times. State what that number is - 3 times a week? Whatever it is. Obviously your husband doesn't need that frequency so ask him What is his compromise because marriage is about compromise. What is his solution for this problem. I would also inform him that you can not promise to stay married for another 30 or 40 years in this situation. Whether you mean it or not today, I would say it. They are just words and we all know actions speak louder than words. But at least you are giving him a heads up so that if you decide in ten years that the marriage isn't working for you at least you warned him. It's a tough situation and there's no cookie cutter solution.
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fgb
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Post by fgb on Apr 30, 2017 15:10:02 GMT -5
Thank you for your advice. I have done and said those things for years and nothing has changed. I have been VERY clear. What next?
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 15:30:06 GMT -5
Thank you for your advice. I have done and said those things for years and nothing has changed. I have been VERY clear. What next? Yikes. What about going to counseling with him, involving a third, neutral party to big some perspective? Though honestly, I think you may have to steel yourself for a fight the to get any progress if he's been this apathetic so far. Physically speaking, it sounds kind you're very active. Is he the same way as well? I know that was a big source of a lot of the problems in my marriage. |
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fgb
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Post by fgb on Apr 30, 2017 15:55:55 GMT -5
I have suggested and pushed for counseling for years. He wanted to do counseling on his own before we do counseling together, but he dropped the ball on it and never followed through. Last night after "The Talk" I kicked him out of bed for the first time in our relationship. The last straw for me was when I said "Are you not attracted to me? Why would you marry me if you weren't attracted to me?" and then he was silent for 5 whole minutes. I am not letting him back in bed until he can answer that question. I am no longer going to let him shit back and become completely silent while I do all the talking, ask all the questions, offer all the solutions.
We have always dealt with different libido levels - mine is strong and I would ideally like to have lots of sex and his is low. He has had his testosterone and blood pressure checked and everything. It's not physical.
Sometimes I feel like I have sacrificed too much. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I enjoyed my sexuality - I saw it as a heathy, positive, vibrant part of what made me, me. I felt desired in other relationships. But, this is the man I chose. I love him and know that it pains him as much if not more than it pains me because his disfunction comes from a very deep place. I always come back to his Mormon upbringing. I have tried to find support groups for spouses of ex-Mormons and haven't been successful. It's a mess.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 30, 2017 15:58:56 GMT -5
Your original post disappeared? What to do?
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fgb
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Post by fgb on Apr 30, 2017 16:05:08 GMT -5
Hello. I am 42 and have been married for 7 years and have 2 beautiful children. I'm not sugar coating it when I saw I have a very happy marriage except for being almost sexless. We are only intimate every 6-8 weeks. We go long stretches of absolutely no physical contact except for kisses goodbye befrwo work and kisses before bed. My husband is my best friend and I have no desire to leave him or have an affair, so much please no replies encouraging that. We are both good looking, in relatively good shape, employed, happy, healthy and active. Our kids take up a lot of energy and we're too tired to give each other the attention we need. I can't remember the lingo, but I am definitely the refused and he is the refuser - if I were still asking. Last night, we have our 12th or 13th "Talk" about it and he, as usual, was mostly silent. He completely shuts down. I have given ultimatums about counseling for him or for the two of us together but nothing has come of it. He was raised Mormon, and left the church a long time ago (the only one in his family to leave the church) and I have my theories of how his upbringing messed with his sexual identity. I also think that his very first sexual experience was a date rape - he passed out at a part UBS d woke up to an older, more aggressive women next to him. I know he feels shame about this and I am compassionate toward his experience, but I also want him to move past it. That's a tough one, I know...
I am feeling desperate. I feel angry, resentful and sad. I never meant to give up a big part of my identity. Before meeting him, I was sexually active, secure, happy, felt good and happy about my body and my sexuality.... I have, very luckily, not had any sexual trauma or issues. I come from a family that is open and loving, very clear and open about sex, very affectionate and not shameful or full of stigma. Basically the opposite of his childhood and young adulthood experience. I was a dancer and an actor, I practice yoga, I used to feel connected to my body and want to be a sexual being again.
I don't want our relationship to affect our children. I don't this l they get it yet - they are 5 and 2. We are both loving and affectionate with them and they are happy, well adjusted kids.
My H and I never fight and we barely ever even disagree. We get along extremely well, but the physical passion is almost non existent.
There's more - but I don't have it in me to write more. I'm feeling pretty depressed today. I'm glad I found this forum because I have never shared this with anyone. Thanks for reading.
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fgb
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Post by fgb on Apr 30, 2017 16:05:35 GMT -5
Just reposted original post above.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 30, 2017 16:17:56 GMT -5
First thing - if you're not seeing a counselor yourself, find one. Your language of feeling like you've sacrificed too much, and of not recognizing yourself is exactly where I was a year ago. It's not been easy, and it's not always been pleasant, but I'm well on he way to finding myself again. Unfortunately, for me it's meant starting the process of ending my marriage, as the sacrifices I'd made of myself for the relationship were a lot of things my wife couldn't even fathom, and still can't recognize. Then again I didn't have nearly the investment that you do.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 30, 2017 16:40:20 GMT -5
Now your getting somewhere. You started with, "a very happy marriage except for being sexless". He went silent for 5 whole minutes. I do all the talking, ask all the questions, offer all the solutions. (devils advocate for a moment) Is it this way in all your conversations? (money, finances, child discipline, household chores, family, holidays, etc...) You could be far to controlling? .....Enough of that! (Need to put that out there.) Saying nothing IS saying something. Sounds like DARVO? shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/You may very easily be a victim of being manipulatively controlled. A victim of mental abuse. Understanding it, labeling it, is a huge step toward changing your future. |
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fgb
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Post by fgb on Apr 30, 2017 17:17:43 GMT -5
Honestly, we have a completely equal relationship in all other aspects of our marriage. We have arranged our work schedules so that we both have time at home with the children and share responsibilities for the house. Out of all the marriages I know, I can honestly say ours in the most equal. He is a feminist and an artist and his art is about equality. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, but he really is a kind, loving, supportive man. But, he's somehow damaged sexually and it has taken its toll on us and on our relationship. With other aspects of our relationship and decisions, we are really good at hashing it out, figuring it out, compromising, making sure that each one has their needs met, etc, etc... all of the stuff that makes a partnership work. But as soon as we talk about the sex stuff he completely retreats. He feels guilty and full of shame. I feel angry and neglected.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 30, 2017 19:00:14 GMT -5
Honestly, we have a completely equal relationship in all other aspects of our marriage. We have arranged our work schedules so that we both have time at home with the children and share responsibilities for the house. Out of all the marriages I know, I can honestly say ours in the most equal. He is a feminist and an artist and his art is about equality. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, but he really is a kind, loving, supportive man. But, he's somehow damaged sexually and it has taken its toll on us and on our relationship. With other aspects of our relationship and decisions, we are really good at hashing it out, figuring it out, compromising, making sure that each one has their needs met, etc, etc... all of the stuff that makes a partnership work. But as soon as we talk about the sex stuff he completely retreats. He feels guilty and full of shame. I feel angry and neglected. It sounds like you have a great marriage except for the sex. Your H is loving you the best that he is capable of. I reccomend if you don't want divorce or to outsource then you learn to accept it. He does love you. Just not the way you need it or at the frequency you need it. It's tough I know. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 30, 2017 19:14:56 GMT -5
I'm throwing this one out there.... Could he be gay? The date rape - I completely get that and if he's never dealt with it, he needs to. You can tell him you need him to go to counseling to address the issue, and as was stated above - YOU need to get yourself in counseling as well. you are depressed and missing out on your happy hormones and that's no good. Make yourself happy with masturbation if you have to. Masturbate in front of him. Most men get a HUGE charge out of that. You never know - could be a way to wake him up? I'm not a man, so wtf do I know? I'm sure the men here might be able to weigh in on that. Ah... the kids. Does your husband know about your desire? Do you make him feel wanted? Sexy? Does he do that for you? Have you figured out each other's love languages? Yes it's all equal, but if your not filling his "Love" cup (for lack of a better term) and he's not filling yours, you've got major issues ahead of you. My hubs and I are sexless, and we have an open marriage that I take advantage of and he does not. He knows when the kids are gone, I will be too, but I believe we will part amicably, and still as family. That's all for now. You can read my history on my website - www.sexlessmarriage.support under my humpday blog posts, and my flashback friday posts, which will eventually turn into an ebook. (((HIGS))) It sucks. I know. |
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fgb
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Post by fgb on Apr 30, 2017 19:45:30 GMT -5
I have certainly entertained the notion that maybe he's gay. But, I have worked in theater practically my whole life and have excellent gay-dar. If he is gay, it would be an incredible shock. I just don't see it. The sex we have, when we have it is mostly good. Never adventurous, but first things first, right?!? I do think he might be A-sexual. I asked him about it last night and he said he had never give it much thought.
I think his lack of desire and sexual apathy stems back to his Mormon upbringing. He was raised in a cult it fucked him up. Mormons have huge body shame - it's a foundation of the "religion." I have empathy and understanding about it but also RAGE.
I have considered an open marriage, but I am a fiercely monogamous person. I think it would mess with my head too much. I would get attached to someone else. I wouldn't be able to help it. Sex is love for me.
I admire your openness and ability to find a solution to your marriage. I look forward to reading your blog.
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Post by baza on Apr 30, 2017 20:14:57 GMT -5
If you want to be a good partner, then it is imperative that you bring the best possible version of *you* to the table. It also means that if you have "issues" of some sort, that you work your arse off in trying to rectify such "issues", and you don't dump these "issues" on your partner. You don't make your spouse pay the price for YOUR issues, This spouse of yours Sister fgb , is failing at the first hurdle. He is NOT bringing the best possible version of himself to the table - or - he IS. That is to say, what you have is as good as it can get. Either way, you are tasked with making a brutal assessment of your deal. Is it "good enough" ?? |
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fgb
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Post by fgb on Apr 30, 2017 20:27:44 GMT -5
If you want to be a good partner, then it is imperative that you bring the best possible version of *you* to the table. It also means that if you have "issues" of some sort, that you work your arse off in trying to rectify such "issues", and you don't dump these "issues" on your partner. You don't make your spouse pay the price for YOUR issues, This spouse of yours Sister fgb , is failing at the first hurdle. He is NOT bringing the best possible version of himself to the table - or - he IS. That is to say, what you have is as good as it can get. Either way, you are tasked with making a brutal assessment of your deal. Is it "good enough" ?? YES!!! This articulates exactly how I feel. I have compartmentalized my marriage to such an extreme that I still feel like we have a good marriage even though he has overwhelming intimacy issues that he won't or can't attend to. I am not standing for it anymore. I'm done being patient and compassionate. We have hardly spoken since last night when I kicked him out of bed. He was at work all day, when he came home we were fine in front of the kids. I haven't said a word to him since I put the kids to bed. I'm hiding in the bedroom and I have no idea if he will even come in here tonight. He's got to fucking face the music and start contributing and trying to work though this or he gets NOTHING from me. I have reached my limit. He can figure it out. Apologize. Talk to me. Find a counselor. Make an effort. He's capable. He knows exactly where I stand and how I feel. It's his turn now. |
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