|
Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 2, 2017 13:31:27 GMT -5
Hi all, my name is Robert and I used to get involved when this was on the EP site. Married 33 yrs now and the steady glidepath into iliasm was confusing and very depressing for me. To the outside world, we appear as a healthy family with 3 grown kids - but are now rapidly approaching the 'fork in the road'...I can't take this anymore...
I recently came across some info re: "Sexual (or Intimacy) Anorexia", which helped me to better understand my wife's pattern of avoidance and low libido. It didn't change anything, but it did allow me to acknowledge our difficulties in a new way and took a lot of the 'what am I doing wrong' out of the equation. Unfortunately, she's had some classic markers of childhood sex abuse and
Anyway - I really appreciate having a forum I can turn to and dialogue with others who are going through similar settings. we are (still) going to marriage therapy, and being able to put this on the table for discussion ad introspection has been very difficult, but I have been calmed somewhat by reading about Intimacy Anorexia and realizing that 'It's not all my fault!'
Best wishes to all, Robert
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 3, 2017 14:26:06 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I was a prolific poster on the original EP forum a few years ago, under the same pseudonym - apocrypha.
My story included an intimacy-averse marriage, my (then) wife's affair with someone she worked with, a period of failed reconciliation (close to a year, including family counselling), a last ditch run with a polyamorous slightly open marriage. That enterprise seemed to work for a few years, with a large amount of management and care, but then the original problem returned, along with the addition of the extra complications. I pulled the plug and stopped posting. Interesting to see this place again.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 3, 2017 14:45:03 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I was a prolific poster on the original EP forum a few years ago, under the same pseudonym - apocrypha. My story included an intimacy-averse marriage, my (then) wife's affair with someone she worked with, a period of failed reconciliation (close to a year, including family counselling), a last ditch run with a polyamorous slightly open marriage. That enterprise seemed to work for a few years, with a large amount of management and care, but then the original problem returned, along with the addition of the extra complications. I pulled the plug and stopped posting. Interesting to see this place again. I remember you! Welcome back!! You wrote some very insightful posts.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 3, 2017 17:38:01 GMT -5
Good to see you again Brother apocrypha. I was just referencing you on a thread the other day about "saving an ILIASM shithole" I was "bazzar" on the old EP site.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2017 19:28:43 GMT -5
Apocrypha, a lot of us are here. Good to see you again!
|
|
|
Post by TMD on Jan 4, 2017 1:06:34 GMT -5
Welcome back, Apocrypha. Missed your wisdom here.
|
|
|
Post by TMD on Jan 4, 2017 1:07:30 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Jan 4, 2017 15:00:47 GMT -5
richfairy72.... lovely to have another UK lady here! Welcome x
|
|
|
Post by itsverycomplex on Jan 16, 2017 22:01:30 GMT -5
OK - I'm here.
It's been a long journey - I have been married to my lady for 27 years, and in a relationship with her for 30+.
When we met, she was so far out of my league it wasn't funny - confident, assertive, all the guys loved her, constantly moving and in an open relationship. She moved out of the open relationship to be with me (woot!!). The first couple of years were rocky, I would come home to condom wrappers on the bedside table, or to her sitting me down to have 'the talk' about the fact that she had shagged somebody else. I had my share of flings as well, but we chose to stay together. the first 10 or so years we calmed down and were focused on each other. In saying that on 30 years, she has initiated intimacy twice...
We had two children (both grown now [20 and 24]) and things in our relationship has slowly slid into a dark, danky cavern. The photo on the front page of the forum is us...
After my second daughter was born, she didn't touch me for 18 months, in that time I didn't touch anybody else. I was proud of that.
A couple of years ago, something snapped in me, and I actively looked outside our relationship to have my needs met - I hate myself because of it. One lady wanted me to leave my wife, so I tried, without success - we ended up on counselling, and everything was my fault. One thing that the counselling did, was that it highlighted to her that it was important for me to have sexual relief, so now, I have permission to use her leg, or hand to masturbate.
I can't tell you haw crappy that makes me feel... Some times, she says I can put my sperm inside her. I make sure that she climaxes as well, but it is mechanical... It is definitely not about intimacy, and is simply about having some soft flesh to slide against.
I have another lover, who loves me dearly, but there is something about me not wanting my wife to be alone, so I don't leave. I have spoken about the thought of having an open marriage so that I am not living a lie, and her biggest concern is that I will become conflicted and want to leave her.
This forum is probably the first place I have found that makes sense to me. From reading open marriage forums, I am clearly the scum of the earth, and should go die in a corner. At least here, you all have similar stories, and probably understand the complexities of my world.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 16, 2017 22:14:36 GMT -5
itsverycomplex - welcome and sorry you are here but we are a good support group. It's clearly not about sex and all of us here know that it's about intimacy and connection. Rubbing on her leg is not right. Sounds like you might have some codependency issues and if outsourcing your needs makes you happy then I personally am all for it especially when the best she can offer up is her leg.
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Jan 16, 2017 23:24:47 GMT -5
OK - I'm here. It's been a long journey - I have been married to my lady for 27 years, and in a relationship with her for 30+. When we met, she was so far out of my league it wasn't funny - confident, assertive, all the guys loved her, constantly moving and in an open relationship. She moved out of the open relationship to be with me (woot!!). The first couple of years were rocky, I would come home to condom wrappers on the bedside table, or to her sitting me down to have 'the talk' about the fact that she had shagged somebody else. I had my share of flings as well, but we chose to stay together. the first 10 or so years we calmed down and were focused on each other. In saying that on 30 years, she has initiated intimacy twice... We had two children (both grown now [20 and 24]) and things in our relationship has slowly slid into a dark, danky cavern. The photo on the front page of the forum is us... After my second daughter was born, she didn't touch me for 18 months, in that time I didn't touch anybody else. I was proud of that. A couple of years ago, something snapped in me, and I actively looked outside our relationship to have my needs met - I hate myself because of it. One lady wanted me to leave my wife, so I tried, without success - we ended up on counselling, and everything was my fault. One thing that the counselling did, was that it highlighted to her that it was important for me to have sexual relief, so now, I have permission to use her leg, or hand to masturbate. I can't tell you haw crappy that makes me feel... Some times, she says I can put my sperm inside her. I make sure that she climaxes as well, but it is mechanical... It is definitely not about intimacy, and is simply about having some soft flesh to slide against. I have another lover, who loves me dearly, but there is something about me not wanting my wife to be alone, so I don't leave. I have spoken about the thought of having an open marriage so that I am not living a lie, and her biggest concern is that I will become conflicted and want to leave her. This forum is probably the first place I have found that makes sense to me. From reading open marriage forums, I am clearly the scum of the earth, and should go die in a corner. At least here, you all have similar stories, and probably understand the complexities of my world. What makes you think if you left your wife she would end up alone? Given her history, albeit a long time ago, she clearly likes sex and is perfectly capable of finding guys to do it with. I would bet if you guys split up she would be out there on the scene in no time and having a ball. Have a look at Apocrypha 's stories of his divorce.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 17, 2017 2:12:17 GMT -5
Suggestion Brother "itsverycomplex" Post this in the sexless marriage group under a thread saying itsverycomplex's story. Reasoning - if you post in this group, it just gets lost, and lost pretty quickly. It is practically impossible to find someones initial post in this disjointed thread, and it is important that your back story (such as this) is accessable for context, later. Posting your story on your thread makes it easier and accesable to find. Posting it into the clutter here runs a big risk of many people not seeing it, and within a month or so, being unable to find it again.
For example, straight after you wrote your story it appeared on the forum summary in the thread Introduce Yourself with your name as the most recent contributer. As soon as DryCreek commented on it his name appeared on it as the most recent contributer. Your name is gone. This comment of mine will result in baza being the most recent contributor. Your name is gone. Posts get lost in the ruck in this Introduce Yourself thread
Welcome
|
|
|
Post by Carol on Jan 17, 2017 3:00:51 GMT -5
Helllo Everyone! I'm Carol. I am in my mid 40's and have been married for 16 years. 13/14 yrs of the marriage have been sexless( I lost track on actually how long it's been). In the beginning, sex was great between us. He was a virgin when we first met, I was not. I was very sexual in my twenties but always felt like I was missing the emotional aspect of sex. When I met him I thought to myself " I'm going to be able have a wonderful, emotional sex all the time!". Yeah, that didn't happen. I will admit that some of this had been my fault. See, I suffer from major depression disorder. While I was trying to get help my sex drive disappear due to the meds I was taking and feeling bad about myself.. Once I was taking meds regularly and seeing a therapist, everything came back to me. At that point I asked him when we were going to do about our marital issues. He didn't think any thing was wrong. I was shock and was so mad at him for thinking everything was "alright". I lost a lot of respect for him that night. We agreed to see a marriage counselor. He tried blaming it on his parents (which is his go to excuse for everything). They were not particularly religious but he said he was told that sex was pretty much for reproduction. It's not ED become I've caught him masturbating and he has admitted to our counselor he still does. But yet he cannot bring himself to have sex with me. So hear I am, many trips to the counselor later, and nothing has changed. I'm so resentful so him and now find him completely unattracted to him. I had a major breakdown last spring and almost took my own life. The only though that stopped me was the thought of crushing of my parents & sister hearts if I did. I spent 5 days in the psych ward of the hospital and ended up in a 4 week outpatient program. Doing that cost me my job. So here I sit, no job, no sex, and really no self worth at all. I've been completing leaving him but am not capable of supporting myself at this time. I hate want he has done to me and my self esteem.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 17, 2017 3:37:18 GMT -5
It would be smart to copy this and post it in the sexless marriage threads under a title like "Carols Story". Posts just get lost in this Introduce Yourself thread, and many don't even get read.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 17, 2017 8:05:51 GMT -5
Helllo Everyone! I'm Carol. I am in my mid 40's and have been married for 16 years. 13/14 yrs if the marriage have been sexless( I lost track on actually how long it's been). In the beginning, sex was great between us. He was a virgin when we first met, I was not. I was very sexual in my twenties but always felt like I was missing the emotional aspect of sex. When I met him I thought to myself " I'm going to be able have a wonderful, emotional sex all the time!". Yeah, that didn't happen. I will admit that some of this had been my fault. See, I suffer from major depression disorder. While I was trying to get help my sex drive disappear due to the meds I was taking and feeling bad about myself.. Once I was taking meds regularly and seeing a therapist, everything came back to me. At that point I asked him we were going to go about our marital issues. He didn't think any thing was wrong. I was shock and was so mad at him for thinking everything was "alright". I lost a lot of respect for him that night. We agreed to see a marriage counselor. He tried blaming it on his parents (which is his go to excuse for everything). They were not particularly religious but he said he was told that sex was pretty much for reproduction. It's not ED become I've caught him masturbating and he has admitted to our counselor he still does. But yet he cannot bring himself to have sex with me. So hear I am, many trips to the counselor later, and nothing has changed. I'm so resentful so him and now find him completely unattracted to him. I had a major breakdown last spring and almost took my own life. The only though that stopped me was the thought of crushing of my parents & sister hearts if I did. I spent 5 days in the psych ward of the hospital and ended up in a 4 week outpatient program. Doing that cost me my job. So here I sit, no job, no sex, and really no self worth at all. I've been completing leaving him but am not capable of supporting myself at this time. I hate want he has done to me and my self esteem. Welcome Carol. So sorry you are here because of your SM. We are a great support group and I hope it helps. I would say to focus on yourself and have a two or three year goal to get out of your marriage. First get a job. Gain independence, listen to music, exercise, read books, create a support network and outlet for yourself with friends and family, pedicures, massages, maybe try individual therapy, etc. Get a job and save money then plan your exit. I would talk to an attorney too, consults are free.
|
|