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Post by Dan on Apr 11, 2017 9:20:04 GMT -5
Stumbling across the web reading various sexless marriage articles (mostly useless stuff), I came across this: Living In A Sexless Marriage Broke Me www.scarymommy.com/sexless-marriage/by Tessie Castillo It was not another "how do you know if you are in an SM" article, or -- worse -- another "bacon scented candle article". Rather, just one woman's simple description of the personal devastation wrought by the turn of events in her marriage. From the article: It looks like she went on to start a new blog, the Diary of a Single Parent ( thediaryofasingleparent.com/) which touches on parenting and dating after divorce. I'm not sure if she is still actively writing it, I think there are some good articles/reflections there, too. |
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 11, 2017 11:06:17 GMT -5
Wow, yep that description is accurate.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 12:28:34 GMT -5
Oh, ouch. I could have written that.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 11, 2017 12:35:40 GMT -5
Good article
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Apr 11, 2017 20:48:05 GMT -5
That last paragraph just tied the whole thing together. Maybe we could make a line of greeting cards to give to the refusers who won't talk about it? We could start with this.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 11, 2017 21:08:09 GMT -5
So true. The stake through the heart pretty much sums up that feeling. I felt (feel) broken; getting out has helped me put myself back together. Very glad for this group to help get through it all  |
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Post by baza on Apr 11, 2017 22:15:04 GMT -5
Enjoyed the article.
But these complaining references to societies attitudes (quoting the op here - "Like most women, I was raised to believe that men live and breathe sex. It’s all they think about; all they want. It’s the woman who has to dress modestly because men can’t control their eyes. It’s the woman who has to save sex for a special moment because men will take it the first chance they get. It’s the woman who has to work to keep desire alive after having children because nothing can slake the lust of a man.") have become tiresome to me.
For two reasons
#1 - they are demonstrably untrue, and a simple bit of research by any member of the herd would show this to be so. But the general herd of sheeple are not prepared to challenge these societal truisms.
#2 - giving these views oxygen (even in a negative sense) doesn't help.
The op here ended up leaving her situation.
Now THAT gets my attention.
THAT is putting your money where your mouth is.
And THAT, acting in ones own best longer term interests despite the popular view of the sheeple is the sort of thing that will change societal views.
Complaining about societal attitudes, not so much.
Addendum
There are plenty of trailblazers in here, who have acted in defiance of societal norms as far as "staying together no matter what".
People like GeekGoddess, bballgirl, Fiery, SmartKat, greatcoastal, spring readily to mind.
And I will bet good money that the friends / acquaintances of these people sure as shit sat up and took notice of what they did, and perhaps revised their position on this particular social truism.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 11, 2017 23:21:04 GMT -5
Stumbling across the web reading various sexless marriage articles (mostly useless stuff), I came across this: Living In A Sexless Marriage Broke Me www.scarymommy.com/sexless-marriage/by Tessie Castillo It was not another "how do you know if you are in an SM" article, or -- worse -- another "bacon scented candle article". Rather, just one woman's simple description of the personal devastation wrought by the turn of events in her marriage. From the article: It looks like she went on to start a new blog, the Diary of a Single Parent ( thediaryofasingleparent.com/) which touches on parenting and dating after divorce. I'm not sure if she is still actively writing it, I think there are some good articles/reflections there, too. Great article. Open, honest, arriculate and so very sad. She says that there are other components to marriage aside from sex and lists a few " love, trust, respect, compassion, affection and communication. " One by one however they disappear too. Much check out more of her blog to see how the divorce etc came about. |
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Post by Dan on Apr 12, 2017 5:35:18 GMT -5
But these complaining references to societies attitudes (quoting the op here - "Like most women, I was raised to believe that men live and breathe sex. It’s all they think about; all they want. It’s the woman who has to dress modestly because men can’t control their eyes. It’s the woman who has to save sex for a special moment because men will take it the first chance they get. It’s the woman who has to work to keep desire alive after having children because nothing can slake the lust of a man.") have become tiresome to me. For two reasons #1 - they are demonstrably untrue, and a simple bit of research by any member of the herd would show this to be so. But the general herd of sheeple are not prepared to challenge these societal truisms. #2 - giving these views oxygen (even in a negative sense) doesn't help. I think you're being a bit unfair in your objection. She is hardly indulging in useless complaining about this harmful (ultimately, self-harmful) view. She is not, IMO, "giving oxygen" to a bad idea. Her tale is not told soliciting the reader's pity for her. Rather she is honestly and bravely admitting, post-facto, that she was suckered-in by this "common wisdom". It is clear from the flow of the article that, in hindsight, she realize these are not only useless, but actually detrimental to the woman who clings to these. She is boldly shining a spotlight on this one fallacious aspect of our societal views in order to call it to question and do her part to dispel it. She is firing off a flare up to all readers -- especially women -- "beware of this trap that our societal views have set for you". Plus, this topic is often discussed -- and the same views are held -- by many of our esteemed members here. @smartkat , for one, has often talked about the extra pain she has felt: not only suffering a sexless committed relationship, but the extra huge helping of self-doubt about her very womanhood, given that "men are supposed to want sex all the time, so if my man doesn't want me... what's wrong with me?" |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 12, 2017 7:58:11 GMT -5
I old me can relate to a lot of what the OP wrote about.
I met my H when I was 18 and he was low libido then in my opinion but he was my first and only for 20 plus years so what did I know?!
Even he shaped my views and beliefs on sexuality because let's face it I was still a child, my ex was 26 when we met. If I would have slept with one other man I probably would not have married him, but zero regrets.
Today my POV is that sexuality is a very personal thing and that's what your twenties are for to explore your own sexuality and have so much fun.
My children I hope will not make the same mistake that I made.
The stereotype that a woman that has sex a lot is a slut vs a man is a stud is probably something that I once believed but I no longer do. We are all humans and sex is a biological need.
With age comes wisdom and everyone is different, some people enjoy sex and some people don't and even two people that do enjoy sex it doesn't mean they will enjoy it with each other. I don't see the act of sex as such a sacred thing anymore either. It's just sex and if I get the opportunity to have sex I enjoy it.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 12, 2017 8:19:08 GMT -5
I think when we are younger we care too much about what other people think of our actions. I also think when we are younger we are more inhibited.
I don't care what people think about what I say or do.
Some people may think my actions and activities are slutty but I enjoy my sexuality and I know I'm not a slut and that's all that matters.
What's good for one is not good for another, I'm very live and let live and judgement free. The only thing I can't take is regrets so I believe in living life for experiences and people and not things. Some days are shitty and some days are great take them one at a time and enjoy life!
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Post by solodriver on Apr 13, 2017 3:22:10 GMT -5
"But I will say one thing: If you’ve never suffered night after night of humiliation, if you’ve never been shut out of intimacy for weeks, months, years, then please don’t say that sex isn’t everything.
Sex is not a bargaining chip, nor a prize for good behavior. It is the most intense pleasure on the spectrum of human experience, and as such, it is also the one that can bring the most pain.
Sex creates life, but it can destroy it too."
This is EXACTLY how I feel. I really don't think that a lot of people understand this. Certainly our refusers don't and don't care. It almost destroyed me. But because I found this group, it saved me from doing something that I felt I had to do to end the suffering I was feeling, without any hope in my future.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 4:32:41 GMT -5
"But I will say one thing: If you’ve never suffered night after night of humiliation, if you’ve never been shut out of intimacy for weeks, months, years, then please don’t say that sex isn’t everything.
Sex is not a bargaining chip, nor a prize for good behavior. It is the most intense pleasure on the spectrum of human experience, and as such, it is also the one that can bring the most pain.
Sex creates life, but it can destroy it too."
This is EXACTLY how I feel. I really don't think that a lot of people understand this. Certainly our refusers don't and don't care. It almost destroyed me. But because I found this group, it saved me from doing something that I felt I had to do to end the suffering I was feeling, without any hope in my future.
Love you SD xxx |
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Post by solodriver on Apr 14, 2017 4:35:00 GMT -5
"But I will say one thing: If you’ve never suffered night after night of humiliation, if you’ve never been shut out of intimacy for weeks, months, years, then please don’t say that sex isn’t everything.
Sex is not a bargaining chip, nor a prize for good behavior. It is the most intense pleasure on the spectrum of human experience, and as such, it is also the one that can bring the most pain.
Sex creates life, but it can destroy it too."
This is EXACTLY how I feel. I really don't think that a lot of people understand this. Certainly our refusers don't and don't care. It almost destroyed me. But because I found this group, it saved me from doing something that I felt I had to do to end the suffering I was feeling, without any hope in my future.
Love you SD xxx Thanks EO, I love you too. You're one of the very special women who help me by just being here and caring day after day! XXX |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 4:36:36 GMT -5
Thanks EO, I love you too. You're one of the very special women who help me by just being here and caring day after day! XXX And you SD are one of the most gentle men I have had the pleasure of conversing with long may we remain sane and soon shall we find our true paths xxxx |
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