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Post by WindSister on Mar 13, 2017 12:10:50 GMT -5
I must thank wewbwb for the nudge towards this book in the "Be The Kitten" post I posted last week. I downloaded this book and I am definitely getting something out of it. I am a person who needs illustrations so I made one for the Self-Awareness Onion (see below). I am going to throw myself out there and work through this with everyone as a live example. I must have no shame -- naw... I can just be honest. Anyway, the author asks us to think of something that is really bugging you and ask yourself WHY it bugs you. He goes on to say that chances are it feels like a "failure" of some sort. Then take it ask why it seems true to you. What if that failure wasn't really a failure? What if you'be been looking at the wrong way? So here's mine ---- "It really bugs me that my husband's ex-girlfriend of a mere 3 years still gets mushy with his kids, friends and family on Facebook." Why? "Because it's like she is rubbing it in everyone's face that she was with my husband. It's like she wants to make sure no one forgets that fact, to include HIM." Why does this seem true? "Because she is NOT ACTUALLY involved with any of these people IN REAL LIFE, she just puts on this big show on Facebook. It's FAKE." So why does this act of hers make ME feel bad/like a failure?She's an EX - I shouldn't have to see her all the time in my life (in our life). The value I hold dear: Exes should go away, back off, keep boundariesMetric that I use to assess progress towards that value: Not communicating with your ex's family/friends on Facebook after you break upThen the author asks to consider that perhaps your metric SUCKS. Stop using it if it ruins your day. He acknowledges that this is not "easy" to do -- to just decide, for instance, in my case that it's just natural for an ex to stay close to family/friends even long after the break up. I can start ACCEPTING that sucky-ass fact. He goes on to say, "What is objectively true about your situation is not as important as how you come to see the situation, how you choose to measure it and value it. Problems may be inevitable, but the meaning of each problem is not. We get to control what our problems mean based on how we choose to think about them, the standard by which we choose to measure them." If I were to peel away more of that onion, I have no doubt that the CORE would reveal me just feeling insecure about myself and that is why it bugs me that exes never go all the way away. For some reason I compare myself to them and in that self-indulgent way I come up short in my own mind. It is my "thing" - and it's no better than thinking you are better than everyone else. It's selfish thinking and a waste of time. THIS answer feels really uncomfortable to me (to admit I am just insecure), so the author states that is probably THE answer to the problem. SOOOO... another way to value this "problem" I have could be to just accept that my husband liked her once and wanted all his friends and family to also like her so they worked hard at that. Relationships formed that cannot be "ended." He has told me in words and action that he does not love her nor does he want to be with her so it doesn't matter who else loves her or who else gushes over her on Facebook - they actually don't get together in real life so it's superficial anyway, but even if it was deep and true, it's not my business nor my deal to worry about. That's real easy to "say" - can't say that has hit my heart yet. I have no doubt it will. I don't feel jealous over his ex wife, after all - and that's genuine progress. Anyway -- I am sure some are reading this and judging me for my craziness towards exes but I AM genuinely trying to work on it. In my Sexless Marriage I thought getting out would make everything better, but there are always, always "problems" to work through in life. I like to get to a point where I am good with something in a positive way. For instance, it might make me feel "better" if I value my "problem" in a way that knocks down his ex - "she's just pathetic and clingy" but that wouldn't be a true fix. It would make me feel better about myself, but that's just a band-aid and it would tear off and expose itself as a lie as soon as I was challenged again. I know this. It's just REALLLLLLY hard to change that core stuff! Really hard!  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 13, 2017 12:23:58 GMT -5
I'll take a quick knee jerk stab at this! More questions than answers, I'm afraid!
Do you need your own set of fakebook minions? I believe you would see right through that , for what it is. Perhaps, part of your love language is 'words of confirmation, afirmation" and you could use more of that from your husband and family?
If this is true, there's nothing wrong with politely pointing it out from time to time. Asking for it, and then excepting it , as true and honest. Not to fret, "well I did have to remind them".
Just a knee jerk stab.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 13, 2017 12:28:23 GMT -5
I'll take a quick knee jerk stab at this! More questions than answers, I'm afraid! Do you need your own set of fakebook minions? I believe you would see right through that , for what it is. Perhaps, part of your love language is 'words of confirmation, afirmation" and you could use more of that from your husband and family? If this is true, there's nothing wrong with politely pointing it out from time to time. Asking for it, and then excepting it , as true and honest. Not to fret, "well I did have to remind them". Just a knee jerk stab. Not a bad knee-jerk stab!!  Thing is, I do have my own FB minions --- and definitely, my top two love languages are touch/affection and words of confirmation and affirmation. My husband actually showers me with both. So do his kids! That's the thing. So I am a junkie. lol |
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 13, 2017 13:26:47 GMT -5
WindSisterSo you're a junkie? So what? So am I. So is EVERYONE. Just in different ways. Keep something in mind - this "EX" - is a junkie also - seems to me she can't "move on" when it's over. She's living in the past. Also - you can always post those - "My husband is so hot - I'm so lucky" posts that annoy everyone. Ugh. (Sorry - I vomited a little there just thinking about it.) Anyway. Everyone has baggage - the question is are you doing something about it? Obviously the answer is "YES" in your case. (A gentle pat on the back) and a heartfelt "Well done" to you. It is hard work, however, I'm sure that you are capable of it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 14, 2017 6:54:42 GMT -5
I take my STBX's fakebook posts, and I dissect them!(maybe to much?) They seem loaded with, look at me! Aren't I a wonderful mother! My kids are so better than yours! Ohhh! look at what my kid does at his church activities, I'm such a giver at our church activities!! Look at me, outdoors with my wonderful girlfriend! Posting pics of her having dinner with a child on their B.D. etc....
They are loaded with look at me!! But we know the truth, the other side of these one sided little glimpses into there controlling lives. My kids know it too. The kids don't use fakebook. By dissecting them, it just re-enforces my reason for the divorce.
I would love to see a single person ask, "where's Great Coastal, where's your husband?", "I thought you two had this wonderful marriage? Don't you two do anything together?"
Shortly after the divorce was anounced my STBX had "conversations" with some of the kids. Telling them," you don't show any appreciation for all that I do around here". That went over like a lead balloon! Later some of the kids told me about it and said, "you do all that stuff, you do way more than she does."
I just smirk as I see these old college friends, relatives, elderly ladies, and other moms give her high fives on fakebook. These relationships are so distant, even calling them surface relationships is a compliment!
Yeah, they are grasping at straws, Like my lawyer and therapist says about our divorce.
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Post by baza on Mar 14, 2017 21:13:21 GMT -5
I do have a farce-book account. At one point I didn't even open it for nearly 12 months, and so missed out on many posts of peoples "amazing children" and altogether "wonderful lives". Not to mention the pics of "what I had for lunch" and details of "the last time I scratched my arse". Also, I missed out on many highly dramatic events, such as "my car broke down and I was late for work" and "little Jimmy has a cold" My loss I guess. But since my ex missus died, I am more regularly on it, it's a good medium to catch up with my kids (both really good young blokes) but no more "amazing" than you or I. For the most part, I agree completely with Brother greatcoastal . It screams - "Look at me, Look at me" by a lot of posters a lot of the time. And doesn't have any great relevance to the facts, and often requires interpreting. Example - "Young Chuck has secured a position with a prestigious multi national business and is on his way to being a Captain of Industry" - Translates to - "Chuck is flipping burgers on the graveyard shift". |
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 15, 2017 10:02:05 GMT -5
But since my ex missus died, I am more regularly on it, it's a good medium to catch up with my kids (both really good young blokes) but no more "amazing" than you or I. I agree. I get to see my nieces and nephews and cousins. They are amazing. Also I play games. But I doubt that anyone can figure out my life from it. I also doubt that anyone is trying to. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 16, 2017 14:31:46 GMT -5
I post plenty of photos of my Children and me on FakeBook - I don't poste any of my Current W. I see that with a lot of people - heck even my own sister (dogs, dogs, kids, dogs, never her H) - I think it is a good indication of the health of a Marriage when there are no photos of the spouse.
On the other end of the spectrum - I know couples and they are glued to each other like Love Birds on FB -
FB really can reveal a lot about someone's Marriage . . . or at least what they want you to think but generally it is pretty accurate because I know the realities behind the posts and they often match very well.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 16, 2017 15:52:29 GMT -5
I post plenty of photos of my Children and me on FakeBook - I don't poste any of my Current W. I see that with a lot of people - heck even my own sister (dogs, dogs, kids, dogs, never her H) - I think it is a good indication of the health of a Marriage when there are no photos of the spouse. On the other end of the spectrum - I know couples and they are glued to each other like Love Birds on FB - FB really can reveal a lot about someone's Marriage . . . or at least what they want you to think but generally it is pretty accurate because I know the realities behind the posts and they often match very well. Okay, I have to admit, when my new husband and I first met and really started to fall in love we were a little... um.... shmultzy on Facebook. We didn't do it to brag, rub it in or anything but we were GENUINELY IN LOVE and HAPPY. Facebook is like the proverbial "rooftop" you sometimes want to shout from when you fall in love. It really is. I don't think we were over the top, but maybe others thought so, who knows. lol But, since then we have calmed down a lot but we don't stay 100% silent either. For my birthday he wrote me something very loving to me with a collage of his favorite pictures of us together. I don't care who rolled their eyes at that, it made me feel so loved. Course -- what's my history? My ex had pictures of OUR DOG in his cubicle (not one of me or us). I agree with you -- people can proclaim their love for their kids but feel they have to be silent when it comes to their mate? I find that odd -- why keep love "private?" I don't feel love needs to be "private." We are the same couple on Facebook as we are off -- his family is always annoyed that we like to sit by each other, touch, and hug a lot. It's just who we are and I don't care. I won't be "cold" ever with him and he won't either. It's not to prove anything, it's just because we are affectionate and love each other. It's how we appreciate each other: kind words and touch. We are like that whether we are alone standing in our basement talking about the progress of the remodel, or with his family at the hospital meeting the new grandbaby, exes present and all. It's just who we are. I saw a "study" once that people who say they are happy on Facebook actually are and not overcompensating for a miserable life. So maybe it's not always true that "if you are happy you don't have to say it." Maybe there are times when, if you are happy, you have to shout it! I am sure there is also a study to refute that study... but still. I do think it IS important to remember that no matter what someone is highlighting (kids, relationship, life travels, etc.) it is just that -- a highlight. It's easier to share highlights instead of the low-lights. |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 16, 2017 15:56:34 GMT -5
oh!!! And I do try to stay genuine on it. If it's a lie, I delete... (exaggeration, overcompensation or just trying to make myself feel better). An example I found interesting was my husband's ex posted all these loving pictures of a weekend getaway she and her man had with her kids/grandkids at her sister's wedding. She went on and on how awesome her family is, how loved she feels, etc. Come to find out there was a massive blow out and fight and her kids didn't talk to her man for weeks afterwards. (drunkenness took place and things were said that will likely never be completely forgotten). I don't know -- if I were her, I wouldn't have been able to lie and say it was a grand ole time. but that's just me.
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Post by McRoomMate on Mar 16, 2017 16:39:53 GMT -5
I post plenty of photos of my Children and me on FakeBook - I don't poste any of my Current W. I see that with a lot of people - heck even my own sister (dogs, dogs, kids, dogs, never her H) - I think it is a good indication of the health of a Marriage when there are no photos of the spouse. On the other end of the spectrum - I know couples and they are glued to each other like Love Birds on FB - FB really can reveal a lot about someone's Marriage . . . or at least what they want you to think but generally it is pretty accurate because I know the realities behind the posts and they often match very well. Okay, I have to admit, when my new husband and I first met and really started to fall in love we were a little... um.... shmultzy on Facebook. We didn't do it to brag, rub it in or anything but we were GENUINELY IN LOVE and HAPPY. Facebook is like the proverbial "rooftop" you sometimes want to shout from when you fall in love. It really is. I don't think we were over the top, but maybe others thought so, who knows. lol But, since then we have calmed down a lot but we don't stay 100% silent either. For my birthday he wrote me something very loving to me with a collage of his favorite pictures of us together. I don't care who rolled their eyes at that, it made me feel so loved. Course -- what's my history? My ex had pictures of OUR DOG in his cubicle (not one of me or us). I agree with you -- people can proclaim their love for their kids but feel they have to be silent when it comes to their mate? I find that odd -- why keep love "private?" I don't feel love needs to be "private." We are the same couple on Facebook as we are off -- his family is always annoyed that we like to sit by each other, touch, and hug a lot. It's just who we are and I don't care. I won't be "cold" ever with him and he won't either. It's not to prove anything, it's just because we are affectionate and love each other. It's how we appreciate each other: kind words and touch. We are like that whether we are alone standing in our basement talking about the progress of the remodel, or with his family at the hospital meeting the new grandbaby, exes present and all. It's just who we are. I saw a "study" once that people who say they are happy on Facebook actually are and not overcompensating for a miserable life. So maybe it's not always true that "if you are happy you don't have to say it." Maybe there are times when, if you are happy, you have to shout it! I am sure there is also a study to refute that study... but still. I do think it IS important to remember that no matter what someone is highlighting (kids, relationship, life travels, etc.) it is just that -- a highlight. It's easier to share highlights instead of the low-lights. The dog in the cubicle - Classic. I think it is great you posted on FB about your new life and Love. If people dont like it they are just jealous but most people get inspired too. I get really inspired when I see Couples celebrating each other and it shows their in love. It shows people, hey look Happy Couples, Hey look LOVE actually exists and can work for long term. It give Hope and Inspiration and to some like me . .. action and efforts. So keep posting your love on FB - if you want my 3 cents . . . I have FB Friends post their love couple on FB, I think it is great. I know them in real life and it is true - they seem very happy deeply loving couple. My Sister and her H have problems - I heard rumors they are staying together for the kids - her FB is pure kids, dogs, more dogs, kids, her girlfriends, but NEVER her H. My Other sister has photos of her with H and her with Kids and Kids and then her and H together etc. I am like my first sister, kids, kids, more kids, me, but never my W really - I do it on purpose. I agree People post their "High lights" - generally in my mind - if the M is a "low light" it does not show up on FB and if it is a healthy loving couple, I see it on FB. In other words, lack of Sex and Intimacy can be an obvious sign and yes, from my FB addiction, I have come to observe over and over again - not posting Couple photos or of your H or W is a sign too. Funny - maybe more funny peculiar. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2017 20:15:49 GMT -5
Somewhat related: I stopped envying other people when I realized that it really meant I was comparing myself to them, and not liking myself very much. It was mostly low self-esteem that made me envy people who seemed to be handling life better than I was.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 4, 2017 15:36:41 GMT -5
I must thank wewbwb for the nudge towards this book in the "Be The Kitten" post I posted last week. I downloaded this book and I am definitely getting something out of it. I am a person who needs illustrations so I made one for the Self-Awareness Onion (see below). I am going to throw myself out there and work through this with everyone as a live example. I must have no shame -- naw... I can just be honest. Anyway, the author asks us to think of something that is really bugging you and ask yourself WHY it bugs you. He goes on to say that chances are it feels like a "failure" of some sort. Then take it ask why it seems true to you. What if that failure wasn't really a failure? What if you'be been looking at the wrong way? So here's mine ---- "It really bugs me that my husband's ex-girlfriend of a mere 3 years still gets mushy with his kids, friends and family on Facebook." Why? "Because it's like she is rubbing it in everyone's face that she was with my husband. It's like she wants to make sure no one forgets that fact, to include HIM." Why does this seem true? "Because she is NOT ACTUALLY involved with any of these people IN REAL LIFE, she just puts on this big show on Facebook. It's FAKE." So why does this act of hers make ME feel bad/like a failure?She's an EX - I shouldn't have to see her all the time in my life (in our life). The value I hold dear: Exes should go away, back off, keep boundariesMetric that I use to assess progress towards that value: Not communicating with your ex's family/friends on Facebook after you break upThen the author asks to consider that perhaps your metric SUCKS. Stop using it if it ruins your day. He acknowledges that this is not "easy" to do -- to just decide, for instance, in my case that it's just natural for an ex to stay close to family/friends even long after the break up. I can start ACCEPTING that sucky-ass fact. He goes on to say, "What is objectively true about your situation is not as important as how you come to see the situation, how you choose to measure it and value it. Problems may be inevitable, but the meaning of each problem is not. We get to control what our problems mean based on how we choose to think about them, the standard by which we choose to measure them." If I were to peel away more of that onion, I have no doubt that the CORE would reveal me just feeling insecure about myself and that is why it bugs me that exes never go all the way away. For some reason I compare myself to them and in that self-indulgent way I come up short in my own mind. It is my "thing" - and it's no better than thinking you are better than everyone else. It's selfish thinking and a waste of time. THIS answer feels really uncomfortable to me (to admit I am just insecure), so the author states that is probably THE answer to the problem. SOOOO... another way to value this "problem" I have could be to just accept that my husband liked her once and wanted all his friends and family to also like her so they worked hard at that. Relationships formed that cannot be "ended." He has told me in words and action that he does not love her nor does he want to be with her so it doesn't matter who else loves her or who else gushes over her on Facebook - they actually don't get together in real life so it's superficial anyway, but even if it was deep and true, it's not my business nor my deal to worry about. That's real easy to "say" - can't say that has hit my heart yet. I have no doubt it will. I don't feel jealous over his ex wife, after all - and that's genuine progress. Anyway -- I am sure some are reading this and judging me for my craziness towards exes but I AM genuinely trying to work on it. In my Sexless Marriage I thought getting out would make everything better, but there are always, always "problems" to work through in life. I like to get to a point where I am good with something in a positive way. For instance, it might make me feel "better" if I value my "problem" in a way that knocks down his ex - "she's just pathetic and clingy" but that wouldn't be a true fix. It would make me feel better about myself, but that's just a band-aid and it would tear off and expose itself as a lie as soon as I was challenged again. I know this. It's just REALLLLLLY hard to change that core stuff! Really hard! I'm not sure what it says about me, but when I saw that diagram, the only thing I saw was a boob with an arrow pointing at the nipple. God Damn...I need to get laid. |
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Post by shamwow on Apr 4, 2017 15:44:17 GMT -5
I post plenty of photos of my Children and me on FakeBook - I don't poste any of my Current W. I see that with a lot of people - heck even my own sister (dogs, dogs, kids, dogs, never her H) - I think it is a good indication of the health of a Marriage when there are no photos of the spouse. On the other end of the spectrum - I know couples and they are glued to each other like Love Birds on FB - FB really can reveal a lot about someone's Marriage . . . or at least what they want you to think but generally it is pretty accurate because I know the realities behind the posts and they often match very well. Okay, I have to admit, when my new husband and I first met and really started to fall in love we were a little... um.... shmultzy on Facebook. We didn't do it to brag, rub it in or anything but we were GENUINELY IN LOVE and HAPPY. Facebook is like the proverbial "rooftop" you sometimes want to shout from when you fall in love. It really is. I don't think we were over the top, but maybe others thought so, who knows. lol But, since then we have calmed down a lot but we don't stay 100% silent either. For my birthday he wrote me something very loving to me with a collage of his favorite pictures of us together. I don't care who rolled their eyes at that, it made me feel so loved. Course -- what's my history? My ex had pictures of OUR DOG in his cubicle (not one of me or us). I agree with you -- people can proclaim their love for their kids but feel they have to be silent when it comes to their mate? I find that odd -- why keep love "private?" I don't feel love needs to be "private." We are the same couple on Facebook as we are off -- his family is always annoyed that we like to sit by each other, touch, and hug a lot. It's just who we are and I don't care. I won't be "cold" ever with him and he won't either. It's not to prove anything, it's just because we are affectionate and love each other. It's how we appreciate each other: kind words and touch. We are like that whether we are alone standing in our basement talking about the progress of the remodel, or with his family at the hospital meeting the new grandbaby, exes present and all. It's just who we are. I saw a "study" once that people who say they are happy on Facebook actually are and not overcompensating for a miserable life. So maybe it's not always true that "if you are happy you don't have to say it." Maybe there are times when, if you are happy, you have to shout it! I am sure there is also a study to refute that study... but still. I do think it IS important to remember that no matter what someone is highlighting (kids, relationship, life travels, etc.) it is just that -- a highlight. It's easier to share highlights instead of the low-lights. It has been 13 years now since my wife said "I love you" to me without me first "prompting". Now that we are in the divorce process, I'm sure that was the last time ever. It may sound petty, but on our anniversary last year, she posted that she loved me so much. The problem is that I'm not regularly on Facebook (I get on once or twice a year whether I need to or not). So all the sudden my email box blows up with people saying now great my wife and I are and I check it. I was already leaning towards an exit. That post? It was the straw that broke the camel's back. In my case, my wife was highlighting something that had not existed for over a decade. I'd call that one a low-light. |
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Post by WindSister on Apr 5, 2017 9:57:33 GMT -5
shamwow - laughing that you thought the diagram looked like a nipple. Sorry for posting such provocative stuff (and yes you do need some action if that was provocative to you!! haha). I am kinda laughing at myself for how intense I got into that little exercise - a moment in time frozen on the 'net indefinitely. I guess it was part of a lot of things that helped me reach more peace within, so that's good. about facebook -- yeah, that is when it's sad; when it's just a flat out lie. Of course, this group really longs for authenticity - genuineness. We all lived lies for far too long, there comes a time you just can't tolerate fake anymore.
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