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Post by dinnaken on Feb 18, 2017 9:13:01 GMT -5
Separating / getting divorced is weird... I'm not the first one to have thought this am I?
I've just finished a big piece of cake, comfort food and I needed it. I also just need to vent...
After a long, long, sexless and unhappy marriage I asked for a separation in January. I did the asking, I was the bad guy. I wanted to move out and make a fresh start in a new home but she said that that was what she wanted to do and so I acquiesced, to move things along as fast as possible.
This morning I went with her to look at a house and act as a second pairs of eyes. It's a very nice house and she wants to buy it. Great.
As we emerged she said (without any irony) "I feel really excited, I feel like I'm starting a new phase of my life, I'm looking forward to it, I suppose I should thank you."
What the F*****CK?
I know, I know - never expect an explanation or an apology but I've spent the best years of my life in a lonely shit-hole marriage; I haven't touched a woman (except by accident) in 14 years. I've taken crap over the separation and done the hard work to make it happen and now I'm facilitating what may be the best thing that's happened to her.
Aaaaaargh
Please help me prepare, what more weirdness can I expect??
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 18, 2017 9:24:52 GMT -5
There definitely could be more weirdness.
I'm sorry this hit a nerve to say the least.
She could start dating, get a boyfriend and having sex with him.
The ultimate salt in the wound.
The advice I would give you is keep your distance and move on with your life.
Focus on yourself and getting yourself emotionally right and prepared for when the opportunity comes along for you to be in a fulfilling relationship.
My ex and I spoke on the phone the other day and he was bragging about the fact that this weekend he will reach 1500 games coached in about 5 years. I told him that's great, you're a good coach. I was thinking "you asshole saying this to me, that's part of the reason for the divorce". He's a great coach but a bad husband. Now he is a friend like all the other baseball dads, difference is he was allowed to fuck me but he didn't so good riddens.
Move on with your life and find your happiness! Nothing wrong with a good piece of chocolate cake every once in a while!
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 18, 2017 9:40:11 GMT -5
Where's your happiness? where's your new life, where's your fresh new start? Are they on the way? It sounds like it's there for you, it will take time, but you can look forward to taking it! Think of selling the old house, get rid of the memories that come with it. Being the caring helpful person that you are is well and good, and has it's place. Reality is that she needs to be doing these things for herself, like the adult that she is. Like the 14 yrs of rejection that she had no problem with. The less you do for her, the more you keep your communication at the least amount possible the easier it is to focus on yourself and a new beginning with someone else. I think you would like this book and the 150 other postings. www.facebook.com/Say-Goodbye-to-Crazy-1688676428025282/ |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 18, 2017 9:50:08 GMT -5
Thanks bballgirl,
Your response made me laugh, which is what I needed. You're right, my wife's comments really hit a nerve
You're also right about more weirdness - one day I'll share her views on my possible sex-life after separation!
Oddly, she isn't malicious in what she says, she lives completely in the moment and is just not, in any way, self-aware.
Thanks for your advice, I'm much more 'wound-up' than I realise. By the middle of this year I could be starting my new life and I am beginning to feel excited about that prospect.
Best wishes
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Post by seabr33z3 on Feb 18, 2017 11:03:16 GMT -5
Separating / getting divorced is weird... I'm not the first one to have thought this am I? I've just finished a big piece of cake, comfort food and I needed it. I also just need to vent... After a long, long, sexless and unhappy marriage I asked for a separation in January. I did the asking, I was the bad guy. I wanted to move out and make a fresh start in a new home but she said that that was what she wanted to do and so I acquiesced, to move things along as fast as possible. This morning I went with her to look at a house and act as a second pairs of eyes. It's a very nice house and she wants to buy it. Great. As we emerged she said (without any irony) "I feel really excited, I feel like I'm starting a new phase of my life, I'm looking forward to it, I suppose I should thank you." What the F*****CK? I know, I know - never expect an explanation or an apology but I've spent the best years of my life in a lonely shit-hole marriage; I haven't touched a woman (except by accident) in 14 years. I've taken crap over the separation and done the hard work to make it happen and now I'm facilitating what may be the best thing that's happened to her. Aaaaaargh Please help me prepare, what more weirdness can I expect?? Is it possible that it's just game playing? Maybe she's trying some sort of reverse psychology on you. It's interesting.... Very interesting that she is the one choosing to move out. Is it possible that she thinks it will be easier to move back in again when you " come to your senses"? Perhaps she is afraid that if you have your own space that you might just like it too much to return home, whereas if she leaves you in the family home you will miss her and beg her to come back( she thinks) *rolls eyes*. It just seems too good to be true for her to be so enthusiastic. Thanking you? Does that seem like something she would be genuine about? Only you will know the extent of the mind games she is capable of. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 18, 2017 13:20:14 GMT -5
dinnaken, for what it's worth, my read is that she also wasn't happy in your marriage and is also seeing the positive side of the divorce. She just lacked the fortitude to do something about it; fortunately for you both, you did. That things are proceeding with her in a positive mood is a good sign for getting through the process smoothly and having some semblance of friendliness after the fact. I can appreciate the sting of her being upbeat about the process. Not unlike when a spouse agrees to a divorce eagerly.
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 18, 2017 16:47:51 GMT -5
Hi Folks,
Thanks for all of your support. I've calmed down a lot from lunchtime today (and got over the cake!).
Having dug deep into my emotional resources to ask for the separation, I realised that you can't stop there; you have to keep up the momentum. I've then had to plough on having difficult conversations, planning, finding stuff out and sorting things. This week I've taken a couple of days off work to get on with things and I've made a lot of progress & managed to keep all the plates spinning.
But it's taken a greater toll of my resources than I realised and her comments caught me badly off guard.
Dry Creek - Thank you. Having read your post, I think your analysis is spot on and "the sting of her being upbeat about the process" is exactly why I was derailed by her comments. She got right under my guard.
Great Coastal - yes, you're right, I do need to think of my fresh start and I know it's getting closer. After the dust has settled, I will sell this house and then I can finally move on in every sense.
Thanks Seabr33z3, my wife's comments did make me pause and think. She's always needed to win (I had to ban her from playing board games with our son) and I think that is where she is coming from. However, she knows that once I've made my mind up, that's it.
Let's just hope she is able to find a new home as soon as possible!
Bye for now
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Post by WindSister on Feb 20, 2017 9:58:00 GMT -5
Separating / getting divorced is weird... I'm not the first one to have thought this am I? I've just finished a big piece of cake, comfort food and I needed it. I also just need to vent... After a long, long, sexless and unhappy marriage I asked for a separation in January. I did the asking, I was the bad guy. I wanted to move out and make a fresh start in a new home but she said that that was what she wanted to do and so I acquiesced, to move things along as fast as possible. This morning I went with her to look at a house and act as a second pairs of eyes. It's a very nice house and she wants to buy it. Great. As we emerged she said (without any irony) "I feel really excited, I feel like I'm starting a new phase of my life, I'm looking forward to it, I suppose I should thank you." What the F*****CK? I know, I know - never expect an explanation or an apology but I've spent the best years of my life in a lonely shit-hole marriage; I haven't touched a woman (except by accident) in 14 years. I've taken crap over the separation and done the hard work to make it happen and now I'm facilitating what may be the best thing that's happened to her. Aaaaaargh Please help me prepare, what more weirdness can I expect?? Okay.. here's one for you. I left a truly sexless marriage (we didn't have sex in TEN YEARS. (twice the year we got married) and ONE "reset" sex when we were trying to work it out. I would hold hands with my ex and he would let go after a minute saying, "can I let go now, did I do my job?" That kind of coldness. I told him directly what I needed and wanted and he would say, "Well, I can't do it now that you told me to do it." Um, Ok. So - I left in January as well. We still shared a dog that I loved so I went to visit with him (I left the house, he kept it) and I saw big jumbo hoop earrings in the bedroom - glitter stuff and who knows what else. Turned out he hooked up with a woman from a sex dating site (he is still with this woman almost 4 years later). That's weird. But it was also a HUGE eye opener. He was fully capably of sex, but true to what we hear here a lot (or used to back at EP) he just didn't love me like that. That was the proof. I said "WHAT THE F*********CK" that day and it messed with me big time (am I just "unF****CKable? - not to be brass)?? It was not a good moment for me. But it turned out I was desirable - I had some great experiences and eventually married a man who desires me everyday even after 1.5 years of marriage. It gets better. More weirdness comes from Facebook if you have that one. I hate Facebook. ha |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 20, 2017 16:32:08 GMT -5
Hi Awakeforthedance,
Thanks for this, perhaps we should all get together and put assemble a book; how about 'Weird things that happen in marriages' for a title? What are the chances that it would be a best seller?
I was sorry to read how things panned out for you after you left your marriage - horrible; I have no idea what my wife will do but I hope that I'll be able to quickly put it behind me. Emotionally, I left my marriage a long time ago. I'm so pleased that you have managed to find happiness.
One of the great things about this site is the sharing that we can do. Over the years of my marriage I kinda knew that what I was going through was odd and I guessed that it couldn't just be me... Maybe one or two others out there... Then I found this site one Friday evening last year... I stayed up into the 'wee small hours' reading post after post, I was in shock but the next morning I went into town and opened a separate bank account to have my wages paid into... My first step out.
All the very best, let's all stay cheerful and if we can't, eat cake!
Bye for now
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Post by ggold on Feb 20, 2017 20:31:08 GMT -5
"Okay.. here's one for you. I left a truly sexless marriage (we didn't have sex in TEN YEARS. (twice the year we got married) and ONE "reset" sex when we were trying to work it out. I would hold hands with my ex and he would let go after a minute saying, "can I let go now, did I do my job?" That kind of coldness. I told him directly what I needed and wanted and he would say, "Well, I can't do it now that you told me to do it." Um, Ok. So - I left in January as well. We still shared a dog that I loved so I went to visit with him (I left the house, he kept it) and I saw big jumbo hoop earrings in the bedroom - glitter stuff and who knows what else. Turned out he hooked up with a woman from a sex dating site (he is still with this woman almost 4 years later). That's weird. But it was also a HUGE eye opener. He was fully capably of sex, but true to what we hear here a lot (or used to back at EP) he just didn't love me like that. That was the proof. I said "WHAT THE F*********CK" that day and it messed with me big time (am I just "unF****CKable? - not to be brass)?? It was not a good moment for me. But it turned out I was desirable - I had some great experiences and eventually married a man who desires me everyday even after 1.5 years of marriage. It gets better. " WindSister Wow!!! How long were you married? I have been sexless w/my husband for about 11 years now. (The last time I remember having sex with him was after my brother's wedding and I think he's been married 11 years...this is what I go by!) We've been married 23 years and sex went downhill after about the 2nd or 3rd year. I also directly told him what I needed to no avail. I gave up but then would bring it up again after a few years. This cycle would continue. We adopted our three children and became roommates and coparents. After I had a (very brief one night) affair that he discovered, we got everything out in the open. I thought that this would finally make him realize that I could not live in a SM anymore. No. He forgave me. He didn't want to be alone, he didn't want to lose the kids. I was stunned. He threw in my face that not many men would take this action. He finally started his own therapy. (I have been in therapy for years.) I began to notice he would be texting some of his women friends from work and going out with them. I became curious and spied on his texts and pics and checking our cell phone records. I discovered he was flirting with some of these women. He even received a boob pic!! Part of me felt guilty for invading his privacy and the other part of me wanted to know. I needed to know if he had some drive or was it just that he couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved. I no longer look at his texts. I actually gave myself up. I found one to a friend of his where he said he was going to screw me in the divorce. I questioned him on this and he said he would never do that. He claimed he wrote it out of anger. To this day, I do not totally believe him. He told so many lies on his texts to these women. Flat out lies. I get it, though, in that he was trying to make himself look "manly" and desirable. I also have no clue if he really has a drive. No clue. I guess this shouldn't even matter now anyway. Our next divorce mediation session will be next month. Slowly, we'll get there. I was just saying today that I am so done living with him. He's so miserable and grouchy. Such a negative vibe here. It's also definitely not good for our children. Sorry for the long ramble. I am so glad you posted your success story. You have given me hope for a better and happier life! GG |
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Post by WindSister on Feb 21, 2017 10:37:30 GMT -5
ggold - You are in the midst of choosing a better life for yourself, on to better things! Wishing you happiness on the journey. It is so, so worth it!!
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Post by unmatched on Feb 21, 2017 21:06:28 GMT -5
Have a read of Apocrypha 's stories. He is a big advocate that very often the truth of 'I am not into sex' is really 'I am not into sex with you'. It doesn't necessarily mean they are having an affair, or thinking about it, or even necessarily aware that they have completely suppressed their sex drive because it doesn't fit with their current life choices. But I do wonder how common it is for the LL partner to have a sudden resurgence of interest in sex once we are out of the picture? |
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Post by dinnaken on Feb 22, 2017 10:54:06 GMT -5
Hi Unmatched,
A very good question - I'll keep you posted after my STBX has moved out!
All the best
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 11:13:01 GMT -5
Hi Unmatched, A very good question - I'll keep you posted after my STBX has moved out! All the best Please do. And continue to keep us updated. We all need support. |
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Post by leifericson on Feb 22, 2017 20:49:32 GMT -5
What kind of cake?
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