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Post by unmatched on Apr 25, 2016 21:49:06 GMT -5
She sounds like a sad case. It's hard to be a polite host to someone like that, let alone for weeks. She is definitely not coming for weeks! Over my dead body (or hers, more likely). She is coming for just over a week, and I might have to be away for one of the weekends. |
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 25, 2016 22:38:32 GMT -5
...my W said she couldn't be what I wanted and still be herself, and I know I can't be what she wants, and we both felt that this has been tearing us apart. I'm sorry that you and wife could not make the marriage work out. It is said that the majority of ILIASM members stay. It doesn't feel that way. I understand about wanting someone to change and the extent is too much for them. I think pressuring them is not right either. Wishing you the best of luck with the upcoming split and counseling. (I was at Target over the weekend and was trying out noise-cancelling headphones. If your MIL makes constant jabber, it filters that out pretty good and only voices from normal speech gets through.) |
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Done
Apr 25, 2016 22:42:07 GMT -5
Post by unmatched on Apr 25, 2016 22:42:07 GMT -5
...my W said she couldn't be what I wanted and still be herself, and I know I can't be what she wants, and we both felt that this has been tearing us apart. I'm sorry that you and wife could not make the marriage work out. It is said that the majority of ILIASM members stay. It doesn't feel that way. I understand about wanting someone to change and the extent is too much for them. I think pressuring them is not right either. Wishing you the best of luck with the upcoming split and counseling. (I was at Target over the weekend and was trying out noise-cancelling headphones. If your MIL makes constant jabber, it filters that out pretty good and only voices from normal speech gets through.) Thank you for that. Pressuring is definitely not right and in my experience just makes things worse. I was very non-pushy but whenever my W felt pressurised at all she would step back massively. BTW I don't like the noise-cancelling headphones much - when I put them on it feels like a whole lot of weird pressure in my head. But most of my family swears by them. |
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Apr 25, 2016 22:58:45 GMT -5
I understand the relaxed feeling. I felt that way after I told my ex I wanted a divorce. There is a peace that comes to you when you know you are heading towards an authentic life for yourself. Your wife could feel that same way too. The key thing is to stay amicable for the sake of your son and it sounds like you guys are very respectful of each other. Things have a way of working out. Everything will fall into place.  I felt the same way after I said I wanted a divorce. It is like all the tension behind saying those words, finally expressing my needs, was gone with that short yet so difficult statement. I wish you all the best as you work through the separation process. Good advice
I suggest you take it. This whole thing is tough but you will be better off in the long run.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 26, 2016 2:31:16 GMT -5
Well, it looks like we are done. With counselling looming we were talking last night and my W said she couldn't be what I wanted and still be herself, and I know I can't be what she wants, and we both felt that this has been tearing us apart. So we agreed to split. I didn't sleep much, and I am not sure the feelings have really kicked in yet, but I was walking the dog this morning and watching the sun come up and I felt something inside me just relax. It might be far from ideal but I am sure in myself it is the right thing to do. I wish you lots of luck. However hard it is, it is a good thing that you have agreed to split. It sounds to me like you will be able to do it in the best possible way. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 26, 2016 6:54:40 GMT -5
Is MIL really so dense that she won't pickup on the vibe while she's living with you for weeks? And you're sleeping in separate bedrooms? MIL doesn't even live on this planet. She is doped up to the eyeballs on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and is so narcissistic she wouldn't notice Godzilla in our living room so long as we leave the mirrors uncovered. She was also widowed a couple of years ago, so it will be all about her and whether she feels strong enough to get up and do anything today. Her grandson won't get more than a dozen words the whole time, and she will just harp on and on at my wife about whatever uncensored criticising crap passes through her brain. I am more concerned about our ability to get through the visit without punching her or throwing her out in the street. [Does that sound bitter?] I foresee long hours in the garage tinkering - maybe tear the lawnmower apart and put it back together several times. Going to the gym, long drives in the country, learn to make moonshine, or take a course in salami design. Your MIL is your wife's baggage - let her deal with it. |
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Post by unmatched on Apr 26, 2016 17:23:35 GMT -5
...my W said she couldn't be what I wanted and still be herself, and I know I can't be what she wants, and we both felt that this has been tearing us apart. I'm sorry that you and wife could not make the marriage work out. It is said that the majority of ILIASM members stay. It doesn't feel that way. I understand about wanting someone to change and the extent is too much for them. I think pressuring them is not right either. Wishing you the best of luck with the upcoming split and counseling. (I was at Target over the weekend and was trying out noise-cancelling headphones. If your MIL makes constant jabber, it filters that out pretty good and only voices from normal speech gets through.) I was thinking more about 'pressuring' this morning. My W feeling pressurised always had a big negative impact on things, and I always tried not to push too hard and to leave her some space to step forward into if she wanted to do that. But I think I always assumed that somewhere deep down everybody wants intimacy and touch and sex, because that is how I feel. So I assumed that she must feel the same way but somehow be unable to let herself feel it because of her assorted psychological baggage. And so given enough space and encouragement I thought she might work through that stuff and come to be the engaged intimate person I wanted her to. Now I wonder whether I wasn't just refusing to listen to her and actually she is just different from me. And all those assumptions in themselves created a lot of pressure and made her feel like crap because in effect every day I was telling her in subtle ways You're not good enough or You're stunted and repressed. I am not saying she doesn't have any shit to deal with, and I am not saying things would have worked out differently, just that maybe I could have respected her individuality a bit more and let her be who she was. |
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Done
Apr 26, 2016 18:53:49 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 18:53:49 GMT -5
Well, I'm glad that you two have gotten some honesty - at last. It does feel better when you don't have to hide things. Good luck in the coming weeks and months.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 18:58:30 GMT -5
I'm sorry that you and wife could not make the marriage work out. It is said that the majority of ILIASM members stay. It doesn't feel that way. I understand about wanting someone to change and the extent is too much for them. I think pressuring them is not right either. Wishing you the best of luck with the upcoming split and counseling. (I was at Target over the weekend and was trying out noise-cancelling headphones. If your MIL makes constant jabber, it filters that out pretty good and only voices from normal speech gets through.) I was thinking more about 'pressuring' this morning. My W feeling pressurised always had a big negative impact on things, and I always tried not to push too hard and to leave her some space to step forward into if she wanted to do that. But I think I always assumed that somewhere deep down everybody wants intimacy and touch and sex, because that is how I feel. So I assumed that she must feel the same way but somehow be unable to let herself feel it because of her assorted psychological baggage. And so given enough space and encouragement I thought she might work through that stuff and come to be the engaged intimate person I wanted her to. Now I wonder whether I wasn't just refusing to listen to her and actually she is just different from me. And all those assumptions in themselves created a lot of pressure and made her feel like crap because in effect every day I was telling her in subtle ways You're not good enough or You're stunted and repressed. I am not saying she doesn't have any shit to deal with, and I am not saying things would have worked out differently, just that maybe I could have respected her individuality a bit more and let her be who she was. I can relate, because I still feel guilty that I wanted my ex to be the person he was for our first 6 years together. I do feel like I put some pressure on him to change back to that. But - when you think about it - neither you nor I should feel guilty about wanting what we want. It is NOT unreasonable to expect sex from your spouse. And truly -- if what you want and what they want are so very different - to the point where no compromise is going to happen - then parting ways is probably for the best. Your sex life is too big a part of your life to willingly agree to give it up or have it be too different from what you know you need. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 26, 2016 19:15:38 GMT -5
Geez. That came to a head quickly - even before counseling. Please consider keeping the counseling appointment for yourself. You seem to be taking it pretty well in the present, but please take care of yourself. This is a shocking turn of events and will be very upsetting on and off over the next couple of months. Even your psychotic MIL will trigger some feelings in you. Thinking of you!! Thanks for that. We are going to go to the counselling appointment together and try and use it to start hashing out how we are going to make this work and childcare and living arrangements and all that. I think it can't hurt having a third voice from someone who has presumably seen a lot of couples breaking up. That's my plan when the poop hits the paddle! |
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 26, 2016 19:42:39 GMT -5
But I think I always assumed that somewhere deep down everybody wants intimacy and touch and sex, because that is how I feel. So I assumed that she must feel the same way but somehow be unable to let herself feel it because of her assorted psychological baggage. And so given enough space and encouragement I thought she might work through that stuff and come to be the engaged intimate person I wanted her to. Now I wonder whether I wasn't just refusing to listen to her and actually she is just different from me. And all those assumptions in themselves created a lot of pressure and made her feel like crap because in effect every day I was telling her in subtle ways You're not good enough or You're stunted and repressed. I am not saying she doesn't have any shit to deal with, and I am not saying things would have worked out differently, just that maybe I could have respected her individuality a bit more and let her be who she was. You could well be on to something here, depending on how she was in the past. W is pretty darn close to asexual, and always has been. For two decades I made the same assumptions as you, that deep-down everyone wanted intimacy and sex. I believed that a sexually-charged woman was in there, and I must not be doing the right things to draw her out of her shell. As a result, I was constantly frustrated with trying and failing; and she felt pressured by my frustration. I finally gave up trying, once I found EP and realized the depth of the hole I was in. I still wasn't happy or satisfied, but I stopped being frustrated with her; it was pointless. Years later, she's happier (of course) and we get along well, but it hasn't done a damn thing to improve the intimacy. So, while you might have done better by recognizing her differences, it wouldn't have changed the outcome. Just the path it took to reach the conclusion. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2016 21:02:47 GMT -5
As challenging as things have become, I remember that feeling of relief. For a while, my STBX and I actually got along much better without the strain of having to pretend our marriage was okay. Wishing clarity and continued calm for you as you start this process. Thank you. I will be strenuously trying to avoid lawyers as much as humanly possible! Maybe your marriage counselor can refer you to a mediator. There may be a honeymoon period in separations just like in marriages. You're both upset but you know you're doing the right thing and there's almost a feeling of we're in this together. The test comes when you get down to brass tacks like custody and alimony and the house and the 401k and and and. If you can both remain civil and rational when that time comes, going though mediation instead of lawyers will save you a dump truck of money. |
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 26, 2016 21:59:51 GMT -5
But I think I always assumed that somewhere deep down everybody wants intimacy and touch and sex, because that is how I feel. So I assumed that she must feel the same way but somehow be unable to let herself feel it because of her assorted psychological baggage. And so given enough space and encouragement I thought she might work through that stuff and come to be the engaged intimate person I wanted her to. Now I wonder whether I wasn't just refusing to listen to her and actually she is just different from me. And all those assumptions in themselves created a lot of pressure and made her feel like crap because in effect every day I was telling her in subtle ways You're not good enough or You're stunted and repressed. I came to this realization recently too. I have been putting pressure on my wife to change to someone I can be happy with. Last Friday, she said...I already tried. OK now what. I can put so much more pressure to make her reconsider her answer, but then who I am fooling. I may get sex again that way but it wouldn't be really her. Maybe I am at the stage of giving her space and encouragement so she might work through that stuff and come to can be a more engaged intimate person I want her to be on her time frame. Meanwhile I'll be sexless until I am no longer in love with her, or lose my sanity and become a male Craigslist slut. |
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Post by legoman on Apr 26, 2016 22:44:36 GMT -5
Good luck. I hope it works out for you. I realize there's no point in trying to change an asexual who's not into intimacy. In the end divorce may be the only solution. What's upsetting is the bait and switch part of it. The refuser not making it known before marriage that they really are asexual and just pulling off the switch at some point. This for me is a violation of the marriage contract but still in the end the refused suffers the full consequences of the divorce or even more in some cases.
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