|
Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 16, 2016 18:44:18 GMT -5
Hello folks. Long time listener, first time caller. Not really, I'm just another bumbling SM victim who recently stumbled on this forum when I did a search for "women who use sex as a weapon". I started reading and was happy to find a place to call home, yet disturbed to realize how rampant this issue really is. So after coming across all your words I signed up for it because I feel I'll fit right in with you merry bunch of celibates. So. To introduce myself, my name is Whuffo (name changed to protect the innocent), and I'm an alcoholic. Wait, wrong site... No, okay, wait, where am I again??? Sorry, I'm a bit distracted, I've had sex on the brain non-stop since I haven't had any since last January. But that was the best 3 minutes I can remember from 2016. Oh yes, I remember where I'm at now... Back to my intro. I've been married now for 8 years and fitting the definition, as you all have so graciously described in various posts, of a SM. I fell victim to a controlling, manipulative woman and I don't know how and now I'm in the middle of a full-blown (or never, depending on your line of thinking) SM... Help Welcome - I do worry sometimes that when I'm out, introducing myself, I will let slip: and I'm an alcoholic. I haven't in public yet, but I don't hide it either (that I have a year sober now). Joke as you wish but leaving my SM was an excellent choice. Doing so without sufficient coping skills was not. The forum is a great resource filled with genuinely caring folks. I hope you'll find some help you need here!
|
|
|
Post by whuffo on Dec 16, 2016 20:58:02 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcoming committee, bball and geekgoddess. Although it's not very comforting to think it's only been 8 years and I'm here, I can only imagine what it's like for those in the higher number range. What helped in making that final determination to execute the exit plan, for those that have done it?
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Dec 16, 2016 21:20:36 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcoming committee, bball and geekgoddess. Although it's not very comforting to think it's only been 8 years and I'm here, I can only imagine what it's like for those in the higher number range. What helped in making that final determination to execute the exit plan, for those that have done it? I didn't want to sneak around to get sex and I couldn't accept celibacy.
|
|
|
Post by csl on Dec 16, 2016 21:24:04 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcoming committee, bball and geekgoddess. Although it's not very comforting to think it's only been 8 years and I'm here, I can only imagine what it's like for those in the higher number range. What helped in making that final determination to execute the exit plan, for those that have done it? 8 years? Think about it--only another 32 years and you'll have been in a SM for 40 years. That'll be quite the accomplishment. Or you could do something. Jes' sayin'.
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 16, 2016 21:56:47 GMT -5
Thanks for the welcoming committee, bball and geekgoddess. Although it's not very comforting to think it's only been 8 years and I'm here, I can only imagine what it's like for those in the higher number range. What helped in making that final determination to execute the exit plan, for those that have done it? I didn't want to sneak around to get sex and I couldn't accept celibacy. Finding the predecessor to this site. I learned there that I wasn't alone. I learned there what toll emotional abuse takes on people. I recognized the signs & symptoms in me. I recognized the patterned behaviors in my H. I don't believe he meant to become the way he did. But I knew I couldn't wait around for him to admit his part &/or try therapy to fix/change it. I knew that for my own spirit to survive, I needed to get out & get my own help. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for myself. I don't regret staying for as long as I did (25 yrs together, 17 of those married, about half that semi-dysfunctional, 3 yrs totally sexless, 2 or so totally rude, nearly mean) Good luck navigating your decision making process!
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Dec 17, 2016 3:00:31 GMT -5
I have no interest in divorce. I have three young children and I get the only fulfillment of my life from them. Well, that and flirting with women on the elevator.
I applaud you. Flirting on the elevator is a noble reason to stay.
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Dec 17, 2016 16:16:53 GMT -5
So, a I off my rocker when I have had a difficult time with trying to leave? My refuser is a stay at home mom, and would have a difficult time on her own. Plus we have kids, and I'm military, so not many judges would give the kids to me in a divorce. But on the flip side, she's been so masterful in her manipulation that, even though I'm the one bringing home the bacon,I am also the one who gets the kids up and ready for school, delivers her breakfast to her in bed, since she doesn't usually get out of it that early, takes the kids to school, then rushes to work, where I usually get at least one phone call or email from her with some request that I need to fulfill (ie, calling to make an appointment for her or a kid, etc), then leave work early, rush back across town to get the kids, get them home, then make dinner, again, usually delivered to her in bed, get the kids ready for bed, then sleep and do it all again the next day... that's the usual day in our household, yet I still feel bad for her. Is this common or am I just got completely insane? Yes you are insane. But manipulative refusers can do that to you.
|
|
|
Post by whuffo on Dec 17, 2016 16:20:07 GMT -5
Fuck my life....
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Dec 17, 2016 16:33:26 GMT -5
So, a I off my rocker when I have had a difficult time with trying to leave? My refuser is a stay at home mom, and would have a difficult time on her own. Plus we have kids, and I'm military, so not many judges would give the kids to me in a divorce. But on the flip side, she's been so masterful in her manipulation that, even though I'm the one bringing home the bacon,I am also the one who gets the kids up and ready for school, delivers her breakfast to her in bed, since she doesn't usually get out of it that early, takes the kids to school, then rushes to work, where I usually get at least one phone call or email from her with some request that I need to fulfill (ie, calling to make an appointment for her or a kid, etc), then leave work early, rush back across town to get the kids, get them home, then make dinner, again, usually delivered to her in bed, get the kids ready for bed, then sleep and do it all again the next day... that's the usual day in our household, yet I still feel bad for her. Is this common or am I just got completely insane? Wow!! You are a saint! I can relate to a lot of what you wrote because I did everything too. I used to drop my kids off at daycare and early morning care at 6:30 because I had to be to work at 7:00 am and he couldn't get his ass out of bed to get the kids to school on time. He does work and earns a good living but that's all he contributed. So I would say it's time to make a change where she is concerned. Sounds like your wife is a spoiled brat taker wife. I would notify her that breakfast in bed is going to cost her a blow job after the New Year and dinner in bed she will need to become a freak in the sack. Ok I'm joking and trying to make you laugh a little but my point is still this: what does she do for you? Well that's what she deserves back and I would inform her of that.
|
|
|
Post by thefullmoon on Dec 17, 2016 17:28:37 GMT -5
Don't produce more kids...it happened several times here...as soon as refused starts to plan get out...his/her refuser suddenly magicaly cured from asexuality and all other issues preventing him/her of having sex...everybody happy...till the moment a new pregnancy announced...and the trap shut up for next time...usually a decade at least...
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Dec 17, 2016 17:28:47 GMT -5
whuffo - start with removing the meal delivery & also fulfilling the phoned-in requests. Try to practice NOT doing for her what she is capable of doing herself. Keep up with the kids, if you think that's right (& I think it probably is - they shouldn't necessarily suffer from their mom being a twit). But do not deliver food to her in the bed. Unless she has a 103 fever, there is NO excuse for that crap! She's lucky you even cook it! And - try a couples counselor about fair division of labor. Cause you are getting the absolute shit end of the stick, buddy.
|
|
|
Post by csl on Dec 17, 2016 17:30:42 GMT -5
So, a I off my rocker when I have had a difficult time with trying to leave? My refuser is a stay at home mom, and would have a difficult time on her own. Plus we have kids, and I'm military, so not many judges would give the kids to me in a divorce. But on the flip side, she's been so masterful in her manipulation that, even though I'm the one bringing home the bacon,I am also the one who gets the kids up and ready for school, delivers her breakfast to her in bed, since she doesn't usually get out of it that early, takes the kids to school, then rushes to work, where I usually get at least one phone call or email from her with some request that I need to fulfill (ie, calling to make an appointment for her or a kid, etc), then leave work early, rush back across town to get the kids, get them home, then make dinner, again, usually delivered to her in bed, get the kids ready for bed, then sleep and do it all again the next day... that's the usual day in our household, yet I still feel bad for her. Is this common or am I just got completely insane? First thing, take Princess down from her pedestal and blow it to Kingdom Come! Phone call request? "Do it yourself" I have a post on my blog about giving a spouse a deadline of a year or two as to when the divorce/separation will happen. That way, they have time to get a job, maybe get skills. Sorry, but you need to do some distancing from your wife, so as not to be her walking wallet.
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Dec 17, 2016 17:35:28 GMT -5
whuffo - start with removing the meal delivery & also fulfilling the phoned-in requests. Try to practice NOT doing for her what she is capable of doing herself. Keep up with the kids, if you think that's right (& I think it probably is - they shouldn't necessarily suffer from their mom being a twit). But do not deliver food to her in the bed. Unless she has a 103 fever, there is NO excuse for that crap! She's lucky you even cook it! And - try a couples counselor about fair division of labor. Cause you are getting the absolute shit end of the stick, buddy. whuffo, not only are you enabling her bad behavior, you are rewarding her. Of course, when you stop all this enabling you will not endear yourself to her, it surely won't wake up her nonexistent sex drive. But it's the first step out of the Hell you unwittingly put yourself in.
|
|
|
Post by whuffo on Dec 17, 2016 21:10:44 GMT -5
Some great answers, and pretty much what I expected to hear. And yes, I needed a good laugh. And right back at you BBallgirl with a joke your response reminded me of....
Why was the bride smiling while she walked down the aisle on her wedding day???
Because she knew she had given her last BJ!
**drops the mic, walks away**
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Dec 17, 2016 21:32:03 GMT -5
Some great answers, and pretty much what I expected to hear. And yes, I needed a good laugh. And right back at you BBallgirl with a joke your response reminded me of.... Why was the bride smiling while she walked down the aisle on her wedding day??? Because she knew she had given her last BJ! **drops the mic, walks away** Glad I made you laugh.
|
|