Article on Intimacy

Men, Women, and the Work of Intimacy



Intimacy can be challenging to maintain over time. The reasons are rooted in the way closeness begins. Two people come together loving each other's strengths and quirks. Each promises to be the person the other can confide uncertainties and weaknesses to, and each has permission to let his or her guard down in turn. But having stripped off all emotional armor leaves partners particularly vulnerable to perceived slights from each other, as, over time, the supportive focus on each other competes with the demands of daily life. That means that a grouchy comment or a bout of moodiness from a mate, however normal, can really sting. It takes restraint not to reply in kind or emotionally withdraw.



As a result, closeness tends to diminish over time, which Cordova sees as a normal process of decay. Parenting responsibilities or other everyday stresses exhaust a pair's emotional resources and lead them down a path of least emotional resistance.



Once that process sets in, reversing its course can feel daunting. Couples often believe that they have to fix all their problems in order to feel close again. In fact, Cordova finds, simply paying more attention to each other is the best salve.



Figuring out how to enhance intimacy takes time, effort, and no small dose of what University of California, Berkeley sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild calls "emotion work": managing or even suppressing your own feelings so that you can provide emotional support to others. In committed heterosexual relationships, emotion work is itself often a source of stress because men and women tend to have different ideas about the optimal level of closeness and amount of "emotional space," says University of Texas sociologist Debra Umberson. She finds that same-sex couples share more similar ideas about intimacy and personal boundaries, and consequently share emotion work more equitably.
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"Intimacy can be challenging to maintain over time" is a topic that holds my attention now that I do have a satisfying relationship/marriage with a man I love with every fiber of my being.  I can't even compare our relationship to that which I had with my ex because it's not even on the same planet.  So I can't look at what went wrong with my ex and say, "I will just avoid that and we will be great."  This is all new territory.  I find hope that if things get in the way of intimacy the task at hand isn't to "fix all the problems" but rather, could be to simply to pay more attention to each other.  That is doable and it makes sense.  I think that is what we do, intuitively.  We both require touch and words of affirmation to be satisfied in a relationship and that requires attention.  We both give and take that from each other daily.  

I feel slightly validated from reading this on how we handled our grumpiness towards each other last night, actually.  We had a grumpy exchange, apologized, forgave and then hugged each other for a nice long time.  That's paying attention.  Instead of having the exchange and giving the silent treatment, or ignoring as you go on to your hobby or chore, or whatever (or call a friend to complain/vent to).   We really don't let things sit badly between us for long.  Not to say we "fix" anything, either -- I still get an attitude and he still gets picky.  But we understand each other as we go along -- so even that gets to be less.  

The "emotion work" speaks to me on many levels -- and for all relationships.  I do a TON of suppressing my own feelings so I can be a support to others when it comes to his "Extras" (kids) and exes (to an extent I have to do this to support the Extras).  I won't get started or I will have ten pages here.  But I have definitely grown in that area.  lol 

Good article!!!