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Post by richfairy72 on Feb 1, 2017 12:14:20 GMT -5
Hi. So today I am having an emotional crisis, but I am determined not to 'share' it with my H, hence I thought a vent on here might help (please ignore it if it is a bit whingey!!!....
I have been today for the first session with a counsellor, arranged by my work to help with my recent diagnosis of ME/Chronic fatigue. I was really going just to tick the box to say I had been, but when she asked about my home life, I just ended up blurting out the whole sad state of affairs in my SM. I think the poor woman was a bit stunned, but then she was fantastic - She basically was ups e t on my behalf for all t he shit I have had happen to me, then she quietly said that she thinks I am in an abusive marriage and that I should contact a local helpline urgently.
Now, I have started realising that some of my h's behaviours have been pretty shit, and that there could be an element of manipulation going on, but I have always blamed myself, and thought that because there is no violence or overt control issues, that 'abuse' is too strong a word. He just needs t o be in control and I thought he had mental health type difficulties and that I need to look after him. However, she has said (agreeing with close friends who I keep brushing aside their concerns) that he is PURPOSEFULLY manipulating me, and that he knows what he is doing, and that I need to seek help to exit.
Since the appointment, I have felt a wreck, and am struggling not to totally break down. I feel like having someone listen to the full story and tell me directly what is happening has really hit a raw nerve. She even suggested that my ME symptoms could be as an indirect response of my body to having to be numb and keep plodding on for so long - basically my body is not playing ball any more.
Anyway, not sure even why I am sharing this or what I want, but I just feel very small and overwhelmed and have a feeling you nice people may understand..
And there was I in my first post saying everything's fine except for the sex!! Thanks to you guys, I am unpacking it all gradually - I think I am just a bit freaked out.....
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Feb 1, 2017 12:26:37 GMT -5
One step at a time. Breathe, take stock, another step. You have a lot to unravel and get to grips with, and you can only go at the pace you are emotionally capable of.
It's been said before and will be said again - it's not you. Never was.
Tomorrow, you will take another step, and more in the days after that. Keep seeing the shrink. At some point your steps will carry you to a better place, however and wherever that may be.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Feb 1, 2017 12:41:13 GMT -5
richfairy72. This is the first day of the rest of your life lovely  You now have your eyes open. It's a bit scary at first, but you did the right thing today. You will be better than ok xxx
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Post by Dan on Feb 1, 2017 13:32:20 GMT -5
Sounds like hearing the news from a professional -- "yeah, you ARE in a bad situation, and you need HELP" -- is both comforting... AND distressing!
But as painful as it is, the confirmation that "something is amiss here" is VERY GOOD FOR YOU.
Please BE KIND to yourself in the coming hours and days. You'll get through this. Just breathe, and let yourself feel your feelings. You don't have to DECIDE anything this moment. You don't have to DO anything just yet.
You have time to work with your therapist (and possibly local self help groups) and us to help you figure out what is best for YOU.
Hugs!
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Post by dancingbear70 on Feb 1, 2017 13:46:04 GMT -5
I find the differences between American therapy and U.K. Counseling fascinating. And not always in a good way. In the U.K. there seems to be a rush to judgement and solution. In the US I have found there's more of an emphasis on working through things in time. This counselor seems to want to diagnose and prescribe solution in record time!
I would encourage you to slow things down. It is great to get a better perspective, but rushing to action could be detrimental. Try to absorb these new thoughts and figure out for yourself what it means to you.
Btw, if you truly have ME/CFS, stress does not help, but it absolutely cannot cause it. It is a tough diagnosis, so try to be open to all possibilities. And try to take care of yourself as best you can.
Be well!
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 1, 2017 14:12:54 GMT -5
Just Breathe everyone is right. Sometime we all need that slap in the face to snap out of it, to start seeing things in a more clear view.
Work with your therapist like Dan had said. You are stronger then what you know. You can do ! it one day at a time.
Hugs
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Post by Dan on Feb 1, 2017 14:17:53 GMT -5
From my personal experience (with about six different therapists over the past many years) I think dancingbear70 correctly describes the general mode of therapists in the US: not pushing for solution/resolution, but a little more open ended, letting the client work through things at his/her own pace. Therefore I will give him the benefit of the doubt about the "UK therapist approach" and agree with him that a "resolution driven approach" is not what richfairy72 needs at this time. |
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Post by lyn on Feb 1, 2017 14:19:29 GMT -5
richfairy72 the lightbulb has come on, the FOG is lifting......... please try to look at these recent discoveries as a GOOD thing. You very well had these realizations in your subconscious for a long time. It's important to take a step back, and as was mentioned before, breathe....... then, realize that you are still you - wonderfully unique you - let the healing begin. The process has already started. Seeing things as they clearly are is the first step. Unless you are in imminent danger, you don't need to leave for a half-way house this second. If you look back at many of our fellow members posts - back to their beginning post, you'll find a great commonality; "everything's great, we're just not having sex". The more we share, the more we realize this really isn't so. Many of our spouses are manipulative controllers. Many of them also carry a fairly kind veneer - which makes this type of behavior almost undetectable. As you've found out, it builds and builds until it becomes impossible to ignore. For your own sake, physically and mentally, it's imperative that you try to relax, keep posting here (we will always support you), keep seeing your therapist if that's possible, begin making a plan for yourself. Disentangling oneself from a sm (or any abusive relationship) will take some time. If there is physical abuse, or the threat of it, by all means hit the bricks asap. Knowledge is power. You're getting your power back - {{big hugs}}
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 14:56:08 GMT -5
Obviously a door has open up for you. Since you wrote this to the group have you consider getting a pen and paper and just writing everything down. How you feel and everything that's has happened. Sometime getting everything out and then going back and re reading may help you and give you perspective. I have heard journaling has really helped others cut through the confusion
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Post by Lithium92 on Feb 1, 2017 18:13:53 GMT -5
Hi. So today I am having an emotional crisis, but I am determined not to 'share' it with my H, hence I thought a vent on here might help (please ignore it if it is a bit whingey!!!.... I have been today for the first session with a counsellor, arranged by my work to help with my recent diagnosis of ME/Chronic fatigue. I was really going just to tick the box to say I had been, but when she asked about my home life, I just ended up blurting out the whole sad state of affairs in my SM. I think the poor woman was a bit stunned, but then she was fantastic - She basically was ups e t on my behalf for all t he shit I have had happen to me, then she quietly said that she thinks I am in an abusive marriage and that I should contact a local helpline urgently. Now, I have started realising that some of my h's behaviours have been pretty shit, and that there could be an element of manipulation going on, but I have always blamed myself, and thought that because there is no violence or overt control issues, that 'abuse' is too strong a word. He just needs t o be in control and I thought he had mental health type difficulties and that I need to look after him. However, she has said (agreeing with close friends who I keep brushing aside their concerns) that he is PURPOSEFULLY manipulating me, and that he knows what he is doing, and that I need to seek help to exit. Since the appointment, I have felt a wreck, and am struggling not to totally break down. I feel like having someone listen to the full story and tell me directly what is happening has really hit a raw nerve. She even suggested that my ME symptoms could be as an indirect response of my body to having to be numb and keep plodding on for so long - basically my body is not playing ball any more. Anyway, not sure even why I am sharing this or what I want, but I just feel very small and overwhelmed and have a feeling you nice people may understand.. And there was I in my first post saying everything's fine except for the sex!! Thanks to you guys, I am unpacking it all gradually - I think I am just a bit freaked out..... The last thing you're being is whingey. Someone else, especially a professional, validating the crap you've been through is a massive moment. It's basically saying 'you're not bad or insane, you're reacting in a perfectly normal way to being in a hugely shit situation.' I've not long started therapy (for childhood family shit more than my marriage) and it's amazing what just saying this stuff out loud does. It's like unblocking all the madness ricocheting round in your head and letting you move on from trying to make sense of the something that'll never make any sense without understanding it's not you, it's them. Control is rarely open, because the sneaky kind is just so much more effective, and part of it is all about making you think it's perfectly reasonable. I'm guessing you're feeling overwhelmed because it is overwhelming. It's a completely reasonable reaction. Find yourself some space to breakdown. You've earned it, you're entitled to it. I went through a stage of welling up a lot - not sobbing but the tears were like all the pent up emotion leaking out through my eyes. It felt okay actually. |
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Post by baza on Feb 1, 2017 20:32:20 GMT -5
Your counsellor suggested a local help line ???
Given that you have probably supplied the counsellor with quite a bit more info than your stories here so far, the counsellor's suggestion seems well worth following up.
asap.
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Post by Dan on Feb 2, 2017 10:07:20 GMT -5
Your counsellor suggested a local help line  Given that you have probably supplied the counsellor with quite a bit more info than your stories here so far, the counsellor's suggestion seems well worth following up. asap. Agreeing with Baz. It inspired me to write up something I've long been planning to do. See this link for my post on the Mental Health Care Safety Net. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 2, 2017 10:18:00 GMT -5
Just like any physician, it is also not a bad idea to get a second opinion. You may have gotten a great counselor, and you may have gotten a dud. The relationship with your counselor is just like any other. It has to "click".
If it clicks, awesome. If he/she is freaking you out, you might want to take a deep breath, and get a second opinion. If the second opinion sounds exactly like the first, then you may have a trend here. If not, then you may not have had a good first experience. Only you can determine this. Take your time, trust your gut.
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Post by LITW on Feb 2, 2017 14:05:17 GMT -5
Best luck to you ... I hope she is able to help you unpack.
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Post by LITW on Feb 2, 2017 14:10:42 GMT -5
While this is a super forum to share our concerns in, nothing beats sharing our stories with a real live human being.
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