The final week of 2016 has been a whirlwind resulting in the capitulation of my failed marriage.
Earlier in the week, I came home from work frustrated, which has been a normal occurrence, from trying to navigate difficult corporate politics. My wife has conveniently blamed all my unhappiness on my work situation. She has repeatedly sent me job openings and urged me to look for another company to work for. I have not acted on these because I know that although work is stressful it is not the root cause of my unhappiness. We were discussing my job once again in the kitchen and she pleaded with me to look for another job. She told me that I cannot continue living like this, that my job has turned me into an extremely unhappy person and it’s affecting my well being. I looked at her and said , “
There are a lot of things in my life that are making me unhappy”.
She immediately went silent and became angry. Over the next few days, when she could stand to maintain a momentary glance at me, she glared in anger. She mostly wouldn’t speak to me at all. When she had to she would only give short 2-3 word sentences. She was wanting me to apologize to smooth things over as I have done in the past. I did not back down. I maintained my resilience and would not fall into the trap of getting angry and fighting. What I said was true and she knows it.
On New Year’s Eve, I told her I was going to go to the hardware store to get some things I needed to replace the kitchen sink. To my surprise as I was getting ready, she got ready as well. She told our oldest daughter to watch our two youngest while she went with me to the hardware store for an hour. We got into the car and I started driving. She remained silent. Finally at the entrance to our subdivision I asked her, do you want to go park somewhere and talk, or do you really want to go to the hardware store. She said, “I could give a fuck about the hardware store”. I drove to the High School parking lot and we parked under a tree. I sat and waited, she had to start this conversation. After a few minutes of us both staring out the windshield and her crying, she finally spoke and said:
“
I am very very angry with you. When I spoke to you about how unhappy your job is making you, you said to me there are a lot of things in your life that make you unhappy. You have work, you have college, and you have your family. What does that leave me to believe?! If you aren’t happy with your family, then I don’t want you to stay and be a martyr”.
I responded to her that I love my family dearly, but I am unhappy with our marriage.
She said, “I don’t want to live in the same house as you if you hate me, if you resent me! I will figure it out, but I can’t live with you hating me!”
I responded “
I don’t hate you, I care very deeply for you. You are the mother of my children and you are a wonderful mother! We have raised great kids, but I can’t continue on in this marriage where there is no intimacy. I’m not a dead beat dad, I’m not going to abandon you and the kids and run off like an acquaintance of ours husband did. But you talk like you are going to kick me out and not let me be with my children!”
She said that she doesn’t think the marriage is fixable at this point. She said that she will never remarry, but that she knows that I will and it will be fast. I told her I agreed. I reminded her that I asked her to go to marriage counseling with me in 2009, and she told me then that she didn’t need counseling and if I wanted to go, I could go by myself. She said “
Let’s talk about the lack of intimacy, if you want to get in here (pointing to her crotch), then you need to get in here (pointing to her head) and in here (pointing to her heart).” She said she sees people in facebook pictures out doing this and that and is jealous. I told her "
I have tried everything I know how to get through to her but I can’t stir desire in her. I looked at her and said “you haven’t touched me in over 6 years”. She had no response back.
Her demeanor softened and she said that she is scared because she earns so little and has no education. I told her I wasn’t going to abandon her and that I would help. I’ve asked her for years what she wanted to do, if she wanted to go back to school and get a degree. I’ve offered my support and she did get a realtor license in 2007, right before the crash, and phlebotomy training in 2009. The market crash and the bad job market very much discouraged her. She told me that I will be responsible for my children, that I wasn’t responsible for her. I told her, her mother is close by and I will help as well. She said we can’t keep the house, that she can’t afford the mortgage payment and we will have to sell it. I just nodded, she is correct.
We both spoke about how we never wanted this, and that we wanted to grow old together. We spoke of friends who have divorced and about my past growing up. She softened very much at this point and told me she watches a show and there was a line one day where a character said: “
you took the sourest lemon that life has to offer and turned it into something resembling lemonade” and that, it reminds her of me. She took my hand and looked at me and told me “
You’re a great man, you really are, do you know this?, You are a great man and I love you”. I broke down and sobbed with tears. This woman, my wife of 21 years loves me, is proud of me, and thinks I’m a great man, but has no desire for me.
We spoke of how to move forward. That we want to be friends and not let the kids know right now. We set limits that hugs are still OK. I told her that we have to communicate better through this and she agreed. Then we went to the hardware store and I ran in and got what I needed while she sat in the car.
Inertia has been overcome and forward movement has begun. It is now apparent and in the open that we both feel the marriage is over. Now begins the task of navigating these stormy seas to a place where everyone is better off.
RC
