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Post by petrushka on Jan 31, 2017 3:35:03 GMT -5
Realistically speaking, considering the population of 40,000 to 50,000 members in the old EP and a few hundred(?) now here, and considering that we're
looking almost exclusively at sexually fucked up relationships between two people, the "Childhood Sex Abuse" card has not come into play very often.
I would've expected to hear it a lot more frequently.
And when it did come up, it was often not the refusers who had been at the receiving end.
Now Childhood Emotional Abuse, that is a totally different picture. Ye gods, yes. Rarely do we hear of a refuser who had a happy, sane, normal
family background ....
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Post by Lithium92 on Jan 31, 2017 4:38:56 GMT -5
Rarely do we hear of a refuser who had a happy, sane, normal family background ....
As far as I can tell, my wife does. I'm the one with the epically dysfunctional family, which has left me with (amongst other things) a really hard time recognising, stating and pursuing my own needs which I'm sure fed into the early stages of our SM. It's also left me with very sensitive antenna for family dysfunction, and I've never had any at all around my wife's family - in fact their absence was one of the things that I thought was a good sign for my marriage.
As far as I can tell, my wife's refusing is down to a combination of menopause nuking her libido, chronic pain, and some kind of Aspergerish emotional detachment. Individually, those things could perhaps be resolved assuming she wanted to (and I think if it was just one she'd probably want to try). But put all three together, and it's too big a hill to climb.
As for responses to abuse: I can't talk about sexual abuse, but my childhood was emotionally abusive, and the survival patterns learned then play out in strange, unintuitive ways. For one thing, a refuser could be trying for years to get into sex, and do the right thing by their partner, but eventually it becomes too much - either they just can't take any more, or other stresses combine to make it unbearable in aggregate. That's just one version. I'd be very, very slow to accuse someone of consciously faking it.
Then again, recovered memories have a very spotty history. Social workers, for example, have been known to effectively plant incidents (like the Shetland case in the UK).
And clearly, sometimes it is made up, as it can close down a conversation. You'd have to look at the rest of a relationship to see if that kind of pattern applied elsewhere too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 10:51:48 GMT -5
This is a very difficult subject and we have little expertise in this. It seems to be in most cases here we had an active sex life at some point and these issues only seem to raise its head when we push the issue and then this comes out in conjunction with many other reasons/excuses so historical it is hard for us to believe them.
Then let say there is validity to their claims we see that they are unwilling to address the problem and try and get help.
So whatever the situation this should not be a card they can play to manipulate.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 31, 2017 11:04:25 GMT -5
This is a very difficult subject and we have little expertise in this. It seems to be in most cases here we had an active sex life at some point and these issues only seem to raise its head when we push the issue and then this comes out in conjunction with many other reasons/excuses so historical it is hard for us to believe them. Then let say there is validity to their claims we see that they are unwilling to address the problem and try and get help. So whatever the situation this should not be a card they can play to manipulate. I agree for the cases where they fucked their spouses brains out to get a ring on their finger then they want to use the abuse card. That's BS to me. It's an excuse not a reason. That's unacceptable. |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Jan 31, 2017 16:47:59 GMT -5
So I will start at the beginning : I personally believe that yes you have memories and or flash backs from childhood trauma . But something has had to trigger it. Let me explain For most survivors of childhood sexual assault memories are put in the back of your subconscious, sometimes it is forgotten about all together depending on the age it happened.
Most of the times memories are like a 5000 peace puzzle, you only get a glimpse of that small puzzle peace, until you see the whole puzzle, and that takes time and emotional pain along with body memories, to remember everything It is not fun. But again something has to trigger it.
I am not saying that this is the way it happens with all people but it gives you an idea of the process.
I do know lots on this subject more then I should know. Yes I am a serviour of childhood abuse, My offender received 15 years in a federal Pen here in Canada.
My brothers have very active sex lives, I would be having one but I am not the refuser. I love sex you have no idea !!! but I also know what I like when having it and telling my partner what I like helps.
My case is or was at the time judge called it The worst case of child sexual assault in Ontario history and made the news coast to coast so if anyone was going to be a refuser thinking it should be me.
I have also worked with and been apart of groups , Never have I had someone say that did not like sex, but I have had people say that they did not like being touched in a certain manner. which is totally understandable.
So when your spouse says that she/he was assaulted as a child, work with them try to figure out what was the trigger get them into a group or therapy to talk about what happened, Don't dismiss it.
If they have lied about what has happened to them you will know when they come home from therapy the mood should be I need to rest you will see that they are down.
Or they refuse to go maybe an indication. or they just not may not be ready, so let them talk to you get them to tell you the details but don't force it . It really helps for the healing process
Also people who have not received help for this issue are more drug and alcohol dependent for the most part but not always.
I hope that what I have written will help someone and it all made sense
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 31, 2017 16:51:48 GMT -5
sometimes knowing about the long ago psychological connections helps us to better understand the confusion...this is not about excuses for me - but does help to get past the 'is it me?' syndrome.
Like Matt Damon finally realized in 'Good Will Hunting' - it's not (all) my fault!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 22:43:30 GMT -5
I am fairly sure that my refuser was abused, but she has always denied it. My position is that if there has been sexual abuse, the victim owes it to him/herself to seek treatment and deal with the abuse. If my refuser had been willing to address this or any other sexual issue, I would not be in this position.
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