Sowing the seeds of discontent
Dec 16, 2016 23:53:39 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, lwoetin, and 3 more like this
Post by RexCorvus on Dec 16, 2016 23:53:39 GMT -5
As I have stated in the past, I have been able to stifle my sexuality telling myself it’s not that important or more accurately blaming myself. I stifle it by overloading myself with work and college. It is around every 5 years that I seems to be unable to deal and start to try to “fix” the problem by having The Talk with my wife, obviously to no avail. This only leads to discontent in the home and arguing. Nothing productive comes from it.
Well I say that, but the last Talk we had, my wife was so distraught trying to talk about our sexless marriage that she suggested that we should just separate. I wasn’t ready for that then. This was 6 years ago in 2010. My youngest was just a year and a half old and I wasn’t ready to “give up” on the relationship.
Fast forward to the present… I no longer care to “fix” it. There is nothing to fix, we are just different people who do not belong together. She is, as best as I can ascertain, asexual and I am heterosexual. It isn’t anyone’s fault it just is what it is. But was have soothed our relationship from the fights 6 years ago and we live in her ideal situation of co-parenting, co-habitation, caring for each other’s well being beside sexual. It is not a horrible existence, but it’s not truly living.
I have fallen in love with my Gorgeous Goddess and I need to begin the motions of getting to her. To do so, I must sow some seeds of discontent again. I think about my Gorgeous Goddess all the time and especially laying in my king size bed with the pillowed wall my wife stacks down the middle between us. So last night I became aroused thinking about my Gorgeous Goddess, so I decided I would throw the covers down to my thighs and let my freak flag fly, so to speak. Well, my wife was on her side facing away from me. So I said the Hell with it and took matters into my own hands so to speak. So here I was on my side of the bed thinking wonderfully naughty thoughts about my love, and doing what heterosexual men do when they need to take care of personal business. Well my wife rolled over and saw what I was doing. I think it shocked it. I acted like I didn’t know that she saw and I quickly covered up and pretended to be asleep. I expected to get hit, or yelled at or something along those lines. Instead she got up out of bed and went downstairs and slept on the couch most of the night. How much sleep she got I don’t know. I don’t think it was much. She went down there around midnight and came back at 4am. The sight of me doing that freaked her out so bad she had to go downstairs, out of the room, and sleep on the couch which she hates.
Today she never alluded to the incident. She made a couple of cold comments with attitude over text, but nothing talking about what she saw or how she felt. Then tonight when I got home she was still a little heated I could tell. But then after dinner as I was cleaning up, taking her plate from the table, doing the dishes, her tone changed. She said thank you to me for taking her plate and doing the dishes. Then she said bless you when I sneezed. Her tone was one of sadness and guilt She wishes she had desire for me, but it just isn’t there. She can’t make herself feel something no more than I can stop my need for intimacy. I thought the incident may be the beginning of the sowing of discontent again, but it wasn’t. It only brought sadness, guilt, and ignoring it altogether. I think she has a feeling that I have moved past caring about fixing it. I’ve been buying some country songs that my love has shared with me. I’m not normally a country music listener. My wife saw them and couldn’t believe I was listening to country for one, then asked if I was trying to tell her something with the song titles: Love Done Gone, Somewhere on a Beach, Head over Boots. I said no, but I think she feels me withdrawing and knows something is up.
I feel sad for her, in that she wishes she had those feelings for me, but she just doesn’t. I’ve learned now though that I deserve a relationship that is full of love and intimacy. I have fallen in love with my Gorgeous Goddess and I will find my path to her. I deserve to be happy and to be loved how I need to be loved. I cannot continue to be a martyr because of my compassion for her. I will always care about her, and she will always be a part of my life and the mother of my children, but as she said to me 6 years ago:
She can’t give me what I need.
RC
Well I say that, but the last Talk we had, my wife was so distraught trying to talk about our sexless marriage that she suggested that we should just separate. I wasn’t ready for that then. This was 6 years ago in 2010. My youngest was just a year and a half old and I wasn’t ready to “give up” on the relationship.
Fast forward to the present… I no longer care to “fix” it. There is nothing to fix, we are just different people who do not belong together. She is, as best as I can ascertain, asexual and I am heterosexual. It isn’t anyone’s fault it just is what it is. But was have soothed our relationship from the fights 6 years ago and we live in her ideal situation of co-parenting, co-habitation, caring for each other’s well being beside sexual. It is not a horrible existence, but it’s not truly living.
I have fallen in love with my Gorgeous Goddess and I need to begin the motions of getting to her. To do so, I must sow some seeds of discontent again. I think about my Gorgeous Goddess all the time and especially laying in my king size bed with the pillowed wall my wife stacks down the middle between us. So last night I became aroused thinking about my Gorgeous Goddess, so I decided I would throw the covers down to my thighs and let my freak flag fly, so to speak. Well, my wife was on her side facing away from me. So I said the Hell with it and took matters into my own hands so to speak. So here I was on my side of the bed thinking wonderfully naughty thoughts about my love, and doing what heterosexual men do when they need to take care of personal business. Well my wife rolled over and saw what I was doing. I think it shocked it. I acted like I didn’t know that she saw and I quickly covered up and pretended to be asleep. I expected to get hit, or yelled at or something along those lines. Instead she got up out of bed and went downstairs and slept on the couch most of the night. How much sleep she got I don’t know. I don’t think it was much. She went down there around midnight and came back at 4am. The sight of me doing that freaked her out so bad she had to go downstairs, out of the room, and sleep on the couch which she hates.
Today she never alluded to the incident. She made a couple of cold comments with attitude over text, but nothing talking about what she saw or how she felt. Then tonight when I got home she was still a little heated I could tell. But then after dinner as I was cleaning up, taking her plate from the table, doing the dishes, her tone changed. She said thank you to me for taking her plate and doing the dishes. Then she said bless you when I sneezed. Her tone was one of sadness and guilt She wishes she had desire for me, but it just isn’t there. She can’t make herself feel something no more than I can stop my need for intimacy. I thought the incident may be the beginning of the sowing of discontent again, but it wasn’t. It only brought sadness, guilt, and ignoring it altogether. I think she has a feeling that I have moved past caring about fixing it. I’ve been buying some country songs that my love has shared with me. I’m not normally a country music listener. My wife saw them and couldn’t believe I was listening to country for one, then asked if I was trying to tell her something with the song titles: Love Done Gone, Somewhere on a Beach, Head over Boots. I said no, but I think she feels me withdrawing and knows something is up.
I feel sad for her, in that she wishes she had those feelings for me, but she just doesn’t. I’ve learned now though that I deserve a relationship that is full of love and intimacy. I have fallen in love with my Gorgeous Goddess and I will find my path to her. I deserve to be happy and to be loved how I need to be loved. I cannot continue to be a martyr because of my compassion for her. I will always care about her, and she will always be a part of my life and the mother of my children, but as she said to me 6 years ago:
She can’t give me what I need.
RC
