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Post by dinnaken on Apr 10, 2017 17:03:46 GMT -5
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 10, 2017 19:27:16 GMT -5
EO, you must feel as if everyone is ganging up on you. Actually, we are, but only because we have genuine fears for your well-being. WE ARE ON YOUR SIDE.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 10, 2017 19:39:37 GMT -5
EO,
STOP putting yourself down.
LOVE YOURSELF LOVE who you ARE
CLEARLY all of us HERE LOVE YOU!
You now have an opportunity to get help through the domestic abuse support. Those organizations are private and you can maintain your privacy there. They will help you get out of a bad situation and help you get back on your feet.
Btw, asking for help is a sign of STRENGTH! I know you are STRONG! Your mum LOVES you and does NOT want you in this environment. You are a beautiful, loving and strong woman. Reach out and do it. Get the help you need. It's yours for the taking.
(((((HUGS)))))
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Post by unmatched on Apr 11, 2017 5:28:24 GMT -5
EO, I am so sorry. I can't wait for you to get out of there. It is really hard to build up your confidence and strength when you live with a complete c**t who is draining you dry every day. If you were able to take some kind of halfway step - maybe pack up the kids and go stay with your mum for a couple of weeks, or house sit for somebody - the extra space and distance might go a long way to helping you find yourself again. Or take some time off and come overseas! It'll be a momentous day when it arrives unmatched!! And, you daft arse, I've now bagged an invite to Oz... that's been my plan all along x Nothing daft about it, I will pick you up from the airport! And in response to your other reply, I don't know about you but I having been thinking recently that a lot of my own codependency comes from a compulsive need to be the 'good guy'. Not necessarily a nice guy, but it is like I keep telling myself this story in my head of who I am and what I have done and in it I have to be the hero or the good guy. Maybe it is from growing up on the A Team and Knight Rider and The Professionals, shit even High Chaparral lol. But the idea of telling myself that story and being the selfish one who looked after his own needs is really quite disturbing. But I can also see a life on the other side where I could just respond without having to be anything in particular and it feels very liberating.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 11, 2017 6:16:59 GMT -5
It'll be a momentous day when it arrives unmatched!! And, you daft arse, I've now bagged an invite to Oz... that's been my plan all along x Nothing daft about it, I will pick you up from the airport! And in response to your other reply, I don't know about you but I having been thinking recently that a lot of my own codependency comes from a compulsive need to be the 'good guy'. Not necessarily a nice guy, but it is like I keep telling myself this story in my head of who I am and what I have done and in it I have to be the hero or the good guy. Maybe it is from growing up on the A Team and Knight Rider and The Professionals, shit even High Chaparral lol. But the idea of telling myself that story and being the selfish one who looked after his own needs is really quite disturbing. But I can also see a life on the other side where I could just respond without having to be anything in particular and it feels very liberating. I had codependency issues too in regards to getting out of my marriage. My advice is simple, be good and nice to YOURSELF, and if that means staying in the marriage so be it. If it means an exit that's ok too. Whatever wil make unmatched a happy life.
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Post by Dan on Apr 11, 2017 8:03:00 GMT -5
Any chance of switching out a bag of coke for arsenic? Cyanide had crossed my mind My good Catholic mom used to say: "I don't believe in divorce. Murder, maybe, but not divorce."
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Post by Admin on Apr 11, 2017 8:17:45 GMT -5
dinnaken : Please consider starting a thread in the " Resources" board with this info, titled something like "Emergency Refuge Resources for Women in the U.K.".
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 19, 2017 13:35:44 GMT -5
Hi team ILIASM missing this place terribly but am taking strides in my healing...podcasting and reading myself to death on codependency, low self esteem, love addiction (thanks for that one cagedtiger!!!) etc etc. Am really of the belief now that there are 2 types of people on this planet.... Type 1 There are those who see a problem and blindly convince themselves it's everyone's fault but their own, and take victim status. Poor me poor me. Everyone's a bastard. I'll wallow in my misery and hope a sucker comes along so I can rely on them and wallow forever more in my disgusting blinkered self centred universe. Type 2 Then those who see a problem, and can objectively and compassionately work towards a solution with an open heart, open mind, balls and conviction. Whatever that solution is and however hard it is. Seeing their own flaws and working to improve. Wanting better and being prepared to work to get there. Understanding themselves, listening, learning, striving for better. Knowing how hard it is. Knowing there are pitfalls, knowing they'll sometimes fail and stumble .....but STILL choosing to grow and heal. Type 1's don't have to remain that way. They can choose to become a 2. BUT .... No one can make anyone else be a type 2. They need the motivation and the brains to choose it themselves. Guys...congratulations....we're all number 2's here ( ha ha ha. Not number 2 number 2's he he. 💩) I'm currently enjoying some time in Glasgow working...back home tomorrow night (boo) I will find time at some point to catch up on what's been going down here. Love you all fucking loads. EO XXXXXXX
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Post by greatcoastal on May 19, 2017 13:58:16 GMT -5
Hoping your "get a way" was a good strength builder for you ,to continue forward in your rebuilding journey!
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Post by solodriver on May 19, 2017 14:24:16 GMT -5
I'm so glad to see you here again EO! I hope you continue to feel better and help heal yourself. You're a beautiful, wonderful person who deserves the same in your life!!
Warm Hugs, SD
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Post by snowman12345 on May 20, 2017 16:25:46 GMT -5
Hi team ILIASM missing this place terribly but am taking strides in my healing...podcasting and reading myself to death on codependency, low self esteem, love addiction (thanks for that one cagedtiger !!!) etc etc. Am really of the belief now that there are 2 types of people on this planet.... Type 1 There are those who see a problem and blindly convince themselves it's everyone's fault but their own, and take victim status. Poor me poor me. Everyone's a bastard. I'll wallow in my misery and hope a sucker comes along so I can rely on them and wallow forever more in my disgusting blinkered self centred universe. Type 2 Then those who see a problem, and can objectively and compassionately work towards a solution with an open heart, open mind, balls and conviction. Whatever that solution is and however hard it is. Seeing their own flaws and working to improve. Wanting better and being prepared to work to get there. Understanding themselves, listening, learning, striving for better. Knowing how hard it is. Knowing there are pitfalls, knowing they'll sometimes fail and stumble .....but STILL choosing to grow and heal. Type 1's don't have to remain that way. They can choose to become a 2. BUT .... No one can make anyone else be a type 2. They need the motivation and the brains to choose it themselves. Guys...congratulations....we're all number 2's here ( ha ha ha. Not number 2 number 2's he he. 💩) I'm currently enjoying some time in Glasgow working...back home tomorrow night (boo) I will find time at some point to catch up on what's been going down here. Love you all fucking loads. EO XXXXXXX Yay EO! We've missed you so!
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 21, 2017 3:11:37 GMT -5
Holy shit. I found my voice at last. The business trip to Scotland gave me hours of driving time to listen to more mental health podcasts and to think about my situation. He called me on my way home. He told me he'd organised himself a small bag of weed that he would pay his dealer for when he gets paid next week. I asked why. Why does he keep sabotaging our finances every single month for weed. I told him it was ridiculous and did he realise how far into financial ruin he was taking us. He once again swore it would be the last. That was as far as I got on the phone. I was seething. Really mad. Then I calmed myself down and thought about what I could do differently to try to change the status quo of being scared to say what needs saying. Now I'm sure there will be people who disagree with my methodology here but I did try something different. I got home. Gave the kids my time, love and cuddles, then.... I smoked his weed with him. The combo of that, and all the learning I've been doing about me, allowed me to start the conversation. I couldn't even tell you how it started now but once I started I got it ALL out . The cards were put fully on the table. I allowed myself to be totally truthful. And I articulated it so well that there is now no doubt in his mind about how dysfunctional our relationship is and how his need to bury his past and my need to be accepted and loved and the reasons behind my insecurities have lead to us both behaving in ways that actually make each other worse. I talked him all the way through my internal issues and highlighted some of the reasons behind them. He cried. I cried. We hugged. He knows the relationship will never get better while we are exacerbating each other's issues and that being apart from each other is most likely the only way we have a chance of healing ourselves and making better lives for ourselves. He fucking understands! He also understands that I won't be pushing him into his self improvement. I've been absolutely clear that I know I can't do that and that he will (I hope for his sake) decide one day that he wants to be better and do something about it. He knows I understand why he is like he is and that I know he's in pain. He understands how his rejection of me has killed me inside. He knows why I've detached from him and don't kiss him back and don't do the "I love you" thing. He knows I've been considering ways out. He knows I'm beyond leaving my own needs to serve his. We left it there. The little one needed us back by then. There was no anger. Zero. There was a mutual understanding. A clearing of the air. An honesty we have NEVER managed to achieve. Wow. We got through a lot of tissues. Especially as we both have colds as well as all the crying!!! Si where does that leave things? Good question. All I know right now is that the situation is visible to us both. I hope the absence of anger will remain although I'm not sure it will. I'm ready if it does show itself. I'm ready to take what comes with my honesty and integrity because I can no longer live in fear and angst constantly. He's at work all day today so I'm sure there will be another talk tonight when he's processed some of the stuff we discussed.
But I'm ready. I'm positive. I've been honest and I intend to stay that way. Pretty much the only thing I omitted was the instances of outsourcing I did a while back. It felt like an unnecessary thing to hurt him with. Even in the dysfunction I know he actually does love me the best way he knows how. It's not enough for me but that doesn't take away from his feelings. And I'm not cruel. I don't want to cause unnecessary pain... but I'm not prepared to accept this way of life so some pain is naturally going to occur. Right now, I'm just happy to have said my piece without things spiralling into anger. I've never in my life understood myself this way and been able to articulate it so well. That's all thanks to the learning that started here and the subsequent work I've been doing myself. I'm making my life better by healing myself one step at a time. That's the plan and I'm sticking with it no matter the pain and consequence. Because it's worth it. For me, for him and especially for my boys. A million thank yous to everyone who has helped me by just being here. I really feel like things are changing.
Much love as always.
EO xoxoxox
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Post by baza on May 21, 2017 3:36:40 GMT -5
Presumably it is he who is moving out to provide the "zipcode therapy" here Sister eternaloptimism ??
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 21, 2017 4:12:05 GMT -5
We didn't get quite that far baza. I actually am not bothered who goes. I will be happy either way. It would make sense for him to go... he can't afford to stay without me. But if things turn difficult I'll just get my name off the rent agreement and go to my Mothers. Not ideal as she contributes to my internal struggles but for a short period of time it would work. I'm just happy today. I feel a huge release of pressure. Let's see how long it lasts! I gotta keep this momentum goI going and remember to honour myself. X
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Post by petrushka on May 21, 2017 4:27:18 GMT -5
A word of warning, eternaloptimism . I know your eejot is not my mother but I can use her as a good example. Many times in my late teens I spent a whole night talking to her, and in the end, I went to bed thinking that she'd finally maybe got a clue about what I tried to tell her. And then, the next morning, she'd totally deny that the conversation ever took place. No recollection of anything that had been said. No memory of what she'd agreed to not do any more. Freud would have had a field day. I've seen the same thing with other people in severely abusive relationships, but from more of a distance, less immediately and less crass. It happens. Shit, I hope it doesn't happen to you this time, but .... be careful, don't get too optimistic with this one night, hold back a bit.
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