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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 3, 2017 11:48:05 GMT -5
Laws may be different across the pond. Here after the divorce begins there are laws called "standing orders". Controllers and victims hate them and blatenly disregard them. This makes your case all that much stronger. As far as the rent goes and renewing a lease. I would keep it between you and the landlord. An ace up your sleeve. Just continue to say nothing. You did more than your part by informing him, once. I know it's against your giving nature, you want to give him opportunity, after opportunity. You hand him the knife, even tell him where in your back to put it, and how to twist it. Stop doing that! Think of a child playing with a lighter. What do you do? Show them how it works? NO. You immediately take it away, and put it in a safe place. Then you ask where did you get it? And you eliminate that source. You my friend are eliminating that source. You are helping the child, and helping everyone else's safety! Excellent analogies my friend Am learning and growing at every twist and turn here! Xx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 3, 2017 11:50:52 GMT -5
eternaloptimism, consider this... You are on the hook for the rent until the lease ends in November. Whether you are occupying the house is a completely separate matter. If it's the right time to go, then go. Pay the rent from afar. You were planning to settle at your mom's to transition anyway, so you're not looking at doubled-up rent costs. Yes, he will get an unjust "free ride" at your expense, but you will all be safe and away from his world of drugs. I'll wager that the utilities and other auxiliary services (cable, Internet) are not in both your names. Cancel your accounts and refer him to set them up in his name. He'll need to do this for himself eventually regardless; no reason that can't be now. Your generosity need extend only so far. Yes, you're on the hook for any damages he might make to the property, so you might not get your deposit back. At the same time, willful property damage is criminal, so he'd be wise not to set you up. If, like here, your locale factors into where your kids are schooled, getting this sorted out well before the next school year will be easier on them. If you like the place you're in, there's always a chance he will vacate early, leaving you the option to move back in (new locks!) and keep the kids in the same school. Hugs, DC Thanks DC. It's definitely something to consider. Things are semi- ok still but I may need to rethink at some point. Thankfully my mums house where I'll be going for a while is less than a javelin throw away so it would be easy enough to do without any disruption. Xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 3, 2017 11:51:59 GMT -5
You know it's times like this I just wish I'd never met him. But I have learned a lot from this school of real life these lasts 18 years. And I will use that knowledge to make sure I am never ever in a situation like this again. He has started the manipulation again this morning. First an apology. Then an admission that while I was out yesterday with the little one and the teenager was at his friend's he bought a bottle of vodka and got smashed on that and weed, hence why he was comatose when we all got in. He said he wants my help. I'm just staying out of the way again today. Me and little one have taken his best chick friend bowling, bumper car-ing, arcade gaming today and now we're enjoying some fresh air and sunshine at the park. I will do whatever it takes to get out of this with my boys safely. I am being careful. I promise xxx Oh he is asking for help, great, take him to a drug rehab facility, and make sure the intake personal know he has harmed you and he has threatened to harm himself reciently right? It is in everyone's best interest to help him. 😉 I like your train of thought HFC! Another option tucked up my sleeve xx
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 3, 2017 12:06:41 GMT -5
" Thanks DC. It's definitely something to consider. Things are semi- ok still but I may need to rethink at some point. "
He may not be directly threatening you and your children now, but he is an addicted, unstable, violent person who could be set off by anything. Right now, you and the children are probably walking on eggshells, but are so used to doing so that you don't realize that what you call "semi-ok" is what other people would view as choosing to live on top of a smoking volcano.
Other than the rent, is there any good reason for you to continue staying for 4 months (and the rent is not a good reason as you can pay rent whether or not you live there)? Keep in mind that you are subjecting your children to being around a father who is addicted to drugs and alcohol and had an explosive temper. It is a horrible way to live. I'm speaking from the experience of growing up in a very similar atmosphere. just because your STBX isn't currently raging doesn't mean that your kids and you no longer feel the effects of his latest tirade. I remember literally fearing my father would kill us. I also had symptoms of PTSD such as having difficulty going to sleep because of nightmares and physically shaking in terror. I don't think I ever told my mom about how I was feeling. I did not realize how abnormal it was to feel the way I did.
You are so lucky to have a supportive mother nearby whom you could move into right now.
If you haven't already, separate your bills from his and do what is necessary for you to not have to take on after divorce more debt that he caused. Also talk to a lawyer to find out what you need to do to move out and not be considered having abandoned your ex, which could cause you to have to pay more in the settlement. And find out what you need to do to freeze the amount of your husband's debt you will have to take on. He could do what some people do -- choose to run up debt to get back at you.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 4, 2017 23:55:48 GMT -5
Thanks northstarmom. He is not a good person to have around at all, but he's not to this level. I've avoided so much conflict over the years to prevent him raging. even now I am empowered and aware and doing something about splitting, I am using my conflict avoidance techniques while still saying what needs to be said and being true to myself. It's a big change from my perspective. Also we are not married so he will struggle to put me in further strife financially. I'm the one who has taken on any debt over the years and have made my peace with the fact he is unlikely to contribute to paying that off. If he doesn't I have no legal leg to stand on. (the man only got a bank account a couple years ago). It's a bummer considering we only have debt because of his habits. I'm not about to go running for the hills in fear of my life. The kids are affected. Have been affected. I am aware of this and am doing what I can to ensure they understand as much as is appropriate. They are the biggest part of why I'm sticking with my decision to leave. I have to do right by myself of course, but they come first. I'm not about to throw fuel on the smoking volcano. I'm keeping it low key and will get to the split with as little drama as possible. But with the caveat that I'm ready to leave any second if it becomes necessary.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 6, 2017 7:21:35 GMT -5
Thanks northstarmom . He is not a good person to have around at all, but he's not to this level. I've avoided so much conflict over the years to prevent him raging. even now I am empowered and aware and doing something about splitting, I am using my conflict avoidance techniques while still saying what needs to be said and being true to myself. It's a big change from my perspective. Also we are not married so he will struggle to put me in further strife financially. I'm the one who has taken on any debt over the years and have made my peace with the fact he is unlikely to contribute to paying that off. If he doesn't I have no legal leg to stand on. (the man only got a bank account a couple years ago). It's a bummer considering we only have debt because of his habits. I'm not about to go running for the hills in fear of my life. The kids are affected. Have been affected. I am aware of this and am doing what I can to ensure they understand as much as is appropriate. They are the biggest part of why I'm sticking with my decision to leave. I have to do right by myself of course, but they come first. I'm not about to throw fuel on the smoking volcano. I'm keeping it low key and will get to the split with as little drama as possible. But with the caveat that I'm ready to leave any second if it becomes necessary. EO, do it your way. You are the one in your circumstance and know the best way to handle things. I might suggest a trick I learned from my refuser - whatever you do, make it seem like his idea. Keep going Baby! You will get there!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 11, 2017 7:18:38 GMT -5
Firstly. I need to say that I'm really sorry I've not been participating actively lately.
I see so many posts that I want to respond to and want to give time and empathy to but I'm fucking struggling to cope with the intensity of everything at home just now.
It's bothering me that I'm not giving anything here at the moment.
Things are bad for my head and my household just now. I've been so positive. I've worked really hard on myself and realise it's ongoing, but I've taken massive steps to end this dysfunction. The lack of sex was what brought me here. Thankfully, the journey of discovery stemmed from this place too showing me that it wasn't just the lack of sex that was at the root of my misery. The layers have begun coming off. I've had so many moments of happiness and clarity. Thanks to you all here. Now because the top couple layers have gone, I feel like I'm in a huge black hole all of a sudden. Realisation of the effects this has had on my kids is dawning like a sledge hammer from nowhere. I've been so buried in functioning for so long. Making sure we are all housed clothed and fed and working my ass off because he has been less than dependable. Living in terror that I am solely responsible for everything because the other adult is not participating as a partner. But this bit isn't about him. Revelations that I have had have been stripping back my unconsciousness and keep revealing more and more. Today I feel powerless. I feel confused I feel guilt for how my children have been affected by my inaction to change the situation from it's core. I chose to keep working harder and harder for us to survive without looking at the cause. I'm blaming myself. My heart is destroyed thinking about what I should have done sooner.
I've passed bad habits on. Repression of feelings breaks people.
My poor children. What have I done.
My kids are talking to me now that's god. They are opening up. And it's like a floodgate has opened. I'm overwhelmed. I'm submerged. How can I help them. How can I help them move forwards.
My own clarity and strength of late has allowed me to reconnect with them on a proper level. I didn't know I wasn't doing so before.
They are messed up. The little one is in a real state of permanent anxiety. And it's my fault.
I understand that I could only Make the choices I thought were best at the time and I get guilt and blame will get us nowhere.
But today. Today I feel Im regressing to former state of mind because I don't know how to help them.
It would be so easy to stop the momentum of the ball I started rolling and go back to burying and pretending but I've come too far for that. It's not possible. And would be so wrong for all of us. I can't put us back in that black place.
I've opened the can of worms now.
There is no going back.
I want to cry but I'm scared I won't stop.
I am seeing the doctor with youngest later this week.
Just venting. Please don't feel you have to give me answers.
I will be ok because I have to be.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 11, 2017 7:35:14 GMT -5
I am new here so I dont know much of the back story and excuse me if I am out of place for responding. Still i could not help but to write. I am sad after reading your post. Your emotions are raw and that comes across.
I know it cant be easy at the moment. Maybe you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself in your desire to move forward.
Give yourself some credit for moving in the righ direction and try not to focus on where you currently are. That place is only a temporary state and it too shall pass.
Be gentle with yourself. You children will benefit from the gentleness. And keep pressing forward. You are not yet where you are meant to be. Dont lose sight of that.
Hugs
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2017 7:52:35 GMT -5
Please think on this Sister eternaloptimism . Kids are pretty resilient. And, the story does not end here. In fact, in many ways, the story actually starts here. The example you are now (and over recent times) setting your kids is exemplary. Sure, they probably have been banged up a bit by what you and your S.O. had been modelling for them in the past, but every day that now passes, with you presenting as a courageous person, making challenging choices, acting in a manner true to yourself as the unique caring person that you are is of far more substance than the "past" example they saw. And every day that now passes will entrench this model of eternaloptimism as a good one - and getting even better. That old model is done EO. Finished. And the new model is now going to start building its' own history. And you are going to go great at it. And your kids are going to see that, and most likely, aspire to emulate it in their own adult lives. Your kids are fortunate indeed to have chosen their mother so wisely. They've been gifted invaluable real life lessons out of all this. And, if you are determined to go over your past errors, then it is incumbent on you to also look at your current successes. And over time, you are going to find your present and future successes are going to far outweigh your errors in the past.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 13, 2017 12:11:35 GMT -5
I am new here so I dont know much of the back story and excuse me if I am out of place for responding. Still i could not help but to write. I am sad after reading your post. Your emotions are raw and that comes across. I know it cant be easy at the moment. Maybe you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself in your desire to move forward. Give yourself some credit for moving in the righ direction and try not to focus on where you currently are. That place is only a temporary state and it too shall pass. Be gentle with yourself. You children will benefit from the gentleness. And keep pressing forward. You are not yet where you are meant to be. Dont lose sight of that. Hugs Thanks D I appreciate you taking the time to post this. I'm riding the rollercoaster here Just trying to bring myself back into perspective is really hard some days, but I'm getting there. Xxx
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 13, 2017 12:12:53 GMT -5
Please think on this Sister eternaloptimism . Kids are pretty resilient. And, the story does not end here. In fact, in many ways, the story actually starts here. The example you are now (and over recent times) setting your kids is exemplary. Sure, they probably have been banged up a bit by what you and your S.O. had been modelling for them in the past, but every day that now passes, with you presenting as a courageous person, making challenging choices, acting in a manner true to yourself as the unique caring person that you are is of far more substance than the "past" example they saw. And every day that now passes will entrench this model of eternaloptimism as a good one - and getting even better. That old model is done EO. Finished. And the new model is now going to start building its' own history. And you are going to go great at it. And your kids are going to see that, and most likely, aspire to emulate it in their own adult lives. Your kids are fortunate indeed to have chosen their mother so wisely. They've been gifted invaluable real life lessons out of all this. And, if you are determined to go over your past errors, then it is incumbent on you to also look at your current successes. And over time, you are going to find your present and future successes are going to far outweigh your errors in the past. Aah baza thanks so much. This is really lovely. Smiling now xxx
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Post by becca on Jul 13, 2017 13:29:35 GMT -5
EO, Don't judge yourself so harshly. You were in pure survival mode. Our bodies response to physical pain when it becomes too much is to black out. I think we do that to some extent with emotional pain as well. We still look like functioning people but we are zombies just going through the motions. I know I did this in my own marriage the last few years and I know I let my children down. But I agree with baza that children are resilient. And that wasn't the end of your story. They get to see your strength and your decisiveness. They get to see you stand up and acknowledge that you deserve better and they deserve better. That will be the legacy. You are wide awake now and "reconnecting with them" and you can all heal together. Thank you for sharing this here.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 13, 2017 13:40:18 GMT -5
EO, Don't judge yourself so harshly. You were in pure survival mode. Our bodies response to physical pain when it becomes too much is to black out. I think we do that to some extent with emotional pain as well. We still look like functioning people but we are zombies just going through the motions. I know I did this in my own marriage the last few years and I know I let my children down. But I agree with baza that children are resilient. And that wasn't the end of your story. They get to see your strength and your decisiveness. They get to see you stand up and acknowledge that you deserve better and they deserve better. That will be the legacy. You are wide awake now and "reconnecting with them" and you can all heal together. Thank you for sharing this here. I hope your children are doing the same for you!!!
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tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by tori on Jul 13, 2017 17:43:19 GMT -5
EO, I am worried about the pills. What are they? I have a lot of experience with psych meds, mostly giving them. Anti depressants cause more trouble in the long run. Anti anxiety meds can be a trap. Therapy, on the other hand, has much less side effects. Bravo! Hope the therapy goes well. It has done shit for wife and , but it can be helpful. Completely agree. Pills aren't going to make you feel complete. The hassle of getting off them just doesn't make them appealing to me ( my 2 cents) But of course you do what's best for you. Back when I found out my H was cheating, I was a complete disaster, acid reflux 24/7, stomach in knots, loose bowels (sorry TMI)) If I had the energy to make an appointment and drive my sorry ass to the dr I'd be on the maximum dosage of anything that would take the pain away. Instead of running from the pain I dove into it and allowed myself to feel like garbage after all, I'd been had by my H, completely deceived. I cried, I laughed, became angry, and finally came to the point where I now pity him because he doesn't have the balls to come out of the closet. Please know that it's not you...the problem lies within your partner.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 13, 2017 17:49:41 GMT -5
One step at a time. One day at a time. Kids are strong and resilient and they will be ok. If you can reach out to family like your mom use those resources to help. My heart hurts for you E. Big hug Xoxo
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