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Post by bballgirl on Dec 5, 2016 22:45:42 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Hugs
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Post by eternaloptimism on Dec 6, 2016 1:19:46 GMT -5
Wow JonDoe. That's a fucking horrible situation to have to deal with. I'm so sorry about your brother. He probably knew you'd be the one to put him straight and that's why he didn't divulge his real feelings to you. Lots of love xx |
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Post by baza on Dec 6, 2016 1:59:19 GMT -5
Zipcode therapy has a pretty good strike rate in helping move ILIASM shitholes along to resolution.
If it is logistically possible for you to do so Brother JD, it is well worth considering, even as just temporary respite care for yourself whilst you gather your resources.
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Post by nancyb on Dec 6, 2016 5:26:57 GMT -5
JohnDoe: So sorry for the tragic loss of your brother. A grief like that never goes away. Regarding your wife choosing to holiday at that time...Unfortunate to say the least.
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Post by wewbwb on Dec 6, 2016 6:31:02 GMT -5
There are no words of comfort to ease to passing of a sibling.
You have our condolences.
While it shouldn't, it still surprises me the level of selfishness and thoughtlessness of some people.
At the very least, you should take a weekend and "clear your head"
The cocktails aren't going to drink themselves
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Post by becca on Dec 6, 2016 14:06:02 GMT -5
JonDoe, I can't begin to iimagine the pain that losing your brother caused you. It broke my heart to read your story. I also can't begin to understand your wife going on vacation at that time. It is a level of selfishness that is foreign to me. "And to this day she justifies it as what she needed" That speaks volumes. It is time for you to be selfish and do what YOU need.
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Post by obobfla on Dec 6, 2016 20:01:16 GMT -5
JonDoe, so sorry about your brother. His behavior seems normal for someone who commits suicide. When someone suicidal gets calm, it usually means that they've made their decision. But that is of little solace to the survivors. As to your wife, that is inexcusable. To me, that's worse than refusing you. In a marriage, you need a partner who will support you as you support them. It can't be 50-50. Sometimes it goes to 70-30 or even 90-10 when one spouse hurts. To take off when you are dealing with your brother's suicide is weak and selfish. I had something similar happen to me when I was admitted to the hospital. My wife was too scared to drive to the hospital. As it turned out, the reason I was hospitalized was because of stress from her! Like you, I should have left her. Now, she is physically sick, and I am stuck taking care of her!
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Post by deborahmanning on Dec 6, 2016 21:47:15 GMT -5
Oh Jon I'm so sorry. What a terrible way to lose your brother, and to feel that everyone else knew -- that must still be causing immense distance and pain.
I wish we could start a collection and send you where you wanted to go, then join you for a margarita party, so you could send amazing postcards and photos back to your STBX!
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 6, 2016 21:58:13 GMT -5
Oh Jon I'm so sorry. What a terrible way to lose your brother, and to feel that everyone else knew -- that must still be causing immense distance and pain. I wish we could start a collection and send you where you wanted to go, then join you for a margarita party, so you could send amazing postcards and photos back to your STBX! It was a painful time for sure. I felt as if I was losing a brother, parents, wife and best friend, all at once. I almost completely stopped communicating with my parents because of this and other deep stuff, and clearly about to end the relationship with my wife and best friend too. |
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 6, 2016 22:12:56 GMT -5
JonDoe , I can't begin to iimagine the pain that losing your brother caused you. It broke my heart to read your story. I also can't begin to understand your wife going on vacation at that time. It is a level of selfishness that is foreign to me. "And to this day she justifies it as what she needed" That speaks volumes. It is time for you to be selfish and do what YOU need. The truly toughest part for me was my deep, deep, empathy upon learning what he suffered through and how extremely lonely he must have been in the final days, hour, minutes, and even seconds leading up to his final breath. I have such vivid thoughts of the scenario. And then words cannot express what I feel for his two daughters and what they went through. As for the level of selfishness exhibited by the wife, even I was completely gobsmacked, and I've lived with this woman for 25+ very long years. |
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Post by deborahmanning on Dec 6, 2016 22:20:21 GMT -5
It's terrible. Those poor girls. I hope he is out of his pain, and that someday theirs will lessen.
When did this happen -- what time of year? Are you nearing it now? Are you OK?
I mean, not OK but, persisting.
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 6, 2016 22:28:09 GMT -5
As to your wife, that is inexcusable. To me, that's worse than refusing you. In a marriage, you need a partner who will support you as you support them. It can't be 50-50. Sometimes it goes to 70-30 or even 90-10 when one spouse hurts. To take off when you are dealing with your brother's suicide is weak and selfish. I am usually over most of her selfish actions within a few days at most, but not this one. I still haven't been able to forgive her for it. Add in the patterns of refusal and you are left with deep resentment. |
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Post by JonDoe on Dec 6, 2016 22:38:21 GMT -5
It's terrible. Those poor girls. I hope he is out of his pain, and that someday theirs will lessen. When did this happen -- what time of year? Are you nearing it now? Are you OK? I mean, not OK but, persisting. It was a few years ago. Yes, I'm "OK" all things considered. I'm coping, but sad and lonely as I journey through the divorce planning and acceptance. Not gonna lie though, it is difficult putting the plan into action knowing it will require more effort and bring more stress and emotions, when I'm already emotionally drained, but it is what I need, to move on and move forward. Onwards and upwards as they say. |
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Post by deborahmanning on Dec 6, 2016 22:47:12 GMT -5
Take the time you need and don't let anyone on this board, or in this world, shame you for making decisions at your own pace. I have rarely posted here because of one persistently condescending creep. I am "out", and I do not regret a moment of the time it took to be ready and prepared. You seem grounded and balanced in your attitude, FWIW from another stranger.
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Post by lyn on Dec 7, 2016 5:13:49 GMT -5
JonDoe I am profoundly sorry for your loss. There are no words of solace anyone can offer that can lessen the pain in losing someone you love to suicide. I lost my brother to suicide as well. I was 14 and he was 19 - his wife left him for his best friend. My parents refused to talk to me or my siblings about it at all. Your wife........ I have no words. Reprehensible is all I will venture to say as I shouldn't say what I would like to. I wish for you the strength to move on from Her at some point.
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