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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 22, 2016 8:51:41 GMT -5
I haven't read about female grey-a, but I plan to while I have to much time on my hands this holiday. "unverifiable mix of desires, and attractions" reminds me of the comparison of how the female brain and the male brain works. The female brain, has thousands of wires, and electrodes all firing off at the same time, while multi-tasking is going on. While the male brain compartmentalizes, one thing at a time, section by section.
I am thinking of starting a thread based on the notion that all is great, bar the sex. That there is so,so, much hourly, daily, communication that needs to happen, can happen, does happen, when you give yourself openly, making yourself vulnerable, so you can desire someone else and they can desire you intimately.
It is such a large percentage of the relationship/marriage that without it the rest falls apart.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 22, 2016 10:46:28 GMT -5
I haven't read about female grey-a, but I plan to while I have to much time on my hands this holiday. "unverifiable mix of desires, and attractions" reminds me of the comparison of how the female brain and the male brain works. The female brain, has thousands of wires, and electrodes all firing off at the same time, while multi-tasking is going on. While the male brain compartmentalizes, one thing at a time, section by section. I am thinking of starting a thread based on the notion that all is great, bar the sex. That there is so,so, much hourly, daily, communication that needs to happen, can happen, does happen, when you give yourself openly, making yourself vulnerable, so you can desire someone else and they can desire you intimately. It is such a large percentage of the relationship/marriage that without it the rest falls apart. My thoughts on that "unverifiable mix of desires, and attractions": It validates every and all excuses of any refuser. End of discussion.... |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 22, 2016 10:54:42 GMT -5
I haven't read about female grey-a, but I plan to while I have to much time on my hands this holiday. "unverifiable mix of desires, and attractions" reminds me of the comparison of how the female brain and the male brain works. The female brain, has thousands of wires, and electrodes all firing off at the same time, while multi-tasking is going on. While the male brain compartmentalizes, one thing at a time, section by section. I am thinking of starting a thread based on the notion that all is great, bar the sex. That there is so,so, much hourly, daily, communication that needs to happen, can happen, does happen, when you give yourself openly, making yourself vulnerable, so you can desire someone else and they can desire you intimately. It is such a large percentage of the relationship/marriage that without it the rest falls apart. My thoughts on that "unverifiable mix of desires, and attractions": It validates every and all excuses of any refuser. End of discussion.... Bingo. |
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 22, 2016 10:59:14 GMT -5
It does, but it doesn't mean it isn't sometimes true.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 22, 2016 11:08:30 GMT -5
It does, but it doesn't mean it isn't sometimes true. Absolutely. It could be true in every case, and I am pretty sure that it is true with my partner. But with some, there is no limit to rationalizing and excusing and I am just not interested in the why anymore. if the bottom line is justifying refusal, the reasons just don't matter to me anymore. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 22, 2016 11:17:39 GMT -5
It does, but it doesn't mean it isn't sometimes true. Absolutely. It could be true in every case, and I am pretty sure that it is true with my partner. But with some, there is no limit to rationalizing and excusing and I am just not interested in the why anymore. if the bottom line is justifying refusal, the reasons just don't matter to me anymore. I spent 6-12 months (once or twice a week) in marriage counseling. The counseling was initiated by me having a major talk about our sexlessness. This was 7-10 years into a marriage that went suddenly sexless the day after the wedding. Yes, huge Bait N Switch. The counsellors insisted that the solution required us to first fix all the other problems in the marriage and most of those problems were the result of the sexlessness. I was not allowed to talk about sex during this long process. She was totally engaged until the counsellors decided to talk about sex. One session of that and she lost all interest in the counseling and it ended. It is possible I'm a total dickhead. Or maybe the idea of it all being my fault gave her validation for ever more control without returning any of my needs? Yea I'm cynical. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 22, 2016 11:31:40 GMT -5
It does, but it doesn't mean it isn't sometimes true. My real world example above was just to illustrate the extent that excuse can be taken. And because the sexlessness was so sudden and coincided with the wedding day it raised the very important question: if I was good enough to marry why was I not good enough to fuck the next day??? I never got a good answer to that. After a long discussion that I limited to that question she turned to me with a very cold look and said: "I had my reasons but I'll never tell you" That after 30 years of how I wasn't good enough to fuck.... |
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 22, 2016 11:42:37 GMT -5
Yeah, clearly not asexuality there. And that remark is a killer.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 22, 2016 11:46:31 GMT -5
Yeah, clearly not asexuality there. And that remark is a killer. To me she was clearly gray-a. Using sex purely as a tool and then a weapon... She has other related issues, including intimacy aversion but I'm not convinced those two issues aren't tightly intertwined |
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 12:12:43 GMT -5
I don't really get how one stays for 30 years like that. 30 years? After a year or so don't you go from being a victim to being a volunteer?
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Post by beachguy on Nov 22, 2016 12:27:54 GMT -5
I don't really get how one stays for 30 years like that. 30 years? After a year or so don't you go from being a victim to being a volunteer? Apparently you stayed for 10? Why were you not out after the first year? |
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 12:40:27 GMT -5
I don't really get how one stays for 30 years like that. 30 years? After a year or so don't you go from being a victim to being a volunteer? Apparently you stayed for 10? Why were you not out after the first year? First, I think the same of myself. I own that I chose to stay of my own accord. Second, we had 10 very sexual years after the wedding. The sexlessness was after 3 kids. I'm pretty sure there would have been a serious reckoning if I was sexless the day after the wedding. |
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Post by beachguy on Nov 22, 2016 12:49:42 GMT -5
Apparently you stayed for 10? Why were you not out after the first year? First, I think the same of myself. I own that I chose to stay of my own accord. Second, we had 10 very sexual years after the wedding. The sexlessness was after 3 kids. I'm pretty sure there would have been a serious reckoning if I was sexless the day after the wedding. So it's a week after the wedding. You're getting divorced because you didn't get laid last week? Rather Jerry Springer and that was 10 years before Springer and the Internet. And etc. I seriously considered getting out about 3 months in, I had made the decision but chickened out. Six months in, as I was building my resolve, she got pregnant in a near immaculate conception. The rest is history. "For the children" and all that. I said the marriage was sexless from the beginning. But not celibate. She was a master of the reset . |
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 12:53:58 GMT -5
The whole thing sucks man. What a waste.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 22, 2016 13:03:51 GMT -5
Apparently you stayed for 10? Why were you not out after the first year? I'm pretty sure there would have been a serious reckoning if I was sexless the day after the wedding. You'll never know because you will never walk in those shoes. I could elaborate in depth at how difficult it would have been for me but too much TMI. It's never that simple. And there are a number of members here who got a similar wedding day bait n switch. I personally took my vows very seriously and on top of that it is difficult to describe the feeling of utter failure, bailing out of a marriage inside the first year. I would never marry again. That I'm quite sure of. I've changed a lot since I was young and stupid and believed in those vows. |
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