|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 18, 2016 13:52:32 GMT -5
Oh no..
I AM vacillating like a pathetic worm : /
Just returned from a family holiday where everything was so normal and husband so happy and talking of the future..
Returned to house - all cosy and comfortable and started sailing backwards in my thinking: if only I could just content myself with my lot ( I am actually very lucky if I just forego the need for intimacy/sex).
I don't think I can own that choice although I sometimes think I am greedy and selfish expecting to have it all..
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 14:41:23 GMT -5
It's so easy to write it all off... It's just sex, right? OTOH... (I don't need to finish that do I ?)
|
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 18, 2016 15:56:08 GMT -5
As said - a worm turning away from the sun, becoming gradually more translucent, the tunnel towards any light lengthening and hope lessening. Bleak outlook is settling and colour is vanishing.
Don't think I will forgive myself if I stay.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2016 17:04:59 GMT -5
Your comment is so commonplace here. we have all felt it. I am not minimizing what you're saying but instead saying it probably one of the most powerful excuses we make to ourselves to stay.... and we do year after year
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 17:21:43 GMT -5
Don't think I will forgive myself if I stay. Then please don't stay. I stayed 30 years. I left 2 years ago and I haven't yet forgiven myself for wasting 30 years of my life. Please don't be me, and our histories are quite similar. It was never right and there was never any real hope it would be right. |
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Nov 18, 2016 17:38:12 GMT -5
callisto I will not tell anyone what to do or think. I will say however that I see it differently. I see a person who is loyal to others. I see a person who is giving and caring and kind. Who puts others before herself. These aren't bad things. YOU need to be comfortable with what you choose.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 18, 2016 18:13:34 GMT -5
You can if you want - base your choice on -
(a) - your shared history over "X" years covering all the ups and downs that has involved, and the potential for that to continue.
(b) - your most recent holiday, and the potential for that to continue.
-
Your job is to do the choosing.
Whatever data or methodology you want to use to base your choice on, is at your discretion.
-
What is NOT optional is the consequences - good and/or bad - that then ensue.
You own them, either way.
-
Choice is a bitch, but much as we would like it to be otherwise, no-one gets a pass on that responsibility.
You don't get to "opt out" and duck that responsibility.
Sure, you can "opt out" of the choosing process, but that means the default choice kicks in - more of the same - just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen it.
-
This is an awful part of the process you are in Sister Callisto.
I am feeling for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 19, 2016 0:14:02 GMT -5
I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I had stayed. Everyone has their own deal & only you are the expert on what your deal is.
I had gotten to a level of dysfunctional that was dehumanizing, dismissive of me as a human who deserved Please/Thanks, not to mention dismissive of me as a woman (never even MIND about the word "cherish" from a he vows).
I couldn't have lived with myself if I had stayed. But that was MY deal. Only YOU know your deal.
My choice came to: certain misery & disappointing myself or opportunity for non-misery. I chose the uncertain opportunity.
I haven't found anyone, hardly even dated at all yet. But I'm still glad I did it. I'm grateful that I didn't disappoint myself by accepting absolutely unacceptable treatment again & more & again.
Everyone's mileage may vary.
|
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on Nov 19, 2016 8:09:00 GMT -5
callisto I feel very similar to you right now. We have a good life and for the most part a pretty good marriage. We are good friends, good co-parents, good partners. If I could just forgo the intimacy and sex... But I know if I look back on a life lived this way I am going to regret it. I guess it is also possible that I might look back one day and regret throwing it all up in the air, but at least that one is only a maybe. Life is there to be lived and experienced as fully and deeply as we can, and if I look at things in that light there is only one option. Living the rest of my life in black and white is just too depressing.
|
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 19, 2016 13:29:24 GMT -5
Don't think I will forgive myself if I stay. Then please don't stay. I stayed 30 years. I left 2 years ago and I haven't yet forgiven myself for wasting 30 years of my life. Please don't be me, and our histories are quite similar. It was never right and there was never any real hope it would be right. Beachguy, thank you - my marriage was never really right either- I loved him, lusted after him, was hurt and rejected by him, adapted to him, lost a bit of hope, adapted further, lost all excitement or thrill, adapted and forget what I had ever expected, became more and more(dangerously?) caring and understanding of my spouses' ideosyncracies and less and less caring or understanding of my self. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 19, 2016 13:36:22 GMT -5
Then please don't stay. I stayed 30 years. I left 2 years ago and I haven't yet forgiven myself for wasting 30 years of my life. Please don't be me, and our histories are quite similar. It was never right and there was never any real hope it would be right. Beachguy, thank you - my marriage was never really right either- I loved him, lusted after him, was hurt and rejected by him, adapted to him, lost a bit of hope, adapted further, lost all excitement or thrill, adapted and forget what I had ever expected, became more and more(dangerously?) caring and understanding of my spouses' ideosyncracies and less and less caring or understanding of my self. Starting with my devastating and sexless honeymoon, my marriage followed a pattern of me adjusting to increased misery, followed by her ratcheting the intimacy down further. Each time I adjusted she lowered the bar. The important point is that it never really hit rock bottom. I think anyone thinking "I've adjusted to the new reality, this is the future" is not realistically picturing the future, with endlessly lowered bars. I hope you find happiness in a decision that will get you there. |
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 19, 2016 13:42:02 GMT -5
callisto I will not tell anyone what to do or think. I will say however that I see it differently. I see a person who is loyal to others. I see a person who is giving and caring and kind. Who puts others before herself. These aren't bad things. YOU need to be comfortable with what you choose. WEWBWB, This made me cry and cry and cry... maybe sometimes we need to imagine what we would give if we were to be caring and kind to ourselves too.. |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 19, 2016 13:56:02 GMT -5
callisto I will not tell anyone what to do or think. I will say however that I see it differently. I see a person who is loyal to others. I see a person who is giving and caring and kind. Who puts others before herself. These aren't bad things. YOU need to be comfortable with what you choose. WEWBWB, This made me cry and cry and cry... maybe sometimes we need to imagine what we would give if we were to be caring and kind to ourselves too.. Yes we are people too. And our happiness counts too. |
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 19, 2016 19:03:57 GMT -5
You can if you want - base your choice on - (a) - your shared history over "X" years covering all the ups and downs that has involved, and the potential for that to continue. (b) - your most recent holiday, and the potential for that to continue. - Your job is to do the choosing. Whatever data or methodology you want to use to base your choice on, is at your discretion. - What is NOT optional is the consequences - good and/or bad - that then ensue. You own them, either way. - Choice is a bitch, but much as we would like it to be otherwise, no-one gets a pass on that responsibility. You don't get to "opt out" and duck that responsibility. Sure, you can "opt out" of the choosing process, but that means the default choice kicks in - more of the same - just as surely as if you had deliberately chosen it. - This is an awful part of the process you are in Sister Callisto. I am feeling for you. I know you are right, about choosing and about not choosing being, 'default choosing'.. Trying to be pragmatic and not to keep swimming off in emotions and, 'What if's..' None of it seems to help my addled brain. Infact the pragmatism does... |
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 19, 2016 19:52:24 GMT -5
callisto I feel very similar to you right now. We have a good life and for the most part a pretty good marriage. We are good friends, good co-parents, good partners. If I could just forgo the intimacy and sex... But I know if I look back on a life lived this way I am going to regret it. I guess it is also possible that I might look back one day and regret throwing it all up in the air, but at least that one is only a maybe. Life is there to be lived and experienced as fully and deeply as we can, and if I look at things in that light there is only one option. Living the rest of my life in black and white is just too depressing. Unmatched, We sound pretty much attuned. I can hardly believe that it can be this difficult. I feel I have to make my mind up now or not at all... Either do it absolutely or absolutely forget it once and for all. Never ever again think about what I am missing but remember what I have and be grateful for it. Or go now and give myself a chance to renew and experience afresh .. I am making myself ill havering around and I want to either firmly commit to my husband or leave. My stomach hurts so much and my heart feels like it will burst as does my brain. This is the worst time of my life. I know I am selfish for people have many more terrible choices or non-choices in their lives. |
|
