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Post by DryCreek on Nov 12, 2016 18:06:39 GMT -5
"Our sex life is dead, so I'll be having sex elsewhere. You can decide whether to accept an open marriage, or split the assets and pay me alimony (and child support?) for a couple decades."
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Post by Caris on Nov 13, 2016 11:24:16 GMT -5
[Hi Baz, Thank you for your extremely well considered pragmatic (as always) response. My reply is modified from a previous post explaining my situation. I consulted a lawyer and was given bad news.I live in a place where they judge on what the court deem fair rather than a straight 50/50. Due to a set of unbelievable circumstances (and loopholes built into the law ) arising from my husband's accident which ended his career just 2months before we married the scales are weighted towards him - To cut to the chase I could be very, very unlucky.. I may end up with 40% of the house or nothing at all as the court are given wide discretion to whether all or, non of house value is paid to him. Since I have no kids ( haha - how could there be?) to balance any weighting I may be given little if anything. He has a large monthly income plus is due a substantial pension when it comes. . Most spouses are entitled to a share of spousal pension in divorce commensurate to their time in the marriage- because of particular circumstances I may receive very little if anything. So his accident has dissolved the usual norms for spouses at separation/ divorce. I would like to clarify that I do work- my job yields a substantial supporting wage but will not buy me much more than a room in a shared flat (bills, taxes etc) if I don't get any alimony payment or anything else.. - and I have sunk substantial amounts and every penny earned into refurbishment and upkeep of the house and stupidly (as it turns out) saved nothing for myself. My husband knows the value of coin and may well be ruthless in protecting himself. It will be a case of fingers crossed and no surety. The lawyer did say it was very, very unlikely I would get nothing but couldn't rule it out. So it boils down to this, financially I may be well and truly screwed if I leave but it will be the only good screwing I'm ever likely to have if I don't get out. What would you do?  ?? The best answer I can give is "results will vary" for each individual. Before I got out and after I got out, I thought "getting out" was the only solution, but I've changed my mind about this. If my then spouse was only refusing sex and affection toward me (which alone was very painful and miserable to live with), in retrospect, I would have been better off staying because I'd still have my beautiful home, dog I loved, and financial security. I'd still have healthcare, and it was fantastic healthcare. I'm without all of that now. The irony is that now I'm post menopausal, my libido is greatly diminished, so I no longer suffer the daily torment of desiring sexual intimacy. With that ticked off, I could actually live with him refusing me, although I still need affection, love, and hugs, but married or single, I don't have that in my life, so in that aspect I'm still in the same boat. What's different is I live in a very small apartment, on a low income which the government takes a good percentage of, and I'm denied health insurance. I have no social life (and couldn't afford one if I did), so I live alone. I work out, ride my bike in summer, read a lot, can't afford cable tv, and can't access network tv, so I use a firestick. My cognitive ability is greatly diminished due to CPTSD, from the abuse and stress of 25-years, so I've basically left society, and it's terribly lonely, but I manage to exist nevertheless...and I'm strong. Strong...yeah...strong...where has that gotten me? Sorry, there is a lot of pain bubbling up here as I write this, and with no healthcare, I get no help with that. I'm feeling upset about losing my healthcare again right now, but that's another story. My point is, only you know your life, what you can live with. Results will vary for each person, depending on age, past experiences, personality type, culture, beliefs, etc; but now on reflection, I would have stayed, and not given up so much had it only been about the rejection. Unfortunately (for me), it was much more than that. I wish you strength to make a very tough decision. At least I don't have that anymore. |
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Post by callisto on Nov 14, 2016 9:26:06 GMT -5
Dear Baz
Thank you, you write with clarity conveying an uncluttered and vivid snapshot into your experience. It is heartening to read and does actually give me hope that I might be ok eventually despite loosing home and financial security..
Dear Caris
You paint a very different view. It makes me pretty, damn nervous in many ways reading your story ..
I am in my mid forties. I feel like I just can't allow myself to be celibate for potentially half a century more. It
seems like a virtual suicide mission of the self to chose voluntary sexual abstinence for another 50years and this next 15 years might be my best chance to try for a new life.
I really, really hope you feel better soon and that you don't disavow the decision you made, don't let the SM blight your future existence by airbrushing the past. I know it is easy to do as I seem to be doing it already.
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Post by unmatched on Nov 14, 2016 18:28:23 GMT -5
callisto, just one more perspective on the financial side of things. If you are still in your mid forties you have probably worked for 25 years, and you are quite likely to work for another 25 to come (especially as retirement ages are getting later and later). That puts you roughly half way through your working life. That has a couple of implications - firstly if you are not happy with your financial situation then you have plenty of time to fix it if you are willing to undergo some temporary hardship to do so. And secondly every year you stay in your marriage makes you more dependent on your husband, and will make your life harder and give you less time to sort yourself out if and when you do leave. If you stay another 10 years, you would be in a substantially worse position than you are now. So from that perspective, unless you really think you can stick this out for the rest of your life, staying married for financial reasons is exactly the wrong thing for someone in your position to do.
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