Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2016 10:08:34 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Nov 11, 2016 10:54:46 GMT -5
I liked the article and I have always said there is no cookie cutter solution for anyone. We all have one life on this Earth and we should live it in a way that is authentic to ourselves and brings happiness to our lives.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 11, 2016 12:08:03 GMT -5
Yet another person who thought marriage (or other LT commitment) would solve a fundamental sexual compatibility problem. Or any other deep relationship problem.
Baz could have written that with his constant "are you sure everything is good bar the sex?"
It's amazing how people can delude themselves while in the fog of a dysfunctional relationship.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 11, 2016 15:59:38 GMT -5
The contributor essentially says -
"Everything is great, bar the fact that I have largely lost confidence in his having my best interests at heart. I don’t trust him to care about my psychological or emotional well-being. Because of this lack of trust, I am no longer in a place emotionally where I feel I can even bring up my lack of sexual satisfaction. I am at the point that when I think of attaining sexual satisfaction, the thought of attempting it with him is unpleasant to me.
-
And the respondent essentially says -
"But wouldn’t it be better to find out how he would respond, rather than speculating? Suppose he knew what I know now. Are you sure he wouldn’t want to work to make things better? If that conversation really does go badly, however, you’ll know more clearly where you stand. And so, by the way, will he."
-
Although the level of sugar coating has been applied very liberally. the respondent appears to be saying -
"You are going to have to put the marriage on the line if you want to sort this out."
And, he's right.
-
All that is missing is the respondent suggesting that the contributor see a lawyer and develop[ an exit strategy BEFORE putting the marriage on the line.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 11, 2016 17:28:18 GMT -5
I can relate to this article in a different way. My first relationship was very good in the sex department. She encouraged it,and my advances were welcomed. What lacked was the commitment to one person.
The next relationship definitely showed the commitment. The sex and intimacy part was as far as you could take it without actually going there. That lead to expectations for after the marriage. Not the kind of thing that you easily discuss in your early twenties.( for us anyways).weeks, months into the marriage came the, subtle, crafty, word manipulation, leading to a let down,of what I wanted our sex life to be like.
The wording was probably not harsh or severe, but the thoughts of "don't bring that up again", last for ever. So the marriage did not solve the sexual compatibility problem. Instead it is one of the most powerful tools to suppress it.
Which brings up the question/fear, do people my age show and administer such sexual advances now? like they did in there early twenties? If I meet someone like that will there be too much speculation that the person would never settle for one lover again.?
Can these issues be openly communicated,and can there be trust in the answers? Do other minds who have been through the SM think this way?
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 11, 2016 17:45:24 GMT -5
greatcoastal ... Should it be discussed? Absolutely. We are adults Is there trust that the communication would be honest? I've said before my wife to be took me back to her place and fucked my brains out on my first date. I thought I found a porn star. But somewhere between that date and our wedding a bare year later she left me high and dry and sexless. Did I communicate my exact expectations? No, I made some obviously bad assumptions. Would she have been honest if I had made my expectations clear? I seriously doubt it, based on all the bs and gas lighting I got in the ensuing decades. Because of that I don't know how I could trust again, no matter how furiously she fucked me and no matter what she promised. For those reasons I can't imagine reenlisting for yet another tour of that duty. If I did there would be a clear and written understanding that the vow of fidelity was replaced with a right of first refusal. I doubt I'd get any offers of marriage under those terms, which is fine by me. And it would certainly shut down any uncomfortable demands for a legal marriage 
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Nov 11, 2016 18:21:21 GMT -5
greatcoastal ... Should it be discussed? Absolutely. We are adults Is there trust that the communication would be honest? I've said before my wife to be took me back to her place and fucked my brains out on my first date. I thought I found a porn star. But somewhere between that date and our wedding a bare year later she left me high and dry and sexless. Did I communicate my exact expectations? No, I made some obviously bad assumptions. Would she have been honest if I had made my expectations clear? I seriously doubt it, based on all the bs and gas lighting I got in the ensuing decades. Because of that I don't know how I could trust again, no matter how furiously she fucked me and no matter what she promised. For those reasons I can't imagine reenlisting for yet another tour of that duty. If I did there would be a clear and written understanding that the vow of fidelity was replaced with a right of first refusal. I doubt I'd get any offers of marriage under those terms, which is fine by me. And it would certainly shut down any uncomfortable demands for a legal marriage I'm with you! No way in hell I'm signing up for another tour either but for me it was more of a prison sentence. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 11, 2016 18:32:46 GMT -5
Okay we are on the same page. Lets turn the page. No to a legal marriage.You meet someone, you openly share and discuss your needs, and desires, all seems good. Then comes the questions. How trusting? For how long? to what extent? With the next person? Or the next?
You can only live on a starship for so long. Exploring new life, seeking out new worlds, etc...
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Nov 11, 2016 18:44:09 GMT -5
greatcoastal I can only share with you my dating experiences. I prefer to openly talk with a man about sex before we meet, at least get a little flirty. On a first date at the minimum I would want a kiss or make out session to see if there's chemistry so that nobody is wasting time. I also think before two people have sex they should talk about it: likes, dislikes, fantasies, fetishes, etc. Did I trust the men I dated? Absolutely not. Trust is earned. We are meeting and we are strangers. There are men on this forum I have never met IRL but I trust them. The difference is time has gone by and you get to know someone and that takes awhile. Do they lie? Maybe but that's ok because I'm not always truthful. Nobody knows I have a FWB and it's none of their business. So if I'm on a dating app and chatting with a man, a lot of times they will ask When was the last time you had sex? "This morning" is not the answer they want to hear so I say "June", sounds a lot better. Disclaimer: I used the word "dated" for lack of a better word but honestly in my mind it's not dating it's more like meeting and sometimes having sex to see if you would want to date. The key is expect nothing, live in the moment and enjoy the experience for what it is and be careful.
|
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 11, 2016 19:13:52 GMT -5
So if I'm on a dating app and chatting with a man, a lot of times they will ask When was the last time you had sex? "This morning" is not the answer they want to hear so I say "June", sounds a lot better So... They want a porn star but not a very successful one? |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Nov 11, 2016 19:24:27 GMT -5
[quote author=" bballgirl" source="/post/38241/thread" timestamp="1478907849" So if I'm on a dating app and chatting with a man, a lot of times they will ask When was the last time you had sex? "This morning" is not the answer they want to hear so I say "June", sounds a lot better So... They want a porn star but not a very successful one?[/quote] It really is a fine line between coming off as a slut and just a sexually confident woman. Of course everyone is different too with their intentions. Some men just want to hookup once and some say they are falling in love after a week (are you kidding me?! Huge red flag). |
|
|
|
Post by beachguy on Nov 11, 2016 19:26:56 GMT -5
[quote author=" bballgirl" source="/post/38241/thread" timestamp="1478907849" So if I'm on a dating app and chatting with a man, a lot of times they will ask When was the last time you had sex? "This morning" is not the answer they want to hear so I say "June", sounds a lot better So... They want a porn star but not a very successful one? It really is a fine line between coming off as a slut and just a sexually confident woman. Of course everyone is different too with their intentions. Some men just want to hookup once and some say they are falling in love after a week (are you kidding me?! Huge red flag). [/quote] You already know how much I love your posts and how I feel about our repressed society that hasn't gotten the memo yet that queen Victoria died... LOL |
|
|
|
Post by JonDoe on Nov 11, 2016 21:01:45 GMT -5
On a first date at the minimum I would want a kiss or make out session to see if there's chemistry so that nobody is wasting time. I also think before two people have sex they should talk about it: likes, dislikes, fantasies, fetishes, etc. I haven't passionately kissed a woman is sooooo many years, actually more than a decade or maybe two, that it would likely be a lousy experience for the woman. My wife actually said the following one time, many years ago, when I was kissing her during sex "What is this? A high-school make out session?" Perhaps the only thing my wife refused more than sex, was talking about it. |
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 12, 2016 3:25:01 GMT -5
'Perhaps the only thing my wife refused more than sex, was talking about it.''
My husband won't discuss our celibacy, just sweeps it way under the carpet, like it isn't even an issue ...He is comfortable enough though to laugh at jokes with sexual innuendo or even make them himself without a hint of irony or discomfort - seems extraordinary.
|
|
|
|
Post by callisto on Nov 12, 2016 3:29:08 GMT -5
I should have been warned when way back before we got married I once wrote him a 'sexy' text. His response was, 'Are you feeling alright?'
|
|
