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Post by pattycakey on Apr 14, 2016 1:44:33 GMT -5
I am finally reaching the point now where I need to face facts and realize that I can't change him and he is not going to change. Unless something drastic happens to him of course, but I'm not holding my breath. So now, I want to focus my energy on an exit strategy. The thing that is completely overwhelming about trying to come up with one is that we have two very young children. As in, they're not even school going age yet. We are very stretched when it comes to finances right now, so the thought of us splitting up is just so terrifying in terms of how we will cope financially. As it stands, there's no way we'd be able to live in/pay for two separate houses/apartments. And we're still in the very hands on parenting stage, so I am just so scared for how difficult it will be looking after two kids (I work full time). Can anyone give advice who's been through this and who doesn't have a huge amount of money to throw at the problem from either side?
The sad thing is, I should have rather exited before we had kids. Hell, before we even got married. But I naively thought things would get better. Once we were married, I thought kids would help with the situation...OH how wrong I was. I look at my two innocent children and I feel so so sad for them, and so so guilty for doing this.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 14, 2016 2:54:29 GMT -5
I am finally reaching the point now where I need to face facts and realize that I can't change him and he is not going to change. Unless something drastic happens to him of course, but I'm not holding my breath. So now, I want to focus my energy on an exit strategy. The thing that is completely overwhelming about trying to come up with one is that we have two very young children. As in, they're not even school going age yet. We are very stretched when it comes to finances right now, so the thought of us splitting up is just so terrifying in terms of how we will cope financially. As it stands, there's no way we'd be able to live in/pay for two separate houses/apartments. And we're still in the very hands on parenting stage, so I am just so scared for how difficult it will be looking after two kids (I work full time). Can anyone give advice who's been through this and who doesn't have a huge amount of money to throw at the problem from either side? The sad thing is, I should have rather exited before we had kids. Hell, before we even got married. But I naively thought things would get better. Once we were married, I thought kids would help with the situation...OH how wrong I was. I look at my two innocent children and I feel so so sad for them, and so so guilty for doing this. I know that feeling. I should have walked out too before getting married and not have a child in this marriage. And after that there constantly were new problems occurring why it became very difficult to leave. I would like advise for an exit plan too. I have the same financial problem. Although things in Belgium are not the same as in the US of course. I have started with searching for information on divorce and lawyers. I have found some documents that were useful. Gradually I think it will become more cleare what and how to do it. Do you have family or friends to support you? |
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Post by JMX on Apr 14, 2016 6:32:06 GMT -5
Exit strategies are difficult when finances are tight. You may be "in" it for awhile. Is there a way to encourage him to make more money? Is there a way to get your income up? Since you work full time, are you paying for daycare presently?
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 14, 2016 7:15:31 GMT -5
I know that is a tough spot to be in. Semi dependent. The longer you're in it, the harder it is to get out. Also with kids it's a lot tougher.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 8:26:17 GMT -5
One thing you might do is a google search for legal help for low income families (there is information on the American Bar Association page for example) and see if you can at least visit with a lawyer, preferably one specializing in family law. You really do need facts to start building your exit plan.
While you're figuring things out, is there any way to move out of the bedroom? I was able to do this and it helped enormously. Even if you don't have an extra bedroom, the two of you could take turns sleeping on the couch. For me, having my own space to sleep was huge - the last several years of my marriage, I would end up with such a stiff back when I woke up from sleeping on the edge of the bed trying to be as far away from him as possible.
And most importantly, stop beating yourself up for not leaving sooner. (Believe me, I understand the urge to dissect your choices and find every little place where you went wrong, but you can't blame yourself for everything - you're just letting him off the hook completely when you do that.) You've done the best you can, made your decisions with the information you had available at the time, tried to save your marriage over and over. Forgive yourself and start looking forward.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 8:42:42 GMT -5
I just have to say this even though I know it doesn't relate directly to your question. Everything you've posted so far sounds like something I could have written myself. With one enormous difference - you are figuring this out WAY ahead of where I did. My children are 19 and 13 and I'm just now getting divorced and trying to rebuild my life after decades in a miserable marriage. I know what you are going through is hell, but give yourself a lot of credit for figuring this out now instead of banging your head against the Refuser Wall for another decade or so.
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Post by pattycakey on Apr 14, 2016 10:25:03 GMT -5
I just have to say this even though I know it doesn't relate directly to your question. Everything you've posted so far sounds like something I could have written myself. With one enormous difference - you are figuring this out WAY ahead of where I did. My children are 19 and 13 and I'm just now getting divorced and trying to rebuild my life after decades in a miserable marriage. I know what you are going through is hell, but give yourself a lot of credit for figuring this out now instead of banging your head against the Refuser Wall for another decade or so. Thank you so much for the encouragement. Though you should take the same advice and not beat yourself up either about only coming to the conclusion later in life. In fact, believe me when I say that from where I'm standing, the thought of dealing with a 19 and 13 year old child is MUCH easier than the position I'm in. I like the idea of not sleeping in the same bed - we have a spare bed in my one child's room so that may actually happen. The thing is I feel so alone in all of this and almost paralyzed with fear that I'm finding it so hard to put one foot in front of the other and take action. All I can do is think and plan for now, rather than tell him of my actions. Then I think, do I suck it up and wait a year or two until my kids are that much older? And we are more financially stable? What's a year or two in the greater scheme of things? The problem is I am so sad and mad these days that the thought of going through this for another year or two is unbearable. As someone said in a previous thread, the main problem I have in my life is that I'm becoming allergic to living this inauthentic "double life". It's as though my soul and heart just can't pretend everything is ok anymore to everyone around me. Sorry for the ramble. Thanks so much again for the advice. |
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Post by pattycakey on Apr 14, 2016 10:33:52 GMT -5
I am finally reaching the point now where I need to face facts and realize that I can't change him and he is not going to change. Unless something drastic happens to him of course, but I'm not holding my breath. So now, I want to focus my energy on an exit strategy. The thing that is completely overwhelming about trying to come up with one is that we have two very young children. As in, they're not even school going age yet. We are very stretched when it comes to finances right now, so the thought of us splitting up is just so terrifying in terms of how we will cope financially. As it stands, there's no way we'd be able to live in/pay for two separate houses/apartments. And we're still in the very hands on parenting stage, so I am just so scared for how difficult it will be looking after two kids (I work full time). Can anyone give advice who's been through this and who doesn't have a huge amount of money to throw at the problem from either side? The sad thing is, I should have rather exited before we had kids. Hell, before we even got married. But I naively thought things would get better. Once we were married, I thought kids would help with the situation...OH how wrong I was. I look at my two innocent children and I feel so so sad for them, and so so guilty for doing this. I know that feeling. I should have walked out too before getting married and not have a child in this marriage. And after that there constantly were new problems occurring why it became very difficult to leave. I would like advise for an exit plan too. I have the same financial problem. Although things in Belgium are not the same as in the US of course. I have started with searching for information on divorce and lawyers. I have found some documents that were useful. Gradually I think it will become more cleare what and how to do it. Do you have family or friends to support you? Not really...I mean they'd support me emotionally, but not financially. My parents are not on the breadline but they couldn't support more dependents. |
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Post by pattycakey on Apr 14, 2016 10:35:04 GMT -5
Exit strategies are difficult when finances are tight. You may be "in" it for awhile. Is there a way to encourage him to make more money? Is there a way to get your income up? Since you work full time, are you paying for daycare presently? I'm trying with all my might to think of ways to get my income up. He also tries his hardest so I'm afraid that's a no go. I am currently paying for daycare, yes. The money I make outweighs the cost of it so for now it's worth it to work. |
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Post by JMX on Apr 14, 2016 10:36:29 GMT -5
Good luck! This is the missing piece to move on. I have the same issues right now too.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 15:42:54 GMT -5
The thing is I feel so alone in all of this and almost paralyzed with fear that I'm finding it so hard to put one foot in front of the other and take action. All I can do is think and plan for now, rather than tell him of my actions. Then I think, do I suck it up and wait a year or two until my kids are that much older? And we are more financially stable? What's a year or two in the greater scheme of things? The problem is I am so sad and mad these days that the thought of going through this for another year or two is unbearable. As someone said in a previous thread, the main problem I have in my life is that I'm becoming allergic to living this inauthentic "double life". It's as though my soul and heart just can't pretend everything is ok anymore to everyone around me. Feeling immobilized is pretty normal in these situations. The same thing happens to me when I get overwhelmed. Thinking and planning are enough for now. You are wise to think long and hard, and to do your research before you start down the path of divorce. The pressure of the "double life" can become unbearable - is there anyone you can trust that you can open up to? I really wasn't able to actively start pursuing a divorce until I had talked to a couple of friends and confided in them about my situation. They were so much more understanding and supportive than I had expected, and it gave me an outlet when those times came where I thought I couldn't take it anymore. Having friends on my side lessened that feeling of being alone, and helped me build the strength to change my life. You really aren't alone, even though I know it feels like it sometimes. Reach out to a good friend or family member - start building your support network. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2016 15:52:45 GMT -5
There is section eight housing. I have interviewed many tenants for it. Their is nothing, nothing wrong with a mother in your circumstances getting assistance. Be aware of the waiting list, the demand is greater than the supply in some areas.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 16:02:48 GMT -5
Patty it will work out. I waited until my kids were out of high school, and I am not sure if it was the best decision or not.
I do know that things will work out. You sometimes just have to take the plunge and know that things will arrange so you can get it done.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2016 16:38:08 GMT -5
Hey, don't beat yourself up for sticking around and trying to make things better.
I think that's what almost everybody does. It's natural. You love the refuser - or at least, at one time, you did. You thought a lifelong relationship was possible.
This was your marriage, too, not just his. You had dreams for it. So, it normally would take a person a while to reluctantly concede that it was over.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 14, 2016 16:52:41 GMT -5
Can anyone give advice who's been through this and who doesn't have a huge amount of money to throw at the problem from either side? Look into a "women's shelter". We have some here oriented around divorced/single moms that need help, and they're based in privatized apartment complexes with security. They will also have pointers to low-cost legal resources, plus other things that might help like financial aid. |
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