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Post by JonDoe on Oct 14, 2016 21:48:33 GMT -5
Audio Link: 345 - Lack of Sexual Desire
Listen to this podcast by yourself first and then respectfully ask your spouse to listen to it with you. Your refuser cheating spouse may refuse to listen to this podcast, but what do you have to lose by asking?
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Post by csl on Oct 15, 2016 0:12:47 GMT -5
My advice when you get the refusal to listen to a podcast or read a book is to turn off the tv and play it or read it aloud. Walk out? Fine, retain your equanimity, but when she returns, start playing it or reading it again.
Sit on the remote, if you have too.
Basically, be a pain in the butt until they read or listen.
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Post by beachguy on Oct 15, 2016 0:43:27 GMT -5
My advice when you get the refusal to listen to a podcast or read a book is to turn off the tv and play it or read it aloud. Walk out? Fine, retain your equanimity, but when she returns, start playing it or reading it again. Sit on the remote, if you have too. Basically, be a pain in the butt until they read or listen. It's easier to just leave... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 15, 2016 7:25:01 GMT -5
A very helpful layout thanks for sharing this!
Let me speak for myself here. My knee jerk reaction upon reading this.
1st. All of the 6 experiences define my STBX.
2nd. All 7 of the sexual connection issues were brought up in counciling. While my councillor has told me, " you went above and beyond, while your spouse put forth zero effort."
3rd. Then what became our problem was me living with all 6 of these feelings . Leading to a division that is beyond repair, and most important, a terrible example of what a healthy marriage should be for 6 teenagers growing up witnessing this, and the risk of them unknowingly adapting many of these same traits. With a heavy heart I believe I am taking a brave step for strong relationships in generations to come.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 15, 2016 7:34:59 GMT -5
That's a very good summary (the three lists of the effects of a SM).
However reading or listening to something does not make refusers change.
Refusers DO NOT like sex, at least not with us, yet we stay (and I realize there are a lot of variable, everyone is in different situations, my last 7 years I was stuck - kids were young and no raise at work).
Bottom line - people don't change, refusers do not WANT sex with us, they might be WILLING to have sex a few times a year if their lifestyle is going to be changed if they don't.
Podcast, Book - no change.
Tell her you saw a lawyer and you plan to divorce- she might be willing to fuck you.
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 15, 2016 9:53:16 GMT -5
I had THE talk with her a few years ago. It got better for a few months, then gradually got much worse. For what it's worth, I told her the following...
"I love you, but I'm unhappy and can't live like this anymore. Suppressing my sexuality is depressing, unnatural and unhealthy. I'm moving forward with or without you. This is my choice. You can choose to join me on this new journey or choose a new path for your future. That choice is yours, and yours alone. I hope you choose me, but I will respect your choice either way."
Suddenly her enthusiasm towards sexual intimacy was like Oprah on a new diet, but history has proven that doesn't last long.
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 15, 2016 10:39:13 GMT -5
I had THE talk with her a few years ago. It got better for a few months, then gradually got much worse. For what it's worth, I told her the following... "I love you, but I'm unhappy and can't live like this anymore. Suppressing my sexuality is depressing, unnatural and unhealthy. I'm moving forward with or without you. This is my choice. You can choose to join me on this new journey or choose a new path for your future. That choice is yours, and yours alone. I hope you choose me, but I will respect your choice either way." Suddenly her enthusiasm towards sexual intimacy was like Oprah on a new diet, but history has proven that doesn't last long. Yes it's WILLING Reset Sex not WANTING I desire you sex. It's not sustainable for them. The first time I brought up divorce December 2013 - he fucked me two days in a row and a week later. It was lousy selfish sex. That was it! Valentine's Day nothing. I called time of death that night and started outsourcing that Summer. Following Summer I contacted an attorney. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Oct 15, 2016 10:55:04 GMT -5
I had THE talk with her a few years ago. It got better for a few months, then gradually got much worse. For what it's worth, I told her the following... "I love you, but I'm unhappy and can't live like this anymore. Suppressing my sexuality is depressing, unnatural and unhealthy. I'm moving forward with or without you. This is my choice. You can choose to join me on this new journey or choose a new path for your future. That choice is yours, and yours alone. I hope you choose me, but I will respect your choice either way." Suddenly her enthusiasm towards sexual intimacy was like Oprah on a new diet, but history has proven that doesn't last long. Yes it's WILLING Reset Sex not WANTING I desire you sex. It's not sustainable for them. The first time I brought up divorce December 2013 - he fucked me two days in a row and a week later. It was lousy selfish sex. That was it! Valentine's Day nothing. I called time of death that night and started outsourcing that Summer. Following Summer I contacted an attorney. Even after all the Talks we had, he never reached out for me, in a physical way. He suggested counseling, and I saw it was so he could use it to convince me to stay, that the way we were living was perfectly acceptable: an arrangement of roommates and not lovers. We continued along in our sexless, non-touching relationship until I decided to leave. Whatever the reason for the sexlessness, it isn't worth staying and being unhappy. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 15, 2016 11:12:54 GMT -5
Yes it's WILLING Reset Sex not WANTING I desire you sex. It's not sustainable for them. The first time I brought up divorce December 2013 - he fucked me two days in a row and a week later. It was lousy selfish sex. That was it! Valentine's Day nothing. I called time of death that night and started outsourcing that Summer. Following Summer I contacted an attorney. Even after all the Talks we had, he never reached out for me, in a physical way. He suggested counseling, and I saw it was so he could use it to convince me to stay, that the way we were living was perfectly acceptable: an arrangement of roommates and not lovers. We continued along in our sexless, non-touching relationship until I decided to leave. Whatever the reason for the sexlessness, it isn't worth staying and being unhappy. Nope! It's not normal. |
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Post by csl on Oct 15, 2016 11:41:45 GMT -5
bballgirl: "However reading or listening to something does not make refusers change." and "Podcast, Book - no change." Never say "never." A close on-line blogging friend of mine would beg to differ. This post tells of the effect on her of reading the stories of other refused spouses: forgivenwife.com/a-moment-of-hard-truth/(I give this link fearfully, hoping she won't be spammed over it.) CSL |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 15, 2016 13:37:07 GMT -5
bballgirl: "However reading or listening to something does not make refusers change." and "Podcast, Book - no change." Never say "never." A close on-line blogging friend of mine would beg to differ. This post tells of the effect on her of reading the stories of other refused spouses: forgivenwife.com/a-moment-of-hard-truth/(I give this link fearfully, hoping she won't be spammed over it.) CSL That was 6 years ago. How is the bloggers sex life now? Having an epiphany to blog about is not a fix. |
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Post by JonDoe on Oct 15, 2016 13:37:22 GMT -5
A close on-line blogging friend of mine would beg to differ. This post tells of the effect on her of reading the stories of other refused spouses: forgivenwife.com/a-moment-of-hard-truth/(I give this link fearfully, hoping she won't be spammed over it.) CSL Wow, thanks for sharing the link. |
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Post by csl on Oct 15, 2016 14:11:23 GMT -5
bballgirl: "However reading or listening to something does not make refusers change." and "Podcast, Book - no change." Never say "never." A close on-line blogging friend of mine would beg to differ. This post tells of the effect on her of reading the stories of other refused spouses: forgivenwife.com/a-moment-of-hard-truth/(I give this link fearfully, hoping she won't be spammed over it.) CSL That was 6 years ago. How is the bloggers sex life now? Having an epiphany to blog about is not a fix. Actually, that was eight years ago. The triggering event in their home was the 2008 economic collapse, of all things. FW isn't a 'mommy blogger', she a marriage and sexuality blogger, with her tag line reading "Learnibg to dance with desire." Yeah, she's gotten over herself. On her front page (as of today), the latest article is about husbands wanting 'weird' stuff and the third is telling wive's to "get flashy" for their husbands. FW has become a full-service Christian sex blogger. |
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Post by bballgirl on Oct 15, 2016 15:34:54 GMT -5
bballgirl: "However reading or listening to something does not make refusers change." and "Podcast, Book - no change." Never say "never." A close on-line blogging friend of mine would beg to differ. This post tells of the effect on her of reading the stories of other refused spouses: forgivenwife.com/a-moment-of-hard-truth/(I give this link fearfully, hoping she won't be spammed over it.) CSL I agree with the Never Say Never BUT in most cases the turnaround is not sustainable, it's all an act to keep the refused spouse from leaving so that the refuser is not inconvenienced by a lifestyle change. |
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Post by beachguy on Oct 15, 2016 15:48:40 GMT -5
bballgirl: "However reading or listening to something does not make refusers change." and "Podcast, Book - no change." Never say "never." A close on-line blogging friend of mine would beg to differ. This post tells of the effect on her of reading the stories of other refused spouses: forgivenwife.com/a-moment-of-hard-truth/(I give this link fearfully, hoping she won't be spammed over it.) CSL I agree with the Never Say Never BUT in most cases the turnaround is not sustainable, it's all an act to keep the refused spouse from leaving so that the refuser is not inconvenienced by a lifestyle change. We just had a thread by a refuser explaining exactly why it's not sustainable. |
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